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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut these friends off?

101 replies

hols7 · 18/09/2022 22:22

I have a group of mum friends, there is 7 of us. We have been friends for around a year now and went through maternity leave together. I truly enjoyed spending time with these people and felt they brung positivity to my life, until a few months ago. I guess I probably overlooked the issues that looking back, have been there from the start but after a few things it’s really highlighted things for me.

As a bit of background, prior to this I never had many friends and suffered with low self esteem and some social anxiety. I really pushed myself out my comfort zone over the past year and forced myself to be sociable.

The first incident which started to highlight things was one I was over at one of there houses and I popped to the toilet, came back and heard one of them say ‘shush she’s coming back’. There was literally nothing I could think of that I had done to make them talk about me while I was gone. We had been having a good night until then and although I never said anything and pretended I never heard it, it felt awkward after that. I often try and suggest meet ups and my suggestions get ignored, other people suggest things and they get arranged straight away. I feel I am invisible to them almost, whatever I have to say is very often spoken over and like they aren't interested. If I try and start a conversation in the group chat it’s usually ignored. It’s felt very off lately and I genuinely can’t think of a single reason why, I’ve made sure I make the effort to attend for all the christenings, birthdays and meet ups. There’s been many birthdays recently and I too decided to have a little get together at my house for my own baby’s birthday and asked if they would be free to join and despite making the effort to attend everyone else’s, this message was read by all and ignored by all but 1. That hurt the most I think. A few hours later they were talking about random things so clearly not too busy to respond. I feel like this is the final straw for me and I’ve been very down about it today. I will say I feel like this has been more noticeable since a few person joined the group (who I’ve been nothing but kind, friendly and welcoming to) so I just don’t understand it. Also things like I went away on holiday, nobody asked whether I had a nice time or anything like that. Another went on holiday they asked them all about it.

I’m so sorry that this is so long, if you got to this point then thank you. It’s difficult because I don’t have many other friends so it’s hard to cut them off, but I also can’t keep feeling like this. Should I approach this and ask if there is an issue (not a confrontational person generally), should I keep the friendships going for my sons sake or should I just cut them off?I feel like it’s becoming clear they don’t seem to like me very much for a reason I’m not sure on. Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 18/09/2022 22:25

These situations are so hard and upsetting. Is there anyone in the group who you are more friendly with that you could stay friends with outside the group?

Boujisboo · 18/09/2022 22:27

I had a very similar situation to this. I stayed believing I needed to and just got more hurt. Cut them loose tell them why!

YumYummy · 18/09/2022 22:30

I was also going to suggest if there is any of the women you are friendlier with and trying to meet them one time one. Snubbing the invite to your DC’s birthday must have been very helpful. I think I’d ditch the group.

RedHelenB · 18/09/2022 22:32

Is that one person coming to your lo's party? If so, is concentrate on that friendship.

Ladyofthelake53 · 18/09/2022 22:32

Remove yourself from the group chat and don't bother with them anymore. Find some nicer friends x

YumYummy · 18/09/2022 22:32

Sorry that should say hurtful not helpful.

savethebeesandthecees · 18/09/2022 22:33

To ask friends if they'd like to come to your baby's birthday and be ignored is truly awful.

I'd be asking

  • is this new or always been this way
  • has this happened to anyone else
  • is there a ringleader
  • is there someone within the group you could confide in

Your answer to these questions may help clarify your thinking

Kite22 · 18/09/2022 22:34

I think you need to be realistic.
Just because 7 women happened to give birth around the same time, it does not mean those 7 women are going to be best buddies, or even friends over any length of time.
The first few weeks and months you presumably all found it supportive to have other new Mums to talk to, empathise with, and ask daft questions of each other, but once the babies have got to a few months old, you need each other less for that and friendships either develop or they don't.

I think it is more relevant that you say As a bit of background, prior to this I never had many friends and suffered with low self esteem and some social anxiety.
I should imagine whatever it is that means you have got to this stage of your life without ever having friends, is perhaps what is relevant here.

Do you have someone close to you who has known you a long time (sibling perhaps) who you can talk to about the friendship issues?

tiggergoesbounce · 18/09/2022 22:36

You need to ditch them, if they cant even reply about your childs birthday, they are very grim individuals.
Move on, having people around you isnt best, if they just bring you down.

Be happy, you amd your DC. Go to some classes or groups if you want someone to chat with. They were always welcoming when we went, you may meet a nice "park" companion for play dates or something.

GarlandsinGreece · 18/09/2022 22:36

Ditch them. I find that these large groups often become toxic, which is why, though I have friends, I always prefer one-on-one or a small group of three.

luxxlisbon · 18/09/2022 22:39

Does it really have to be say something or cut them off? That sounds very extreme.
I think just take the friendship for what it is, a relationship out of convenience because you were all on leave together with a baby.
I had a similar group, slightly more of us but honestly it’s hard to reply to everyone’s messages all the time and there were too many 1st birthdays to attend them all.
I don’t think you need to make a big dramatic thing and ostentatiously leave the group, I think you just need to reign in your expectations. Most people aren’t best friends forever with everyone in their nct class.
If everyone is doing something and you are free then pop along, maybe a deeper friendship will develop with one or two of them.

Crumpleton · 18/09/2022 22:39

I couldn't keep meeting up with people that I felt were being rude behind my back.
Infact ignoring the invite to your LO's birthday get together would have been the end of this so called friendship for me.
If they really need an answer as to why they're more ignorant than you think.

Original poster
hols7 · 18/09/2022 22:40

The one who I started off being the closest to, is now the one I overheard talking about me and has been very off, always ignores my messages. etc, I think the others have just followed this approach. There is 1 in the group who sometimes makes a little more effort and was the only one to say she would like to attend. I was only having the get together for this group though so I'm not sure it would be worth bothering putting together a little tea party for 2.

It's not that I've never had friends before, my previous best friend moved to the other side of the country and naturally we grew apart as we seen each other less and less. Other friends I grew apart from as we are at different stages in life and no longer had anything in common.

OP posts:
Original poster
hols7 · 18/09/2022 22:42

I have been considering sending a message to the one I started off being the closest to, to ask if there anything up but as I'm not a confrontational person I'm not sure how would be best to word this? Or if it's even worth it. It is her DC party next weekend and I had full intentions of attending but after this, I'm not sure if I should bother.

OP posts:
figmaofmyimagination · 18/09/2022 22:42

I don’t think you need to have a big confrontation with them, but I do think maybe you should take a step back and spend your energy getting to know some other people.

Notlosinganyweight · 18/09/2022 22:47

I have tried to form friendships, but as a working mother don't really have time to sustain them, so never really picked up any mum friends. Now after overhearing school gate dramas I'm glad to be out if it. I do speak to some mums, but it's more of of an incidental thing and I just enjoy that for what it is without worrying about forming a friendship. I'm much happier that way.

If you feel uncomfortable then it probably isn't working. Nothing wrong with slowly drifting away due to being busy.

Letthekidsplay · 18/09/2022 22:47

These are not your people :( and it’s genuinely better to have no people than the wrong people. Mute the group chat, join some new groups, spoil yourself a bit if you can with books, food, movies you like. There are the right people for you out there but the more time you didn’t around these people the harder it becomes to find your people.

Psychogeography · 18/09/2022 22:49

Kite22 · 18/09/2022 22:34

I think you need to be realistic.
Just because 7 women happened to give birth around the same time, it does not mean those 7 women are going to be best buddies, or even friends over any length of time.
The first few weeks and months you presumably all found it supportive to have other new Mums to talk to, empathise with, and ask daft questions of each other, but once the babies have got to a few months old, you need each other less for that and friendships either develop or they don't.

I think it is more relevant that you say As a bit of background, prior to this I never had many friends and suffered with low self esteem and some social anxiety.
I should imagine whatever it is that means you have got to this stage of your life without ever having friends, is perhaps what is relevant here.

Do you have someone close to you who has known you a long time (sibling perhaps) who you can talk to about the friendship issues?

This. These people are just like colleagues, people you ran across because of circumstances, not people you freely chose — and if you’ve only known them a year in total, and the problems you describe have already been going on for months, it doesn’t sound as if there was ever a real period of unproblematic friendship. Maybe focus on improving your self-esteem and thinking about what you bring to a friendship? Do you even like these people, genuinely?

My NCT group just didn’t gel — we simply didn’t like one another, which is hardly surprising, given that all we had in common was babies born about the same time — and drifted apart almost immediately.

Charcy · 18/09/2022 22:53

Mute the group chat. Use your little one to get out and about, groups, classes etc.
These people aren't your friends. I've found one of the shittest things about becoming a mum is the fact that other mums (alot of) resort to school playground mentality and it's honestly draining.

I'd rather have no friends that friends who talk about me behind my back, expect my attendance at their events but don't reciprocate.
Don't confront, don't waste your energy. Mute the chat and focus on you.

ElectedOnThursday · 18/09/2022 22:53

They are not your friends and never have been so don’t waste any more energy on them.

Ignoring your baby’s birthday is so rude, there is no comeback from that.

To help yourself through this, I think you need to look at being very kind to yourself. Stick with people who have your back. Say no to anything you are not 💯 about. Focus on well-being - sleep, nutrition and exercise.

The first year post-partum is a roller coaster and the last thing you need is a group of people making it more stressful.

Wrt friendships in general, I am guessing your confidence is low. Is there anything in particular that you enjoy doing? What is your family like?

Original poster
hols7 · 18/09/2022 22:54

@Psychogeography I feel like I have definitely worked on and improved my low self esteem since the start of this. I'm more confident in general and not nearly as anxious to attend social gatherings. We all knew of each other beforehand and some of us went to school together, I did feel we had a lot in common other than babies but it looks like I was wrong.

OP posts:
Idontevenknow · 18/09/2022 23:03

I would politely message the one that sometimes makes an effort and ask if she is aware of anything that has happened.

I would be wary of falling out if the children go to school together, as I wouldn't want my child to be left out or suffer. I would remain civil, but I would definitely be distancing myself from the group and wouldn't be calling them my friends anymore.

Livelovebehappy · 18/09/2022 23:04

There’s always one person in a group friendship like this who gets singled out to be the whipping boy. And it seems you’re it at the moment. I would actually make plans for your DCs birthday with the one person who has responded. Doesn’t have to be a party at your home. Maybe plan a trip to a local farm, or play centre, with lunch somewhere nice afterwards? Then just focus on a one on one friendship with this person. I wouldn’t give the others the satisfaction of asking them what’s wrong - you can then exit the friendship on your own terms by just stepping back. Let them find someone else in their group to bully, but don’t let it be you.

FlowerArranger · 18/09/2022 23:12

Livelovebehappy · 18/09/2022 23:04

There’s always one person in a group friendship like this who gets singled out to be the whipping boy. And it seems you’re it at the moment. I would actually make plans for your DCs birthday with the one person who has responded. Doesn’t have to be a party at your home. Maybe plan a trip to a local farm, or play centre, with lunch somewhere nice afterwards? Then just focus on a one on one friendship with this person. I wouldn’t give the others the satisfaction of asking them what’s wrong - you can then exit the friendship on your own terms by just stepping back. Let them find someone else in their group to bully, but don’t let it be you.

This.

No need for drama - just take a step back and focus on your own well-being 💐

Stickworm · 18/09/2022 23:15

I have been in situations with friends like this all my life, since school. I too have suffered with terrible social anxiety in the past, usually made worse by these situations. I think a sort of pack mentality can often be at play - I once bumped into a girl who bullied me at school when we were older and she said to me it was because I was an ‘easy target’. I don’t have big groups of friends anymore and prefer it that way, I have a few close friends who unfortunately don’t live near me but I know they are true friends. Hope you’re ok op 💐