Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP I want separate beds?

101 replies

Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:07

Yes our bedroom would look weird. And it's a small bedroom so there would only be a small gap, I'd have to get rid of our bedside table too.

But I'm so sick of getting kicked and punched in the night. He has awful dreams and night terrors. Think it's to do with his medication, venlafaxine, which he's been on over a decade.

Last light I was woken from a dead sleep by him trying to hit me and shouting about a knife. I tried to wake him but he kept shouting about it until he rolled over.

6am I am woken by a full force kick to my legs.

I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired. It's like 5 nights out of the weeks I'm either physically attacked or woken by him mumbling shit down my ear or shouting.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 23/09/2022 07:37

I would be getting separate beds, but I would also look into him seeing GP to see if there’s anything that may help. Having single beds doesn’t mean the end of things, a kiss and cuddle before going in separate bed is fine.

Butchyrestingface · 23/09/2022 07:37

It's worth asking OP. I don't know you or your husband but your post explained he is putting you in danger and yet you seem nervous about how to tell him you need a separate room. So of course it rang an alarm bell.

I agree with this. Sleeping separately because you're being (unwittingly) repeatedly assaulted by your sleeping husband shouldn't be something you should even need to think about, far less feel hesitant to broach with him.

If I knew that I was assaulting someone in my sleep, I would want them as far away from me as possible. AND I'd be going to the doctor to report the horrendous side effects of the medication.

If there's no spare bedroom, one of you needs to sleep on the couch.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/09/2022 07:37

He needs to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room

Armadillidium · 23/09/2022 07:37

I can’t seem to link the bbc article but it’s called 'My husband attacked me in his sleep'.

Dogstar78 · 23/09/2022 07:38

Sounds awful. Can he have the meds reviewed. I clicked on this post having just spent my third night in the spare room. My partner is a really bad snorer. He thinks it's a joke and generally starts the morning saying how tired he is and what a bad night's sleep he had. Doesn't even cross his mind he should move or do anything about it.

I am actually enjoying the spare room and just brought a fancy mattress topper and a nice duvet. I sleep on one of those Hemnes Ikea day bed things. Cant be bothered to pull it all our but weidly don't mind the single bed. I feel like a new woman in the morning....well one that has actually slept.

OddBoots · 23/09/2022 07:38

DH and I have always had separate duvets and because that is difficult to arrange on holiday (other than in some parts of Europe where it is standard) we have taken to booking twin rather than double rooms when away and it is bliss. It is still perfectly possible to to have sex in a single bed but having a good night sleep really helps the holiday be more fun (which means we have the energy for more!).

This is without the rather extreme issues you are having, (I have spinal cord damage which gives restless legs and impaired proprioception in my legs so I have to wrap them up tight in the duvet to keep them from kicking or falling out of bed at night).

There is nothing wrong in single beds if that works for you as a couple, people do it for a while range of reasons, including because they just want to.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2022 07:47

Penggy · 23/09/2022 07:17

Of course he is. Are you suggesting my lovely, gentle husband is faking sleep issues for over a decade as a covert excuse to randomly kick me at 4am?! Think about that!

Show quote history

What did the prescribing doctor say about this when he spoke to them about the disturbed sleep and the physical damage to you? Is there evidence that its the drug rather than any other sleep disorder?

Have they tried alternative drugs to venlafaxine?

KangarooKenny · 23/09/2022 07:49

I had to suffer this, along with years of snoring, and we now have separate rooms. He needs to go to the GP and speak to them, you shouldn’t have to suffer this.

DelilahBucket · 23/09/2022 07:52

Separate rooms and get him taking magnesium and b12 every day. My mum has the same issues and is on similar style meds.

Ansjovis · 23/09/2022 07:54

Bunnyfuller · 23/09/2022 07:26

My dad had this. It’s a medical issue. Go to doc and they can prescribe something for it.

good luck

Not as easy as that. I have similar, though not as bad. I tend to get up and start doing stuff around the house and the worst I will do is shake my partner to try and wake him. GP wants to send me to a sleep specialist, who have basically said "don't call us, we'll call you" and haven't even given an estimate. I just need to hope and pray that in the time I'm waiting I don't do anything really dangerous like try to drive or cook something.

girlmom21 · 23/09/2022 07:57

Oh OP this sounds horrible for you both. Has he spoken to the GP?

Is a bigger bed an option if you don't necessarily want singles, if you'd need to lose the bedside table anyway? Then you could get a big cushion divider thing for bad nights.

Ansjovis · 23/09/2022 07:57

Oh and to answer the original question - 100% separate beds. If my partner wanted this I would completely understand and comply.

Musti · 23/09/2022 07:58

Yanbu op. I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room as him.

Zibbydib · 23/09/2022 07:59

Have you considered the zip and link beds? Or would you prefer to be further away?

SalviaOfficinalis · 23/09/2022 08:00

Oh my goodness, yes definitely get separate beds!

Me and DH sometimes sleep separately just because we both like to spread out and toss and turn without disturbing the other.

Going off topic but I really don’t understand why separate beds is such a marriage taboo… we just like sleeping! It’s not because we can’t stand to be within 2 metres of each other.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 23/09/2022 08:15

We are lucky enough to have enough bedrooms that DH and I not only sleep in separate beds but in separate rooms. On the odd occasion we do spend a full night together, he needs to use earplugs against my snores, and I run the risk of being kicked in the shins as he has RLS (and it flippin' hurts). OP you have my sympathy, I'd definitely insist on separate beds. Could you make a little more space by getting rid of the two bedside tables and instead having just one between the two beds?

KangarooKenny · 23/09/2022 08:17

OP - could you sleep in with the kids ?

Pyewhacket · 23/09/2022 08:17

Teenyliving · 23/09/2022 07:11

Separate rooms?

Definitely.

Hyacinth2 · 23/09/2022 08:27

At least you have a good excuse. I want to sleep in a separate room as it's better , space/ lights/ can get up for the loo if I want anytime/ him getting up for the loo and disturbing me etc But DH wants me to share the bed.

CommonSenseIsRare · 23/09/2022 08:27

I could have written this, I have exactly the same and hadn’t made the connection to venlafaxine.

Yes to separate beds. We’re lucky enough to have a spare room and I often sleep in there. He goes to bed earlier than I do and I can tell if he’s going to have a bad night so I make my decision of where to sleep based on that.

KangarooKenny · 23/09/2022 08:29

Hyacinth2 · 23/09/2022 08:27

At least you have a good excuse. I want to sleep in a separate room as it's better , space/ lights/ can get up for the loo if I want anytime/ him getting up for the loo and disturbing me etc But DH wants me to share the bed.

So do what YOU want.

Armadillidium · 23/09/2022 08:32

He really needs to see his gp as this can be an early indicator of Parkinson’s.

Novum · 23/09/2022 08:46

Surely after ten years it's time for a medication review anyway? He needs to ensure his doctor is told all about this.

ChampagneLassie · 23/09/2022 08:52

What about sharing with the kids?

TurtleSpurtle · 23/09/2022 08:59

I am your husband in this situation - we have slightly more room in our room, but we usually start in bed together and then I move to a small single (child size, I find it better to curl up) once he falls asleep. Or I sleep downstairs on the sofa bed.

It may not be the medication; it may be processing trauma unconsciously. I don't take any mental health medication and the same things happen; I have zero recollection of it happening. It's really awful for him as he does not get enough sleep, and really needs his sleep, and then he gets quite grumpy through absolutely no fault of his own.

One thing that has helped is having a journal and writing before bed, and using grounding techniques during the night if I do wake up. Otherwise there's very little I can do about it, but be aware of the impact it has on others. We don't have the children in our bed for this reason which really bloody sucks as they've missed out on that whole aspect of bonding.