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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To request ex does not invite gf to mine?

91 replies

Nathleia · 20/09/2022 16:44

Ex-husband and I have been separated for over 6 years, cannot afford a divorce at this time. He's been in a relationship with a very nice lady for over two years, they don't live together, I am single by choice. Due to severe anxiety, I may be overthinking this whole thing:
I have an issue and my family doesn't think it's important.
We co-parent our 2 DD and every other weekend is spent with each parent.
I don't drive yet so their dad brings them to mine.
Recently, he's started bring his gf with him to drop them off, she has since become quite comfortable with accompanying him more frequently. Admittedly, she has remained in the car while he brings the girls bags in, but I have taken to remaining in the house so I don't have to see her when this happens.
The first time, he brought her (without asking me if it was okay), I was too shocked to say anything, I am very uncomfortable with this level of familiarity, especially as I would never invite anyone I was seeing to his house without his permission, but I don't want him bringing her to my place. The other weekend, she got a new car and, with my ex, drove over to mine to show my kids her new car, on my weekend! I think this is inappropriate and I asked my family for advice on how to stop him doing this.
Their reaction was concern about the ex's reaction and if I can just put up with it because I cannot reasonably stop him.

OP posts:

Saturdaydreamingway2355555 · 20/09/2022 17:31

YABU - DH ex wife was like this , had a profound impact on DSS. Don’t be that women, it’s ridiculous.

LuckyLil · 20/09/2022 17:33

Split for 6 years and can't afford a divorce? How much exactly does a divorce cost then? 6 years because you can't afford a divorce? Or 6 years because neither of you will do anything about it?

Smellywellyhoo · 20/09/2022 17:34

A divorce is £600- you can do it online. Bizarre.

Dotcheck · 20/09/2022 17:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2022 17:09

They're doing you a favour driving, is that right? I wouldn't mess with that.

Yep

OP- you are being wildly unreasonable

LuckyLil · 20/09/2022 17:35

.....Then of course there's the fact you're both committing adultery if you have partners while still not being divorced 😱

LuckyLil · 20/09/2022 17:37

Smellywellyhoo · 20/09/2022 17:34

A divorce is £600- you can do it online. Bizarre.

Exactly. I've heard some cop outs before but you'd find a few hundred quid between you if you really wanted to.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 20/09/2022 17:37

Sorry OP, but I think you know you’re being unreasonable.

You really need to get your divorced organised pronto and then book an appointment with a professional to tackle your anxiety issues as you’re not thinking rationally and it’s really clouding your judgement on this minor matter.

At the moment your ex is happily collecting and delivering the girls back to your home but if you start being unreasonably petty with him, he’s well within his rights to set his own boundaries and insist that you pick them up from his house at the end of the week-end. He might even decide to go for full 50/50 care including holidays.

Then what will you do?

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 20/09/2022 17:39

I don't see a problem with the girlfriend coming with your ex to pick up and drop off your girls. You've been separated for 6 years, naturally he has moved on. You should be able to demonstrate to your girls that it's normal and healthy for everyone to get along.
However, I think if either of them want to see the girls during "your" time with them, either at your home or anywhere else, then they should ask permission first.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 20/09/2022 17:39

If you don't like it wy don't you learn to drive yourself?

I think you are being beyond ridiculous.

LuckyLil · 20/09/2022 17:40

Me too. I'm still baffled at the divorce reasoning too. I bet both parties have managed to find the money it would have cost to spend on other things over the last 6 years like luxurious and holidays or things they didn't really need.

Testina · 20/09/2022 17:40

LuckyLil · 20/09/2022 17:35

.....Then of course there's the fact you're both committing adultery if you have partners while still not being divorced 😱

And would you like to explain why 😱 ??
What impact exactly do you think the (legal) adultery has? Stop being ridiculously over dramatic 🙄

Yeahrepublic · 20/09/2022 17:41

Being in the car when he collects and drops the kids is fine. It is unreasonable to have an issue with that. Plus as others have said, it's good for your children to see you're all comfortable with each other unless there's a reason not to be.

He should have called before coming over to show off the car though, or just waited until he next saw the kids.

Yeahrepublic · 20/09/2022 17:42

LuckyLil · 20/09/2022 17:35

.....Then of course there's the fact you're both committing adultery if you have partners while still not being divorced 😱

Don't be ridiculous!

lickenchugget · 20/09/2022 17:43

I can’t think of any reason you wouldn’t be ok with her being in the car, other than jealous. You can’t pretend it’s anxiety

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2022 17:45

I get how you feel about the car. She was being too familiar with the kids under your nose when you’re not included, which would be a bit jarring on your own home turf out of nowhere!

Dont say anything though, there’s no way you’ll come out of it not looking jealous. Grit your teeth and smile your way through these things, honestly.

I used to tell myself it takes a village to raise a child and the more people that care about them, the better.

JenJones5 · 20/09/2022 17:45

Is there something that you’re leaving out here OP?

Is the new woman perhaps a Siberian tiger who is likely to kill and eat your children if she gets out of her car?

Testina · 20/09/2022 17:47

You are being ridiculous objecting to her being in the car for drops off.

You’re also projecting when you say she got more comfortable with it - it’s such a non event that she won’t have been uncomfortable in the first place!

Even the way you write suggests she’s in your house! She’s in a car, outside!

On the new car… I think that was a bit off. When you have a well established pattern of contact, there’s really no need for that, it could have waited. It’s not the end of the world though, and if in 2 years of dating her it’s the only time they’ve intruded on your contact time, I’d let it go. My ex asked for an extra day when his wife was collecting a new car - they wanted to surprise the kids and take them. That’s better that they asked, but I don’t think it’s a good thing to be completely strict on contact time unless abuse means you have to be.

Let the car thing go.
Get over her being in the car with her boyfriend.
Get on with your divorce!

bbcdefg · 20/09/2022 17:47

They're picking up and dropping off and you want to rock that boat?

He isn't inviting his girlfriend to your house she's sitting in his car.

The showing the kids the car - is this the hill you want to die on?

Aubriella · 20/09/2022 17:48

Eh?! You should be counting yourself luck that they are doing both pick ups and drop offs!

She is not coming into your home, for Goodnes' sake.

SoftwareDev · 20/09/2022 17:51

OP I think you are getting a bit of a hard time on here.

In terms of the GF being in the car - so long as she stays in the car and is not entering your house then you can't really take issue with that. If she is coming in - I'd be putting a stop to that until you feel comfortable with it. Your house, your rules.

Them turning up on YOUR weekend completely unannounced to show your children a new car is, IMO, a massive overstepping of boundaries. I'd politely but firmly explain that your weekend is just that - YOUR weekend. Tell him you'd never dream of turning up at his place on his weekend and you expect the same courtesy to be extended to yourself.

namechange30455 · 20/09/2022 17:53

Apart from the new car bit, he's not "inviting" her to yours. She's sitting in the car on the road outside. While your ex is doing you a favour by always running the kids about. Like a PP said, go and pick your kids up if you're that bothered? Or stop curtain twitching so you don't know who's in the bloody car.

You say yourself she's "very nice" so what's the problem?

MrsTimRiggins · 20/09/2022 17:54

For goodness sake, don’t be daft. She’s not even getting out of the car!! By doing all drop offs and pick ups, they’re doing you a favour, don’t fuck with that.
The popping over on your weekend.. I would’ve expected a bit of notice but in and of itself, it wouldn’t be a massive issue.

Maytodecember · 20/09/2022 17:58

They were unreasonable to intrude on your weekend because of a new car.
GF staying in the car not so bad IMO. I used to have exh’s exw walk into our house if she knew gps were visiting. She’d also expect to come in if she ever picked kids up ( rare) but always left exh on the doorstep at her and bfs house.
So it could be worse!

Mommabear20 · 20/09/2022 17:59

He didn't invite her to your house, you said yourself, she stayed in the car! I think you're being a little OTT here tbh.

IncompleteSenten · 20/09/2022 18:00

Your ex of six years has started doing all the driving back and forth of your shared children with his partner of 2 years in his car, and she stays in the car during handover.

Is that correct?

The level of familiarity that you are uncomfortable with being their dad's well established partner comes in the car with them and seems to have a good relationship with them?

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