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AIBU?

To breakup with a man for calling me a slut

115 replies

Helpandadvice1 · 21/09/2022 13:15

I have been with My boyfriend for four/five years
we live together

I went out with my friends at the weekend in a city away and he asked me to not post pictures as he would be embarressed his friends would see me out on social media and think I was easy
one of my friends took a picture of me and tagged me when we were out
he found it in the morning and he sent me lots of messages calling me a slut and that I looked like a prostitute
He has sent me 10 screens worth of abuse that he says I cannot think for myself and I always follow the crowd
i asked if he will break up with me and he says no

i am due back this week
one of my friends is with me and she says that the screen shots of the messages alone would be enough to get him charged with control and cohersion. He is sometimes very loving towards me and buys me flowers

i do not always want to have sex but he says that couples have sex once per week so I should - I was bleeding after last sex so I went to gp and they said everything is ok. The sex part of our relationship is not great - he is quite forceful and always touching me

he wants to marry but I am not sure
i think I have to ask him to leave my house my friend says to break up with him and not look back
it is my flat and he moving in

would i be over reacting to dump him based on one argument / text messages? Is my friend right?

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Am I being unreasonable?

465 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
bringincrazyback · 21/09/2022 13:53

OP, I'm so glad it sounds like you're going to leave this awful man. Nothing about the behaviour you've described from him is how a normal loving relationship should be. You'll be so much better off without him.

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AnotherAnxiousMess · 21/09/2022 13:54

Some people's comments are so insensitive! Anyone that has been in an abusive relationship will know it's not always obvious you're being abused when you're actually in it. Stop judging the OP for not realising this sooner, it's her BF that needs bashing, not her. OP leave now and don't look back, you deserve better.

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Mamiamamia · 21/09/2022 13:54

Run, don’t walk, and don’t look back!

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OurChristmasMiracle · 21/09/2022 13:55

BearBibble · 21/09/2022 13:49

Have you ever watched the BBC3 drama (based on true events) 'Murdered by my boyfriend'? I'm not catastrophising - I think you'd see a lot that you recognise if you watch it with your eyes open

I second watching this- it could well be very eye opening for you.

also abusers NEVER start of abusive and are often well liked by everyone else- this is just another part of the abuse- and the buying flowers etc is also a part of it- so that you question yourself.

no man should expect sex daily/weekly:monthly. You should be free to say NO and not be mauled like a piece of meat or coerced into it.

please make sure you leave. It may be worth also logging with 101 so police are aware and can respond if needed when you break up with him.

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Scout2016 · 21/09/2022 14:00

Leave him OP. There's a pattern that sometimes plays out when women try to leave, so in case he goes that way-
Don't let any arguements sway you. He won't change, he's too far gone.
It wasn't alcohol / shit childhood / cultural differences / too much testosterone / any other excuse that made him do shitty things.
It's not your fault. You haven't made him do any of these things.
Ignore him if he says he'll kill himself.
Report to the police if he says he'll harm you.
Or if he threatens to shame you in some way.
Block him on everything you can. Report to the police if he keeps turning up at yours.
Tell people close to you what is going on.

I'm glad you have a good friend.

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LikeAStar1994 · 21/09/2022 14:02

AnotherAnxiousMess · 21/09/2022 13:54

Some people's comments are so insensitive! Anyone that has been in an abusive relationship will know it's not always obvious you're being abused when you're actually in it. Stop judging the OP for not realising this sooner, it's her BF that needs bashing, not her. OP leave now and don't look back, you deserve better.

Some of these comments are truly vile.

But what did I expect from Scumsnet Mumsnet...

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aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:05

Yes he sounds abusive - you also mentioned he is foreign and was here to study - is he still studying or working now? Is he here on a visa, student or otherwise? Just wary of the mention of marriage - what his intentions are with regards to that. I'm glad your friends are looking out for you, listen to them.

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Helpandadvice1 · 21/09/2022 14:07

aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:05

Yes he sounds abusive - you also mentioned he is foreign and was here to study - is he still studying or working now? Is he here on a visa, student or otherwise? Just wary of the mention of marriage - what his intentions are with regards to that. I'm glad your friends are looking out for you, listen to them.

He is here on visa
he already mentioned during an argument that if I loved him enough I would marry him already as it would mean he can stay in the country and would be easier to get a job as he is struggiling to find one
as I am typing this all out it all sounds so clear and I look like an idiot 😭

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aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:12

Well marriage does not confer any automatic rights to remain in UK - as far as I know. It may hasten the process I think from 5 to 3 yrs but you still need lots of other evidence. But I wonder if some people do it still to help their cause.

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aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:14

You are not an idiot - just find a way to exit this toxic relationship safely.

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aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:18

If he was able to find a job from a shortage profession then he'd be fine staying in the country as his employer would provide him with visa. What was he studying? He's probably stressed with that tbh and maybe is taking it out on you. I'd not see this as a viable relationship - what with him not having long term visa and he is abusing you.

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Aldith · 21/09/2022 14:20

You are not an idiot OP. These men can be very persuasive. A friend of mine went abroad to the home country of her abuser to marry him and he got kicked out of the country as an overstayer. Thankfully the marriage whilst valid there was not valid here and he failed to get back into the country. My friend was devastated at the time but as time went on she saw the relationship for what it had been. My friend is happy now, living in her own flat, free to wear what she wants, go where she wants and with whomsoever she chooses whenever she wants. It wasn’t easy but she’s happy and safe now and you can be too.

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Naunet · 21/09/2022 14:27

Ugh, he’s a misogynistic, woman hating, abusive piece of shit. You deserve so much better than bottom of the barrel, trash like this, and we don’t need another abusive man in this country either!

Do you have people who can help you get him out of your house?

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XmasElf10 · 21/09/2022 14:32

If he was like this on the first date you wouldn’t have had a second date. They all know how to pretend to be nice for a few weeks or months. This is now red-flag central and you need to leave. He was never the “nice guy” you first met, that was a front - this is who he is. Leave him!

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Helpandadvice1 · 21/09/2022 14:45

aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:18

If he was able to find a job from a shortage profession then he'd be fine staying in the country as his employer would provide him with visa. What was he studying? He's probably stressed with that tbh and maybe is taking it out on you. I'd not see this as a viable relationship - what with him not having long term visa and he is abusing you.

It was not a shortage profession
it is a phd is arts type thing
the thing is i know he will manage to persaude another woman easily as he is so charming/ good looking

though on our first date he was ok but he said he would make me happiest girl on the world; i am not that happy though now - i met him in a bar and then we went for dinner

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Helpandadvice1 · 21/09/2022 14:46

Aldith · 21/09/2022 14:20

You are not an idiot OP. These men can be very persuasive. A friend of mine went abroad to the home country of her abuser to marry him and he got kicked out of the country as an overstayer. Thankfully the marriage whilst valid there was not valid here and he failed to get back into the country. My friend was devastated at the time but as time went on she saw the relationship for what it had been. My friend is happy now, living in her own flat, free to wear what she wants, go where she wants and with whomsoever she chooses whenever she wants. It wasn’t easy but she’s happy and safe now and you can be too.

Was it european country?

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babyjellyfish · 21/09/2022 14:50

Red flags all over this, OP.

LTB.

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aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:51

Is he working now? How does he support himself?

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Helpandadvice1 · 21/09/2022 14:53

aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 14:51

Is he working now? How does he support himself?

no i think he gets money from home country / family? I am not sure but no part time job. We do 50;50

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WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 21/09/2022 14:55

I can't believe you even need to ask. This man sounds like an incel.

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MRSE20 · 21/09/2022 14:56

Well done on you OP for realising this isn’t normal behaviour it is really easy for others to tell you how blind you are but when you are in that situation especially when they haven’t always be this way from the start love can blind you

You 100% need to get out of the relationship, he seems awful and controlling xx

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Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/09/2022 14:59

Have you dumped him yet?

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aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 15:00

Lucky him to be funded by family and have a girlfriend to half the costs. If he has student visa he can work part time.

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Helpandadvice1 · 21/09/2022 15:02

aintnothinbutagstring · 21/09/2022 15:00

Lucky him to be funded by family and have a girlfriend to half the costs. If he has student visa he can work part time.

I never even thought about it that he has lived here 4/5 years and only studied
i always worked when i studied omg
also that makes sense why he was so keen to live together 😭😭

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Helpandadvice1 · 21/09/2022 15:02

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/09/2022 14:59

Have you dumped him yet?

I will see him later this week but will dump

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