Residential trip

[lollipoprainbow]

Autistic Dd has the year 6 residential trip coming up. It's three days and two nights away. It's to an activity centre in the new forest and I know she will hate it. Plus being away from home and friendship issues in the class. I'm not sending her, seems like she is the only one not going. She's upset today as everyone is the class is talking excitedly about it and she feels so left out but I know she will feel so miserable if she goes. Have I done the right thing?

Neither was I, according to my mother.

Favourite activities;

Rock climbing
Abseiling
Horseriding
Boxing
Kickboxing
Weight training
Fell Running
Gigging
Sound engineering at festivals
Festival stage manager
Physical conservation work
Sailing
Kayaking
Fishing (sea fishing even more)
Field Geography and geology
Rowing

I didn't get to find out I loved those things when she was busy telling me I wasn't sporty, wasn't outdoorsy, didn't like people and they didn't like me and I would far prefer staying at home with some felt tips and the TV. She never did get her head around the idea that actually, I was not the person she decided I should be.

Spot the parents who don't have kids with ASD: It's really fucking obvious!

OP, my son isn't going either. It's just not ever going to be accessible for him. He can barely manage school most days. It probably would be shit for her, if you think it would. She'll have lots of fun at school and I doubt she's really the only one not going.

I'm not limiting my son, by the way, judgemental fuckers. I don't need to ask him to know it would be torturous for him to go. He may well think he wants to (actually he doesnt), but that's because he's not able to understand the reality. As a parent, it's my job to make these calls. Obviously.

Just because a poster doesn’t agree with the OP doesn’t mean they don’t have DC with ASD. There are posters on this thread with DC with ASD who don’t agree, myself included.

OP, I was once an autistic Y6 with barely any friends. I wasn't sporty at all.

I very nearly didn't go on my end-of-school residential. I ended up going. Had the time of my life, finally felt part of my year group for the first time in my life and it was a massive confidence boost. Just the other day I was looking through my childhood memories and found my diary from the trip - it was clear how much it impacted me and actually really helped the step up to secondary school.

Please please please consider sending her and staying nearby, these kinds of trips can be lifechanging for kids like her in a way you might not yet be able to see.

Well you've obviously got the ones "coping" in mainstream schools (most aren't actually coping). Some of us don't have that luxury. Some of us don't need to worry about secondary school trips because our kids are very unlikely to even get to a mainstream secondary.

The OP clearly posted for a bit of a boost, not the be made more shit. Sometimes it's OK to tell people they've made the right decision for them, even if you secretly disagree.

But no, it's Mumsnet, so let's kick people whilst they're down about something they can't even change.

You said she wanted to go, then after you explained, she didn’t want to go. What exactly did you say? Ours was booked and paid for months in advance, so why didn’t you have a discussion before the deadline? It sounds like you only talked to her about it once she got excited from hearing the other kids talking, when it was presumably already too late.
Did you keep it factual about what would happen, what activities she’d get to try, that she could take her own clothes instead of uniform etc. or did you tell her all the reasons why you think she’d hate it? My Dd had her residential last year and parents were sent plenty of info about it, surely you could have discussed it with her teacher, and I’m sure they’d have reassured you. There were several ASD kids who went to ours, but also a fair few kids didn’t go, and a teacher stayed at school to teach them as normal. Are you sure she’s the only one not going?

Don't forget the posters with ASD, who can also get very pissed off when people assume that their opinions of their children are more accurate than lived experience that disagrees with them.

Erm, you know nothing about my DC. I have 2 DS’s with EHCPs, one in MS, one with EOTAS because there isn’t a suitable school mainstream or special. So, no I don’t obviously have the ones coping, but you continue to tell yourself anyone who disagrees must have that luxury.

Disagreeing with posters is not kicking them. OP shouldn’t have posted if she didn’t actually want to hear other opinions. Why on earth would I tell someone I thought they were doing the right thing if I didn’t, that doesn’t help anyone.

I am also autistic, I just didn’t mention it because I was reply to the poster saying you can tell who has DC with ASD, so it wasn’t relevant to that reply.

You won't be allowed to keep her at home either. Or it will be an unauthorised absence and they could fine you.
The kids that didn't go in my kids school helped in other classes for the week.

Thank you - sorry if it came across as though I was criticising, it was adding your very good point.

@PollyEsther thank you, thank you, thank you. This is exactly how I feel and you have made me feel that I'm not the crap mum I've been made out to be by some posters here.

I have 3 dc with ASD. Whole range of school experiences from settled in school, through masking and coping, to not being able to get through the door for years. Mainstream and SN school.

All 3 have managed and enjoyed residentials. Some were more on the managing side (but with a massive feeling of achievement that it was managed, and dc rightly felt proud about what they had managed) and others more on the enjoyment side (funnily enough, dc who has enjoyed it the most was the one most worried about going, didn’t fit in, had a difficult friendship group).

OP, only you know your dd. But you did say that she was feeling excited about it, and originally wanted to try. I know how difficult it is, I know how much preparation goes into these trips, but if your dd wants to try, on any level, then she should be given the chance, imo

We don't think you're a crap mum, most just think that the decision to turn down the trip wasn't the most helpful choice you could have made. It's very difficult with children with autism because so much day to day stuff is really hard for them to cope with, and I remember from my own school days how much work it was just to keep yourself together. It IS hard. Of course you want to make the correct decision for your DD, you are looking out for her best interests.

But, sometimes the most obvious course of action isn't actually the most effective. That's why sometimes other parents make the call to send their autistic child and hope for the best: because the overall experience is beneficial. Not all parts will be great and not all parts will be enjoyable, but most children get something positive from it. If the school are on top of their game they will be deciding which children share rooms with which other children for the most comfortable experience for all the children, but especially looking after the ND ones who will struggle more. Eg staff will put Robert, Jack and Ollie in one room with Jacob because Jack and Robert get on with everyone, Ollie is a kind and sympathetic character and Jacob is a bit shy but they know the others will "look after" him. And so on. It really is all carefully considered.

If you feel your DD's school is unlikely to provide the support and understanding she needs, then I can understand that you would hesitate to send her. The thoughtfulness of school staff makes a hell of a difference. The staff at the residential places are usually very understanding and make allowances for diversity and all sorts of foibles, probably partly why these trips are so successful on the whole. If you could have been able to stay close by, would that have made a difference?

How is she going to cope with mainstream high school?

One of the reasons I like mn is that it is one of the few spaces women are allowed to share their opinion without all the misogynistic #benice crap.

We don't have to say we agree with things we don't agree with, just because someone else wants us to say that.

FWIW I have had autistic and other SEN children attend residentials and they have coped remarkably well. It sounds like you're making the decision for your DD. Worth noting that if she isn't going on the residential, school attendance is compulsory.

My son isn't going to his either op. He has autism and adhd. His teachers just don't understand him at all so after a discussion with him, I told him my worries, asked him his worries and he decided he didn't want to go.

Agreed. Crap thread.

My autistic dd went on hers and hated every minute. She didn’t want to go and right enough it was awful for her. My dd2 loved hers (also autistic) but she’s a lot more outdoorsy and sociable than dd1.

To be fair OP, I don't have autism but I HATED residential trips as a kid, as I was never sporty or outdoorsy and it was all catered to those type of kids. There was always drama with friendship groups and I was always homesick counting the minutes to go back home.

My own daughter is sporty and outdoorsy, and likes going in trips, but she also always ends up falling out with someone and there is always drama.

on trips*

@XelaM exactly !!

It's not the activities themselves, although they are great fun even for kids who aren't normally outdoorsy. It's the experience. The camaraderie that she just wouldn't get if everyone else has done it before. Kids are great at supporting each other when they're all in a new situation together.

The independence could be exactly what she needs.

Your attitude sounds like you wouldn't find it fun so you're assuming she wouldn't either.

YABU