To cut these friends off?

[hols7]

I have a group of mum friends, there is 7 of us. We have been friends for around a year now and went through maternity leave together. I truly enjoyed spending time with these people and felt they brung positivity to my life, until a few months ago. I guess I probably overlooked the issues that looking back, have been there from the start but after a few things it’s really highlighted things for me.

As a bit of background, prior to this I never had many friends and suffered with low self esteem and some social anxiety. I really pushed myself out my comfort zone over the past year and forced myself to be sociable.

The first incident which started to highlight things was one I was over at one of there houses and I popped to the toilet, came back and heard one of them say ‘shush she’s coming back’. There was literally nothing I could think of that I had done to make them talk about me while I was gone. We had been having a good night until then and although I never said anything and pretended I never heard it, it felt awkward after that. I often try and suggest meet ups and my suggestions get ignored, other people suggest things and they get arranged straight away. I feel I am invisible to them almost, whatever I have to say is very often spoken over and like they aren't interested. If I try and start a conversation in the group chat it’s usually ignored. It’s felt very off lately and I genuinely can’t think of a single reason why, I’ve made sure I make the effort to attend for all the christenings, birthdays and meet ups. There’s been many birthdays recently and I too decided to have a little get together at my house for my own baby’s birthday and asked if they would be free to join and despite making the effort to attend everyone else’s, this message was read by all and ignored by all but 1. That hurt the most I think. A few hours later they were talking about random things so clearly not too busy to respond. I feel like this is the final straw for me and I’ve been very down about it today. I will say I feel like this has been more noticeable since a few person joined the group (who I’ve been nothing but kind, friendly and welcoming to) so I just don’t understand it. Also things like I went away on holiday, nobody asked whether I had a nice time or anything like that. Another went on holiday they asked them all about it.

I’m so sorry that this is so long, if you got to this point then thank you. It’s difficult because I don’t have many other friends so it’s hard to cut them off, but I also can’t keep feeling like this. Should I approach this and ask if there is an issue (not a confrontational person generally), should I keep the friendships going for my sons sake or should I just cut them off?I feel like it’s becoming clear they don’t seem to like me very much for a reason I’m not sure on. Any advice welcome.

Just step back and work on getting new friends.

Thanks all, I really appreciate the replies so far, I agree and I will definitely be stepping back and muting the chat. I would really like to know why I seem to be singled out if I have done something wrong but I don't want to make it any worse so have just muted the chat for now. RE the party next weekend, would you guys just not attend/make an excuse as to why I can't go?

I honestly wouldn't of minded if they had of just said they weren't able to attend DC little get together but to ignore it completely really hurt and I don't feel like I can keep making effort for others party's etc when it's not reciprocated at all.

They sound awful, retreat quietly. Leave them to their bitchiness.

I would just not attend the party next weekend, and see if they say anything.

I would just ghost them now.

I wouldn't go to the party. And I wouldn't bother with an excuse. Just ignore. I guarantee that after you've removed yourself from the group, after a while someone else will be getting picked on.

I would leave the group chat and never engage with them again (aside from one who make an effort ) they sound vile.

You haven’t known them for very long, and it sounds like there may be undercurrents/some bitchiness. ‘Cutting them off’ sounds dramatic, but taking a step back/reducing your expectations of them could make you feel better.

I would leave the chat and maybe just organise one to one catch ups with the nice one. Remaining in this group is toxic for your self esteem. Take bub out to heaps of different activities so you don't feel lonely and can make newm

This

...New mum friends.
(Sorry my toddler pressed post)

Honestly, i wouldn't give her the satisfaction of sending her the message and I def would not be going to the party especially when she is one of the ones that doesn't even have the decency nor respect for you to even reply to your message about your child's party.

She and they all sound horrible.

You ask if you should keep the 'friendship' going for the sake of your son. My advice would be no to that. For the sake of your son, cut them loose, because its not good for your son to have a Mum demonstrating low self esteem, low confidence and low mood because of these so called friendships. The longer you try to mix with these people, the worse you will feel in yourself and the worse you feel, the more it will show to your son. Your son would be better off with a Mum who is happier in general.

I would just slowly fade the so called friendship. No longer reply or put any messages into the group chat and let it fade out, eventually in time removing yourself from the group chat.

They sound horrible and toxic.

This exact thing happened to me with my NCT group and I never understood why. It was my lovely husband that eventually said, just stop going out with them, they aren't nice to you. It was horrible to admit this to myself, but they just weren't! I've gone on to make great friends in the years since and am glad I left the group to their not very nice and gossipy ways. I did stay in touch with one girl for a bit but the fact she hung out with the meaner ones made me go off her, plus she didn't know this but they also talked about her behind her back. It was like school only worse!

I usually see friends one on one or in small groups with mutual interests now, just leave them to it, don't message or find out why, just mute, block and start doing some other activities with your LO. If you have had friends before, you will do again.

In all honesty they sound like complete bitches. I would take a step back and try to look for other friends, join groups, go to the park etc. They are not worth your time or effort. I think it's disgraceful that they dint reply regarding your LOTS birthday. I'd be tempted to send a message saying something about it but it's probably not worth it.

• little ones

Nobody normal would talk about you like that. Absolutely vile.

Mute the group OP. No need for drama, just pull away and find new friends. One thing I have learnt since becoming a mum is that not everyone I meet needs to become a friend. I now enter friendships very cautiously because I don't always gel and end up feeling annoyed because I get stuck in an ongoing commitment I don't want. Also that quality is everything, quantity is not. There are lots of decent people out there and this group don't fall into that category.

I’ve been in this situation and backed off, initially muting the chat and eventually exiting. My reasons for this were slightly different but no less upsetting. The great thing about muting is that it just goes unread and you’re not left with the shitty feeling that you’re reading and not replying. If they’re doing that and are comfortable with it then it says a lot more about them than it does about you.

I like the idea of focusing on the one person who is making an effort. Put your energy into a genuine friendship. One strong bond is better than having the rest of them in your life because is doesn’t sound like they bring much to it?

Oh and next weekend something urgent has come up and you’re unable to make. What a shame it would’ve been nice to be there to say goodbye to you all. You don’t need to elaborate. And then can mute and focus on better things and people 💛

Stay in touch with the one that replied and see how that friendship goes. Ignore the rest and leave the group chat. I also wouldn't bother going to the birthday party. @hols7

Don’t bother going to the party. Offer no excuses and leave the group chat. They are not your friends. They obviously don’t care about you or your child - so I don’t see the point in staying in the group.

Don't go to the party and don't keep the friendship going 'for the sake of your son.' He's too young to care.

I met a similar group on maternity leave. Thought I had found my 'tribe.' I was wrong and now I barely see any of them. I went on to meet other people through a local toddler group and they have remained good friends. I've since met more friends now my LO is at school.

You will find other friends more worthy of your time

Haven’t read the full thread. But from just your first post - these people are not your friends and the signs have been there for some time. It’s horrible but you are not to blame. You don’t need answers, just need to extract yourself from the group / their life and move on, swiftly. This is not worth your time. Wishing you all the best x

Just back away from them.

I'm watching my lovely friend go through the same with a baby group at the minute and it's making her feel shit.

I had my babies years ago but she didn't have her little girl until last year and she's mid 40s. There have been parties and days out and she has only seen them on social media and realised she wasn't included.

She also very overweight and she feels this has a bearing on it, one mother once offered everyone a sweet and when it came to my friend she said something about her probably wanting to go on a diet.

I've tried to tell her the same as I'm telling you - walk away, they're not worthy of you. And even if you think you're doing it for your little one, it's a bad example to set.

I wouldn’t message asking what’s happened. It will be used against you. Send a “something’s come up message” for the birthday party, mute the chat (so they can’t bitch about your sudden exit), and if you really want to have a little celebration with the one person you like :-) but only if you really feel they are genuine.

I’ve been there. In my case it was two new entrants to the group who were massively insecure and made sure to take my place. My husband (boyfriend at the time) also said these people are not really your friends. He was right. I still see them at some events. I’m perfectly friendly as are they, but they are all constantly falling out with each other!

I'm going through similar myself. School mum friend for years has stopped speaking to me. She has a habit of this and over the years has told me how she's stopped talking to various friends because she thinks they've slighted her. Our story is fairly outing but our kids are in the same class for years yet so I try to be civil and wave if we pass or Life her social media. She literally just blanks me and I feel like a right twat rather than the bigger person. I think I'll just give up. It's awkward though cause the kids are in the same social circle.

It's just really shit OP. I don't have much advice as I'm stuck as well.

Walk away. I had very similar with my NCT group, and I cut contact. It was difficult to do as I liked a couple of them but they came as a group really and the others were not nice at all. I never regretted it. The group was making me miserable and paranoid. I felt so much better to walk away.

This.