Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Residential trip

108 replies

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 18:14

Autistic Dd has the year 6 residential trip coming up. It's three days and two nights away. It's to an activity centre in the new forest and I know she will hate it. Plus being away from home and friendship issues in the class. I'm not sending her, seems like she is the only one not going. She's upset today as everyone is the class is talking excitedly about it and she feels so left out but I know she will feel so miserable if she goes. Have I done the right thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:09

@MoreRainbowsPlease no it isn't

OP posts:
Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:11

Why on Earth can’t you speak to the staff if there are friendship issues?

Don't you think I've done that??!!

How will she be 'massively missing out' there will be other residential trips when she gets to Secondary school.

OP posts:
NoYouSirName · 22/09/2022 20:13

OP, she can have these experiences later if she wants them. Don’t let people make you feel bad. My autistic dd can’t even manage staying overnight with my mum. People just love a pile on, and don’t get it at all.

WhereAreTheLostPens · 22/09/2022 20:14

OP - am I unreasonable not letting her go?

Mumsnet - yes! Let her go

OP - you r wrong. She's not going. You don't understand.

girlmom21 · 22/09/2022 20:14

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:11

Why on Earth can’t you speak to the staff if there are friendship issues?

Don't you think I've done that??!!

How will she be 'massively missing out' there will be other residential trips when she gets to Secondary school.

And she'll be the only kid who's never abseiled or kayaked or whatever

Doubleraspberry · 22/09/2022 20:17

NoYouSirName · 22/09/2022 20:13

OP, she can have these experiences later if she wants them. Don’t let people make you feel bad. My autistic dd can’t even manage staying overnight with my mum. People just love a pile on, and don’t get it at all.

But posters haven’t forced their way into the OP’s living room to tell her what they think. She has come on Mumsnet to ask what people think of her decision. Several posters who also have children with ASD and similar issues have commented that they made different decisions and they think the OP might have made the wrong call. How is that a pile on? If the OP doesn’t want to hear different views, totally fine. Just don’t post on the internet asking for them!

Newuser82 · 22/09/2022 20:18

Hmm, I can see why you would make this decision as you are trying to protect her but really all you are doing is teaching her that she can't handle that kind of situation instead of you and her teachers helping her learn to cope in that situation. I say this as a parent whose son who faces similar issues is currently away on a school residential .

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:19

@girlmom21 what's so great about kayaking and abseiling.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 22/09/2022 20:19

I'd be inclined to let her have a go. I'm a youth worker and take young people with asd away regularly. Some things they'll find tough but overall they love it and have a great experience. I would be inclined to meet with the teachers going to discuss the plans for the trip, the bits you think she'll struggle with and make action plans with the teachers for how they can handle that including how she can get home if she needs to leave. Then you'll know if they can support her well enough. Generally if I'm honest I find the kids do better than their parents expect but I know that working with the parent really helps me to prepare and make adjustments as required. In terms of her friends talking about the trip in front of her- that's what kids will do especially when they're excited about it. Which again makes me think give it a go so she's included in the same experiences her peers are having. Could you stay somewhere nearby for emergency peace of mind or something?

Applesarenice · 22/09/2022 20:20

I’ve been on this trip as a teacher with an autistic student in my group. Lots of it she didn’t enjoy, but she was proud of herself for going. Amazingly one activity (which I thought she’d hate) she just loved and I’ve never heard her so happy while she was doing it. Kids can surprise us, so if she wants to go I’d send her. It’s only three days. The secondary school trips will be harder for her if you plant the seed that she will struggle

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:22

@Cw112 I'm lucky if I get a response to an email let alone a meeting with the teachers !!

OP posts:
CheapFoodShits · 22/09/2022 20:27

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:05

@CheapFoodShits you're making your child go on a trip he really doesn't want to go in case he regrets it?? I think that's really really sad.

No, I'm not making him do anything at all. If he wants to go, he goes. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't go. It isn't for another month. The whole point being that HE is the one deciding.
As his mother, I am absolutely trying to make him see the advantages of going away with his peers. It builds social skills and independence and gives them amazing opportunities to experience activities they don't have nearby. But I never once said I was MAKING him do anything.

Nat6999 · 22/09/2022 20:31

My ASD ds went on the Y6 residential & hated every minute of it. It wasn't the being away from home bit, it was the activities, he isn't an outdoors type. He has been on residential trips to France & Italy at secondary & loved them as they involved his interests of History & Geography.

Knickerthief1 · 22/09/2022 20:31

This is such a difficult one - been there and got the T shirt many times. My autistic daughter would beg to go on trips and I knew they would usually end in disaster! We had the breakdown after the year 6 activity trip (although she did actually enjoy that one), we had a few scout trips (one successful, the next she came home with self harm marks), a few cadet trips (one successful, one rescue 7 hours away half way through, and one rescue an hour away), a foreign trip with school where she knew no one else going (tearful calls every night). The thing is though I let her go. Why? Because she wanted to and I felt that she had to learn for herself what she could cope with and what she couldn't. I didn't want to be the one foreseeing failure for her all the time. She's now 18 and has had a few massively successful trips, travelling alone to meet foreign friends, in the last few years and is now off to University (an hour and a half away to enable rescue!!). But she is so much stronger now and I believe part of that is the resilience she has learnt from the many disasters. At the time I had no idea if I was doing right or wrong though!

Orangesandlemons82 · 22/09/2022 20:32

I'm not sure why you have asked on here for people's thoughts. You seem to have decided your DD will hate it and isn't going.

Original poster
lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:35

@Nat6999 my dd isn't sporty either, she loves her home, her cat, her arts and crafts. The trip just isn't her at all.

OP posts:
Angelinflipflops · 22/09/2022 20:38

There is no way I'd decide something like that for one of my kids

Ansjovis · 22/09/2022 20:39

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:11

Why on Earth can’t you speak to the staff if there are friendship issues?

Don't you think I've done that??!!

How will she be 'massively missing out' there will be other residential trips when she gets to Secondary school.

What's going to be different at secondary school though? I would really think about that one because you may find the problem intensifies once she's at secondary rather than reduces.

I'm autistic and my family really struggled with the idea of me being away from them for a night. All I learnt was that I was completely incapable and that my low self-confidence was entirely justified. It wasn't until I was 18 that I made a friend online who helped me out of that. For me the right approach is to let your daughter's classmates get her excited about the trip if that's what is happening organically. Then you talk about strategies, what she can do in order to deal with the potential risks. She may not have a fantastic time from start to finish but then I am in my 30's and I've still not had such a trip, there are always highs and lows but I always come away thankful that I put myself out of my comfort zone.

Theluggage15 · 22/09/2022 20:46

Why did you bother posting? You’re not really interested in anyone’s opinion unless they agree with you.

SkankingWombat · 22/09/2022 20:46

As you can WFH, I would look at booking a room close by and WFH(otel). If she struggles with the overnights you can bring her back to the hotel each evening, or if it really goes pear shaped then you are close to collect and return home.

Is there any chance to try some of the activities beforehand to see how she likes them? My 8yo DD is going on a 2 night (indoor!) Cub camp in a couple of months - her first one. She is currently being assessed for ASD and will struggle with the 2 nights apart from us, and she also has issues with friendship groups and making new friends. However, she is very keen to try it because she'll be doing archery, shooting, climbing, and cooking meals on the campfire - all things she loves and that will carry her through the tougher bits it is yet to be proven how she will cope with the potholing... Thankfully DD's activity weekend is only 30mins up the road, so any problems we can fetch her home and return her the next day to do the bits she loves if necessary.

CatLadyDrinksGin · 22/09/2022 20:50

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:11

Why on Earth can’t you speak to the staff if there are friendship issues?

Don't you think I've done that??!!

How will she be 'massively missing out' there will be other residential trips when she gets to Secondary school.

And this is the prep for those trips. By not going to this those will be much harder.

NoYouSirName · 22/09/2022 20:53

And this is the prep for those trips. By not going to this those will be much harder.

I disagree. Adding pressure and a negative experience before she is ready will make those trips harder.

CatLadyDrinksGin · 22/09/2022 20:55

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:19

@girlmom21 what's so great about kayaking and abseiling.

In a safe way for children who struggle with confidence they’re amazing. I’m a completely non sporty socially awkward geek and I loved it when I went abseiling and kayaking with school- was a huge boost for me.

jeaux90 · 22/09/2022 21:00

OP your job as a parent is to bring up an independent and resilient adult.

You do that by preparing them for things they don't always want to do but will probably benefit from.

You had months to prepare her for it and didn't.

Mine has ADHD and ASD, life is difficult enough without enabling her self inflicted constraints.

CanYouShakeIt · 22/09/2022 21:02

My autistic DD just had her year 6, outward bound residential.

I was so anxious about her going but she had the best time. It was honestly an incredible experience for her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread