School is awful!

[anerki101]

DS has just started his second week in reception. It'd bloody awful, miserable and I hate every moment of it.

Firstly, getting up early is just dreadful. I'm not a morning person. I can set various different alarms, with different tones on different devices and I don't hear a single one. I have to rely on poor DH to wake me up. Sometimes I don't hear him and he has to flick me with water.

Before I had DS I had this problem with working FT too. The drudge of waking up at an ungodly hour five days a week. Spending all day in an environment you'd rather not be in with people you'd rather not be with. I'm terrible with routine and having commitments.

Then there's navigating the school run which is the worst kind of torture and you have to do it twice a day. Getting there early enough to find somewhere within walking distance to park or end up trudging miles in the pissing rain. All the parents seem to know each other already and stand around chatting in cliques.

DS is incredibly shy and struggle socially. He seems to get overlooked, forgotten and ignored. I worry dreadfully about him. He doesn't know how to interact with the other children. I fear he's going to get lost in the system both socially and educationally. He didn't eat his Yoghurt one day at school because he couldn't open it. My fault for sending something he couldn't open but I felt terrible he wasn't confident enough to ask one of the lunch time supervisors for help.

I can't help but feel it's wrong as a society that we inflict this on our four year old children. Dragging them out of bed when it's still dark, ignoring their natural body clock, shoving a slice of toast down their throats and sending them off into an unfamiliar environment five days a week. DS has only just turned four and can't yet wipe his own bum. I dread him doing a poo at school and prey that he at least does it towards the end of the day so he doesn't have to spend long covered in his own shit. He still has to be reminded to drink and every day so far he's come home with his water bottle still full to the rim.

It feels so wrong to send a just turned four year old into an environment where he has no help with wiping his bum and no encouragement to drink.

Before anyone starts, I don't for one minute blame the school or DS' teachers. They are brilliant. My issue is with the system itself. The society that requires us to send our children into this environment.

Yes, I know I don't have to. I could homeschool. But it's not that easy is it. Society isn't set up for parents to home school. Mostly, both parents need to work outside the home full time just to keep a roof over their heads.

Nursery was a far better environment. Ds went 15 hours a week. Enough for him to spend time with people outside rhe immediate family and enough for me to have a bit of time to get things done without him in tow. We could choose the hours best suited to us and what worked best for DS. Drinking wasn't an issue. He had help when using the toilet.

I know there was the option to defer school for a year and keep him in nursery for another year but we simply couldn't afford to do this. Also, DS was ready for school in an educational sense just not in an emotional and social sense.

The house feels empty without him too. I feel his absence in the silence.

Just musing really. It's nice to get my thoughts out.

Every day I pick him up from school he isn't himself. He's tired and emotional and has a tantrum over something minor before we've even walked through the front door. It's like he's holding himself in all day and letting it out when he's back with me.

He didn't even manage the first week at school, he caught covid on day four!

I think it's lazy to complain like this but also basically rule out home education as too much work when you're clearly not in a nine to five role. Your child needs a life and that takes work. Are you depressed?

amijustparanoidorjuststoned

I'm just going to tell you something. You're not paranoid or stoned, you're just incredibly patronising. In a very nice and kind way.

I haven't ruled it out. I'd homeschool tomorrow if I could. DH doesn't want to home school.

You sound so so overwhelmed, bless you. I get that I really do. As a single parent of 2 I struggle with feeling over whelmed.
But I have also learnt over the years that some of it is my own doing. Also as adults we are still responsible for our own feelings and behaviours.
I am also a very heavy sleeper who needs a lot of sleep. But not having a second parent means I have no choice but to hear my alarm and react to it. I think this is the thing that really stuck with me regarding your post.
Your not taking responsibility for waking/getting up (with due respect). What happens if your partner goes away for work, or stays with friends etc.
I'm sure there must be a way of training yourself to wake up.
Have you looked at the alarms they use for deaf people? Or checked there's no medical reason?
I've got these amazing ear plugs (Loop) I think their called. They reduce the noise down so your not over stimulated, but you can still hear.
If your child isn't drinking in school just as the teacher to remind your child. Honestly they won't see it as a big deal.
Getting into a good routine may well help you, it may well reduce down your level of anxiety.
Regardless of if you have an anxiety disorder (I do to) adhd, autism what ever. With due respect you owe it to yourself and your child to manage in the best way possible. Making family life and the transition into school for your child as easy as possible.
But saying all they I really hope things become easier for you soon.

Well I get it. I hate getting up in the morning - always have and always will. I hate the school run. I don't think the school system helps kids who are different (whether that's because of a diagnosis or just because they're quirky). I'd like my life to be different, and I recognise I have choices, but all of those choices have huge downsides. I could homeschool but I'm the higher earner (by far) so then we'd struggle to eat/heat. My husband would not be capable of homeschooling as he has ASD and ADHD and it would result in daily meltdowns. I think it's hard, and I always think the people who are angry with those of us who point out it is hard, are possibly the people who had miserable childhoods themselves, and think because they suffered it, everyone else should too.

But is your desire to homeschool so you don’t need to get up until 8-10am?! because that’s really not in the best interests of your child.

I think your DP is right on the HS front, it takes a HUGE amount of time and concerted effort to educate a child to National standards on your own.

I know I couldn’t do it (with five degrees between us as parents and 3/4 GPs with Oxbridge degrees - I mention this to contextualise, we are a relatively educated family but I know HE would not be possible)

You’ve added to your stress by choosing a none local school you need to drive to. Not understanding the deferral point either, if you aren’t working full time you could have kept him in nursery 15 h and started him in yr r next year as he’s late summer born. They get funding until term after 5 to give you choice.
If it’s not working for you then re jig. Can you work maybe twilight or nights as your body clock isn’t morning and get DH to drop him at school.
Don’t make school sole focus. Get him involved in lots of activities so he makes friends. Likewise school mums and there to be your friends they are just acquaintances you see.

Haven't RTFT. I do agree that children start school to early in the UK. When my first DC was born in 2015 I was desperately hoping that the Too Much Too Soon campaign would take off and things would change.

I am very lucky that I was able to get my DC in to an out of catchment school which has a wonderful set up for Foundation children and I'm glad that the way foundation is set up in general in the UK is at least a bit flexible and accommodating.

I'm also quite lucky that my DC are or will be some of the oldest in their class. My middle child started this September and I was sure he wouldn't cope but he has done brilliantly and is enjoying it. I on the other hand did not cope with starting school so early and remember feeling completely lost until about year 2.

I do really appreciate the time that kids are in school but I wish that if they can't do a systemic change that would result in DC starting later, they at least extended the kindergarten type schooling that other countries offer such young children. I think research generally supports this.

Hi @anerki101 I'm the mum of a premie and very shy child who has always struggled with school and getting up in the morning to the point of tears pretty much every day until quite recently (she's year 5 now).

It sounds totally counter intuitive but we've found that getting in early to school for breakfast club has made a massive difference. We get up at roughly the same time but because we arrive for 8 rather than 8.30 there is less traffic so the journey is quicker, we can park very close by and also she doesn't need to stand in a massive noisy crowd as the start of her day (and neither do we!). We started about a year ago and it's been like night and day, we do still have some difficult days but they are much much rarer.

I don't know if you have that as an option but if you do I can definitely recommend giving it a go.

Homeschooling should not be encouraged in this situation at all.

the poster is struggling and wants to home school for the wrong reasons

this child should be encouraged to go out into the world and flourish not stay at home to accommodate his mother’s struggles

It’s common for parents to realise or be diagnosed when their children are. It sounds like your DS is going ok though.
Your DH could apply to vary his hours to get DS to school and settled. It sounds like you doing school run has dredged a lot of your issues up.

You've had some good advice on here and I'd also suggest that you look into any ND on your part. I just wanted to add something on water front.

It wasn't until the summer term that I found out / realised that they refill the water bottles after lunch / before home time. I didn't think my son was drinking as his bottle was always full, but no it had just been refilled.

I'd be VERY reluctant to pathologise this. Everyone needs a label to justify their inability/unwillingness at "doing" life and I think we need to stop with labels and start thinking about solutions

I agree that we should not pathologise everything but sometimes a pattern of behaviour and responses suggests something that is worth investigating. I think the ND among us can recognise something here in @anerki101‘s description of her difficulties which we recognise; lack of motivation, sleep issues, executive function challenges, rejection sensitivity, anxiety. Sometimes the solutions don’t appear until we understand ourselves better and it is therefore worth investigating. None of that is an armchair diagnosis, it’s a suggestion.

I spent many years berating myself for my “inability to do life”; trust me, there has been no harsher judge of me than myself. I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD (previously known as ADD) and prescribed medication. Not a magic bullet but I remember the first day I took it; I just got on with the day - It doesn’t sound remarkable does it? I remember thinking that if this was what it was like to be neurotypical then no wonder I had struggled so much and I felt pretty sad about the previous 52 years.

My label has been very difficult to get (they are definitely not handing out the diagnosis like Smarties) and a blessing. Now I can put solutions in place without the self depreciation. I don’t feel so depressed about previous self sabotage or anxious about the next balls up or feeling that I just don’t belong somehow. A diagnosis has allowed me to accept myself and put some strategies in place to manage my trip hazards. That isn’t a bad thing.

I think that your DH is right. No-one who struggled at school themselves should be home-schooling their children.

If he's finding school exhausting, are the school sympathetic to that? My DD was young in the year, and her teacher was quite happy for her to have an afternoon off if she was getting tired - she had an afternoon off most weeks through the whole year. The after-school meltdowns were a bit of a hazard, but they do reduce in time - advice there is to take a snack to eat in the playground and then home for a rest in front of the TV or listening to a story. We found the meltdowns resurfaced at the start of each term until about year 4/5 - it's just tiring getting used to termtime again (both routines and having to interact with lots of people all day).

Have you come across the term "delayed sleep phase disorder" - it can be a more serious thing than just being a night owl - whilst most people can just reset their routines to get up a bit earlier, some can't, or not without a great deal of stress.

This drudgery is just one of many reasons why we home ed. I don't have any other answer really!

It will get easier as you both adjust and get used to your new routines!

I meant your in the plural sense. Your family not you as an individual.

@JenJones5

No-one who struggled at school themselves should be home-schooling their children.

It's because I struggled with school myself thatI finally recognised the damage it was doing my youngest daughter.

You don't get to judge my ability to educate based on a system that failed me time and time again. Fuck that bullshit.

Did you know you're not technically obliged to send your kid in until they turn five? You could opt to send him in three days a week or keep him off here and there - you won't be fined. You could opt to just not send him until he's five, I knew someone who did this as their DS was struggling with toileting.

You sound depressed and worn down though. I think you're bringing anxiety about your own school experience to your DS's. Schools are quite different now. Reception involves a lot of play. All kids find it tiring to start, it's only been a week (and as you said he's been ill, not even that).

I'd get some counselling and if your local school isn't bad, transfer there so mornings are easier. We have a 5 minute walk to school and it's much better than trying to drive somewhere.

You have some actual practical problems needing solutions in there, bum wiping, socialising, getting up on time. But you are approaching everything with massive negativity and defeatism. It won't help your son, I'm afraid.

My youngest was a July birthday and the first few months of school were awful, she was so exhausted and couldn't stay awake past 6pm which is way to early in this house as she'd get woken up by her older brother.

anyway, she did get used to it and now at 7 I can't get her to sleep before 9pm 😩

they grow used to it and you will too hopefully.

i have always hated the school runs and dreaded it. I tend to get there early if I can and be out before the rush, the afternoons I try and be first or last in the queue 😅

Really I've just finished home educating my autistic 16 year old who didn't cope in school and he got fantastic GCSE results and has gone to 6th form.

School is a terrible way to educate many children.

Agree sit down with the teacher first to share these concerns. But if things don’t change don’t keep dragging him in if he’s really unhappy. It’s not to late to take him out and defer reception till Sept 2023. Provided you can get him into something else at short notice, why don’t you call around and see. Nursery is funded up to the day they turn 5. Speaking as a previously shy and miserable kid early on in school - being deferred a year was the best thing my parents ever did for me.

I think it may be tough for you for a while, but as for your July-born, it should start to get easier.

My son was the same age and ready to learn but emotionally behind his peers. He wasn't (and isn't now, years later) into rough and tumble. For the first few months of school he would stay inside at playtime and draw with the girls.

He'd cry on the way to school or walk at a snails pace. Walking the ten min journey became half an hour torment.

But he made friends by Christmas and it all got so much easier. Maybe not waking up in the morning, but easier on him!

My daughter is older in her year and never had those issues, but she still gets extraordinarily tired after a school day now she's in Yr3 and will cry all the way home if I forget snacks.

I’d make an appointment with the GP and describe what you’re going through.
it sounds like you need help.

your DS is picking up your emotions. It’s very important that doesn't happen, as he needs to go to school and get on in life

perhaps you need help more than your admitting.

it’s not an illness to be introverted but you’re describing something more than that here.

seek help sooner rather than later