It’s a bit shit when you are forever single and childless….

AllAloneInThisHouse · 2022-09-20T18:33:07+00:00

Just having a little moan really, it’s not that deep. But I’ve been thinking today how much time, effort, money (seriously the money!) I’ve spend on other people’s hen do’s, weddings, kids, gifts and countless hours listening about their dating lives or partners and kids and never is has it been reciprocated.

Dacadactyl · 20/09/2022 19:35

There are pros and cons in every situation OP. I am lucky in some ways, but in other ways you will be luckier than me.

SpinningFloppa · 20/09/2022 19:36

Thought single childless people were said to be the happiest?

HighlandPony · 20/09/2022 19:37

It’s not like it can be reciprocated if you’re not doing any of those things. I’m sure if you had kids or a hen do or a wedding they would spend money on yours. I’m sure if you had a partner or a diabolical date they’d be up for listening about it.

sunflowerandivy · 20/09/2022 19:38

Don't you talk about your wonderful single childfree life?

sunflowerandivy · 20/09/2022 19:40

Also, my best friend is single and childless and she's spent so much money in my wedding, hen do, kids etc so when I had enough money I took her out to a fancy restaurant (actually 2 in one day)

Spicycurry · 20/09/2022 19:41

SpinningFloppa · 20/09/2022 19:36

Thought single childless people were said to be the happiest?

If you choose not to have children, yes.

if you want them and can’t have them, or circumstances just don’t allow it, it is impossibly painful. You are right OP, and I hope the thread doesn’t fill up with insensitive comments.

MrsMarlowe · 20/09/2022 19:41

Yup. I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times. So much time, energy and expense. I don’t begrudge it, I loved being a bridesmaid and being there for my pals.
But last week I bought my first home, and none of those friends has offered a helping hand or shown the least bit of excitement for me. They’re all very busy now with their babies and toddlers.

I know they have to prioritise their kids. But it still sucks. yanbu.

EmpressaurusWitchDoesntBurn · 20/09/2022 19:42

My friends & family listen to me as much as I listen to them.

I’m also really, really thankful not to have a partner & kids, so as far as I’m concerned that balances everything out!

ClocksGoingBackwards · 20/09/2022 19:44

How do you expect people to reciprocate if you haven’t had a hen night or a wedding or a child? Or even had any dates for them to listen to you talk about?

Bubblebubblebah · 20/09/2022 19:45

MrsMarlowe · 20/09/2022 19:41

Yup. I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times. So much time, energy and expense. I don’t begrudge it, I loved being a bridesmaid and being there for my pals.
But last week I bought my first home, and none of those friends has offered a helping hand or shown the least bit of excitement for me. They’re all very busy now with their babies and toddlers.

I know they have to prioritise their kids. But it still sucks. yanbu.

Aw!

Congrats! I am sure it is a lovely home (or eill be!)

thesurrealist · 20/09/2022 19:45

Depends on whether it is by choice. I'm happy to be childless, but at the age of 48 and having been single on and off since my divorce over a decade ago, I'd like to be with someone now - but it doesn't seem likely and that does make me sad.

I too have spent a of time, effort and money on listening to people talk about kids and partners, weddings other stuff and yet no one even remembers my birthday. I, expected to buy for family children for Christmas but they never say thanks or even give me a card.

Then I get the endless comments and patronising.

Yeah, it's shit.

AmeliaLila · 20/09/2022 19:46

Sorry to hear. My sister struggles with childlessness. However she is the most bright funny and sparkly person ever. I’m like an exhausted bedraggled frump next to her. She is still not happy but I wish she could see what she brings to everyone around her.

RoachTheHorse · 20/09/2022 19:47

I have a friend who is single and childless. She threw herself a massive birthday party after being in a similar situation. I was so disappointed in our joint friends who made minimal effort. I bought her a gift, commissioned a cake, and made a huge fuss.

When she bought her house I helped move, stayed in for a big deliveries for her while I was in mat leave etc.

I'm sorry your friends don't give back.

Moveonswiftlyplease · 20/09/2022 19:48

Do you not talk about other things? Do they not listen to you talking about your life? You talk about yours. They talk about theirs. Does it matter that the details aren't exactly the same?

Are you sure you are the one spending the most money on maintaining the friendships? I spend quite a lot of money on meeting my friends who don't yet have children for nights out drinking. I would rather not spend the money on such nights now as I need it for my children and no longer have the energy to be out partying until the early hours but I do because that is what my friends who don't have children yet want to do. I'd rather we were watching a film in one of our houses, sharing a bottle of wine and having a chat but they want to be out meeting people and having a good time. Swings and roundabouts.

wonderfulwonderer · 20/09/2022 19:50

MrsMarlowe · 20/09/2022 19:41

Yup. I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times. So much time, energy and expense. I don’t begrudge it, I loved being a bridesmaid and being there for my pals.
But last week I bought my first home, and none of those friends has offered a helping hand or shown the least bit of excitement for me. They’re all very busy now with their babies and toddlers.

I know they have to prioritise their kids. But it still sucks. yanbu.

You should tell them ! I think it's very important that you do. It's not fair at all and they should make more of a fuss for you. Have a housewarming party ? If they don't make the effort, say something. Getting your own home is a huge achievement and should be celebrated in the same way as weddings, kids etc ! ! You deserve this.

Congratulations ! You sound like a wonderful friend. I would support you !

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/09/2022 19:50

On the upside: if you’re frequently having to listen to them offload about problems with boyfriends and husbands and how tough parenting is then, even if being single and without children isn’t the life you want, at least you aren’t actually living one of their lives, which sound objectively worse. Hopefully when the time comes for you to find somebody to settle down with, you’ll have a much better relationship.

Cornettoninja · 20/09/2022 19:51

It sucks but I think it’s probably the best idea to create your own milestones and celebrate them if you feel like your missing out.

or you can just throw parties/dinner parties/get together for the hell of it.

Clockwatching54321 · 20/09/2022 20:02

I have kids and married but can completely see that people don’t celebrate your milestones in the same way. It sucks that your friends can’t see this, I’m sorry.

Maybe on your next promotion or birthday make a bigger fuss for them to help celebrate? It’s the only thing i can think to help as they aren’t going to do this on their accord.

You pay so much for the traditional milestones set by society, but then nothing is reciprocated.

NannyGythaOgg · 20/09/2022 20:13

Not quite the same but I have been divorced for many years.

I still want my family to recognise the 50th anniversary (in 4 years) of my wedding. I've paid into 4 so far and there are 2 more to come - I want mine too. (Half joking)

Ccoffee · 20/09/2022 20:21

I thought this in my 30s, when it was an endless round of wedding gifts, baby gifts etc, that it would have been nice if people had thought to make a particular effort on my birthday in return as I was (still am) long term single.

I'm in my 50s now and have come to accept that hoping for particular behaviour from anyone just leads to disappointment, most people are too tied up in their own lives to think too hard about what others might be feeling.

I hope anyone reading this thread though now gives a thought to their long term single friends and how they might need a little extra boost now and again.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 20/09/2022 20:24

It sounds shit.

Organise a made up event and send out your gift list.

mycatisannoying · 20/09/2022 20:25

The grass is always greener, OP. That's all I'm saying

Original poster

AllAloneInThisHouse · 20/09/2022 21:27

SpinningFloppa · 20/09/2022 19:36

Thought single childless people were said to be the happiest?

Some are, some are not.
No reason to be snarky.

It’s not by choice for me.

@RoachTheHorse
You sound like a lovely friend!

For thise who said how can they celebrate or talk aboit things if I don’t have those things, I just meant that things aren’t balanced.
It’s the accepted miles stones that are important and it has become pretty clear my life is seen as less than.

Also, the grass being greener honestly doesn’t really help much.
Arguments about chores really doesn’t seem like a big deal after years of loniliness.
And then being told I’m ”lucky” to be single.
Just wanted to feel little crappy for a minute, I’ll sleep on it and tomorrow is new day.

OP posts:

Delectable · 20/09/2022 21:32

You're not being unreasonable OP.
I didn't get married till I was 41. By that time most close friends had a husband children so there were bridal showers, baby showers, dedications, children's birthdays etc. This is a period that showed friends who pay attention and are thoughtful. My single friends experienced some friends no longer send invites once they have their second child, others still did and some in the midst of demands on their time still try to give time and support with their husband also trying to provide friendship.
I remember a single friend and a married friend with 3 kids had brought the same present at a 3yrs old's party and she said her's should be valued more as her invite was for just her and the other friend had come with 3 additional mouths. We all laughed it off but I knew where she was coming from.

Bubblebubblebah · 20/09/2022 21:36

I think you can totally feel crappy about this. It is crap!
Similar happens even if you are in couple but everyone around has kids. Though it is made easier by having the partner.

I hope it gets better for you. I know it's sad and hard but maybe it's time to start looking at where you could meet new people to create friendships with. This will not change until kids are adults and out