I don't know if i am i need some advice really - my friend has basically just told me she can't be my friend anymore [VERY LONG]

[sparklesandwine]

If i'm posting in the wrong place feel free to tell me, but i just don't know what to do I feel very sad

About 6 months ago we decided to put our house on the market and move, all of our friends knew we were going to move and we're happy for us

We were going to stay in the same town but after very long discussions DP and I decided that we wanted to move to the village up the road (about a mile away) the school is better (we've never been particuarly happy with the school our DC are at) and we also wanted to move into a village for a bit more community/village life hopefully better for our kids and with it only being a mile from where we are now it is still close enough for us to get together with our friends and DC's friends regularly

However, over the last few months my closest friend here has not accepted the fact that we want to move very well and has gone through periods of not talking to me. She feels very upset with me for moving as our DD's (who are 5 and at school together in the same class) are best friends and also our DS's are best friends (they are 3 and not yet at school but at pre-school) she says she doesn't understand why we want to move and change things, i've tried to explain and then we've talked it through and things have been ok again, not 100% but ok

We finally sold our house last week and my friend has taken to not talking to me again, she has made it very obvious that i make her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to talk to me so after our previous discussion a month or 2 ago, I said to her after a playgroup today (probably not the best place in hindsight i know but i just needed to say something) I said to her that i know she doesn't want to talk to me etc so i'll find another playgroup to go to make her feel less uncomfortable as i'm the one moving and she's the one staying in the town

She then basically told me that she wished we'd never become friends, i've used her and am now casting her aside and that i have hurt her and her DC so much that she will never be able to forgive me. She said that her DD is very hurt and upset, keeps crying and having nightmares about us moving. I don't know what to do, I (maybe naively) never thought that our moving would have this effect on anyone. I'm comfortable with our decision to move as we both feel that it is the right thing for our family. She has told me that she will let our children keep seeing each other after school a few times a month and in the hols when we move but she doesn't want to do anymore while we're still living here to strenghthen their friendship (there were other things said but thats about the short long! of it!)

I have tried to understand her feelings and reassure her that i will continue to be her friend and that i will do all i can to keep the DC friends, although i know their (our DD's) friendship will change they can still remain close friends i hope, she has said that this isn't good enough and that i have underestimated their friendship and that they are together 6 hours a day 5 days a week and have been very close for 4 years and that i'm being extremely selfish by upsetting my and her childrens happiness. Basically saying that i haven't thought about my kids in this move only about myself and that even if the school isn't very good i should swallow it and keep them here because our DC have good friends.

Yes i am being selfish in that i want to move to a bigger house, a better school and a nice village hopefully making our family's quaility of life better. I know these things aren't the be all and end all of life but DP and I both feel this is right for us. I have moved around a lot as a child and know that other friendships will be formed by all children concerned after a while, but I'm just lost as to what to think or say to her now. She has made it clear that she will say hello to me etc at the school gates but thats it now, no more get togethers for coffee, family parties, meals out etc

I think thats it and that i'm just going to leave it now and not talk to her much as she has asked me to. I don't want to force the friendship if its not there now on her part, but i'm just confussed myself really at how this has all turned out like this and wondered if anyone thinks what we are doing is very wrong and selfish on the part of out childrens friendships, or if anyone else has experienced this before

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you have managed too!

Please say what you honestly think about it/me for doing what i'm doing. I never wanted to hurt her or her family and feel so bad about it i don't know what to do now

apologies about spellings... in a hurry

Only read the OP, but imagine I'm repeating if I say that she is jealous, childish and a little pathetic!

Sorry, saying the same as everyone else, but she is NUTS. Majorly manipulative (using DDs' relationship to control you), and clear 'dependency issues'.

You have had a really lucky escape. PLEASE PLEASE don't bother making any effort with this woman (or, I'm afraid, her children).

Difficulty is what do you say to mutual friends? I've always been a believer in saying as little as possible, as otherwise you sound like a ranting maniac (save that for your DH), but it can be difficult if she decides to bad-mouth you.

Hope things work out. Please keep us all posted.

she is nuts. it's not a technical term but fits very well in this case.

obviously a very wounded person with huge issues around abandonment and please stop putting this on you. it is horrible for you that your life choices are being used as a stick to beat you up with by your so-called friend.

you are not being selfish in the least. you are (quite rightly) looking after the interests of your family.

On a roll - I am the one ranting now, but what on earth has she said to her DD so that she is crying & taking it so badly?! She has obviously painted some doom & gloom scenario, rather than explaining it in a positive mummy way.
I am soooo cross that she is manipulating her dd in order to get at you.

You are moving a mile away, FFS whats that a 10 minute walk? Very weird behaviour, think i would be moving more than a mile away from her to be honest.

She sounds completely barking. And TBH I think you may well be best out of it -- sooner or later, if you hadn't moved, some member of your family would have done something that in her eyes traumatised one of her DCs and she would have blown up like this then.

You are moving one mile. A mile can easily be walked in 20 minutes or driven in a couple of minutes. You are not emigrating to Australia.

She just sounds a bit daft ... needy and control-freaky.

What about if you/your partner were in the forces or something and were stationed overseas?

What if you had a work project that took you out of the country for a while?

A true friend would support you and should be saying, 'I'll really miss you, but what can I do to help you move ... "

LOL @ some of the responses

Thank you all MN really is the voice of reason

She is being really really stupid. Really stupid.

Stupid.

Think this is unanimous! So logically even though the carefully considered move is right for you and your family you have to put her and her childrens' feelings first? How very odd. Her behaviour is really embarrassing (for her).

Donnylass My dad was in the RAF and i grew up moving all the time which is why I KNOW it will be ok, but i was just beginning to doubt myself really

To all who have called manipulative I think that now taking a step back there is an element of that HOWEVER i don't think she is doing it consciously just as some of you have said that there may be some under-lying 'issoooes' that i don't know about

auntyspan My DD is comfortable with moving as is my older DS1 (9) they accept change and are looking forward to it, obviously sad to leave some friends but they know they will see them still.

I asked my DD the following questions on the way home today:

if she was looking forward to moving - she said Yes

If she would miss her friends - She said yes

If this made her Sad - She said No because she would make new friends and still see her other friends

If she wanted to move - She said Yes

What she thought would be the best thing about going to a new school - She said making new friends and learning new things

I also asked if her friend had said anything to her about moving - She said the her friend had said that she would be sad to see her go, I asked when she said this and she said ages ago (which could mean 2 days with DD but...) I asked how that made her feel and she said it was OK they had a cuddle and carried on playing!!

I kept thinking i must be 'missing' something with this and that i was wrong, I don't normally let people get to me but this has been making me feel down for months actually but i've avoided posting about it as i thought 'it would be ok in the end' but it isn't

I know me and my family will be ok i just can't understand what i've done that is clearly so wrong towards her, but it seems none of you can see it either which makes me feel slightly better but i just thought that when you found a 'good' friend things like moving wouldn't matter - and with my other 'good' friends it doesn't

My very bestest mate lives in Italy soon to be moving to Canada, we only see each other a few times a year but it doesn't matter were still best mates! and my other best mate lives near london he's crap at phoning and sometimes we don't speak for months but i know he's always there and vice versa - having had these 2 as my best mates for so many years i just assumed most people were like this i guess, i've never encountered anything like the experience i'm having before and it has seriously un-settled me

I think happynappies is onto something.
At one point you were both equal. If she looks up to you, then having the same as you (similar house, same village, same school) validates her life choices.
Now you are in her view 'rejecting' these choices by moving to a better house, better village, better school.
So she now feels her life choices are no longer right, and she feels inadequate.

Feelings such as these stem from an extreme inferiority complex.

So it is not her fault she feels this way. Of course it is not yours either.
But I think she cannot help it, and she is in a bad place mentally at the moment but cannot see it.

jealous, she has to realise people move on, she could have explained it better to her dd. everything from her dd is from her. you have enough on your plate f* her, good riddance.

Crikey, we moved 250 miles away from very close friends and lots of family, but they still speak to us!

We moved 6 ish years ago when DS1 was 7 from Somerset to London. Had to be done, DH was travelling to and from London every week and we weren't having much of a family life.

My closest friend was understandably upset that I was moving but she is still my closest friend.

In defence of the loopy womans daughter, DS's best friend really did get very upset about DS moving away and had sleepless nights and cried a lot He understood why we were moving, but felt he would miss DS so much...bless him. They are still great friends at 14 yrs old and see each other on a regular basis (we now live in Hants so are nearer too) That is because his mum and I (she is a good friend of mine) made an effort to keep in touch.

But your friend is being totally unreasonable about your move!! A mile is nothing! You need to do what is right for your family no matter how it affects other people. Blimey if we considered other people in everything we did we'd never do anything at all!

I have friends in loads of different places as does DH and DS1 and even DS's 2 and 3 have friends in London and Somerset and they are only 3 and 5.

She may well be a bit jealous but if she is a real friend she would push that jealousy to one side and be happy for you.

I'm sure you will be very happy in your new home and your children sound as though they will sttle very well in thier new school.

And you hit the nail on the head when you say your friend near London doesn't call etc very often, but you are still good friends. Good friends will still be there wherever you live and however many times you see/call them. One of my closest friends hasn't lived anywhere near me since we were 17, but she is still a fab friend (she did live about 10 miles away from where we are now, but she moved back to Somerset just before we moved here ...maybe she was trying to tell me something )

What I meAN IS, IS THERE A LOVELY VILLAGE WITH FAB SCHOOL CONSIDERABLY further (sorry..) away than a mile ?

...cos that's where I'd be heading, faced with such outrageous needy tantrummy behaviour.

How sad she has reacted this way ,all down to that green eyed monster !!! I am sure she will regret her behaviour you have to ask yourself do you need friends like that .Hope your move goes well

Have you thought about sending her a letter explaining your feelings or better still how do you think she would take it if you printed this thread and sent it to her? It sounds as though you may be about to fall out anyway but if you show her this she may realise how silly she is being

I'm not having a go about her reactions because how she feels inside is how she feels inside i can't even though i've tried change that, unless i stay put which would then make me weak and unhappy!

I have no idea how she has explained things to her DD really as all she has said is that she is trying to prepare her DD for when we go, that one day DD will be there the next she won't type of thing though i think. I have asked her if she her DD can come round next week so that i can try to explain to her DD myself what we are doing and to try and reassure her DD that we won't forget them - I love DD and want to explain to her - but she just said 'maybe we'll see'

as i said before i'm not flaming her for her feelings I just wanted to try and understand them and thanks to you all I think I may have another way of viewing it

I had already thought of the aspect that she now thinks we're being snobby or something by moving to a so-called 'better' village etc but I have never made it a secret that i'm not happy with the schooling and that we have wanted to move, i suppose that she just thought that as we were happy friendship wise we wouldn't end up doing it. Granted we did originally think of moving alot further south but it just wasn't feasable in the end - god knows what would have happened then!!

I really just hope that things will be 'ok' between us for the sake of the kids and that their friendship will continue

Poor you
you are not being selfish at all, she is and I can't believe she has made this time so stressful for you. That's not what friends do.

Her children will find new friends. I doubt she will find new friends as easily as she sounds very needy and inconsiderate. I expect that is her concern, again selfish on her part.

I think it is good that you are moving away from her.

Congratulations on the new house. Look ahead.

Don't worry about what she might or might not have said to her dcs about your move, they are only little and will survive.

You are not moving that far away.

notalone i don't advertise the fact that i mn and don't think she would take kindly to the thread, she may think i'm being nasty

i'm not being nasty am i???

I'm not one for airing my dirty laundry in public so to speak (only on a chat forum ) and i have only spoken about this to my very close friend, so as far as i am aware none of our mutual friends even realise what is happening. Although if anyone does read this who i know i'm sure it would be obvious and then i'd be mortified and probably have to leave the area anyway - I just needed to talk and get advice without involving anyone in rl as that wouldn't be fair to put any of this on a mutual friend

I'm not malicious and don't want to make anything out of it at school and i don't think she will either, i think she will just carry on with her everyday stuff with the occasional smile or nod to me now and thats it, which is fine, i wish her well and hope that she confirms other friendships more, as i know i will

Supposing you pandered to her wishes and pulled out of your house sale? How would you feel a few months down the line when you were still unhappy with the school, still needing more house-room and...OH! quelle surprise... you're no longer friends with her much anyway? To be honest, I can't see much of a way forward with this 'friendship' whatever you do. She's behaved in too extreme a manner for you ever to re-capture what you had. Move on.... literally.