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Original poster

Entitled attitude: grandparents must provide childcare

740 replies

Hope54321 · 22/09/2022 14:11

I’m seeing a lot more of this attitude quite recently. Why do people have children if they can’t look after them or pay for their childcare? Why is it that grandparents are expected to do the childcare so the parents can work? I think it’s acceptable if the grandparents are offering to help out, but to feel like grandparents should be obliged to offer childcare is simply taking the biscuit.

OP posts:
PurpleReins · 23/09/2022 21:50

My DM always made it clear to me that I should not expect her to look after any DC I had, before they were born. I was able up afford nursery for my DS (I worked 3 days; 1 of those days paid for childcare). When my DD arrived, I gave up work as my husband’s salary had increased. She went to preschool at 3. I DO realise how fortunate we are.
But still I felt that we had the best of both worlds, in that if I had any questions/issues with the quality of childcare, I could discuss this in a neutral way with the nursery/preschool. Rather than any awkwardness with DP. Most importantly, DP saw my DC when they wanted to as grandparents, not required childcare.
I realise this is different to many other families, but I know I avoided many disagreements with my DP this way. Lots of my friends whose DP did childcare fell out with theirs.
I know many families don’t have a choice with childcare options but feel like I honoured my DM’s wish by never even considering them having my DC other than at social times.

Wouldloveanother · 23/09/2022 21:53

JudgeJ · 23/09/2022 21:41

It makes me laugh when people are all ‘oh my parents didn’t splash out money on iPhones/gym memberships back in their day’
no because they didn’t fucking exist 😂 they weren’t valiantly going without.

Wow, a social scientist in the making! Of course those examples of technology didn't exist but there has always been 'the latest' in every generation! My parents were the first in our avenue to get a fridge, I was talking to my grandchildren the other day about watching the '53 Coronation on a tiny 9 or 12 inch black and whote TV, a lot of the neighbours in there and the curtains drawn! We'd actually bought/rented it for the Cup Final the month before. People bought/rented what they could afford, a lot of second hand furniture changed hands when young people were setting up home.

I know it's the MN mode to sneer at such 'anecdotes', that doesn't distract from their veracity.

Today’s equivalent is Facebook buy and sell.

This ‘the new generation spend a fortune on everything’ is a load of rubbish.

it’s just the cost cutting measures change form.

Blossomtoes · 23/09/2022 21:55

Iseestupidpeople · 23/09/2022 21:29

Actually you are entitled if you think grandparents shouldn’t help out. They have done so for thousands of years. You know it takes a village and all. But the last generation where mum stayed at home with kids pretty much ended with the baby boomers. And yes they paid a lot less tax in comparison and had better benefits from the NHS being entirely free to going to Uni for free as well as ending their kids to Uni for free and not to mention being able to by a nice suburban 3-bed with garden for £3,000 and still paying a mortgage for this in 2000 20-30 years after buying it, when you couldn’t rent a bed sit for the tiny amounts they pay. Yes they were and are still a lot wealthier.

Basic tax was 33% when I started work
The NHS is still free
Only 5% of the population went to university
Student loans were introduced in 1990, our kids have them
My first house was £70k

Apart from that I guess you’re right.

Misty333 · 23/09/2022 23:08

WTF t fresh is talking utter nonsense doesn’t make any sense!!!!

Chooksnroses · 23/09/2022 23:32

Reveriesreverie · 23/09/2022 18:06

Yes. You voted a succession of @#£&)+)- into parliament. Your house prices were peanuts. You earnt enough to have the luxury to stay at home looking after your kids whilst your husband went to work a job that covered all the expenses. You chose to have children that are now suffering the consequences of your voting actions.

Roll up your sleeves and help them. Cause we're all struggling.

You're talking utter bollocks.

bloodyplanes · 23/09/2022 23:45

I love my grandchild but I don't want to do regular childcare and i most certainly don't think my ds and dil are " entitled" to childcare from me! I have raised my dc to adults and now its my time to enjoy my life.

Mulhollandmagoo · 23/09/2022 23:48

I have a couple of friends who have expect so much from their own mum's in terms of childcare, because they spent so much time with their own grandparents growing up - as did I, however my mum (who does help me out where she can childcare wise) is still working full time in her early 60's whereas my gran was retired in her 40's and only worked part time before then, so had both the time and the energy to provide lots of childcare.

YomAsalYomBasal · 24/09/2022 00:06

I expected a bit of help because my parents told me to move closer when I got pregnant, so that they could help. Having moved closer they told me not to enrol my son in nursery as they wanted to help instead. In actual fact they just made themselves unavailable every time I needed them, and eventually they did nothing to help or even show an interest. They don't generally visit, maybe an hour on special occasions, and my children are not welcome in their house in case they make a mess.
I do feel somewhat resentful, I'm not sure that's the same as feeling entitled.

Charl1991 · 24/09/2022 00:09

It’s because nobody can afford the bloody extortionate childcare costs in this country. And it’s only getting harder. If everybody didn’t have kids unless they had £700pcm+ spare for childcare there would be very few children wouldn’t there.

StillMedusa · 24/09/2022 00:58

I'm a Granny who has recently given up work (after going part time) to care for my Grandchild.
But I do it because I WANT to and because I can! I'm 54 so too young to retire and am considering whether to look for different p/t work that I can fit around my DD2's childcare needs or whether I may actually go through the process to become a registered childminder.
But I have a background of 17 years in Special Ed, love working with Early Years, and also know that because DD2 and her dh are nurses.. they can't get child care around their shift patterns... some days I have him at 630 am, tonight I was covering the gaps and putting him to bed!

DD2 doesn't feel entitled... just very grateful! And with half of my own children spread across the world, I feel incredibly lucky that my toddler Grandson is close and that I can be one of his main carers... for me it is a priviledge and delight to be someone he trusts and loved completely.

But no Grandparent should feel obliged! I had no help with my own four (Forces so no relatives nearby) and it was tough... so being able to help my own DD2 is lovely!

antelopevalley · 24/09/2022 01:11

@StillMedusa You are still young. Are you very well off that you do not have to do paid work or pay into your pension?

Mothership4two · 24/09/2022 04:03

My MIL made it very clear that they would not be available for childcare - 'I'm not going to be one of those grandmothers'. PIL live about 10 miles away and DP about 350 miles away. Both sets did the very rare occasional babysitting; PIL overnights and DP weekends. DP kept saying that they wanted to move closer to help out, but never actually made any moves to make it happen. I think the last time DM mentioned it DS2 was around 13, so I said it's a bit too late for that Mum (she looked a bit put out). We just had to get on with it.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 24/09/2022 05:00

Dotjones · 22/09/2022 14:30

Everything a child does, even when they reach adulthood, is ultimately the responsibility of their parents and grandparents. Therefore it's right that grandparents should be expected to provide free childcare for their grandchildren; if they didn't want to do this, they shouldn't have had children of their own in the first place, that way the grandchildren could never have existed.

Are you on glue? 🙄🤣

BatshitCrazyWoman · 24/09/2022 05:05

Dacadactyl · 23/09/2022 18:17

Can i ask the last few posters what do you did in your 20s? Apologies if you are all still in your 20s and struggling with these childcare dilemmas. I am just curious.

For example, how many times did you go abroad or change your car?

We just about paid our mortgage and bills. No car, and rare holidays (not abroad). No child tax credits, either. No facials, Botox, manicures, designer handbags, and we rarely bought clothes/anything unnecessary. It was hard!

Ford8663 · 24/09/2022 05:19

I am a grandparent I work full time I also look after my grandchildren and my elderly mother who has dementia. I don’t grudge one minute of it BUT it’s tiring and some days I would love to have no responsibility I feel that this age I’m at now is the hardest as I am caring for 2 generations at either side me

rockyg · 24/09/2022 05:21

For the grandparents who don't help out of choice as opposed to distance, health etc & for the dc who don't have any help do you have help/give help to gps for support they might need?

I had/have help with dc but likewise help gps with things they may need. It's normal in my culture for families to all pitch in & often be too involved! 😆

Wouldloveanother · 24/09/2022 05:34

rockyg · 24/09/2022 05:21

For the grandparents who don't help out of choice as opposed to distance, health etc & for the dc who don't have any help do you have help/give help to gps for support they might need?

I had/have help with dc but likewise help gps with things they may need. It's normal in my culture for families to all pitch in & often be too involved! 😆

If the GPs need support it’s likely they’re too old or infirm to look after children for any significant amount of time.

rockyg · 24/09/2022 05:50

@Wouldloveanother why would you only need support if you were infirm? Just general stuff, eg my mum doesn't like driving anymore so I will sometimes give her a lift, my mil is over cooking so we will often cook her a lasagna etc. DH is going to fix my dads dishwasher today & yesterday I touched up my mums greys. My mil always has a list of DIY jobs.

1ittlegreen · 24/09/2022 07:20

Namenic · 22/09/2022 14:27

Agree. We get loads of grandparent help, but I say to them to please go on the holidays they want and do the things they want - if possible let us know in advance so we can plan. It is mine and DH’s responsibility to look after the kids if they are doing something else. They are fine to pop around whenever (would prefer for them to let us know so We aren’t out of the house or anything). I hope we can support them as they get older.

How very generous of you.

RedStef1983 · 24/09/2022 07:47

This is part of the reason we have decided NOT to have a second child.

I waited until I was 35 to have my daughter, and my mum was older when she had me too.

My parents kindly have my daughter 2 afternoons a week between 1-5pm. They are happy with this this. When they go on holiday (which they do 3/4 times a year) I swap my work days around or take time off to care for my daughter those afternoons. If my workload won’t permit that then she does extra sessions at preschool.

While I’m aware circumstances can change, I’m a strong believer that you shouldn’t have kids if you can’t pay for their needs or care for them yourself. If I have another baby now I already know my parents won’t be available to help as they already told me when we discussed it. I earn a good wage but am looking forward to not having preschool fees. If I have another baby it will have to go into full time nursery and I’m not willing to do that. So no second baby.

ManyBooksLittleTime · 24/09/2022 07:48

My parents definitely didn't want to do the childcare. My mum made some weird offer of maybe doing a morning a week if I moved back to be near them. Not tempting, so I didn't. Interestingly though, I am expected to have my mentally and physically disabled sister permanently live with me, (which obviously I will), in a couple of years time. This has never been discussed , yet expected. I always thought them v selfish that they never gave me a break considering their future expectations

Boombadaboom · 24/09/2022 08:18

I think you needed to shout because your absolutely spot on!

StillMedusa · 24/09/2022 09:09

antelopevalley Sadly not! I've worked long enough for full State Pension but my work pension is peanuts (School TA) and so I am looking at ways to work that I can fit around caring for my Grandson. I suspect it will end up with me either doing Care work , bank shifts or going self employed.. hence considering Childminding as I have a decent amount of Early Years knowledge and experience...and I love little ones. I only stopped in August and am off to see my eldest son who lives in Australia for a few weeks... once I'm back the hunt is on for either a flexible job, or a way to be self employed!

Namenic · 24/09/2022 09:14

@rockyg - yeah, in my culture too it is normal for support to go both ways. I am open to either set of GPs moving in with us if needed but they are v independent currently. My parents can look after the kids but struggle with internet stuff (health appts, online purchases) - so we do that for them. It’s only a small thing for us, compared to what they do with the kids.

rockyg · 24/09/2022 09:16

@Namenic same