To cut these friends off?

[hols7]

I have a group of mum friends, there is 7 of us. We have been friends for around a year now and went through maternity leave together. I truly enjoyed spending time with these people and felt they brung positivity to my life, until a few months ago. I guess I probably overlooked the issues that looking back, have been there from the start but after a few things it’s really highlighted things for me.

As a bit of background, prior to this I never had many friends and suffered with low self esteem and some social anxiety. I really pushed myself out my comfort zone over the past year and forced myself to be sociable.

The first incident which started to highlight things was one I was over at one of there houses and I popped to the toilet, came back and heard one of them say ‘shush she’s coming back’. There was literally nothing I could think of that I had done to make them talk about me while I was gone. We had been having a good night until then and although I never said anything and pretended I never heard it, it felt awkward after that. I often try and suggest meet ups and my suggestions get ignored, other people suggest things and they get arranged straight away. I feel I am invisible to them almost, whatever I have to say is very often spoken over and like they aren't interested. If I try and start a conversation in the group chat it’s usually ignored. It’s felt very off lately and I genuinely can’t think of a single reason why, I’ve made sure I make the effort to attend for all the christenings, birthdays and meet ups. There’s been many birthdays recently and I too decided to have a little get together at my house for my own baby’s birthday and asked if they would be free to join and despite making the effort to attend everyone else’s, this message was read by all and ignored by all but 1. That hurt the most I think. A few hours later they were talking about random things so clearly not too busy to respond. I feel like this is the final straw for me and I’ve been very down about it today. I will say I feel like this has been more noticeable since a few person joined the group (who I’ve been nothing but kind, friendly and welcoming to) so I just don’t understand it. Also things like I went away on holiday, nobody asked whether I had a nice time or anything like that. Another went on holiday they asked them all about it.

I’m so sorry that this is so long, if you got to this point then thank you. It’s difficult because I don’t have many other friends so it’s hard to cut them off, but I also can’t keep feeling like this. Should I approach this and ask if there is an issue (not a confrontational person generally), should I keep the friendships going for my sons sake or should I just cut them off?I feel like it’s becoming clear they don’t seem to like me very much for a reason I’m not sure on. Any advice welcome.

There is one who said she can come go ahead with this and whdd when she comes ask her what she thinks is going on.
I have inattentive adhd and it’s more common in people born as females. Our minds are over active rather than our body’s like the more common adhd. We miss social clues and it effects friendships. Maybe google to see if you have this too.

From the way you write, you seem lovely and on a different level to them. You deserve friends like yourself.

I completely cut off the mum group I was part of when I had DS. There was a 'ring leader' who I could see through from the moment I met her, and she saw me as a threat, and made it her life's work to make things awkward for me. I fucked them off before that anywhere near happened. Life's too short, and as my friend said, that group served a purpose while I was on Mat leave, and everyone else was at work. Pull yourself away from them, get a hobby and meet some really friends ❤️

Lock them off. Local play groups ha e startd up again. In my area they have them a few times a week in local churches and also if you call the council they will give you a list of groups to join. This will help x

Ps the playgroups in the church aren't really religious if you aren't that way inclined. At least in my area

@hols7

Thanks all, I really appreciate the replies so far, I agree and I will definitely be stepping back and muting the chat. I would really like to know why I seem to be singled out if I have done something wrong but I don't want to make it any worse so have just muted the chat for now. RE the party next weekend, would you guys just not attend/make an excuse as to why I can't go?

They don't have any respect for you OP. You will probably never get to the bottom of it. Personally I just wouldn't go and would not make up an excuse. Maybe a sorry can't make it text so they are aware (you're not going to be there) and you will know that you always behaved reasonably (and much better than them). Then drop the lot (not just mute), except possibly the one who did say yes to your dc get-together if you get on OK with them - maybe seeing/speaking to them one to one if that's possible and not going to be awkward?

I hate to be that person, but did you post this recently?

These are not friends, they're not raising you up they're putting you down.

Walk away from them.

"should I keep the friendships going for my sons sake" eh? What would son gain out of you forcing yourself to spend time with these people? And what lesson will you be teaching him by doing this?

Another vote for find something related to your own interests, and do more of that. Friendships will either come, or they won't, you can't force them or drag them out either.

Get out of the group chat what you want to get out of it. If its midweek and they go to the park and you are bored go then ignore ignore ignore the rest

There's a horrible cliquey part of new mum groups, it's like being in school again and it's disgustingly competitive. The whole thing is insecurity. I remember feeling like such a failure when DS was a baby because I didn't have a mum tribe to go to all the groups with. But your 1 y o does not need a crowd of babies to take posed photos with for social media. He just wants to hang out with his mum.

I've now found the toddler group I love and the friends who are there for me. I recently had a miscarriage and one friend sent flowers that day, another got the kids for me from school no questions asked, 2 others showed up at my door with a care package. The mum that I'm fake friends with like your baby group friends due to our husbands being friends hasn't even sent a message...you find out the people who are important to you.

They sound awful, and how horrible of them to snub your babies 1st birthday! Honestly, I would just delete the chat and not bother with them again at all. How dare they act like this when you haven't done anything wrong! They are acting like school children. You're an adult and can make the decision to remove this negativity from your life, and free up your time to meet some real friends who will also value your daughter. Imagine if you stuck around with this group and at some point in the future your child picked up on this? They sound really bitchy and I don't think you will miss spending time with them when they are just making you feel anxious.

I think maybe just downgrade this group in your priorities. I've been in that situation and then I've gone on to find the right people for me. You will too

If they even bother to notice you're gone. Can I suggest looking on Meetup for mum/lady/play groups that you might be able to get to to meet others?

This is so shit! I'm truly sorry you both have gone through these BS games, I honestly think too many of these women peaked in high school and wish they were still there... Mean girl vibes

It might not be anything you have said or done, but someone stirring things along, making a bit of drama here and there.

It will cause division, you of course have no idea of what is going on, some might feel embarrassed, others caught up in the cycle. The one who is communicating with you might be rising above it all, and refusing to be a sheep along with the rest of the flock.

I would mute the group conversation too, and eventually leave the group. Let them get on with picking on someone else next. Thats what happened in DD's group of ''friends''... and she has kept one out of the lot of them too.

They sound awful OP. I honestly can't being so lacking in empathy to treat another person like that. How hurtful it must have been for you re your sons birthday.

These women are not your friends, they are making you feel like shit and they don't care. In fact it sounds like they've already frozen you out, so do yourself a favour and bow out now. I wouldn't ask if you'd done something wrong, even if you had the way they are behaving is like bullies. Vile bunch.

I'm sorry about the friendship thing, but you don't need people like this in your life, friends build you up, they don't leave your self esteem in tatters. It sounds like something out of high school. You sound like a good person and friend and you will meet friends who appreciate that.

I’m so sorry for you @hols7 theyre actually treating you like shit and I think it’s now time for you to step away and stop letting them x
I’d definitely not go to the birthday next week - make an excuse, and moving forward I would just leave the group chat.
If any of them are concerned they can still message you privately but I suspect they won’t - and that will give you your answer!
I very much doubt you’ve done anything wrong at all - and even if you had, if they’re not adult enough to speak openly to you about it and instead bitch behind your back then they’re really not any kind of friend with having anyway.
Good luck x

They are no friends, at best they are aquantancies. Keep them as such, no need for drama but move on, you ll find other mums you can connect to. I promise. Dont stay home, go to toddler groups, meet neighbours and family, go to the park, choose fun, dont let them take the " joy" of your first parenting months/years. The not acknowledge of your baby's birthday is a massive red flag. Friends don't behave like that. Perhaps go for coffee with that one friend who acknowledge your baby's birthday and if it works out great, if it doesn't, you tried.

@hols7 just look at the awesome response you've had chica!
Mumsnet is a notoriously tough crowd and you're one of the very few who's won a significant majority over. This means more than a dull bunch of try hard bores who clearly can't be bothered to respect you.
You write very well and are clearly intelligent which suggests the possibility that they feel threatened by you and you may unintentionally come across as arrogant rather than shy?
Either way, I'd recommend focusing on fun activities/clubs for you and your son and not expect 'other' people to make you happy, when you're not expecting it, that's when they do.

I'd mute the chat and distance myself from them

They're just a group of bitches.

I certainly wouldn't go to the party when your DC's party got snubbed.

I would send something like ' can't make it on Sat as something has come up: and then leave the group.

It sounds like they bitch about you anyway so you have nothing to lose. I would also block them on all social media.

If the one that you are closer to care/gives a shit then she can message you.

Sorry OP - people can be so mean

OP...maternity mum groups are the worst. We started a group WhatsApp from a November 19 due dates group on another forum....lots of us in the chat. It all dwindled a little, when one of the mums to be had a miscarriage. We were all sad for her, shared our condolences and chat continued...but some of us called insensitive for sharing scan dates etc.

I subsequently carried on chatting to two other ladies (one who lived in Scotland and another who lived elsewhere in England) we happily chatted away for months, obviously through all of our births and subsequent mat leave all through covid they helped keep me sane since i wasn't able to make local mum friends for obvious reasons!!

One day, just before i returned to work, i explained to them my vigilance over covid and they both removed themselves from the group and blocked me on WhatsApp..I was heartbroken and still dont have any close local mum friends like others have had :(

I get the upset OP sending hugs

I had similar with my NCT baby group. I left the group - I’d done nothing wrong but they had - they were a bunch of keeping up with the Jones’s closet bullies. Best thing I did to leave. It was more embarrassing for them years later when I saw some of them at DD’s school (one was a teacher there). I feel sad for them that they behaved the way they did but it said everything about them. I feel proud now that I left with dignity and left them to it.

Sadly some friendship groups do end up having a very toxic dynamic. Seems like that has happened with this group. If I were you I’d distance gradually from the group, the. Leave the group chat all together. Maybe try to maintain individual ties if there are friends who you’d like to keep touch with one on one.

I don’t think asking what the issue is would be effective in this situation. The people involved sound immature and so would probably just say there wasn’t an issue.

I've realised that people come and go in life. If there are people that make you unhappy, then walk away. There will be opportunities to make friends later, possibly school parents, joining the PTA, joining a sports club, at work.

I've also realised I don't care too much for people who don't give me their time. I'm happy to initiate play dates etc but if I don't get the same back, I stop. Be kind to yourself. Happy mum happy baby.

I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't make up an excuse either.
I'd just say thank you but I did over hear your talking about me and I felt uncomfortable so have decided not to attend.
If you want add a "sorry if I've inadvertently upset one of the group".. now's your time.
They'll either get in touch to put things right or totally ignore you, but at least it'll end your concerns.