I don't know if i am i need some advice really - my friend has basically just told me she can't be my friend anymore [VERY LONG]

[sparklesandwine]

If i'm posting in the wrong place feel free to tell me, but i just don't know what to do I feel very sad

About 6 months ago we decided to put our house on the market and move, all of our friends knew we were going to move and we're happy for us

We were going to stay in the same town but after very long discussions DP and I decided that we wanted to move to the village up the road (about a mile away) the school is better (we've never been particuarly happy with the school our DC are at) and we also wanted to move into a village for a bit more community/village life hopefully better for our kids and with it only being a mile from where we are now it is still close enough for us to get together with our friends and DC's friends regularly

However, over the last few months my closest friend here has not accepted the fact that we want to move very well and has gone through periods of not talking to me. She feels very upset with me for moving as our DD's (who are 5 and at school together in the same class) are best friends and also our DS's are best friends (they are 3 and not yet at school but at pre-school) she says she doesn't understand why we want to move and change things, i've tried to explain and then we've talked it through and things have been ok again, not 100% but ok

We finally sold our house last week and my friend has taken to not talking to me again, she has made it very obvious that i make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to talk to me so after our previous discussion a month or 2 ago, I said to her after a playgroup today (probably not the best place in hindsight i know but i just needed to say something) I said to her that i know she doesn't want to talk to me etc so i'll find another playgroup to go to make her feel less uncomfortable as i'm the one moving and she's the one staying in the town

She then basically told me that she wished we'd never become friends, i've used her and am now casting her aside and that i have hurt her and her DC so much that she will never be able to forgive me. She said that her DD is very hurt and upset, keeps crying and having nightmares about us moving. I don't know what to do, I (maybe naively) never thought that our moving would have this effect on anyone. I'm comfortable with our decision to move as we both feel that it is the right thing for our family. She has told me that she will let our children keep seeing each other after school a few times a month and in the hols when we move but she doesn't want to do anymore while we're still living here to strenghthen their friendship (there were other things said but thats about the short long! of it!)

I have tried to understand her feelings and reassure her that i will continue to be her friend and that i will do all i can to keep the DC friends, although i know their (our DD's) friendship will change they can still remain close friends i hope, she has said that this isn't good enough and that i have underestimated their friendship and that they are together 6 hours a day 5 days a week and have been very close for 4 years and that i'm being extremely selfish by upsetting my and her childrens happiness. Basically saying that i haven't thought about my kids in this move only about myself and that even if the school isn't very good i should swallow it and keep them here because our DC have good friends.

Yes i am being selfish in that i want to move to a bigger house, a better school and a nice village hopefully making our family's quaility of life better. I know these things aren't the be all and end all of life but DP and I both feel this is right for us. I have moved around a lot as a child and know that other friendships will be formed by all children concerned after a while, but I'm just lost as to what to think or say to her now. She has made it clear that she will say hello to me etc at the school gates but thats it now, no more get togethers for coffee, family parties, meals out etc

I think thats it and that i'm just going to leave it now and not talk to her much as she has asked me to. I don't want to force the friendship if its not there now on her part, but i'm just confussed myself really at how this has all turned out like this and wondered if anyone thinks what we are doing is very wrong and selfish on the part of out childrens friendships, or if anyone else has experienced this before

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you have managed too!

Please say what you honestly think about it/me for doing what i'm doing. I never wanted to hurt her or her family and feel so bad about it i don't know what to do now

Malicious, sparkles? You sound like the most considerate, kind hearted person ever.

But I would say that perhaps your friend is manipulating your very good nature, making you feel unnecessarily guilty about getting on with your life the best you can. Perhaps she should do the same.

And re: showing her this thread; well, whilst it might give her some useful feedback that, long-term, she might appreciate, I can't see how it could be anything other than inflammatory now. Judging from what we've gleaned about her personality type, she's not going to take it well, is she? And what's the point of upsetting her further? You're leaving (albeit only a mile, but it sounds as if it's the end of the universe to her) so it's no longer your problem. Yes, she's your friend, and you seem to have tried your very hardest to deal with this sensitively, but she's blown it now by totally over-reacting to what should be good news for you. There's nothing quite so intense as the bonds we make with other women when our kids are very young, but it often passes as they grow and their (and your) interests change. No doubt about it, you've made the right decision to move on. Don't let her spoil it!!!!!

clam i'm afraid you are right i feel that if i did pull out and stay that it would be a false friendship too, kind of well you've done what i said so i'll be your friend again sort of thing

A few weeks ago when this cropped up I actually asked her the following:

If we stayed in the town and just moved schools what would her reaction be, friends or not? - she said that she would have reacted the same as she has now

I asked her if we moved house but kept the kids at the same school what then - she said that she would still be friends because i wouldn't be moving the kids

SO basically what she was telling me then was that we are only friends based on where the kids go to school, i think i should have read the signs then....i thought that we were friends because we got on well....unfortunately i think i will now be more weary of making friends

On the flip side we've just had the offer accepted on the house we want to buy

First time buyers on ours and no chain on the one we're buying, so we could be in there by april/may time

Not a 'flip-side.' The ONLY side, and brilliant news. Well done! I bet, in 10 years' time, you and DP will be sitting in your nice, big new house, trying to remember the name of 'that wacky woman we used to know at the old house.' How much of an influence does she expect to have on your life, long-term?

She eats fruitloops for brekkie.

Seriously, its a house move- to a mile away.

I can't even begin to understand her problem!

Ah - thats fab Sparkles. Really good news. She should be pleased for you and if she isn't then she is not a friend sadly.

Good point re showing her this thread. She probably wouldn't react well based on what you have told us but at least you know after all the responses on here that you are not in the wrong at all. Its sad it had to come to this but at least you now know and can spend time with more deserving friends. I wish you all the luck in the world - you sound like a lovely friend to have and one day she will realise what she has lost

Considering people who live in the same city can live more than a mile apart she is being a bit crazy.

1 mile is nothing! I'm sure there are streets that are longer than that.....

Blondilocks I don't think its the distance that is bothering her really as she can drive although i can not (yet!). i think its that i'm taking my DC out of the school and away from her DC and therefore upsetting her DC, our DD's are very close and she thinks that i'm doing the most awful thing in the world by pulling them apart - i can see the hurt she feels it is/will cause them but i also think she's being a little unfair on me

I think that maybe she is feeling the pain on behalf of her DC for what they are/may go though, maybe this was done to her as a child and she lost a good friend and she can't bare the thought of her DC going through the same, i really don't know

I haven't read the whole thread sorry, so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but...... she's not really a friend is she if she's fallen out with you over something as basic as a house move? It's not like you're emigrating for goodness sake.

I'm just thinking of all the things I've stressed about on behalf of my kids that it subsequently turns out they're not bothered about at all. I'd bet money that her kids will shrug it all off and have new 'best friends' by the end of the week you move.

Sounds like you're well out of it to be honest. I suspect she's feeling jealous at you moving to the bigger house and a slightly different lifestyle and is using the children's feelings as an excuse. If this is how she's behaving, she is not a real friend at all.

Good luck with the move - forget about her if you possobly can; she's not worth it.

I wish I did know then i could have tried to work around it but i think you all may be right its too late now and i need to move on

DS1 is very close with his best friend who he has known since nursery and I am really good friends with his mum and she has been fine with it all, obviously upset for her DS that we are moving but we have talked through what we will do to keep their friendship going and she's going to help me decorate , also our DS's will be at senior school in a couple of years so will be back together then. I expected more of this type of postive reaction from my other friend if i'm honest and was surprised when she told me her feelings about it.

But whats done is done, we will be moving no matter what and my DC will continue to be as happy and secure as we can make them

I think that it is up to her to broaden her childrens horizons, increasing their social circle (if that is what is apparently so important to her), and help them adapt to changes.

It's is coincidental that you are friends and your children are at the same school and best friends. If you werent friends and they'd met at school and then you moved - what on earth would she have done?

It's probably for the best really. I think this move is even better for you and your dd than you realised.

I suspect in a few years time, both you and your DD would have felt suffocated by them both and unable to include others in the social circle. THis would have been awful for your DD i think and caused much friction.

Congratulations on your move - sounds fabulous

OMG! While I can understand her feeling a little bit upset at you moving, to have a go at you like this and stop being friends with you is ridiculous. You are only moving up the road. Weirdo!

What if your DC's fall out?

FWIW my childhood bf and I met at play group, didn't ever go to the same school but were best friends until we both went to senior school, at which point we had just become too different. Years later we have now go in touch again, as have our parents who have rekindled the friendship they had when we were kids.

Dh just said perhaps you should move a bit further away!

VVVQV we have only become friends since our eldest DC started school so have only known each other through the schoolgates really, we didn't know each other before DC so there is no other history for us apart from the kids i guess gives me more to think about...

....i also think your right about being suffocated evenutally, my DD is like me she likes to have a good varied range of friends equal in importance of friendship, maybe her friend might not accept as they grow older if she becomes more like my friend friend friend?? who knows!.....

Message withdrawn

Well done on your move it sound lovely!

the only thing you've done is help your dcs learn about change and attachments and continuity and all the other stuff in life that it's really helpful to learn how to deal with.

Your friend sounds like she might be a bit personality disordered TBH and quite damaged/damaging.

Enjoy your new life and hope you meet some fab new friends!

Your friend sounds jealous.

Thank you all SO much for all your kind support its been very helpful for me to get other peoples perspective on this situation, it seems that the move may be the best thing for us all tbh before it actually starts to harm my DC's sense of security or neediness

I think you all quite conclusively assured me that my actions and thoughts are normal

You are wonderful MNers with a lot of sound advice thank you for sharing it with me

I'm going off now to brag about my new house

Here here wisteria I completely agree.

I think its probably her behaviour that is upsetting her dd not yours.

If it helps all my closest friends and I have had to have some sort of upset/fight/tough conversation at some point in our relationship and I can honestly say we're closer because of this.

I think you need to stand up for yourself here. Tell her you're really disappointed with the way she's reacting and although you understand she's sad its not that far of a distance and a true friend would be happy for you. I would leave it up to her whether to continue the friendship (if you do still want to be friends with her) by saying something like "I would still like to be friends with you but I need you to move beyond this - its up to you."

I just left some of my closest friend in the UK to move to another country - every single one of them cheered me on (even when I was wavering) and no one ever asked me why I was doing it.

SHE is letting YOU down. Take control of the situation and remember your children will hardly remember how it is now. You are very far from being a bad person!

let's have a look at the new house then /nosey emoticon.

(can't add anything to the substance re unhinged friend and sane mn-er...)

I know im late to this but...you are moving 2 mins up the road..not the other side of the chuffin world!..your friend has obviously become very reliant on you for friendship and tbh that makes for a very oppressive friendship.
let her get on with it and good luck with your house move.

I am so angry with your friend. If you were emigrating to Australia - then maybe she would have a bone to pick with you. There is so much sadness, crime and evil in the world - you are just moving - down the piggin road. OMG I hate it when people treat things like this with so much importance. Go where your heart leads you my love. You are doing nothing wrong. Tell her to buy a morning newspaper and have a read through it - she MAY realise you are just bloody moving