It’s a bit shit when you are forever single and childless….

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

Just having a little moan really, it’s not that deep.

But I’ve been thinking today how much time, effort, money (seriously the money!) I’ve spend on other people’s hen do’s, weddings, kids, gifts and countless hours listening about their dating lives or partners and kids and never is has it been reciprocated.

YANBU OP

and I can't stand the posts going "well if you're not doing those things, how are they meant to reciprocate?"....as if marriage and babies are the only things/achievements/milestones that women can possibly celebrate. We should all want to elevate and celebrate our friends and thanks for the reminder that we shouldn't forget about those who aren't necessarily celebrating the more "traditional" milestones.

I think it's absolutely great 🙂

The only thing that pisses me off is spending a fortune on my 3 nibblings birthdays and Christmas - and not getting so much as a bottle of cheap wine off their parents, who have way more money than me.
I still prefer my life though because I do have more choices and freedom.

I know exactly how you feel OP as I'm sadly childless for various reasons and also single at present.
However my best mates are very good and helped me celebrate my 46th birthday in style with some thoughtful presents.. I see them (and some of their children) regularly and I have a cute godson who's 4.
I know for me the best thing for my health & any potential baby's health is to not have a child but it has been a very painful decision.

YANBU, it’s shit and people can be so patronising.

I was like you for many years, always expected to visit, fork out for hen do/weddings/kids parties/baby showers. The worst is, I was kind of expected to buy presents from me to mum & dad and each DC, while receiving “from all of us” in return. Then have to listen to them complain how expensive it all is 🙄.

I don’t give to receive but it used to really bug me! I only buy for close family now.

Aw, thanks @Bubblebubblebah @wonderfulwonderer 🤗 Good idea pI will do a house warming when I can, it’s still pretty empty at the moment though! x

My friend is 40, never been in a relationship and so therefore no marriage or kids.
It is hard because I don't want to be patronising but hard to know what to say. I get it can be hard when she's forever buying baby gifts, wedding presents and what not.

The worst is, I was kind of expected to buy presents from me to mum & dad and each DC, while receiving “from all of us” in return.

Yes, that. I often do joint presents to couples, for Christmas at least..

I don’t know your/her situation, but if she brings it up, just acknowledge what she is saying.
Just that alone can help a lot.
I don’t think there is or has to be answers.
And the whole relationships can be shitty is pretty horrible thing to say, that doesn’t help at all.
Or if there is a thing you both like doing for example, invite her to do that - to get her mind off things…

Same boat as you I don't have or want children I like the simple life but I find it unfair that I need to get presents for bday /Xmas / christening the parents don't get me a gift for my bday or Xmas but I spend around £70 a year on each of there children

I agree parents whose children are receiving gifts should definitely make the effort to return the kind gesture.

I always buy my cousin and her 2 dogs a thoughtful Christmas gift.

Single, childfree women are the happiest group. Childless isn’t the same.

OP doesn’t have a wonderful single childfree life, she is childless, not childfree. It’s a completely different situation to people who are childfree.

This is a symptom of feeling down about your own life because if you were feeling more positive these things might not bother you as much.
Remind yourself to only spend what you want, both in terms of time and money on other people. I know it can be difficult if there is some sort of tradition like weddings and Christmas, but at the end of the day society is made up of individual choices, if they don't work for you, then don't go along with them.

Things that are not marriage and babies that absolutely can be celebrated/fussed over:

• birthdays (especially "round" ones 😁)
• promotions in work or new jobs, career changes
• achievements in hobbies (first marathon, belts in karate or whatever, grades in music)
• Progression in business - I think celebrated my friend hiring her first ever proper full on actual employee more than I did her first baby!
• new homes or home relocations, improvements, building works, extensions etc
• achievements in health - surgeries, quitting smoking
• things they do in the community - supporting their fundraiser or volunteering for whatever charity or local community

There's loads of stuff.

I have ONE friend who has always been the same friend to me the whole time. When she met her boyfriend, when she married him, when she had her first child.... she has always been the same friend to me and I am so grateful and love her even more for it.

There was a thread recently - the poster had achieved something, not sure what and had tried to organise some sort of celebration but her friends didn’t show much interest and made excuses not to come (childcare etc).IIRC she didn’t get much sympathy in the responses.

I know what you mean, OP. I worked for 16 years in the same department (child free and unwed) and put I don't know how much into wedding and baby collections. I then took 3 months unpaid leave to study for a university access course. My colleagues had a whip round and bought a load of files and study stuff for me. I was really touched that they recognised this was my big life event.

(I did actually then go on to have two children under 2 soon after, but they weren't to know that at the time 😀.)

Exactly. it's all well and good saying "make different individual choices" per a pp, but if nobody around you is prepared to support or celebrate your milestones because they're not marriage/child-related that leaves you in the same shitty place.

Why would someone need their mind taken off being child free and single though @AllAloneInThisHouse ?
Maybe the lady in question doesn't mind being single with no kids and just doesn't like the idea of paying out for everyone else's children and weddings etc

My workplace always publicly marks new baby and wedding milestones. No other personal milestones are worth celebrating apparently. If you're single and childless your life is pointless it seems.

So for those who can't have children, they get to participate in celebrating other people's new babies on a very regular basis at work where they can't escape if it's distressing despite being pleased for the other person... But nothing in their life is ever considered enough of a milestone to mark.

Who wants to be regularly sent photos of the new baby of some colleague they've never even met?

That sucks. There should be more options really. All the talk about being inclusive of all different people in companies... Not much consideration given, is it. And then there is Christmas leave....

It’s utterly shite. I’ve got no kids, no parents and no siblings left, and no spouse although after 12 years single I do now have a non-resident boyfriend for the past year or so. For my 50th I organised a dinner at my house where extended family came - when my boyfriend asked what I wanted as a present I asked for a birthday cake as when I’ve previously hosted nobody has ever bothered and it upset me to buy my own. He was incredulous that I’d not had a cake for all that time.

On the day we celebrated my birthday for a grand total of 4 minutes and then it went back to kids achievements, upcoming relatives wedding etc. I’m not a selfish person but just for once, after spending money on nice food, decent drink, and cooking, it would have been a day just for me.

I’m totally with @SecretVictoria - I hate having to buy for three or four kids in a family and getting a shitty Yankee Candle back “from all of us”. My friends have 12 kids between the three of them; Christmas leaves me skint and usually alone.

YANBU.

An old friend of mine (we're not close anymore) is 34 and single, hasn't had kids, never had a serious relationship. She'd love both. When she's tipsy she talks about how difficult it is and I genuinely would struggle in her position so much. She feels like at this point she's terminally single and that it just won't ever happen for her, all the while watching every single friend around her either settle down into longterm cohabiting relationships, get married, or have kids. She feels so, so lonely and the odd one out.

Your friends sound shit though. I'm married with a kid but I've always celebrate my close friends and their life events regardless of what they are. Weddings and baby showers are lovely but it's also exciting when someone graduates, gets a new job, buys a home, achieves something in their hobby, and those things are all celebrated too. It's just not fair if you're always paying to celebrate people's marriages and kids but friends aren't celebrating the big moments in your life either. Do you tell them about stuff and how much it means to you?

I'm 35 and been single for years now, and know exactly what you mean. I don't want kids and making that decision has been a bit of a relief as I don't have to rush to find someone.
I think people go a bit OTT with always talking about their children or showing me pictures of them. It's nice seeing pics of newborns or special occasions etc, but people show me these mundane pictures of their kids doing stuff and expect me to be as excited as them. And they don't seem interested in asking me anything about my life or listening to what I've been up to.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I've been single for a long time and have no children, not through choice. I have supported friends and celebrated so many weddings, births, engagements, children's birthdays over the years and it's so hard when you don't have any of those things and just feel lonely. I feel like friends and family don't ask me much about my work or anything else, as if I have nothing else going on in my life without children or a relationship. It sometimes feels like I'm always on the outside watching everyone else experience all the things you would have liked to.