School is awful!

[anerki101]

DS has just started his second week in reception. It'd bloody awful, miserable and I hate every moment of it.

Firstly, getting up early is just dreadful. I'm not a morning person. I can set various different alarms, with different tones on different devices and I don't hear a single one. I have to rely on poor DH to wake me up. Sometimes I don't hear him and he has to flick me with water.

Before I had DS I had this problem with working FT too. The drudge of waking up at an ungodly hour five days a week. Spending all day in an environment you'd rather not be in with people you'd rather not be with. I'm terrible with routine and having commitments.

Then there's navigating the school run which is the worst kind of torture and you have to do it twice a day. Getting there early enough to find somewhere within walking distance to park or end up trudging miles in the pissing rain. All the parents seem to know each other already and stand around chatting in cliques.

DS is incredibly shy and struggle socially. He seems to get overlooked, forgotten and ignored. I worry dreadfully about him. He doesn't know how to interact with the other children. I fear he's going to get lost in the system both socially and educationally. He didn't eat his Yoghurt one day at school because he couldn't open it. My fault for sending something he couldn't open but I felt terrible he wasn't confident enough to ask one of the lunch time supervisors for help.

I can't help but feel it's wrong as a society that we inflict this on our four year old children. Dragging them out of bed when it's still dark, ignoring their natural body clock, shoving a slice of toast down their throats and sending them off into an unfamiliar environment five days a week. DS has only just turned four and can't yet wipe his own bum. I dread him doing a poo at school and prey that he at least does it towards the end of the day so he doesn't have to spend long covered in his own shit. He still has to be reminded to drink and every day so far he's come home with his water bottle still full to the rim.

It feels so wrong to send a just turned four year old into an environment where he has no help with wiping his bum and no encouragement to drink.

Before anyone starts, I don't for one minute blame the school or DS' teachers. They are brilliant. My issue is with the system itself. The society that requires us to send our children into this environment.

Yes, I know I don't have to. I could homeschool. But it's not that easy is it. Society isn't set up for parents to home school. Mostly, both parents need to work outside the home full time just to keep a roof over their heads.

Nursery was a far better environment. Ds went 15 hours a week. Enough for him to spend time with people outside rhe immediate family and enough for me to have a bit of time to get things done without him in tow. We could choose the hours best suited to us and what worked best for DS. Drinking wasn't an issue. He had help when using the toilet.

I know there was the option to defer school for a year and keep him in nursery for another year but we simply couldn't afford to do this. Also, DS was ready for school in an educational sense just not in an emotional and social sense.

The house feels empty without him too. I feel his absence in the silence.

Just musing really. It's nice to get my thoughts out.

Every day I pick him up from school he isn't himself. He's tired and emotional and has a tantrum over something minor before we've even walked through the front door. It's like he's holding himself in all day and letting it out when he's back with me.

He didn't even manage the first week at school, he caught covid on day four!

How did you cope with early morning in the baby and toddler years? Surely much worse than you have now was the norm?

It sounds like you know your child needs to be in a more nurturing environment that's better suited to them, but probably have absolutely no clue as to how to get them there.

You need to work on not putting your depressing attitude onto your son.

I do sympathise with you OP, but there are some things we just have to do, even though they're harder for us, as neurodivergent people.

For example I'm exhausted from the three day weekend and having both of my kids at home, today was going to be my respite day to be by myself for a few hours, watch tv and do whatever I wanted (I am autistic and have an autoimmune condition, also a chronic bowel condition, and arthritis too).

But my youngest (summerborn and in reception like yours) had croup last night and looked so tired first thing I knew the right call was to keep them home to have a quiet day with me. As I type this my muscles and wrists are aching. I could probably have sent DC, but it wouldn't have been the right call for them. So here I am, more tired now and still in pain. That's parenting, though, isn't it? It's what I signed up for.

There is help available. Please find a way to talk to your GP and ask your DH to help you to do so if necessary. Once you have found the strategies and routines which help you to cope you will be better-equipped to support your son so that he has a more positive experience of schooling than you did.

Good luck

Re bum wiping, I was worried about that too, but my auntie used to be a TA for a reception class and she said they don't expect them to be able to do it themselves, lots of kids can't do it and they will help them with it, especially when they're only just 4.

To be honest, so far my DS has only gone for a number 2 once he is at home anyway.

IhateHermioneGranger I completely agree with your post.

Sorry, OP but it does sound like you are thinking about yourself. We all have to get early and do school runs, work etc. It's part and parcel of
being a parent, unfortunately

Understand the difficulties with switching to early starts. My oldest has never been an early riser (and neither have I) so it was a difficult adjustment when she started school, I'd have to get her dressed while she was still sleeping as she just wouldn't wake up! I did eventually adjust, but only knowing I can sleep in at weekends.

Have you tried a vibrating watch alarm? That might work better than a normal alarm, and there's ones that track when you are in light sleep and go off then which makes it easier to wake up.

As with others I am very wary of armchair diagnosis.

However you sound exactly like my partner who is autistic. (Was formally diagnosed with aspergers syndrome back when that was a diagnosis, now high functioning autism)

He needs a certain amount of sleep at night. He wakes up when he wakes up. He's almost impossible to rouse when he hasn't had enough sleep. He hates routine being disturbed. Finds crowds unbearable, especially loud and noisy crowds like rush hour commuters and schools going in/coming out. Also hates talking to anyone on the phone, so your comment about not being able to speak to the doctor rang bells for me.

I do end up picking up a lot of the slack with these things. After an accident a work a few years back He's now physically disabled as well which doesn't help the situation.

Our 11 year old is showing certain signs of autism and her school is keeping an eye on it for me. She's just started secondary.

We had similar issues with her regarding reception. But luckily she settled in after a month or so and as it became part if her regular routine she was very happy there.

So there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. Stuck it out a few more weeks and if there's no improvement after then try and discuss with his teacher. Our primary wasn't so good on diagnosing autism but despite that made a few changes which really helped he settle in whenever her routine got changed.

They will help with bum wiping in yR.
I just can’t understand (unless child has SEN issues) why a 4 year old can’t wipe their own bum at least half decently.
Ive had 3 kids, boys and girls. Two of which were July babies so only just turned 4 and they could all wipe their bums because we worked really hard on getting that right. I do wonder if parents just do it for them as it’s easier and quicker so the child takes ages to learn.

This is definitely a you problem and your negative attitude will be rubbing off on your son. I feel sorry for your husband having to manage you and your son. If you aren’t prepared to home school you need to get your act together and prepare your son for life.

@anerki101 I think a lot of posters are spot on that you may be neurodiverse (as you accept yourself). I think it's a good plan to talk to your DH and ask him to help you start the ball rolling here by making a GP appointment. (And no, that's not weird - my DP helps me a lot with GP stuff and medical appointments.)

Meanwhile you can start to jot things down like you have done on this thread, but as more of a list. Female ASD / ADD symptoms. Trouble with routines. Not coping with noise and bustling people. Need to sleep up to 12 hours a night and great difficulty waking up.

You (both) might also speak to someone at the school about your son, and your concerns there as to whether he too may be neurodiverse.

Best of luck.

It's hard but learn to do as much as you can the night before e.g. prep bowls ready for cereal, packed lunch and uniform ready, bookbag and water bottle ready, toothbrush out. On a sunday I prep the weeks uniforms and put into baskets (or at least 3 days worth) ready with socks and pants to put on each morning.

Ban TV before school, no breakfast until they are dressed including shoes and socks (good incentive to get dressed). Use a painting apron over school uniform for while eating breakfast to avoid spillages - and have bag / lunch ready to go by the door. Set an alarm for 15 mins before you are due to leave the house to help speed up getting ready for leaving and timing when you need to leave.

For you, make sure you get some sunlight as early as you wake up, it helps reset your internal body clock (it might also help your kids!) and you feel better about waking early. every day drink your coffee on the doorstep if you can for 5 mins outside to get that sun on your face. It really works to help your body clock adjust.

I know these things sound a bit of a pain but they will make your life immeasurably easier if you can manage them.

OP did you not have to drop him at a set time for nursery? Surely this is quite similar? You must have had to get up for the day etc, if he went to nursery?

Also, OP, there are boards on here that will be better suited to your situation than AIBU.

couldn't get past 7 being an ungodly hour.

It sounds like you are not coping with fairly standard things in life. It seems a bit much to deny your child an education (as you say yourself you aren't really interested in home schooling) because you aren't a morning person.

Ok, ignore this - you say DS was a great sleeper from the get-go and would often wake up as late as 8. All I can say is: you were very, very lucky with that.

As for your rest of your posts, I'd be wary of imposing your hatred of school, and the drugery of the real world, onto him. Children are sponges, and soak up more negativity than we can imagine.

We chose the hours that best suited us so he started at 11 and went until 4 Mon, Wed and Fri. Which gave us time to wake naturally, eat breakfast at our own pace, spend time together. Dropping at nursery wasn't a problem, it didn't matter if we were a bit late. I was the only parent dropping off at that time so didn't have to worry about parking or navigating crowds. And the every other day pattern gave us a day off in between where we had no commitments or routine to stick to. It worked for us well.

OK, it sounds like you are someone who could benefit from an ASC diagnosis and some support techniques. I say this as somone who has ASC and has an autistic 5yo DS: school is for him, and not for you. The issues you raise, apart from him being shy and not always wiping his bum, are yours not his. So it's all about coping techniques.

1. GO TO BED EARLY. If you can't get up at 7, you can't go to bed at 11pm. Simple as that. Even if you lie there and listen to a podcast if you can't sleep, get your body in the habit of going to sleep earlier.
2. If you don't need to leave til 8:15, stop getting up at 7. Get up at 7:30am, so that you have less time in the morning so are less likely to stress and faff, and only have time to do what actually needs to be done.
3. Get yourself some noise cancelling headphones. They help a lot for crowds/the school run. Sony and Urbanears both do good ones.
4. Get your son some wet wipes to take to school so he can use those to clean himself a bit more easily.

I feel the same. I know a lot of people love the routine of school and dread the school holidays but I love it when the kids are off. I hate having to rush around doing the school run, I get snappy and stressed.

I just miss him so much. I didn't feel like this when he went to nursery so I can't understand why I feel like this now.

I totally and utterly get everything you have said in your post op (especially the getting up in the morning part. I am 49 and STILL struggle with this).
Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread as I have the attention span of a gnat. (I believe I have inattentive ADHD but not yet diagnosed).
I also get what you say about work and how you feel about that.
As human beings living in a civilised and organised society, many of us have little choice but to conform to this way of living, even though it can often have detrimental affects on our mental health.
My dc are older. Ds is nearly 17 and dd is 14. I have hated every single day of their school years. Primary school was a huge shock compare to the lovely, easy going pre school days that we used to share and love.
Ds had bad anxiety and awful school refusal. He was a very sensitive child and absolutely hated the structure which came with the school day and we had many, many times (especially during secondary schooling) where he would point blank refuse to go. He would say how much he hated it and as he became older he said he wanted to kill himself. It was an awful time and the school (both primary and secondary) were of no help at all. I had to go and find private counselling to help him, which really helped.
The ‘traditional’ school set up is not for everyone and there are so many children and young adults secretly suffering as a result of finding themselves day to day having to put up with and cope with a system which simply does not work for them. Obviously, the alternative is home schooling but that would not have worked for us so my poor ds had no choice but to attend a place, day in day out which he hated.
If after a while you feel that traditional schooling is not right for your ds then please do consider home schooling. I have since found many who thrive from it.
I have no real answers for you as there so few alternatives which don’t cost a fortune. But I do understand. We are not all cut from the same cloth, some of us struggle with systems and way of living which is natural to others.

It’s been a week? I think it takes a while to settle into new routines, especially such a big change if you didn’t previously have a morning nursery run.

Kids are exhausted the first week of school, so I’d move bedtime earlier for now. keep evening activities very low key.

Opening yoghurts and wiping bums does just come with time. Work on these skills at home, but he won’t be the only one.

It seems like it’s taking up a lot of your morning to get to school if you’re leaving the house at 8.15. Maybe look at your timings? Can you go later so he goes in right before 9? Maybe if he’s struggling with the busy playground you could see if a TA could take him directly to the classroom? Also could you streamline your mornings so you can get up later? If you’re just heading home afterwards I’d personally throw on some joggers and just get up and sort myself when I got home. That saves some time as I can focus on the kids and if there’s no time for tv/playing on a morning then they can be fairly speedy.

Also make sure DC has a decent drink with breakfast. At our school they get a drink with lunch (or send something in his lunch box) and then the school day ends at 3. Have a drink ready then. Unless it’s really hot or has some medical issues he will be just fine if he’s not drinking water all day.

'Our 11 year old is showing certain signs of autism and her school is keeping an eye on it for me. She's just started secondary.'

It's your job to keep an eye on it.

Not opposed to home education per se, but home education should be able what suits the needs of the CHILD best, not what is convenient for the parent. So far it's all been about how the OP doesn't like getting up before 7, how she doesn't like the walk, how she doesn't like the parents, how she doesn't like how school is set hours, how she doesn't like not having her child at home. None of these are reasons to pull a child out of school.