To tell DP I want separate beds?

[Penggy]

Yes our bedroom would look weird. And it's a small bedroom so there would only be a small gap, I'd have to get rid of our bedside table too.

But I'm so sick of getting kicked and punched in the night. He has awful dreams and night terrors. Think it's to do with his medication, venlafaxine, which he's been on over a decade.

Last light I was woken from a dead sleep by him trying to hit me and shouting about a knife. I tried to wake him but he kept shouting about it until he rolled over.

6am I am woken by a full force kick to my legs.

I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired. It's like 5 nights out of the weeks I'm either physically attacked or woken by him mumbling shit down my ear or shouting.

You should have separate beds, yes.
It's a safety issue.
I'm surprised he hasn't suggested it himself tbh. If I was injuring my bedfellow in my sleep that's the first thing I'd say.

I wouldn't suggest it. I'd tell him this is what is going to happen. I wouldn't give him the choice.

We have separate bedrooms last year or so when we decorated the rooms.
My wife said she tossed and turned too much and I complained too much. Initially I was not happy but we both get better sleep. Our adult daughter lives with us - we have 4 bedrooms - we keep our doors open when we go to bed - it works

In fact, he might even be better without feeling you next to him. Maybe that triggers some dreams where he's fighting off an attacker

Would there be scope for replacing a sofa in the living room with a sofa bed, so one of you could sleep there instead?
Before my DCs left home, I slept on a sofa bed downstairs most nights, as I needed to get away from DH's snoring and constant movement.

I'd do separate rooms if you can. DH and I sleep separately and it's the best thing for us.

This. You cannot continue living as you are.

Bed should be a place of peace and sanctuary, not of nightly assault.

What effort is HE making to ameliorate this? Any? Does he feel any sense of urgency to spare you this situation?

If not, what does that say?

Also, magnesium spray or supplements have helped a bit.

Why aren't your needs given as much importance as his??

Decent sleep is vital to health.

Sounds like separate rooms would be safer for you. You shouldn't be collateral to his need for medication.
Are his medics happy that this is a side effect of his medication and not a REM sleep disorder that could indicate a neurological disease?

Yes I would definitely try it!

For now I would try taking in turns sleeping in the front room on the sofa/blow up mattress so at least you’re able to sleep through the night.

I think single beds would help but you’ll still hear him and he’ll probably end up falling off the single bed or still being able to reach you.

He absolutely needs to see a doctor!
It’s one thing to accidentally hit someone in your sleep because you’ve flung your arms out but he is actually targeting your body.

I don’t know how you’ve slept in the same bed with him for so long.

Your husband does not sound very lovely to be honest. If he knows about the problem, why isn't he taking it more seriously?

I like that idea of the bunk bed.
You'd get loads of choice with the single/double bed design.

That gives you the flexibility that if he's not sleeping badly, you can stay in.the double.

Yes, do that.

Can't believe you need to ask.

Also, why hasn't he already suggested it?

Has he spoken to the GP about switching to a different anti depressant? Or reducing the dose?

I would get him to the GP first. There has to be something that can help him. I’m a crazy sleeper but not quite so violent and I feel so sorry for my husband but there are things I can do to mitigate. I don’t ever watch things on tv that are scary or adrenaline filled. I use lavender and camomile spray on the pillow, camomile tea before bed, no caffeine after lunch. All this helps a lot, still get nightmares but not as often as I did before I started all the above.

Separate beds but I’d also be looking at getting a medicine review due to severe side effects.

Sounds hideous! Send him to the sofa as a minimum. You’re a domestic violence victim.

And next time he kicks you, kick him back equally hard, so that he knows exactly how it feels for you.

So, I'm the night terror sufferer in my relationship. This week I clumped my poor DP in the back of the head while dreaming that he had been replaced by an evil android.

YANBU - and as he's aware of the problem and feels bad that it affects you, I would have thought he wouldn't be hurt by the suggestion of separate beds. Given that you think this is likely a side effect of his antidepressants, I would suggest just approaching it in the kindest and gentlest possible way and reassure him that you love him very much and would not be suggesting it for any other reason, and that you know it's not his fault. The sweatiness is probably related to his medication as well, I'm guessing.

When does he take his medication? The pharmacist told me to take mine in the morning if I found that it caused sleep problems (but I have sleep issues with or without the medication anyway - I've had night terrors and other sleep problems since I was a child).

Yeah, deliberately kicking someone really hard for something they absolutely cannot help doing, already feels terrible about, and which is a side effect of their antidepressant medication, that's really going to help, isn't it?

Fuck's sake, don't be so vile.

No she's not. Separate beds are definitely a good idea but this is absolutely not domestic violence.

Sofa bed?

Me and my partner sleep in seperate rooms and have for around 5 years, his snoring is so bad and he also has night terrors and mild sleep apnoea. I was hardly sleeping and it was making my life miserable and most days we would argue because of my lack of sleep and him saying it isn't his fault etc. We've been together nearly 13 years and it hasn't affected our relationship. I would definitely say you need seperate beds and seperate rooms!

I don’t understand why this is something you’ve put up with or feel you need to ask about. Of course get separate beds! Lots of people have good functioning relationships without having to sleep side by side! I just wonder why it’s not been done sooner or him suggesting to sleep on the couch to save you being hit!

I’m surprised he’s not mentioned separate beds.