Can’t tolerate my child

[Witssend]

Sorry not sure where to even start with this 😫

My 7 year old has become unbearable. Constant answering back, not doing as she’s told, everything has to be an argument with her, bullying younger siblings, doesn’t care about any punishments I try to enforce. She screams at me even attacking me sometimes.

Its got to the point now in the rare moments she is being nice that I can’t even stand to be around her (I’m trying not to show this to her obviously)

The worst thing is she is an absolute angel at school have always had glowing reports from teachers about how she is a lovely child etc so I know she can behave.

Not sure why I am even posting this maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation with their child and can offer any advice please I am at breaking point 😭

My nearly 7 year old is like this and we are awaiting adhd assessment. With your daughter It could be hormones, apparently between 6 and 8 they have a hormone surge so can cause behaviour issues.

How old is your youngest?

@Preggopreggo i actually downloaded that the other day after googling so I’m going to start reading it tonight once the kids are in bed.

I do try to get her involved in things like baking etc but she moans she’s bored 5 minutes in and just wants me to finish it but I will make an effort to try and involve her with the other things too

My youngest is 15 months

www.parents.com/kids/development/adrenarche-and-puberty-everything-you-need-to-know/

i remember last summer meeting other mothers in the park from her class. A few of us were discussing what is in the link above and agreed it’s definitely correct.

Do you think everything is okay at school?
She might be having problems with other children or falling behind/ feeling overwhelmed.

What punishments? Time out for 7 minutes should do the trick.

There's also a development leap about that age as they transition from beig a small child to a child child. ( hope that makes sense!). That could also be the cause.

I have a 7yo girl who is gard work at home and angelic at home. I'm highly suspcious she has ADHD and masks at school. She sometimes physically attacks me.

Speak to school and share you concerns. My girl has joined the nuture group at school which has helped.

@Witssend my dd didn’t really show any other symptoms at that age. A few friendship squabbles and refusal to wear buttons or itchy clothes.

She had bad anxiety at 9 that seemed to disappear. I wondered them. Now at 16 she has bad social anxiety, lots of sensory issues and it on waiting list for ASD assessment.

There we’re no really recognisable symptoms at 7 apart from meltdowns after a perfect day at school, or refusal to wear buttons. At 16 she has friends, is charming and funny, she smiles all the time as a baby and always held eye contact.

Girls are less recognisable and are diagnosed later.

@IAmTheUsername

What punishments? Time out for 7 minutes should do the trick.

Absolutely disagree with this. ‘Bad’ behaviour is usually a form of communication for connection with you, so pushing them away will worsen things.

“Timeout closes the door on communication in the misguided hope that children will think about their behavior and, shamed, resolve to do better in the future.
^^
The problem with this logic is that it assumes children are thinking reasonably when they are breaking the rules. The truth is that they’re usually acting on impulses that don’t make sense to them either. So, in effect, we’re expecting them to reason out the unreasonable while dealing with equal doses of shame and guilt, then miraculously come to their senses and henceforth conduct themselves with a more mature level of self-control.”

www.janetlansbury.com/2016/05/why-timeouts-fail-and-what-to-do-instead/

Hi my daughter of a similar age was acting like this. It's horrible to feel like you don't like your own child sometimes.

I involved school, they offered for their pastoral person to talk to her. It turned out she had been having friendship issues, and it was all coming out at home. To be honest they've been a bit shit at dealing with it, but once we knew, we have been able to deal with it. Things that helped have been making an effort to spend time with her friends outside school, doing slow bedtimes where she can chat about things that are bothering her before bed and talk about how she could have behaved instead. We got her play therapy and that helped calm her down a bit. I have forced myself to be a bit more tactile with her, it feels a bit more natural with my youngest child but its something she really needs, and hugging really calms her down.

If we shout at her or tell her off it always seems to make things worse. If we talk to her quietly about why that behaviour isnt acceptable and how it makes us feel, she seems to take it in a lot more, though it's really hard in the moment and we don't always manage it.

I think because she is the eldest we expect her to be sensible and know better etc...when we really need to try and remember she is little and even kids that are quite a bit older do silly impulsive things

She still has her moments but has improved a lot over a few months.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with school because she was the same all through the summer holidays.

The link about hormones at this age is really interesting and would make sense, thank you

I have tried time outs, sending her to her bedroom to calm down, banning the iPad/tv etc nothing seems to work

I have just been googling about asd in girls and she does have some of the signs mainly the sensory ones like itchy tags

@DrinkFeckArseBrick this is so helpful thank you and I can relate to a lot in this post, especially where you said about expecting them to know better being the eldest etc I am guilty of this too sometimes.

No form of sanction worked for my dd we tried everything.

Rewarding good behaviour worked best.

Is her bad behaviour anxiety driven or about control?

I'm the first to suggest ASD if I think there are signs but this sounds more like she's gone from having all your time to getting none of your time because it all has to be shared with her other two siblings. Does she get time alone with you every evening after the younger ones have gone to bed? I think that is really important - everyday you snuggle on the sofa with her and read her a chapter of her favourite book or something you choose together perhaps? You could take her out to the library just the two of you to find some books together.

Please don't avoid spending time with her because she is playing up because it sounds like she needs the very opposite of that. Really work on that bond with her through 1 to 1 time, she really needs your time and undivided attention.

I think behaviour got worse the more aware my dd became. Shhe was really hard work until about 12.

Then we had adolescence. Now at 16 she is generally delightful, but with high anxiety levels and fear of doing anything wrong.

Difficukt behaviour is often anxiety related.

Does she have friends?
Is she anxious about anything?
Does she play?
Is she fearful?

I thought this. Big effort to behave at school (masking); exhausted and horrible at home.

@Choconut i was also thinking that because it’s the only big change in our life, it has been really hard to divide my attention with a baby and toddler. I feel so guilty about it but now they’re a bit easier to manage I will make sure she is getting plenty of 1-1 time and hopefully it will help

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow yes actually she can be anxious sometimes and yes she has friends in school and outside of school too. I’ve been worrying that if she is like this now at 7 what will she be like during the teenage years 🙈

@AgnestaVipers she was the same in the summer holidays aswell though so I don’t know what to think

What’s her sleep like?

ASD is so subtle in girls. I taught secondary for years. So many ASD girls. But only one was really obvious. And she wasn’t diagnosed until about 15

When l think back my dd was just hard work all the time. Meltdowns, ultra sensitive to everything, fussy about what she could wear. Insisted on shorts and a teapot tops in the middle of winter because she didn’t like the feeling of fabric. Refused ever to wear gloves, hats etc. Still does now. Wouldn’t nap anywhere except in a cot. I could go on …..😟.

She didn’t play much as a little child, and l wondered a bit then. But she did play a bit. But couldn’t cope with change.

All small subtle things. I only started to piece it all together in the last couple of years when she was 15. She wouldn’t eat out anywhere as she didn’t like using plates that other people had eaten from, and couldn’t tolerate the noise. She won’t sleep in a bed on holiday, only on too with her own blanket. This is when l started to piece it all together. There was nothing obvious prior to this.

My oldest became quite difficult at around the same age. If anything she is worse now at 9, but with longer gaps between if that makes sense. I think a lot is down to hormones and changes at school (7 is tough as a lot is expected of them - too much in my opinion). My daughter has a lot of anxiety too, which she couldn’t really understand or describe to me at that age. I have 3 so I do make a special effort to have one on one time with each of them - even when i really don’t feel like it. She loves to go out for dinner, or on a little shopping trip and I always end up enjoying it and we feel much closer for it.

I also heard a little tip once which works a treat. Compliment your child when they can hear you but you’re not directing at them. If she does something helpful or some great school work, loudly discuss it with her dad or a friend so she ‘overhears’. Too often we end up moaning about their behaviour in earshot and they end up feeling like a ‘bad child’ and play up to that.

try not to get in an argument with her. If she is rude to you tell her that you won’t be spoken to like that and you’re ready to chat when she can talk to you properly. I also point out that I would never speak to anyone that way (I don’t!).

also remember she is still only 7. I remember once asking my dd to stop answering me back and she looked at me and said ‘I don’t even know what that means!!’ And I realised she probably had no idea what I was perceiving as rude.

Teapot top?Strappy top!

Has she just started Juniors? It's very different in feel to Infants (I know schools don't officially split themselves off now, but it's still a big jump in what they're expected to do).

easier calmer parenting

The author also has some youtube videos that are quite helpful. Books in local library, helped with my dd.