I don't know if i am i need some advice really - my friend has basically just told me she can't be my friend anymore [VERY LONG]

[sparklesandwine]

If i'm posting in the wrong place feel free to tell me, but i just don't know what to do I feel very sad

About 6 months ago we decided to put our house on the market and move, all of our friends knew we were going to move and we're happy for us

We were going to stay in the same town but after very long discussions DP and I decided that we wanted to move to the village up the road (about a mile away) the school is better (we've never been particuarly happy with the school our DC are at) and we also wanted to move into a village for a bit more community/village life hopefully better for our kids and with it only being a mile from where we are now it is still close enough for us to get together with our friends and DC's friends regularly

However, over the last few months my closest friend here has not accepted the fact that we want to move very well and has gone through periods of not talking to me. She feels very upset with me for moving as our DD's (who are 5 and at school together in the same class) are best friends and also our DS's are best friends (they are 3 and not yet at school but at pre-school) she says she doesn't understand why we want to move and change things, i've tried to explain and then we've talked it through and things have been ok again, not 100% but ok

We finally sold our house last week and my friend has taken to not talking to me again, she has made it very obvious that i make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to talk to me so after our previous discussion a month or 2 ago, I said to her after a playgroup today (probably not the best place in hindsight i know but i just needed to say something) I said to her that i know she doesn't want to talk to me etc so i'll find another playgroup to go to make her feel less uncomfortable as i'm the one moving and she's the one staying in the town

She then basically told me that she wished we'd never become friends, i've used her and am now casting her aside and that i have hurt her and her DC so much that she will never be able to forgive me. She said that her DD is very hurt and upset, keeps crying and having nightmares about us moving. I don't know what to do, I (maybe naively) never thought that our moving would have this effect on anyone. I'm comfortable with our decision to move as we both feel that it is the right thing for our family. She has told me that she will let our children keep seeing each other after school a few times a month and in the hols when we move but she doesn't want to do anymore while we're still living here to strenghthen their friendship (there were other things said but thats about the short long! of it!)

I have tried to understand her feelings and reassure her that i will continue to be her friend and that i will do all i can to keep the DC friends, although i know their (our DD's) friendship will change they can still remain close friends i hope, she has said that this isn't good enough and that i have underestimated their friendship and that they are together 6 hours a day 5 days a week and have been very close for 4 years and that i'm being extremely selfish by upsetting my and her childrens happiness. Basically saying that i haven't thought about my kids in this move only about myself and that even if the school isn't very good i should swallow it and keep them here because our DC have good friends.

Yes i am being selfish in that i want to move to a bigger house, a better school and a nice village hopefully making our family's quaility of life better. I know these things aren't the be all and end all of life but DP and I both feel this is right for us. I have moved around a lot as a child and know that other friendships will be formed by all children concerned after a while, but I'm just lost as to what to think or say to her now. She has made it clear that she will say hello to me etc at the school gates but thats it now, no more get togethers for coffee, family parties, meals out etc

I think thats it and that i'm just going to leave it now and not talk to her much as she has asked me to. I don't want to force the friendship if its not there now on her part, but i'm just confussed myself really at how this has all turned out like this and wondered if anyone thinks what we are doing is very wrong and selfish on the part of out childrens friendships, or if anyone else has experienced this before

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you have managed too!

Please say what you honestly think about it/me for doing what i'm doing. I never wanted to hurt her or her family and feel so bad about it i don't know what to do now

You're moving a mile away, sparkles. Your friend really needs to get some perspective.

What a bizarre attitude for your friend to take over a house move of 1 mile

The poor woman must have some much deeper problem. Can't think what it might be.

If she can't be happy for you then I am sure you will make new friends - you sound like the sort of person who wouldn't have too many problems. Hopefully she will be able to be adult enough to maintain a relationship with you for the sake of your children but if she can't this is HER choosing this not you.

Good luck in your move!

I think mad is a bit harsh

Might be kinder to say she has ishoos surrounding abandoment which she has not addressed?

Only read OP.

I think it is very sad. Of course you must do what is right for your family. I wonder if it is self-preservation on her part, cut you out now so it doesn't hurt so much when you go? She also may be jealous at doing something she would like to do. Involving her children to the point that they can't sleep are are crying a lot is not how a mother should behave tbh.

I wish you luck with your move and hope it works out well for you all.

She sounds a bit of a nutter, do her and her children only have you as friends?
For peats sake, you are doing what is right for your family, you are not selfish, she sounds like she needs to get a life and not try to live yours.

Was she abandoned as a child? Divorced parents or something? People obv react extremely to things that touch a nerve with them.

Oh no - sparklesand wine. I was on the other moving thread with you that Katierocket started. Can't believe it has come to this but there are lots of fantastic comments on here as to how unreasonable she is being. If the shoe were on the other foot I doubt she would think "Oh well I have the chance of a better house in a fab village with a nicer school but I won't go because Sparklesandwine isn't coming too". She would move anyway - guaranteed.

I didn't mention it on the other thread as it was about moving but I had a situation like this last year. I was best friends with another mum and we used to see each other all the time. We both lived on adjacent streets where the area was getting bad and were both dying to move. However I sold my house first and we also moved to the next village to a lovely newbuild in a nice area. When I told her about the move I mentioned how she should come over for a bbq and how we could spend the summer in the garden - me, her and our Ds's. However she just stopped calling and wouldn't return my texts or phone calls, even when I told her myself and Ds were missing them and could we sort out whatever was bugging her. Now I look back and think what a silly cow she was being like that and it was her loss. At the time it hurt like hell but you WILL get over it. She is being childish and pathetic. You have done all you can and I know its hurtful but you have done nothing wrong at all. Out of interest what does her DH / DP think?

If she's that mad, whcih she sounds, she might follow you!!!

Sparlesandwine I think you are doing the right thing. Maybe she finds it difficult to makes new friends and was leaning on you too much. She is then inflicting her feelings on you by using her DC's as the reason.

Firstly children bounce back quickly, so this should not have any lasting effect on her DC's. Also, it is not healthy for children to get reliant on just one friend as it discourages new friendships which require practice to make.

Secondly, you are not moving to the other side of the country, only a mile away, so she is being selfish by not being pleased for you.

This sounds like sour grapes. She is not able to move to a nicer house, better school and feels insecure about it.

It is because you feel strongly about the friendships, however, you cannot stop your life and dreams for the sake of this.

I would be stuck if all my friends felt like this! I am ex RAF and left people to live miles away including Cyprus. IME the people who still remain close friends even when you don't see them for years are the people to hold dear.

thankyou notalone but yes it has come to this now!

In answer to your questions never abandoned her parents still live very close

she is 40

She has a DH, my DP is friends with him and they sometimes go out socially, but her DH will (as any good husband would i suppose ) go along with her wishes as he sees how much she is hurting. I'm not sure that my DP and her DH would try and discuss it tbh their friendship would probably end too. I think i'd rather keep it like this i suppose i can 'forget' the friendship and move on to just being accquantances who's DC like each other if it keeps the DC's friendship going and also the friedship of our DP/DH

maybe it will change once we move and she realises that it wasn't as bad as she thinks its going to be - but then i'm not the one with the cying DD (yet!) so i don't know what they are going through at home and therefore can't discount her as 'mad' because it may not be nice at home for them

Yes but even if it is not nice at home for them she is being a complete bitch to you - it is still not your fault if her dd has taken it really badly.

I would still say that a good friend would be pleased for you and support you in your moe despite the upset it causes to her dd.

YANBU -I've experienced something similar. As everyone else has said, and apologies for pseudo-psychology speak, but your friend sounds like she has "ishooes" and you sound a lovely person to be feeling so concerned about her.

Tbh, it's none of her business where or how you choose to live. I can understand she is upset for her children but even that is unreasonable as you are not moving to the other side of the world - I think she's being manipulative and selfish I'm afraid.

I don't understand it but there are people out there who behave like this. I don't pretend to understand what drives them: insecurity, depression, insensitivity - who knows. However kind you are though, it's NOT your problem.

I think that, rather than still feeling guilty about it all, her reaction ought to make you chuck your hat in the air about choosing to move - to get away from her! You sound like a very nice person (to be so concerned for her), so that explains why she's so upset, but really...... it's her problem, not yours. And I second what LoupyLou6 said about bunnyboilers. Was going to suggest that you keep any pets you own indoors at night from now on.....

I'm trying to understand why she might react like that... perhaps jealousy isn't quite the right word, but perhaps she that where she lives and the school her dc's go to have been indirectly criticised by your decision to leave both behind? I'm not excusing her behaviour by the way - just trying to work out why on earth a grown woman would react like this? I suppose if my dc's were at school with other friends' dc's then they moved on to a better school I would feel a bit 'miffed' (but obviously wouldn't say anything!!!) probably because I would feel jealous, but if they were real friends I would be happy for them, and would want to stay in touch and stay friends... Do you have the kind of friendship with this woman where you find yourself doing things and saying things to please her? Good luck with your move anyway - it sounds great, and you mustn't let this woman put a downer on it!

FFS

I CANT BELIEVE WHAT I READ

your so called friend is so obviously jealous of what you going to have,
BIGGER HOUSE
BETTER SCHOOL etc.......

maybe you don't need a friend like that and better off with out her

its the children i feel sorry for.

didn't read any other posts, but she sounds quite mad.

how on earth can it be deemed that you're selfish for wanting to move 5 minutes up the road?? Does she expect you to put your whole life on hold for her?

I def wouldn't've been so patient and understanding with someone carrying on like that. It's completely bonkers and you've done nothing to feel bad about for deciding to move 1 mile away ffs.

good luck with your move and in your new home and try not to let it bother you.

don't feed her childish tantrums any more

Sounds more like you are getting a divorce.

She is being very manipulative and you need to stop letting her get away with it. Stop trying to please her, sounds like she is really jealous and enjoying making you feel bad. You say she has made it clear she will say hello at the school gate - how very big of her. Bet she's got form for this kind of crap as well.

Sparkle - how does your DD feel about moving - as upset as her DD is? (Or as upset as your nutty, needy friend has said she is?)

My BF moved away to Gloucester when I was 5 (we lived in Cheshire) and I still remember feeling sad but that was because there was no way I was going to see her again in the short term.

People come and go in your life, we make friends at school and they move away. This is part of lifes rich pattern and we as people learn to get over this. Somewhere and somehow in her life this hasn't been learnt and she has not reckoned on her dd having to learn this either.

Change happens in life and we have to deal with it or we end up in a situation like the one you are in now- your friend needs help.

YANBU

A MILE???? FGS I walk a mile everyday to take DD to childminder!!! I do not see the problem (maybe in london is differnt as a mile is considered around the corner. stil...) and let's face it, who can predict how long kids will stay friend with even when leaving next door

Do not make it your problem sparkle. she clearly has 'issues' (envy that she's not aware of maybe?) what does she expect? that from now on you will make every single decision re your family based on her family?

I personally would be the first one to break a friendship if one of my friend made such requests from me!

My 'bestest ever' friends are still those I grew up back in italy (some from the same street some from more than a mile away) and I see them three times a year ... surely your friends kid can manage A MILE??????? I feel sorry for the kids as she's passing on to them this fear and worry.

needy, jealous, quite mad and insane. Does she have problems in other areas of her life?

Don't feel bad- you're moving, you're allowed to.

you are only moving a MILE away!! I think she is being v unreasonable and controlling.
A real friend would want the best for you surely??