Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

740 replies

Hope54321 · 22/09/2022 14:11

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 25/09/2022 08:56

TheHoover · 25/09/2022 08:06

Why we are even having this ridiculous argument is to justify a sense of entitlement.
’you had it better therefore it’s your obligation to help out’.
Its just grown up kids not standing on their own two feet by taking the opportunity not to have to pay a whack of cash for childcare when they can get it for free.

I agree with this. Each generation has to adapt to the circumstances within which they find themselves. Demanding transfers of labour/wealth from older generations is not really a solution.

Realistically, the way people are adapting in practice is by having fewer or no children. On a societal level, this may be a problem but on an individual level it makes perfect sense.

Joolianne · 28/09/2022 01:08

Not all grandparents are able or want. To care for children when they retire. After all they have bought up there children and now its time they had some peace and quiet . However lm sure they would oblige occasionary. If you cant afford kids dont have them !!

theremustonlybeone · 28/09/2022 07:32

As I will have been working since I was 17 and retiring at 60 I have no interest in taking on a new job. A bit of baby sitting and sleep overs and helping out I have no issue with but I won’t be tied down to scheduled childcare. Many woman from my mothers generation never worked and had kids young. Therefore were young grandparents too. My mum was a grandparent when she was 37. She is 70 and has a number of great grand children too. Many of mates didn’t even become parents until 37.

Times have changed as many more woman are working parents and as I have stated earlier despite that are still the focal point when it comes to expectations around offering childcare to grandchildren when they retire whilst the grandfathers head off to play golf and potter around in there allotment enjoying their retirement.

cruisebaba1 · 16/03/2023 14:57

lickenchugget · 22/09/2022 14:32

What?!

Show quote history

🙄🙄🙄

pompomdaisy · 18/03/2023 12:52

Yep we will be heading south in our campervan. If our daughters want us to take grandkids with us for 5-6 months that's fine otherwise tough!

girlfriend44 · 18/03/2023 13:56

Flamingyon · 22/09/2022 14:13

My friend has just become a grandmother and has been (to put it nicely) pressured into giving up her part time job, volunteering day and hobby to provide childcare. She is in her 60s and doesn’t want to do it but feels like she has no choice - it’s either that or lose her family altogether.

if she loses them because she didnt give them childcare they then arent worth keeping anyway.

MotherOfPuffling · 18/03/2023 18:31

girlfriend44 · 18/03/2023 13:56

if she loses them because she didnt give them childcare they then arent worth keeping anyway.

Show quote history

It may just be that they simply wont be able to stay living near her, and will have to move a long way away to be able to afford to survive.

Richhandcream · 18/03/2023 18:33

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

😂😂😂😂

riceuten · 18/03/2023 19:41

MotherOfPuffling · 18/03/2023 18:31

It may just be that they simply wont be able to stay living near her, and will have to move a long way away to be able to afford to survive.

Show quote history

Yes, how selfish of her. Maybe grandma should sell her house and rent so they can inherit the money early ? How dare she want a life...

sst1234 · 18/03/2023 20:12

There is nothing wrong with expecting grandparents to provide childcare. If people were also prepared to look after or support parents in old age. That’s how it works in other cultures. Multi generational households and no concept of nurseries for the young or nursing homes for the elderly.

Mary46 · 18/03/2023 20:42

No wouldnt commit to it full T. I see it with my friend always rush back to accomodate the son. It does really tie you I think.... I would help yes a bit. My mam never helped us we coped fine lol.

XingMing · 18/03/2023 20:45

I understand most of the thought strands about grandparents offering childcare help, but because our family situation is not one where everyone has always lived in the same place all their lives, the normal rules don't actually apply, because there's no locus. My sister returned to the UK after 40 years abroad a few years ago. Her children grew up in Latin America, Asia, Africa and two European countries. One lives in the Middle East, another in the UK. DSis now lives in a Midlands town close to our mum and her daughter, and they look out for each other but aren't joined at the hip. Sister and BIL do quite a bit of school pick ups and are available for childcare in emergencies.

I live four hours away, 80 miles from where we grew up because I worked in the US and then in London but my DH created his business here, which is 200 miles away. His parents retired 300 miles from us. We have no grandchildren and are unlikely to have any for at least 10-15 years, by which time we shall be nudging 80, so we are thinking of moving overseas to retire somewhere warmer once DM passes away. I've moved almost every five years of my life. Both our families were used to moving for work every few years so we rather enjoy the idea of change. Our contribution to our DC is likely to be financial rather than hands on.

MotherOfPuffling · 18/03/2023 23:43

riceuten · 18/03/2023 19:41

Yes, how selfish of her. Maybe grandma should sell her house and rent so they can inherit the money early ? How dare she want a life...

Show quote history

I just mean that it may not be that simple. Maybe it’s a case of them saying what they’d need to be able to stay, rather than demanding it? No one has the right to demand it, but accepting a financial reality is something else.

riceuten · 19/03/2023 01:13

Emotional blackmail by any other name

follyfoot37 · 19/03/2023 07:16

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

What a stupid and ignorant post
Your assertion that the system has given people of a certain age 'so much' is just so much rubbish. You are suggesting that all old people are living a life of Riley in mansions and going on cruises; if you had any knowledge or the wherewithall to find the facts, or indeed, to ask an older person, you will see how stupid that view is
So no, you choose to have children, you are responsible for them (excluding emergencies of course), not your DPs or PILs

IAmTheWalrus85 · 19/03/2023 07:30

I’ve no doubt that you know parents who expect this of their parents but in my world I don’t know anyone who expects their parents to provide childcare. Amongst my friends no one expects their parents to provide childcare but the universal complaint is that their parents are too busy living their own lives even to spend a small amount of time with their grandchildren.

My parents are alcoholics though so I’ve never had any expectation of them at all!

Madamum18 · 19/03/2023 16:42

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

Are you serious?? Dear dear me!

teomama · 19/03/2023 16:46

We’ve never been offered help by my in-laws. We’re not giving them hard time for that, but it would have been nice to go out for dinner once a month.

SerafinasGoose · 19/03/2023 17:32

Most of my close family members are dead.

We've never received help from my in-laws and have never asked for any. They were not even particularly attentive parents to my DH. Suits me; we are used to fending for ourselves and are completely free from any form of reciprocal obligation.

Sixtyfourteen · 19/03/2023 20:16

teomama · 19/03/2023 16:46

We’ve never been offered help by my in-laws. We’re not giving them hard time for that, but it would have been nice to go out for dinner once a month.

Babysitter?

teomama · 19/03/2023 20:25

Yes, we do use a sitter from time to time. It just baffles me they’ve never offered to sit around for a few hours after the children have gone to bed, but fair - no one is obliged to help.

Purpleturtle45 · 19/03/2023 20:32

I don't think it should be expected that grandparents should help and they should only do it if they want to. My MIL had loads of help from her Mum and is very happy to pass that on to help us, she loves it and thinks that what being a Granny is all about. We are so lucky to have her.

My Mum chose not to help out with childcare at all and that's her perogative and I never asked as she made it very clear she didn't want to. Until my brother had kids and she was more than happy to help him out with childcare.

IMO every Grandparent should do what the thing is right for them is but keep on consistent between their children/grandchildren.

Madamum18 · 20/03/2023 17:37

All the posters on here waxing lyrical about how Gp don't need/shouldn't feel any obligation to help out at all/take an interest in their GC.
Can only assume such posters are not in situation with both parents working FT to make ends meet and zero help at all. Haven't given birth alone as DH with older child at home. Haven't passed out due to exhaustion

Well I didn't give birth alone but apart from that apart from that yes I have brought up 2 children with both of us working FT to make ends meet (only just) and with zero help at all.

And I DONT expect grandparents to help out. As a grandparent now myself I did help out until my son and family moved too far away, but that was a choice on my part NOT an obligation. And my son and family never viewed it as an expectation or an obligation on my part!!

WE chose to have our children, we therefore have to manage around the consequences of that. Other people are not obliged to change their lives (the one life they have) just to fit in and make the execution of our choices easier for us!

Catsmere · 20/04/2023 06:38

tfresh · 22/09/2022 14:17

It's the world grandparents have created. Most families will require 2 working parents to have any chance of putting a roof over the kids head.

Grandparents could avoid this by giving back to the system that has given them so much. However, I don't see this happening anytime soon, so maybe chin up and help out.

I’m old enough to be a grandparent and it’s funny, I don’t remember creating a world where two incomes were needed to raise children. Don’t remember my mother, who had to get a job when my arsehole father waltzed off with his latest adulterous bit, creating it, either.

SelfishH · 20/04/2023 06:44

I just see this as part of being a loving family to be honest. An expectation no. But I'd feel a bit rubbish if my parents didn't want to help at all with their grandchild. They actually adore being grandparents and although they do still work, will help out whenever they can. It's not an expectation but they have definitely reaped the rewards in the closeness they now share with their grandchild.

I view it in the same way as I do them getting older. Am I obligated to help them in their old age? No. Will I? Yes because I love them and it's what being family is to me, helping each other.

Swipe left for the next trending thread