I don't know if i am i need some advice really - my friend has basically just told me she can't be my friend anymore [VERY LONG]

[sparklesandwine]

If i'm posting in the wrong place feel free to tell me, but i just don't know what to do I feel very sad

About 6 months ago we decided to put our house on the market and move, all of our friends knew we were going to move and we're happy for us

We were going to stay in the same town but after very long discussions DP and I decided that we wanted to move to the village up the road (about a mile away) the school is better (we've never been particuarly happy with the school our DC are at) and we also wanted to move into a village for a bit more community/village life hopefully better for our kids and with it only being a mile from where we are now it is still close enough for us to get together with our friends and DC's friends regularly

However, over the last few months my closest friend here has not accepted the fact that we want to move very well and has gone through periods of not talking to me. She feels very upset with me for moving as our DD's (who are 5 and at school together in the same class) are best friends and also our DS's are best friends (they are 3 and not yet at school but at pre-school) she says she doesn't understand why we want to move and change things, i've tried to explain and then we've talked it through and things have been ok again, not 100% but ok

We finally sold our house last week and my friend has taken to not talking to me again, she has made it very obvious that i make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to talk to me so after our previous discussion a month or 2 ago, I said to her after a playgroup today (probably not the best place in hindsight i know but i just needed to say something) I said to her that i know she doesn't want to talk to me etc so i'll find another playgroup to go to make her feel less uncomfortable as i'm the one moving and she's the one staying in the town

She then basically told me that she wished we'd never become friends, i've used her and am now casting her aside and that i have hurt her and her DC so much that she will never be able to forgive me. She said that her DD is very hurt and upset, keeps crying and having nightmares about us moving. I don't know what to do, I (maybe naively) never thought that our moving would have this effect on anyone. I'm comfortable with our decision to move as we both feel that it is the right thing for our family. She has told me that she will let our children keep seeing each other after school a few times a month and in the hols when we move but she doesn't want to do anymore while we're still living here to strenghthen their friendship (there were other things said but thats about the short long! of it!)

I have tried to understand her feelings and reassure her that i will continue to be her friend and that i will do all i can to keep the DC friends, although i know their (our DD's) friendship will change they can still remain close friends i hope, she has said that this isn't good enough and that i have underestimated their friendship and that they are together 6 hours a day 5 days a week and have been very close for 4 years and that i'm being extremely selfish by upsetting my and her childrens happiness. Basically saying that i haven't thought about my kids in this move only about myself and that even if the school isn't very good i should swallow it and keep them here because our DC have good friends.

Yes i am being selfish in that i want to move to a bigger house, a better school and a nice village hopefully making our family's quaility of life better. I know these things aren't the be all and end all of life but DP and I both feel this is right for us. I have moved around a lot as a child and know that other friendships will be formed by all children concerned after a while, but I'm just lost as to what to think or say to her now. She has made it clear that she will say hello to me etc at the school gates but thats it now, no more get togethers for coffee, family parties, meals out etc

I think thats it and that i'm just going to leave it now and not talk to her much as she has asked me to. I don't want to force the friendship if its not there now on her part, but i'm just confussed myself really at how this has all turned out like this and wondered if anyone thinks what we are doing is very wrong and selfish on the part of out childrens friendships, or if anyone else has experienced this before

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you have managed too!

Please say what you honestly think about it/me for doing what i'm doing. I never wanted to hurt her or her family and feel so bad about it i don't know what to do now

I assume someone has already said "mad as a box of frogs" and there's no need for me to repeat it?

You're not moving away - you moving down the bleedin' road. We moved to darkest africa when I was your DD's age with less fuss from friends!

Kewcumber - here here! I have just had a nosey at your photos - aaaaaawwwww so lovely. Sorry - I lost the thread there 'one sandwich short of a picnic' springs to mind x

I think your friend is completely over reacting. Its 1 mile not 100. Friendships are able exist 'long distance'.

I also think that she is jealous.

When dh and i were younger we spent a lot of time with our mates, going to the pub etc and actually getting phone calls inviting us to parties, get togethers etc. Then we bought our first house, it was only about 4 miles from my family home, but it is the other side of a busy road. Pretty much as soon as we moved there the phone calls stopped, we didnt get half the invites we used to. We lived there for 4 years and i can probably count on both hands the amount of time our 'friends' came to visit. Was bothered by it and when it came to the time we needed to move house we thought that if we looked back in the town that we would get included a bit more. We live 2mins from the town and we still dont get invited out, just get to hear of what everyone gets up to. Friends can be fickle, friends get jealous (also have experience of that).

If she were a true friend then she would be supporting your move. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time but its your friend that is being selfish not you.

Best of luck in your new house

sparklesandwine - I've only just seen this. Now... you know what a sensible old thing I am, don't you?

Your 'friend' is a total nutter!

She will probably boil your bunny

What a weird woman - words can't describe it... 'needy, immature, selfish...' well that's a good start.

And what about you? Even thinking that she could be right? Sorry... you're well rid of her.

what bothers me is that this woman is clearly nuts - and you aren't.... so theres more to this ... seems to me you couldn't have had any fun with her on the basis that you aren't more amazed by the behaviour?

Says more about yor friend than it does about you. Very sad, I think she needs help and not you. You seem very mature, oops needed NOW

your friend needs to get a fing grip

You are not being unreasonable. DD1's best friend's parents are contemplating moving to Australia for a year. Which will make all of us very sad. But it wouldn't occur to me to try and talk them out of it. They have the opportunity - it's up to them whether they take it. It's up to me to help DD1 cope and make sure we keep in touch.

But then I grew up among people who kept moving away, so I kind of regard it as par for the course. It was a running joke in our family that as soon as I made a new best friend, their dad got another job several miles away

She's barking. She can't control where you live! Or where any of her ds's friends live. Blimey. Get shot of her as fast as you can, she sounds incredibly needy.

YANBU
1 mile!!! it is not like you are moving to Australia - do you have telephones in the area you live - roads? I walk 1 mile to the other end of our village to take the kids to school.

your kids will only stop being friends now because she has made it that way - she could have sold it as an exciting thing for her DS - oooh we could discover a new playground - I wonder what *&^%'s new house will be like..

Instead she has tormented her child transfering all her feelings to the child - really unfair.

If you value her friendship you could move and show her that you are still around and it is no distance at all, or you can make the break.

That said I am someone who's Dad was in the military and we moved every 18 months - 3 years so it doesn't phase me.

Good luck with the move!

And however good a friend she is - should you honestly be putting her before your family when making a major decision such as buying a house? It's madness!

I think she's reacting this way precisely because it's only a mile down the road. She feels you have judged her choices (school, town etc.) and found them wanting. If you'd had to relocate to the US for work for example, I bet she wouldn't have reacted in the same way.

You're handling yourself perfectly and I guess you just have to chalk it up to experience. FWIW, having moved into a new area when my children were school age, I have watched the fall-out from many a friendship forged through babies/pre-schoolers coming apart over things like this, so you're not alone. Those kinds of friendships can be very intense and at least you won't now have to cope with her feelings over your DD making different friends which I guarantee would have come next if you'd stayed at the same school!

Good luck with your move

Yeah, Zog, I reckon that's a very valid point. She might have understood better if you'd wanted to move long-distance to get more for your money house-wise, and "Oh, how lucky, there's an excellent school there too!" To only move a mile rubs it in a bit (to her, not us sane MN-ers!) that she's prepared to leave her kids in a school you feel is dodgy.

She sounds odd and you are better off without her.

Only read the OP and I am totally . She is a total fruit loop.
You are moving to the next village ffs. She needs to get into the real world. My best friends live no where near where I do, but I do have VERY good friends here. When someone is moving they need support as it is stressful. What a selfish woman. I am not surprised she says her children are upset, she has made them think you moving will ruin their lives and you will never see each other again. It is her fault her children are SO upset not yours.
We are in the forces and my closest friend here is civvie and she does joke that she promised not to get so close to another forces family as we all up and leave after 2 or 3 years, but she and I would never have sacrificed the friendship, fun and support we have shared because we will be moving soon. What kind of life would I have if that were the case?
I really feel for you but I am afraid she seems spectacularly immature and you may have to give up on her . Her loss though. Silly silly woman.

Hi all

I'm feeling much better today, I'm comfortable with the fact that i've done all I can to reassure her that our and our DC's friendship will not change, SHE has decided that she can't cope with the move and therefore no longer wants to be friends (actually told me to 'get out of her face and leave her alone!'

But tbh i no longer care i have a clean conscience that i've done all i can to try to stay friends and now I will move on and leave her to it, she can latch onto someone else now and i'll continue with my rl friends and my friends here on MN

But today has been a good day, we went to the bank this morning and they have agreed to loan us the money for the new house and it comes out a fair bit less than we thought so we'll still be able to save some which is fab news for us!! (fortyplus I know that isn't maybe the right thing to do but we really feel we need to move on and the fact that we will be able to AND still be able to save some is hopefully good, but i shall update you next week on that )

We went to show our DC the house and they seem happy and excited too, I know it will be hard for them to adjust at first but they will be ok after a couple of weeks. and while we were driving round the village they saw a couple of children they already know there so that made them feel easier

You have all been very kind on here, i thought i was being a bit mad myself therefore a moment now I know i'm not - unless you lot are all mad too and she's the sane one!

Yes, we're all loopy and she is clinically sane!

Nope - don't think so!

Well dpne for taking such a positive attitude and great news about the bank and about the children seeing the house.

sparklesandwine - good luck

Oh... and I'm a bit mad but I usually get away with it as I'm also a champion bullshitter!

Sparkles, very glad to hear things are falling into place for you and yours. It's obviously a good move, this move.

Your DCs will make new friends and hopefully keep their old pals too. It's great for them to have this opportunity.

Hopefully, your friend will come round and see what a total goose she's being. You're not responsible for her happiness. It's crackers that she should react this way. Has she put this kind of pressure on you before?

Hope it all goes well.

Sparkles, you have been very good and very patient with her. As you can clearly see, a lot of MNers would have been shot of her long before now.
A few years ago our neighbours split up and my friend took her children to live about an hour and a half away. It was upsetting for us and for our boys as they were very friendly with her dc but you know what? They had to cope because these things happen sometimes. There is no way I would have upset my friend further by demanding that she get a place closer to us and keep her dc in the same school, reasonable people don't do that kind of thing! She should be helping her dd to look on the bright side, maybe setting up playdates with other girls in the class, you know, like a normal mother!

Sparkles, I moved a mile up the road, seem to be the same reasons that you did, bigger house etc (although not into a village but onto the outside) I managed to keep my friends - don't think I lost any! Think she may be a tad jealous!

why did you suggest changing playgroups?

It does seem a bit like you are keen to put some distance between you and her and your child and hers. It just seems like a weird thing to do so maybe a little bit of you wants to distance yourself from this woman anyway.

I am so angry at how this stupid selfish woman has made you feel. At the age of 40 you know that even if you feel sad on your children's behalf (because a friend is moving) you keep it to yourself, you reassure your children if necessary (though it sounds as if there still would have been plenty of opportunity to socialise) and you DON'T rain on someone else's parade to the extent that they - just as you have - doubt themselves and worry (unjustifiably) about how they've handled things.

It's a credit to your thoughtfulness that you have been fretting about this, but how dare she place you in that position ?

Good god ...... life isn't some cosy Enid Blyton tale for most of us where we all live in chocolate box cottages and where our kids learn in classes of 10, and our OHs come home on the dot of 5, and we stay in the same place all our lives .... and when the opportunity to improve the lives of our family in some respect we grab it. Even if you were going to Australia it would be none of her damned bloody business above and beyond being gracious about it and trying to keep in touch.

Over the years I've "lost" various friends as they've moved. You try to keep in touch but it isn't always possible due to time, distance and the expense of getting to meet each other. Have I ever blamed them for this ? ..... have I heck ! She cannot possibly be so thick skinned so as not to realise how arrogant she's being .... this woman is actually suggesting that you put your life and that of your family on hold to suit her. I bet you wouldn't see her for dust if she had an opportunity to move on to better things.

And she has been this outrageous over a mile ...... which is nothing.

She should feel ashamed of herself and her attitude is so outside acceptable behaviour that I can't help feeling she might have mental health problems to have come out with this in the 1st place.