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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To request ex does not invite gf to mine?

91 replies

Nathleia · 20/09/2022 16:44

Ex-husband and I have been separated for over 6 years, cannot afford a divorce at this time. He's been in a relationship with a very nice lady for over two years, they don't live together, I am single by choice. Due to severe anxiety, I may be overthinking this whole thing:
I have an issue and my family doesn't think it's important.
We co-parent our 2 DD and every other weekend is spent with each parent.
I don't drive yet so their dad brings them to mine.
Recently, he's started bring his gf with him to drop them off, she has since become quite comfortable with accompanying him more frequently. Admittedly, she has remained in the car while he brings the girls bags in, but I have taken to remaining in the house so I don't have to see her when this happens.
The first time, he brought her (without asking me if it was okay), I was too shocked to say anything, I am very uncomfortable with this level of familiarity, especially as I would never invite anyone I was seeing to his house without his permission, but I don't want him bringing her to my place. The other weekend, she got a new car and, with my ex, drove over to mine to show my kids her new car, on my weekend! I think this is inappropriate and I asked my family for advice on how to stop him doing this.
Their reaction was concern about the ex's reaction and if I can just put up with it because I cannot reasonably stop him.

OP posts:

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 20/09/2022 16:48

They should have asked if they could show the kids the car. Other than that I don't think you can reasonably police who's in the car when he's doing drop offs to facilitate you.

You know what your relationship is like with him. He might be happy to further accommodate you, he might agree to a compromise or he might not think you're being fair.

spanieleyes · 20/09/2022 16:48

I really don't think you can complain about someone staying in the car when dropping the children off, it's not as if she is interacting with you in any way( although after 2 years I would have thought a polite hello was possible). As to coming over on your weekend, you could conceivably object to that but , as long as it wasn't a regular occurrence, it wouldn't bother me!

StripeyDeckchair · 20/09/2022 16:49

YANBU about them disturbing hour weekend with your children and you should tell him that you do not expect it to happen again.

YABU re gf collecting/dropping off your children. They are a couple, she is now part of ExH life and consequently your children's lives. Be grateful she carrd & wants to spend time with them.

pinkyredrose · 20/09/2022 16:51

If she's sat in her car on the road what's the problem? He hasn't invited her to your house, you're being ridiculous.

Cactuslove · 20/09/2022 16:52

You're within your rights to not want to facilitate contact with the kids dad and gf on 'your' days. Though personally this wouldn't bother me hugely- it's a one off (or hopefully it is). If its an issue for you, just text and say you really value your time with the kids and would prefer it's not interrupted or for them to contact you first.

Him driving to drop the kids to ypu with a passenger in the car is none of your business really. Not to sound harsh.

The two issues are different I think. Can you put into words why it's bothering you so much? You say she's very nice so is it your anxiety making you stay in the house? Sharing kids has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feel for you.

DenholmElliot1 · 20/09/2022 16:54

YABU - i've heard it all now, ex wife of 6 years doesn't want dads new girlfriend to sit in his car FFS.

It's probably about time you learnt to drive.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 20/09/2022 16:57

I'd much rather ex was in a relationship with someone who

My son liked
Made an effort with my son
Someone constant rather than a different one every few months.

They've been together 2 years, it appears she's here to stay. If the children like her and you think she's ok to be around your children then I'd just suck it up to be honest.

At a push you can object to get coming over on your weekend but I guess that depends on context. If the children had talked about it and expressed excitement at a new car and she'd said she would bring it to show them then she was trying to be nice.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 20/09/2022 16:58

YABU & ridiculous.

you've been separated 6 years.

Divorce isn't expensive, what's the real reason you're not divorced?

you've been separated SIX YEARS.

she's staying in the car not shagging him on your bed!

she wasn't the OW.

he can have who he likes in his car when he's picking up/dropping off his kids.

Hearthnhome · 20/09/2022 16:59

I get being annoyed if they turned up out of the blue on your weekend.

But, you can’t tell him who can and con not be the car at pick up/drop off.

She isn’t causing problems, she isn’t causing trouble. There’s no cause to ban her.

You could ask and explain it causes you to be anxious. But you can’t expect it. And I don’t see why he should have asked permission the first time.

Frankola · 20/09/2022 17:00

I don't think they should have been bringing the car to yours during your weekend.

BUT...I really don't think you have any right to be upset at your ex husband of 6 years having his gf sit in the car while he picks up the kids on his contact time. He doesn't actually bring her to your house. She's sat in his vehicle on a public road. How can that be affecting you so much? What if they have plans when the pick up the kids? Is he meant to drive to yours and then drive back and get her? I don't think that's fair.

girlmom21 · 20/09/2022 17:01

Stop being ridiculous. She sits outside in their car. She doesn't come on your driveway or into your house. She doesn't even get out the car.

When you learn to drive are you going to insist she's not in his front garden when you drop them off?

10HailMarys · 20/09/2022 17:02

I can't really see why it's a problem for her to be with him in the few minutes it takes for him to drop off/pick up his kids. You think his partner is 'very nice', they've been together for two years now, and presumably the kids are OK with her so why is it bad for her to sit in the passenger seat of his car!? You hid in the house so you didn't have to see her? When you've seen separated from this man for six years?!

There's no intrusion happening. It's not like she's letting herself into your house and going through your underwear drawer.

The thing about showing the kids the car doesn't sound like a big deal to me either, really. Presumably they were taking the new car for a little spin and he knew the kids would like to see it and thought he'd just say hi and show them for ten minutes. Again, she didn't come into your house or anything, and you didn't have to speak to her. Yes, it was 'your' weekend but a ten minute hello and a look at the new car with their dad isn't exactly ruining any plans, is it?

Quincythequince · 20/09/2022 17:08

She can drive her car where she wants, and sit in it, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

What would you reasonably say to suggest that this is unreasonable?

Go and pick them up yourself then if you hate it so much.

NotLactoseFree · 20/09/2022 17:09

YABU. It's really odd to me that you have an issue with her being in the car at drop off and pick up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2022 17:09

They're doing you a favour driving, is that right? I wouldn't mess with that.

1FootInTheRave · 20/09/2022 17:12

So pick them up yourself.

You're whinging despite them doing you a favour.

WestEnders · 20/09/2022 17:14

Are you still secretly holding feelings for your estranged husband?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 20/09/2022 17:16

Are you jealous of her or still want him back? What's the issue? I agree with your family, it's not important. Maybe if you learn to drive you won't have to see her as much.

LicoricePizza · 20/09/2022 17:18

What are your objections to his new partner?

Boundaries & respect for your time/home/access to kids etc are obvs different - but what is it about him being with someone new that’s concerning you so much?

Is it still painful or do you just not want to?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2022 17:19

Sure, tell him you ban her from his car and see how long it takes him to tell you he’s only doing half the journeys and you’ll have to manage the other half whether or not you can drive.

Butterfly44 · 20/09/2022 17:19

She stayed in the car, it's a non issue. Presumably she visits him and is there weekends and spends time with your kids....so why are you concerned about the drive over???

Yes, she shouldn't have come on your weekend, but actually turning it around, how nice of her to have had a thought about the kids. A good relationship with all adults is a positive one. Don't send out vibes and make it difficult for your children when you're the one with the issue.

Angelswithflirtyfaces · 20/09/2022 17:25

I got an online divorce for 300 quid. Six years separation will be no fault after 2 years.
Pay 150 each sorted.
But you dont want that do you?
Be careful your kids dont see you as being petty and picky, would you rather your kids be around a gf who is indifferent to them?
It might be you one day in a gf role? Would you like to deal with a petty ex?
Not good to use kids as pawns in a control game with ex.
If you are struggling with anxiety and letting go get some help and move on peacefully.

TwinkleChristmas · 20/09/2022 17:27

You sound petty. Grow up.
You don’t get to pick who’s in the car with him. It’s non of your business.

tonightelmowillrise · 20/09/2022 17:29

this MUST be a reverse, surely no one could be that nuts

Floweryflora · 20/09/2022 17:30

Op is there a back story here? Do you still have feelings for him? You’ve been split six years. You cannot seriously think she’s not allowed to be outside your house in the car. And a divorce at this stage is cheap, unless you’re both absolutely skint. you should be able to get it done.

is that why you mention you’re not yet divorced? Because you’re jealous and still want him back? As it’s irrelevant. It’s just admin now.

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