I don't know if i am i need some advice really - my friend has basically just told me she can't be my friend anymore [VERY LONG]

[sparklesandwine]

If i'm posting in the wrong place feel free to tell me, but i just don't know what to do I feel very sad

About 6 months ago we decided to put our house on the market and move, all of our friends knew we were going to move and we're happy for us

We were going to stay in the same town but after very long discussions DP and I decided that we wanted to move to the village up the road (about a mile away) the school is better (we've never been particuarly happy with the school our DC are at) and we also wanted to move into a village for a bit more community/village life hopefully better for our kids and with it only being a mile from where we are now it is still close enough for us to get together with our friends and DC's friends regularly

However, over the last few months my closest friend here has not accepted the fact that we want to move very well and has gone through periods of not talking to me. She feels very upset with me for moving as our DD's (who are 5 and at school together in the same class) are best friends and also our DS's are best friends (they are 3 and not yet at school but at pre-school) she says she doesn't understand why we want to move and change things, i've tried to explain and then we've talked it through and things have been ok again, not 100% but ok

We finally sold our house last week and my friend has taken to not talking to me again, she has made it very obvious that i make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to talk to me so after our previous discussion a month or 2 ago, I said to her after a playgroup today (probably not the best place in hindsight i know but i just needed to say something) I said to her that i know she doesn't want to talk to me etc so i'll find another playgroup to go to make her feel less uncomfortable as i'm the one moving and she's the one staying in the town

She then basically told me that she wished we'd never become friends, i've used her and am now casting her aside and that i have hurt her and her DC so much that she will never be able to forgive me. She said that her DD is very hurt and upset, keeps crying and having nightmares about us moving. I don't know what to do, I (maybe naively) never thought that our moving would have this effect on anyone. I'm comfortable with our decision to move as we both feel that it is the right thing for our family. She has told me that she will let our children keep seeing each other after school a few times a month and in the hols when we move but she doesn't want to do anymore while we're still living here to strenghthen their friendship (there were other things said but thats about the short long! of it!)

I have tried to understand her feelings and reassure her that i will continue to be her friend and that i will do all i can to keep the DC friends, although i know their (our DD's) friendship will change they can still remain close friends i hope, she has said that this isn't good enough and that i have underestimated their friendship and that they are together 6 hours a day 5 days a week and have been very close for 4 years and that i'm being extremely selfish by upsetting my and her childrens happiness. Basically saying that i haven't thought about my kids in this move only about myself and that even if the school isn't very good i should swallow it and keep them here because our DC have good friends.

Yes i am being selfish in that i want to move to a bigger house, a better school and a nice village hopefully making our family's quaility of life better. I know these things aren't the be all and end all of life but DP and I both feel this is right for us. I have moved around a lot as a child and know that other friendships will be formed by all children concerned after a while, but I'm just lost as to what to think or say to her now. She has made it clear that she will say hello to me etc at the school gates but thats it now, no more get togethers for coffee, family parties, meals out etc

I think thats it and that i'm just going to leave it now and not talk to her much as she has asked me to. I don't want to force the friendship if its not there now on her part, but i'm just confussed myself really at how this has all turned out like this and wondered if anyone thinks what we are doing is very wrong and selfish on the part of out childrens friendships, or if anyone else has experienced this before

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you have managed too!

Please say what you honestly think about it/me for doing what i'm doing. I never wanted to hurt her or her family and feel so bad about it i don't know what to do now

she is nuts
and I don't believe for a second that her 5 yr old is having nightmares about her friend moving a mile away. or if she is, it is because her mother has put some stupid ideas in her head or has been whinging about your move constantly in her present.

she doesn't sounds like a friend at all really. I hope you have a wonderful move, settle your children into school nicely, and make some new friends locally. Enjoy!

Agree with fingerwoman
She sounds like she has totally over reacted .She sounds like she has other issues tbh.

If her daughter is taking it as badly as she says...she isn't exactly helping is she?. Feel sorry for her girl too.

Anyway...you haven't done anything wrong at all. You have been understanding and supportive to the very last. I'm sorry for you.. it must be hard to contend with her. I do feel sorry for her too tbh...she obviously has a problem with how she deals with friendships

A real friend would be pleased for you.

uhhh in her presence!!!

Good god alive - what a manipulative bint this woman is.

YANBU!!!

You are perfectly within your rights to move wherever you like, for this woman to make you feel guilty about making utterly reasonable life choices is completely out of order.

For crying out loud you are only moving a few miles, not to bloody Botswana. And to be honest, harsh as it may sound, kids move in and out of school all the time, you children will make new friends and, after a couple of upsets, will not give it a moments thought. How horrible of her to say that her child is having nightmares about your moving away. As if moving house isn't stressful enough.

This woman sounds like an utter drama queen. I would avoid her like the plague from now on. I probably wouldn't give her any more than a brief 'hello' from now on.

By the way, congrats on sorting out your house and the best of luck with the move, hope all goes well (actually, that's the kind of thing she should have said )

Hello similar name MNetter! I agree with others that this is probably more about her and her insecurities. Your DCs are very little and how many DCs continue with these early friendships I wonder?! You will be just up the road anyway so hardly lacking in opportunities to get together. Maybe she has some ishoooos with her lifestyle or somesuch and is transferring them onto you and your move? I moved with my 2 DDs last year as wanted DD1 to go to a village school - DD1's best mate was upset as they wouldn't be going to same school - were at nursery together for 3 years (they have known each other since birth and her mum is now one of my best mates). I have to say their friendship is still very strong even though they only see each other once or twice a week - in fact the slightly dodgy competitive element has gone so in many ways they appreciate each other loads more. If you can face talking to your friend again I'd maybe be a bit tougher with her and say you are determined for your DCs to remain friends (even if you and she don't) and hope that she feels the same way. She sounds a bit high maintenance anyways IMO... The move will be fab I'm sure - don't let her silly behaviour cast a shadow over it.

Gosh you've all come to the same conculsion it seems, that i'm not mad after all

Dp has said more or less the same as you all have that its a bit of a strange reaction to have and that her DC are going to pick up more on her reaction to this rather than our move - but i still can't help thinking that if we hadn't decided to move then her DD wouldn't have to see this in the first place and it still my fault!

I think she's jealous too, and being a right b*tch to be honest. She is annoyed that your dd will be going to a better school, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if her dd isn't anywhere near as upset as her mum claims she is. As other posters have said, you're not moving to the end of the world - it's really very close by!

I'm sorry you're so upset by this yourself - all the best with the move, I belive you are doing the right thing - lucky you, your new place sounds lovely

Please try to see what a nutter she's being

that is for still thinking it is your own fault

Agree with everyone else sparkles - she is trying to manipulate you and not being very subtle about it. A mile up the road is no distance and if she was serious about the strength of your friendship she would help you both try and find a way to continue to be friends. It definitely sounds like you'd be better off without her in your life.

Repeat slowly and loudly after me 'IT IS NOT MY FAULT! I AM DOING THE BEST FOR MY FAMILY! THIS WOMAN IS NOT A TRUE FRIEND AND IS A TOTAL NUTCASE!'

It isn't you that's hurting her or her family, she's doing it herself. You're moving a mile away! You can see each other every day if you wanted to.

She is hurt and she is projecting that onto her daughter. Of course the girls will miss each other, but they could be moved into different classes next year and it would have the same effect.

All you can do in life is do what you think is best for you and your family.
True friends support you in that and are happy for you.

And as a good parent she should be teaching her dd about how to accept and embrace change, and how to maintain a good friendship even if you don't see each other every day.
But as this is clearly something she can't manage with her own friendships, I guess she has no chance of teaching it to her dd does she!

Sadly I think you're better off without her as a friend. She definitely has issues.

LOL alicet

Your friend sounds very unstable. What shame she couldn't be more supportive of your move. It must be very upsetting for you, but you have done NOTHING wrong.

I have been in the same position as you. I have a friend with two children the same age (6 and 3 in our case) and the boys are best friends and the girls are best friends because they have been thrown together since being babies. At one point my friend was thinking about moving abroad. I never once said anything beyond wishing her all the best. And yes I would have had to deal with some fall out from my children but they would have coped.

I agree with SA that it sounds like your friend is very jealous of your move. What a shame that she is taking it so badly and making a complete drama out of it all. Does she have other close friends in the area?

I became very close friends with one of the other mums in my ante-natal group and our girls pretty much grew up together for their first 2.5 years. Then we moved away - not a great distance as the crow flies, but a different area of London which has made it much more difficult to get together as frequently. But we have made big efforts to see each other as much as possible and remain friends, although we are probably not as close as we were unfortunately. But our girls, despite the fact that they probably only see each other every 6 weeks or so, still describe each other as 'my best friend'. Even since starting school, where my DD is extremely happy and has many friends, this other little girl is still her 'best friend'.

So it can be done and your daughters don't need to lose out on friendship just because they are at different schools - particularly as you will only be a mile up the road. Unfortunately it would appear that your friend doesn't even want to try this.

Am very for you and your family but I don't think there is anything else you can do. Perhaps she will see sense once you have moved and realises it isn't the end of the world.

There is no way you're being selfish.

Your friend is behaving like an infant.

Make your move, do what's best for you and your family. If she's a real friend, she will support you in whatever you choose to do.

Don't let her make you feel guilty for living your life the way you want to, for pity's sake.

I am amazed. I thought it was only parents and PIL that did this kind of guilt trip thing.

How is it your fault that her dd is upset? Do you really think you should be making life changing decisions based on every friend your daughter has?! I think not!

Her child is not your responsibility!!

Stop being so hard on yourself.

only read OP

She's been fucking selfish

if she can't support you, sod her

YANBU - firstly!

I think it's entirely possible that her dd is upset and having nightmares (not helped, perhaps, by her mother's attitude). My dd was very upset when her friend moved to Australia and when another friend left school. She would wake up crying and have periods of being upset over some months. Finally seems to have settled down.

Possibly your friend is experiencing this, can't deal with it and is taking it out on you? Or perhaps she has quite a rigid way of thinking and was expecting you and her and all the kids to jog along together all through primary school and now can't get her head around the change.

she sounds a right bunny boiler to me...

Your "friend's" response to a perfectly normal event is completely irrational. TBH, I'd be glad to get away from that.

I know she does not find it as easy as i do to make friends, i have a number of what i would consider 'good' friends and manage to keep in contact with them all. I'm not the sort of person who disregards a friend once they have moved away and she knows i keep in contact with my own friends and make sure my DC see their other non-school friends regularly, so i don't know why she thinks i would be any different with her

I can't help the fact that she has not formed other srtong friendships as i have, i believe that she is the type of person who only has a few very close friends who she relys on (as some people are so this is not in any way a criticism of her or anyone) I just enjoys lots of company and find it wasy to make friends i guess

Angharadgoldenhand I think you are completely right, that this is the only way she can deal with it

I guess if thats what it takes for her t deal with it thats what it takes, after all she is doing what she beleives is right to protect her DD from being hurt

which is at the end of the day what any other us would do, no one wants to see their much loved child hurting do they? - maybe cutting us out is the only way she can cope and move on

I hadn't really thought of it like that, thank you for helping me see it like that Angharadgoldenhand

that last post was a bit babbled sorry