Can’t tolerate my child

[Witssend]

Sorry not sure where to even start with this 😫

My 7 year old has become unbearable. Constant answering back, not doing as she’s told, everything has to be an argument with her, bullying younger siblings, doesn’t care about any punishments I try to enforce. She screams at me even attacking me sometimes.

Its got to the point now in the rare moments she is being nice that I can’t even stand to be around her (I’m trying not to show this to her obviously)

The worst thing is she is an absolute angel at school have always had glowing reports from teachers about how she is a lovely child etc so I know she can behave.

Not sure why I am even posting this maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation with their child and can offer any advice please I am at breaking point 😭

Is there another parent living with you ?

Can you describe some of her behaviours in more detail?

Did anything change recently? Any cause for her to kick off?

What do you do when she is misbehaving?

yes we live with my partner who is her dad

The only things I can think is going from an only child to having two younger siblings but the first sibling came 2 and half years ago and it’s only in the last 6 months or so I have seen a change in her.

I try my best not to react but sometimes she is that bad I end up shouting back, I know this is not the best way 😫

My DD got like this around the age of 7. She is 8 now and is so much better, she still has her moments, but on the whole is an absolute joy to be around now.
Some of it comes with correcting bad behaviour and the rest is age.

How does she behave for dad ? Is he getting the same from her ?

I feel your pain, mine is 11 and is exactly like this too. I have just started an online course that the social welfare, kids team in my area suggested. It’s called Triple P and all around positive parenting, following through with requests. It’s quite good, I’ll try anything at this stage, good luck x

Yes she is probably worse for dad to be honest

@Snaketime this is reassuring to hear , was really worrying that she is always going to be like this. Do you have any tips for getting through it

@SassyKni it’s so difficult Isn’t it 😭 hope things improve for you, I will look into doing this as well

Have you had time alone with her without the siblings? To really talk to her?

Angelic at school, meltdown at home is a symptom of ASD. I denied it with my dd for years.

My dd could be pretty bad at 7 and still has her moments now at 8. She will be 9 in 3 months and she is starting to mellow.

Yes I’ve tried to talk to her just us, but I can’t get anything out of her 😫 she just says she doesn’t know why she behaves like that and that there is nothing going on with her.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow would this just become apparent now though? she hasn’t always been this way. I need to look into the signs and see if she has any others. This has never been mentioned by school or anything

@DarceyG i wonder if it’s the age then, like terrible twos but 7 year olds lol

Angelic at school, meltdown at home is a symptom of ASD. I denied it with my dd for years.

This is very true, especially with a PDA presentation when they are just worn out by the end of the day with all the demands made of them. If this is the case then earlier assessment and specific behavioural strategies are really important.

And when was rhe youngest born

A lot of deep breathing and correction. We did use the naughty step once or twice but only when she got really bad and always with warning. Generally we just told her why her behaviour was wrong and that we were disappointed, paired with lots of praise for good behaviour. Also letting her feel more grown up by asking her opinion on things such as tea, what to buy when shopping, letting her shower herself etc.
My DD's school always said she was a delight too, but she was struggling. It turned out she has SEN, we are still under assessments to get the full picture, but I can remember sitting her down after the first appointment with her Dr and explaining things she turned to me and said "so I'm not stupid?" Turns out this had been bothering her a lot.
That was our first turning point, the rest has come with age and understanding.

Do you get much alone time with her?

I remember a school parent saying 7 was a difficult age. His quiet son suddenly got in fights, burst into tears. It all settled down again. He wasn't sure if it was a hormone surge or development blip.

That sounds very difficult. I think I would start by having a non confrontational chat with her. Asking her if she has realised about her behaviour and if she knows why she is doing it.
Then perhaps talk with her and come up with a list of things she can do instead when she’s feeling angry, frustrated etc. (ask her what would make her feel better- a hug, a chat, time in her room etc.)
Tell her it’s fine to feel this way/ have these feelings but that she can’t take them out on you/ the family.
Then come up with a list or a few consequences-tell her you will give her one warning ( a positive warning like- do you need a hug/ time out or one other thing on the list) and that if her behaviour doesn’t change then you will follow through on the consequences- for that age group- normally screen time can be the best - so 1 hour of no TV or iPad etc
if you follow through on the consequences- it normally only takes 1 or 2 times before they realise that you are being serious.
Its so hard but it really is best to remain calm and go through the motions in a calm way and explain along the way- “ your behaviour has been v cheeky/rude by saying/doing XYZ so I’m giving you a chance to apologise- if it happens again today you will have XYZ consequence.”
or- you know that we don’t do XYZ in the house-I can tell you are frustrated/ angry- would you like a hug/ time away from us/ something to eat (whatever’s on the list you have both come up with) because if it happens again, I will be doing XYZ (whatever the consequence is).

All behaviour is communication- it could be that she is worried/ anxious about something and instead of crying she gets angry- so it’s good to have a chat first to see if she understands or can vocalise why she is getting on like this.
Would also be good to try and take note to see if there is a particular time when her behaviour changes- in the mornings (are they stressful with everyone getting up and ready) after school- is she tired or hungry etc.
could also just be a phase that will pass!

We don’t get a lot of alone time no, I have been thinking about us having something special to do every week where just us two go out without my other two but then when she has been awful all week it’s the last thing I want to do (I know how horrible that sounds, I need to get over that and just do it to see if things improve)

@Whatinthewonderingfuckisthat this is so incredibly helpful thank you so much

Definitely worth looking into seeing if there’s anything like ASD/ADHD going on, as girls are so good at masking at school.

Highly recommend the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk.

Does she have much responsibility at home? Getting really involved with running the household/cooking etc. and feeling an important part can be great for challenging behaviour. The book Hunt, Gather, Parent is great on this.