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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Residential trip

108 replies

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 18:14

Autistic Dd has the year 6 residential trip coming up. It's three days and two nights away. It's to an activity centre in the new forest and I know she will hate it. Plus being away from home and friendship issues in the class. I'm not sending her, seems like she is the only one not going. She's upset today as everyone is the class is talking excitedly about it and she feels so left out but I know she will feel so miserable if she goes. Have I done the right thing?

OP posts:

Dogsogdog · 22/09/2022 19:09

You’ve made it worse

girlmom21 · 22/09/2022 19:10

You need to let her make her own decision - not put your concerns onto her.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/09/2022 19:12

It's up to her. Is there anyway she can go now she's decided she wanted to?

devildeepbluesea · 22/09/2022 19:13

I don’t think this was the right decision.

Thatsnotmycar · 22/09/2022 19:19

If DD wanted to attend I think you should have supported her to go and discussed with school how you/they could support her and what reasonable adjustments could be made, especially as DD already feels left out.

Pupils talking about who they are going to sit with etc. is a normal part of the build up to residential trips, it’s not about those not attending.

CheapFoodShits · 22/09/2022 19:21

Meanwhile, my DS has the same issues as your DD and has decided for himself that he doesn't want to go on his residential and I'm spending all my energy trying to make him see the benefits of going. He's having none of it and I hate the thought of him regretting his decision when everyone comes back talking about the great time they've had.

You're making the wrong decision, OP. And the fact you've made it without hearing your daughter out first makes it so much worse. It sounds like you're projecting your own separation anxiety onto your daughter under the guise of her not fitting in. That's really, really sad.

Mummysharkargggggggg · 22/09/2022 19:24

My autistic year 4 is invited by school to go on the same residential as yours.3 day 2 nights at an activity centre.
It's all her fears in one trip (water,heights,dark night walks)she's absolutely petrified at the thought of going but also petrified of having to join another year group of children at school she doesn't know if she doesn't go.
The decision is entirely hers but I know either option is going to be too hard for her 😩.
The school aren't very sympathetic.

Doubleraspberry · 22/09/2022 19:27

My daughter with ASD and friendship issues had a fantastic time on her residential in year 6. She had a lot of nerves building up to it, and the school were really great supporting her in talking through her anxieties (and it’s a shame your DD is not getting support in school here). I think if she hadn’t gone she’d have missed out on a massive experience the others all had together.

She worried a lot about who she would sit next to/share a room with/be in a group with and the school planned it all out so she knew what would happen and was with people she was friendly with.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 22/09/2022 19:33

I am split on this.

It's easy to say let her go.

But OP does know her daughter. And what if she does tap out and want to be picked up the first night.

Is that possible? The wasted money?

If OPs daughter begs to come home can OP say tough shit?

Would you ll support her then in leaving her child there?

jeaux90 · 22/09/2022 19:33

I'm not sure you have done the right thing. You've had months to prepare her for a trip that can help build resilience, confidence and new friendships too. She also needs to work out that friends can be disappointing and navigating that is a useful lesson.

My DD13 has ADHD and ASD and had a great time on the residential trips.

mrsm43s · 22/09/2022 19:47

I'm sorry, but whilst I'm sure you had the best intentions, you've handled this exceptionally badly.

Greenstar22 · 22/09/2022 19:47

You're probably right that she wouldn't enjoy it, but the only thing is she will always remember that she didn't have a choice. My ds wanted to go on a similar trip, I knew he would struggle and I tried to advise him not to go but he was adamant he was going. He did indeed hate it, but he knows he made the decision and now is much more aware of what he is comfortable doing and not doing. So I think he learnt something from it. Although it will be hard for you, I'd talk to her again and maybe let her go as a learning experience but I know it's really difficult when you know what you're child is like.

Magnanimouse · 22/09/2022 19:53

Unless we are talking extremely severe autism, you need to let her go. Sorry to say this, but the challenges of Year 7 on a daily basis will far outweigh whatever goes on in a primary school residential under the care of teachers who know her. You are putting your anxieties on to her.

JuneOsborne · 22/09/2022 19:57

Hang on, did you give her the choice or did you just not say anything to her, decline the trip and now she's found out that everyone else is going because the kids have started talking about it at school?

NoYouSirName · 22/09/2022 19:58

For my dd I stated in a hotel around the corner and picked her up at night, I worked from the hotel during the day.

I’m not sending her on this year’s trip at all because she really doesn’t want to and I know she will be overwhelmed by it.

It’s a tough call, OP. Ignore anyone being horrible, who doesn’t understand how hard it is making these decisions for autistic children. You often can’t win, if like my dd they can’t cope with participating but can’t cope with missing out either. You have to make these decisions on a case by case basis for your child, who you know best.

Can you take a day’s leave and do something nice with her?

Stompythedinosaur · 22/09/2022 20:00

I think if she wanted to go you should have encouraged her to give it a try.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 22/09/2022 20:00

I think you are right tbh.

Chamelotfolk · 22/09/2022 20:02

Op, I haven't read all the posts on here so not sure if it has already been suggested,can you go with her ? School's are always short staffed and might appreciate your help in volunteering . We have a ADHD child in our class and he is a lovely boy gets along with my DC's but his parent always accompanies him on trips . If thats an option for you ,may be talk to the child's class teacher?I hope you are able to sort something out with the school. Oh yes and if you do want to go along mention helping out as that works better.

Original poster

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:04

.
It's all her fears in one trip (water,heights,dark night walks)she's absolutely petrified at the thought of going but also petrified of having to join another year group of children at school she doesn't know if she doesn't go.

This in spades !! I'm sure it won't scar her for life if she doesn't go to be honest.

OP posts:

Lulu1919 · 22/09/2022 20:05

If you can work from home could you work nearby so she can do day activities and or stay over knowing you can pick her up if it does go wrong ?

Original poster

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:05

@CheapFoodShits you're making your child go on a trip he really doesn't want to go in case he regrets it?? I think that's really really sad.

OP posts:

MoreRainbowsPlease · 22/09/2022 20:07

Is it at Avon Tyrell? If so the NAS used to do family breaks there so staff are used to dealing with people with autism.

I sent my Ds1 on the yr 6 residential because nearly every other year 6 was going. He was diagnosed with autism about 3 months before he went and I wasn't sure what to do, but sent him in the end because I was able to go and get him at the drop of a hat if needs be. He did enjoy most of the activities, but really struggled at meal times because of his issues with food (which I think they would have tried to do something to help with if his diagnosis had been earlier). I was a total mess for the 4 days worrying that I wasn't there for him. When he got back he said he had enjoyed bits, but he never wanted to do another residential.

You know your daughter best so if you don't think she would be ok then even if she is feeling left out at the moment I wouldn't send her, unless there is a way of bringing her home if she got there and wasn't ok.

Pinkpeony2 · 22/09/2022 20:07

You’ve I’ve decided she would hate it and not had a balanced and open minded discussion with her.
She’s said she wants to go as others are excited. You’ve put the whole trip down and IMO projected your worries about it on to her. You have already decided that if she doesn’t go she will be at home with you which will be unauthorised absence I would have thought.
Why on Earth can’t you speak to the staff if there are friendship issues?
My sons class has a very high amount of SEND kids in the class many many of which have been diagnosed with autism and 5 have a EHCP. They all managed to go to the last 3 day residential trip and that was in y5.
She will massively miss out. It’s a huge thing in y6 and a small taste of independence

Original poster

lollipoprainbow · 22/09/2022 20:08

You've had months to prepare her for a trip that can help build resilience, confidence and new friendships too. She also needs to work out that friends can be disappointing and navigating that is a useful lesson.

I don't feel the trip will give her any of this, she struggles to make new friends. She's well aware that friends can be disappointing we have it on a daily basis she doesn't need a residential trip to work that one out.

OP posts:

gogohmm · 22/09/2022 20:08

I asked my dd about trips and let her go if she wanted even against my better judgement. She was a veteran at staying away by year 6 though as she was a chorister

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