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AIBU?

to be gay but stay with husband for the children?

187 replies

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:38

I know people will say it’s impossible and I would probably say the same if I saw a thread like this
BUT
I can’t physically leave - the house is rented and I don’t and can’t earn more whilst the DS’s are young.
I do love him and the relationship between him and the children, they would be heartbroken without their dad and I would be heartbroken without them so it’s all a massive mess.
Has anyone stayed until the children were older so not to cause the destruction that will follow?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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Drcrane · 19/09/2022 13:41

Does your husband know you’re gay and staying in the marriage for the children?

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IncompleteSenten · 19/09/2022 13:42

Is your husband happy to live that life?

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Hillrunning · 19/09/2022 13:42

It's your life, you can do it however you like but clear you liked this man enough at some point to date, marry and have sex so presumably you care enough about him to be honest about how you feel so that he can make the decision on how he wants to live his life.

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Helpyou · 19/09/2022 13:43

What about your husband ? Surely that's not fair? It's better to be truthful and your children will thank you in the long run.

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SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:43

He does know I’m gay
This came out months ago and he refused to leave, he knew I couldn’t so we just bumbled along really
Im finding it very hard - he switches between being really cross about me “ changing my mind “ 20 years into marriage and saying it’s all a mid life crisis and will pass

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SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:44

Husband won’t accept I’m gay so when I’ve said it’s not fair on him he says it’s ridiculous as isn’t even true

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IncompleteSenten · 19/09/2022 13:44

Are you still being intimate with him?

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/09/2022 13:45

Can I ask why you can't earn more while the kids were young.

If it's a genuine cant then that is different to your husband not picking up the slack or contributing to wraparound

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Cosycover · 19/09/2022 13:46

Why did you get married?

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BattenburgDonkey · 19/09/2022 13:47

Wether you decide to leave or stay I think you need to forget this ‘can’t earn more while the children are young’ mindset as you need to earn your own income and set yourself up for the future with your own career prospects, so the two of you need to accept the added childcare costs of it really.

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Valhalla17 · 19/09/2022 13:47

You've been married 20yrs and have kids. When did you "realise" you were gay and when did you tell him? Sounds like a few months ago is when you told him.

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SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:50

I realised gradually when I kept having intense friendships with women
Nothing that crossed lines but I could feel becoming too attached - I’ve never had that kind of relationship with any man including my husband.
I told him before Christmas and we’ve bumbled along since
Intimacy is hard for me, I’ve never massively enjoyed the closeness that comes with it.
I can’t earn more than a job that fits around the children’s schooling as he does a job that’s got very unsociable hours so all the school runs ( remote village so no wraparound at school ) comes down to me

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Greengagesnfennel · 19/09/2022 13:52

I think your husbands reaction is a natural one if you have only just told him after 20yrs marriage and children. Disbelief and a hope that it's not true.

That will change I expect as it sinks in. What you do then is not just your decision to make.

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Joystir59 · 19/09/2022 13:53

Lots of lesbian mums stay umtil their children are older, and lots leave and deal with the fallout. It's a very difficult situation OP and I really feel for you. It's hard enough comig it without having to consider husband's and children

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hamsterchump · 19/09/2022 13:56

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:50

I realised gradually when I kept having intense friendships with women
Nothing that crossed lines but I could feel becoming too attached - I’ve never had that kind of relationship with any man including my husband.
I told him before Christmas and we’ve bumbled along since
Intimacy is hard for me, I’ve never massively enjoyed the closeness that comes with it.
I can’t earn more than a job that fits around the children’s schooling as he does a job that’s got very unsociable hours so all the school runs ( remote village so no wraparound at school ) comes down to me

Aren't you the poster who had an intense emotional affair with a woman and then insisted on regaling your husband with all the gory details for some reason but you don't want to downgrade your lifestyle at all or lose your house so you're just stringing him along for the perks? I remember you expected him to leave and continue to fund your lifestyle entirely so you could move the other woman in and were shocked when he refused.

You keep coming back every few months with a new name don't you? I think it's cruel what you're doing.

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hamsterchump · 19/09/2022 13:59

SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 13:44

Husband won’t accept I’m gay so when I’ve said it’s not fair on him he says it’s ridiculous as isn’t even true

He probably can't believe it because you don't seem at all sure whether you want to stay married to him, are you still living as a couple and sleeping together, having sex etc? You really need to make a decision, it's not fair to try to force him to make it for you.

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Mummysharkargggggggg · 19/09/2022 14:00

I'm bi and I'm only staying in my relationship because of my kids.
He doesn't know because we get on great in every way it's just I'm getting more interested in women .
I couldn't be the one to break my children's hearts they adore their dad
.

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BEAM123 · 19/09/2022 14:02

How old are the DC's? How long until you can earn more?
I think plenty of people do try to hold it together for the sake of the children, but if that results in the relationship with your DH becoming toxic then that is likely more harmful to the children.
If you remain in the same house do you remain married in all aspects, or do you live your separate lives including romantically? If the latter, it will pull apart anyway as new partners will want more.

I think you probably have to start planning an amicable and controlled exit strategy. Maybe some counselling to help your husband come to terms with it.and to negotiate the changes. Whatever happens, you have to stay friends.

I also came out later in life, I don't know to what extent my previous partners realised I wasn't quite 'clicked in' to the relationship in the same way as a straight woman would have been, but I do remember being told that there was something I just wasn't giving and I never really understood what it was because I just didn't have it to give....finally it all made sense.

Wishing you strength.

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SadSuzie · 19/09/2022 14:02

I haven’t posted before

Mummy shark -
will you ever leave?

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IrmaGord · 19/09/2022 14:04

Aren't you the poster who had an intense emotional affair with a woman and then insisted on regaling your husband with all the gory details for some reason but you don't want to downgrade your lifestyle at all or lose your house so you're just stringing him along for the perks?

Yep, this ^^

Yet another thread. What do you want people to say this time, OP? Just leave the poor bloke and let him get on with his life.

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Noteverybodylives · 19/09/2022 14:29

How old are the children?

You’re not staying for ‘the children’ you are staying for yourself.

You cannot stay together if you are so unhappy.

Do you have any family close by you can stay with?

Then you are still separated and can start that process but you can still do all of the school runs etc and see the DCs just as much and he doesn’t need to reduce his hours.

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loislovesstewie · 19/09/2022 15:07

Truthfully, I think you need to exit now. You will be unhappy the longer this goes on, your husband will be unhappy and,not least, so will your children as they will realize what a sham the whole thing is. No-one should stay together 'for the sake of the children' , I think that is the biggest lie there is and just adds more unhappiness.

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Mummysharkargggggggg · 19/09/2022 16:32

Sadsuzie no I won't because we have disabled kids who will never be independent.

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Dixiechickonhols · 19/09/2022 16:37

Nothing is insurmountable. It sounds an impossible situation to carry on with.
You rent so rent in a town. Get a Full-time job and move children to a school with wrap around.
If it’s you who wants to leave then you’ll need to do it. No one can make you stay.

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ClocksGoingBackwards · 19/09/2022 16:37

That’s a horrible way to treat someone. Either commit to your marriage or leave. You are stringing him along and denying him the opportunity to move on and find someone that does want him for no one’s benefit except your own.Don’t kid yourself you’re staying for the children because unless you plan to stay with your husband for life like you promised to, they will suffer the fall out at some point anyway.

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