To cut these friends off?

[hols7]

I have a group of mum friends, there is 7 of us. We have been friends for around a year now and went through maternity leave together. I truly enjoyed spending time with these people and felt they brung positivity to my life, until a few months ago. I guess I probably overlooked the issues that looking back, have been there from the start but after a few things it’s really highlighted things for me.

As a bit of background, prior to this I never had many friends and suffered with low self esteem and some social anxiety. I really pushed myself out my comfort zone over the past year and forced myself to be sociable.

The first incident which started to highlight things was one I was over at one of there houses and I popped to the toilet, came back and heard one of them say ‘shush she’s coming back’. There was literally nothing I could think of that I had done to make them talk about me while I was gone. We had been having a good night until then and although I never said anything and pretended I never heard it, it felt awkward after that. I often try and suggest meet ups and my suggestions get ignored, other people suggest things and they get arranged straight away. I feel I am invisible to them almost, whatever I have to say is very often spoken over and like they aren't interested. If I try and start a conversation in the group chat it’s usually ignored. It’s felt very off lately and I genuinely can’t think of a single reason why, I’ve made sure I make the effort to attend for all the christenings, birthdays and meet ups. There’s been many birthdays recently and I too decided to have a little get together at my house for my own baby’s birthday and asked if they would be free to join and despite making the effort to attend everyone else’s, this message was read by all and ignored by all but 1. That hurt the most I think. A few hours later they were talking about random things so clearly not too busy to respond. I feel like this is the final straw for me and I’ve been very down about it today. I will say I feel like this has been more noticeable since a few person joined the group (who I’ve been nothing but kind, friendly and welcoming to) so I just don’t understand it. Also things like I went away on holiday, nobody asked whether I had a nice time or anything like that. Another went on holiday they asked them all about it.

I’m so sorry that this is so long, if you got to this point then thank you. It’s difficult because I don’t have many other friends so it’s hard to cut them off, but I also can’t keep feeling like this. Should I approach this and ask if there is an issue (not a confrontational person generally), should I keep the friendships going for my sons sake or should I just cut them off?I feel like it’s becoming clear they don’t seem to like me very much for a reason I’m not sure on. Any advice welcome.

I'm so sorry you must feel so deflated. This relationship cannot survive I'm afraid, step away gracefully. You may find one or two reach out asking why. That is your time to be strong, reveal what you heard, felt and disappointment they couldn't find time to celebrate your DC birthday.

I think you are actually quite lucky in that you've realised so quickly how nasty and excluding this group has become. You could be years down the line and suffering the humiliations and disrespect.

Sometimes it's the nature of groups to become this way, a mixture of insecure people jostling for the upper hand and bonding by excluding someone. It's quite sad that to feel better some people have to put others down. You may be the target because they sense weaker boundaries and think you'll tolerate this nonsense and/or you're actually a threat in some way. It's not you, it's them though. Like all bullying it comes from a place of dysfunction.

The best way to protect yourself is to withdraw and find a better group. You can bet your life this group will find another person to do this to or will turn on itself. Be wary of any attempts down the line to draw you back in. A dysfunctional group like this often play the push me pull me game when it runs out of victims.

Exactly the same thing happened to me. Got friendly with a group of mums through nursery and we’d socialise fairly regularly as a group. Kids started school and about a year later one of the mums suddenly started blanking me completely for absolutely no reason I could see or figure out. I just couldn’t be bothered with it. If she can’t even discuss what the issue is and talk to me about it then that’s her issue. I didn’t want the group to feel awkward so I immediately left the WhatsApp group and cut all ties. Life’s too short and I’ve not looked back. I’ve made nicer friends since. Group friendships are tricky to balance.

They are completely blanking your sons first birthday so keeping yourself in the group for your sons sake wont achieve anything. He will make his own friends when he is older, at nursery and school, he doesn't need to see other friends at his age.

They sound horrible. In a group different people gel differently and there are always people you put up with out of politeness but it's pure nastiness that they ignore a message about a babys birthday party and respond with chat about what they're up to at the weekend. That's not 'not gelling' that's actually bullying.

There was a lady in my nct class that I didn't particularly like, I found her annoying and I think others did too, but no way would I have felt comfortable bitching about her with the others, because this lady hadn't done anything wrong, it was just a personality clash thing and I knew it was my issue that she irritated me. Bitching about someone in a group, when they are out of the room, is also bullying in my opinion.

I'd mute the chat or leave it and make up an excuse about why you can't now attend things you've already agreed to, otherwise it will give them a reason to gossip about you and justify their behaviour. I don't think I'd be brave enough to tell them why, as I'd know it would be discussed and dissected. Unless it's very factual eg you say 'after the 20th message in a row that you have collectively ignored, I'm taking the hint' or something that they cant argue with.

My guess is that you havent done anything wrong you are just different to them socially eg more introverted and they developed a pack mentality of it being seen as acceptable to ignore you

If the one thsy responded is nice you could suggest a meet up with her separately but she might feel to awkward to come

And I'm not sure asking the one thats nice will achieve much. If her behaviour has been ok to you then she is probably in an awkward position, ideally she would fuck them all off for being bitchy bullies but you can see how hard that is, given they are doing it to you directly and you've been speaking to them. She is not going to tell you the truth unless she is a very blunt person or you're very close.

If you want to continue to be friends with her then I'd actually go to the party. I'd make something up about why you can only go for a short time (eg family are visiting from other end of the country an hour after the party has started but I'll pop in for an hour and drop off present etc) as if you want to stay friends with her, dropping out of her childs party last minute wont help

I had this experience with my NCT group, I was very deflated as friends in other areas had banged on about how amazing and supportive NCT groups are. In my case it was the opposite and the rejection by them contributed to my pnd after the birth of my first child. At the time I felt very vulnerable and upset

She's 16 now (the child) and I've just left another WhatsApp group which was getting toxic without a second thought! Over the years I've realised I can engage and meet like minded people it just takes time. From the group I've just left only 1 out of 7 messaged me privately to see how I was. The rest can do one.

I would just leave the group, no statements, no drama and see who gets in contact. Join some other local baby groups that are activity (e.g baby yoga) not chatting focussed and hopefully you'll meet some kinder people.

Just caught up reading all your messages, just want to thank you all again for making me realise this is definitely toxic and that I don't need this. I do have another mum friend who is lovely and when we meet it's 1 on 1 but she now works full time so tricky to meet up now. DP works away during the week so it does get lonely and I feel quite sad that it's turned out like this.

Also just to clarify, the birthday party next weekend wasn't the baby of the only one who didn't ignore my message, it's the one who I feel could be the ring leader of all this.

If i was you, I'd back away from them, they sound horribly bitchy and mean girl esque! I remember moving to a new place and the first mum friend i made always made underhanded digs at me! Took me nearly year to realise being friends with her was not worth it. Get yourself on some of the meet a mum apps i bet you'll meet some lovely mum's who will add to your life not take from it.

Maternity leave friendships usually fizzle out when people go back to work after maternity leave anyway

Anyone can be unlucky in one group, job etc. But if it keeps happening, I wonder if it's an issue about you struggling to make / continue friendships, rather than an issue with the friends themselves

It might help to think "what would a confident person with good self esteem do?" and model that behaviour

Oh and i bet when you leave the group they'll find someone else to pick on! Some of these people thrive on having one person they scapegoat!

You could still do a little tea party with the nice mum who replied to the invite.

Don’t ask them, they sound like they have nothing better to do than to create drama.

have a smaller get together with the one who replied and celebrate with her.

if she’s nice and you enjoy her company carry on a friendship with her.

i wouldn't attend the other party or respond.

There must be other baby groups you could join? Do you drive? Maybe try one in the next town along?

Definitely the right thing in leaving this group. And I would not have anything to do with the one who is nice, she must be able to see how the others are towards you, how can you trust her?

@Shiningstarr , I was thinking the same as you. It's not 'nice' to turn a blind eye to this sort of behaviour which must be obvious, particularly if she was there when they were talking about her behind her back. The shame of it is people don't stand up to the ringleaders, probably to avoid being targeted themselves, and hence they get away with it. Being the scapegoat really is a lonely place.

I would leave the group and distance yourself from these women. They are not friends and sound awful.
I was in the same situation when my DC's were very small. We moved away and I met a group of women through my DC's. Thought how lucky I was to had met these ladies and would bend over backwards with childcare if needed, helping out etc. At the time I was a SAHM.
We were friends for a few years and also use to meet up at the gym. I started to realised I thought much more about them then they did about me as I was not included in meals out etc. One of the women put her foot in it by saying to me when we were chatting. Look forward to seeing you for our Christmas meal on xxx date. I said, I don't know anything about it. I never said anything but it hurt alot at the time for being excluded and I felt silly being a grown woman. I starting to distance myself but was actually invited out another time. I was in two minds but went along as it was a special Birthday. Lots of photos were taken and when posted I realised, not one single photo was with me in them even when I was sitting at the table. I was placed at the end so I was literally just cut out! 🙄
I knew deep down I was being used for childcare so I just cut them out completely and never looked back. I made some nice friends through my hobby and also I change my gym. I will never let anyone treat me like that again and realised how toxic the group were. You will be fine OP and will meet some lovely friends. You don't need these women in your life.

I feel really sorry for you! I’ll be your friend! It’s hard to get mum friends and it seems super sad that they just ignore your messages.
I would gradually cut them off though. Don’t make a big thing of it as they might get nasty.. just stop replying to messages and make an excuse to cancel going to the party.
I can understand it must be lonely but hopefully you’ll make some proper mum friends soon!

As everyone else has said, find a baby group or activity and make new friends away from this lot.

I'd not go to the party next week and also not say why, if asked afterwards claim you completely forgot.

The main thing though is don't leave the group chat yet, just mute it. If you do leave a message comes up for everyone saying you've left and that will just give them something to gossip/bitch about.

Stay on pleasant terms if you see them in case your dc end up being friends at school in a few years time, but other than that ignore them.

There is 1 in the group who sometimes makes a little more effort and was the only one to say she would like to attend

Mute the chat.

Don't bother with a big leaving gesture, it'll just give them something to gossip/bitch about.

Contact the nice (ish) one separately and try to arrange the odd thing, low effort, short and sweet meetings.

If it naturally comes up, you could mention the issue and say you're bamboozled, does she know why A could be like that.

But honestly, sometimes it's better not to even get into it. Queen bee will prob move ontk some other poor fkr in the group with you gone as a target.

And I'm not sure asking the one thats nice will achieve much. If her behaviour has been ok to you then she is probably in an awkward position, ideally she would fuck them all off for being bitchy bullies but you can see how hard that is, given they are doing it to you directly and you've been speaking to them. She is not going to tell you the truth unless she is a very blunt person or you're very close.

This is true.

This is super common btw.

Our (NHS) antenatal group drifted when maternity leave was over (as another poster mentioned) but also the one who made the most effort exited (because she must have gotten so disappointed and demoralised by people's lack of reciprocal effort, and maybe there was friction/abrasion between some members). I didn't ask, didn't get involved, never said anything about anyone even if I didn't like thruf behaviour on one occasion, and I'm glad I didn't. The one who made most effort is now still in contact even though were in different regions.

You're lucky if you get one contact out of most situations/groups.

This unpleasant behaviour is so common in new groups, all jostling for position because they are insecure. I have found it best to make friends 1 to 1 and not get involved in groups - it is astonishing that so many women behave so badly in groups, I wonder if they look back years later and feel ashamed of themselves - acting like fourth formers.

I'd message that you can't make the party (as it's the polite thing to do - go by your standards not theirs) and then mute the group and let them get on with it.

No point in a big exit, it'll be twisted to be you overreacting or being dramatic. Generally if you're in the minority it's easy to be scapegoated. Plus people like this thrive on drama. If you don't give it and just go off and live your life, it'll actually annoy them more. Kind of like you rejected them instead.

Keep putting yourself out there. The first playgroup I attended was a cliquey nightmare and I came home and cried. But I persevered and found a lovely group, I still see them occasionally now.

When your little one starts nursery or school there will be other opportunities to meet people too. Plus don't forget some people never really make 'mum' friends and both they and their children manage perfectly fine. Concentrate on what you like to do, nurture hobbies and interests.

And if all else fails, tell yourself you're doing the best for you to set the right example for your child. That they're as good as anyone else and deserve to be around people that treat them well. That's reminded me on more than one occasion to not stand for nonsense. I'd be mortified if someone treated my child badly, so they need to learn from me it's not ok.

Hope you feel better about it all soon.

Just something I wanted to share having recently read about the subject of adult bullying. Research has shown that 'relational aggression' is typical of female bullying. All of the things @hols7 described on her posts indicates passive aggressive bullying.

It's insidious because it's not always obvious, the victim often doubts their reality until the offences are numerous and consistent. They are also isolated as others in the group enable it, often out of fear of being bullied themselves and so it escalates until the scapegoat is ousted or has to leave.

I really do believe that there needs to be more education on this issue as it is so common. Bullying doesn't end in the playground. It continues into adulthood.

People can behave really poorly in groups, so I avoid them. One to one friendships are much better.

It doe’s seem like you’re being shown you’re not part of the tribe. Don’t keep hanging around people that are ignoring you.

Figure out what a strong person will and won’t accept from people and use those rules yourself. Think of the confident people you’ve known. How would they react if they walked into “shush, she’s coming!” ?

Were we in the same antenatal group op? This happened to me in my antenatal group last year so I left before my baby was even born (she’s almost 1 now). Didn’t bother saying anything because why bother it only leads to the cowbags denying it and acting hurt. Fuck all that shit, it erodes your self esteem at a time when you need bags of confidence. The older I get the less tolerance I have for bitches who purposely ignore other people in social settings.