Can’t tolerate my child

[Witssend]

Sorry not sure where to even start with this 😫

My 7 year old has become unbearable. Constant answering back, not doing as she’s told, everything has to be an argument with her, bullying younger siblings, doesn’t care about any punishments I try to enforce. She screams at me even attacking me sometimes.

Its got to the point now in the rare moments she is being nice that I can’t even stand to be around her (I’m trying not to show this to her obviously)

The worst thing is she is an absolute angel at school have always had glowing reports from teachers about how she is a lovely child etc so I know she can behave.

Not sure why I am even posting this maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation with their child and can offer any advice please I am at breaking point 😭

Unbearable is very strong. What if she said that about you? How would you feel? I get that you are a loving mum but what else might be going on in her life?

I also found 7 a difficult age with my eldest (now 11). Some of it just got better with time.

I agree with the Janet Lansbury link posted up thread. Whether ASD or not, I think your child needs to feel connected to you, accepted, and loved.

I have found it really useful to remind myself that actually my DS (who has no dx but has certainly always been much trickier to parent than my younger child) really is doing his best in that moment and I need to help him not get frustrated because he can't do what I would like him to do. I forget this repeatedly - especially when it's something he's done before, or manages at school, or my younger child can manage - and when i get caught up in "FFS, you should be able to..." I'm an infinitely worse parent. But when I stop and really see him and see that he can't bloody manage to sit still or walk in a straight line or manage his own frustrations or whatever, and actually he feels crap about that already, I can be much more effective.

Mine also definitely sometimes cops the fallout of younger sibling stuff... my DC2 is very charming and also often better able to follow directions and these two things make it easy to forget that actually she also bloody exhausts me and wakes me in the night and annoys her big brother, and all of this adds up to me being less patient than I'd like when the child I think is big enough to just pull himself together fails to do so. 😔

I think you have to focus on having the relationship that you want, and the behaviour mostly falls into place as a result. IME (admittedly sample size of 1) I don't think it works if you do it the other way round and try to fix the behaviour to make the relationship easier for you, even though that seems to be the predominant approach in parenting advice.

You have had some book recommendations here - I would add The Explosive Child. There is also a summary here www.additudemag.com/how-to-deal-with-an-explosive-child-tips/

DD is 7 and has ASD. She really struggles around younger children and finds them very stressful. She doesn't mind babies (unless they're crying) but can't cope with toddlers at all and can get quite angry and stroppy when they're around (cousins not siblings). I'm not even sure exactly what the problem is (she doesn't know herself) but I think it's just that she can't control the noise and crazy running around the house. Plus they take up a lot of of the adults attention which makes her jealous.

Could it be that your daughter is finding younger siblings stressful? Not insinuating that she has autism at all btw, just that I've seen DD behave like a completely different child around younger kids. Normally she's very calm and pleasant unless she's had a particularly bad day in school.

It's the siblings. She needs regular time alone with you and lots of praise and reassurance

Has anything happened to you where you were stressed or upset before it all happened? At this age a child is on the same wavelength as the mother and can easily absorb all the non verbal clues(kids get up to 95% of their information from non-verbal communication rather than what you are saying) that something is wrong with you or the family and then get chronically anxious without being able to understand why.
She could try and blow off her anxiety by using aggression. I wouldn’t punish or reject her for it however difficult it is.

However hard you try not to show what she makes you feel she can sense it and it would compound the problem. At this age it’s absolutely not her fault and not something she can easily or at all control.

@Witssend btw speaking as a mother of a 7 year old daughter (about to turn 8 this month) who when tired in the last year was known to growl at me that she wanted me to die when I did something wrong in her eyes.

And we’ve had some hair raising tantrums. Always eventually getting very upset about her own behaviour. Things are WAY better now at nearly 8. However I never let her behaviour affect my love for her, and told her lots that I absolutely could find her actions and words horrible but she is good and I always love her, even when her behaviour is far from good.

in the end I mostly treated her “turning evil” as if she was temporarily possessed by the devil 👹 knowing eventually it would blow off and she’d deflate and get better. You can’t let it get to you or take it to heart, you wouldn’t survive otherwise.
Not an indicator at all of what she’d be like as a teenager (I’ve raised 4 teenagers already)

Sorry to throw yet another book your way but ‘the explosive child’ is quite a good one too. By Ross greene.

Further to the ASD thread, don't forget that for two school years recently there has been a winter lockdown - this has been the first year in a while where the kids didn't get a few months break from the normal school environment partway through the year (even the ones who went in throughout had smaller class sizes etc).

Yep, me too. High intelligence but with zero ability to understand social cues, no idea what was rude or not rude, genuinely no idea she was answering back being argumentative. Any punishment didn’t make a difference because she couldn’t comprehend what she’d done wrong/was supposed to do. Even if I explained it in very simple terms…so I thought she was being stubborn because she was very clever. But it’s like a blind spot. Turns out she is very autistic. Off the charts really.

If she is an angel at School
But a devil at home....

You know where the problem lies op

When mine was I 7 I stupidly said oh grow up because she was driving me nuts. She said how can I? I can’t just grow that takes time🥴 she is mouthy now at almost 9 x

*If she is an angel at School

But a devil at home....

Yoy know where the problem is*

Shes probably autistic. Really really narrow point of view that it’s the op’s fault. That assumption is just bollocks and dated.

Negative attention is something some DC desire.

Use quick sharp punishments also calm yourself down you're the adult, fake it till you make it, be kind even when it doesn't feel good, give her quality time, be more patient and calm when things go wrong.

Not just autistic kids either, hold things in at school and explode at home.

She may have some sensory issues.

Honestly though the biggest difference you can make right now is working on yourself. You clearly have parenting burnout and dread spending time with her, and I guarantee she on some level will feel that.

Imagine being a young child and knowing your parent doesn't want to be around you... I'd keep acting up too.

So firstly look into burnout and how you can improve that. Venting to a friend, self care, practising self regulation all great places to start. Get curious about your own childhood and upbringing and how this is affecting you now.

Secondly, you are, naturally, looking at her behaviour from an adult perspective. She's not trying to anger you or make you hate her. She's desperate for you to love her. So you could try looking at her behaviour with empathy. Don't expect HER to have the answers. Is she testing boundaries? Does she need reassurance that you still love her?

Finally I would really make 1-1 time your priority, love bombing, try to enjoy her and your relationship again, don't bake if she doesn't want to bake. What does SHE want to do? Let her choose.

DH says in his culture they dont talk about the terrible 2s, its ages 7-9 that are awful.
DD was a bit similar. We did a positive parenting course online and it really helped. Mainly it helped me stay calm, but slowly that calmed her down a bit too. Might have also been her getting older though. She still has her moments, but its already much better.

Marvellousmadness

If she is an angel at School
But a devil at home....

You know where the problem lies op

This is so inaccurate and unhelpful, falling apart at home is very, very common with lots of neurodiverse and other children.

Marking my place as my DS (nearly 7) is in the most challenging stage (even more than when he was a threenager and I had a newborn!).

Will RTFT and reply properly later. Hope you have an ok day OP.

A parent told me how controlling himself all day caused her son to have a total meltdown once he got home. Is she better at weekends?

We are in a very similar boat, OP. Many helpful recommendations here. Thank you.

Mines 8 and the same )demon at home and angelic at school) although she's drives her teachers insane with lack of concentration and constant fidget .
She's got ASD and it's often hardwork 😩

My daughter was like this between 6-14. Had to restrain her on several occasions as she was being a danger to others and destroying the house. Angel at school...she once let her teacher see the other side of her in the school grounds and she was mortified. It was never constant, but a blow out for a few hours at least once a week was normal for her.

Kindness, trust, firm boundaries, clear boundaries, following through on punishments, taking her on 1:1 dates. Nothing.. Absolutely nothing made a difference.

She is a very strong willed girl who knows what she wants and never minded missing out on future treats if it meant she fought for her will in the moment. All through, I kept reminding myself that her strength and determination will be a major asset in the years to come.

She's definitely out the other side now and a lot of fun to be with again. There's still moments where we butt heads, but she's not attempted to hurt me out of frustration for a while.

No PDA, ASD, ADHD or any other diagnosis investigated or needed. Just a very determined girl who needed parenting and loving through learning how to control herself in all situations.

I dont have a DD that age but I can say around 8 there was a noticable change in DS, I have seen it with many children and it collides perfectly with the switch to pre-teen age.

For us we didn't really get 'bad' behavior more just insulance... more mild back answering, shorter/ruder replies, eye rolls or not answering at all.

They are looking to be 'grown' up and for some this would likely mean challanging authority or in this case the Alpha (you).

Thanks so much for all your helpful replies. It’s honestly made me feel like a weight has been lifted, with the comments relating to my situation and the advice I feel like I’ve got more understanding of why she is behaving like this and how to deal with it.

Going to take all of your advice on board with how I react to her and hope things improve. Will also keep an eye on the Asd side of things

Children who meltdown after being angels at school are often masking at school ie they manage to control behaviour over even the tiniest things that upset them at school but it's like a bottle of fizzy pop. It's being shaken and shaken with using that much control and finally at home, their safe place, the bottle exploded and all that stuff that has been kept in at school just exploded out.
This CAN be linked to autism, and girls with autism usually present very differently to the traditional view of autism that boys often present, however other things can cause it as well.
Is she y3? Often very different to infant style classes. She could be finding it harder, issues with others in class, having younger siblings and less time with yourselves.
Therapeutic parenting on FB (natp) have lots of good ideas to help with this. Punishments rarely work and they often state connection (with child) before correction (of child). And all behaviour is a form of communication (sometimes that might be simply being in a bad mood) As a foster carer I've learned loads to support kids who have after school meltdowns. Good luck x