Foot in mouth - should I send a message to say sorry?

[NC9876543211]

I just bumped into some friends at the local shop. I am 22 weeks pregnant and today of all days I chucked on an old t-shirt that says 'preggers' on it.

The couple that I bumped into have been trying for a baby for a long long time and sadly it hasn't happened for them. I don't know the full ins and outs.

I haven't announced my pregnancy, mainly due to having to terminate a pregnancy last year at 27 weeks pregnant. I don't want to make a fuss. But I am quite obviously pregnant, and have told people when I've seen them in person.

She asked how I was and I said 'oh I'm fine thanks, shattered and I really don't like being pregnant so, you know, wishing January around very quickly!'. I did follow it up with 'obviously I do know I'm very lucky after what happened last time but still...'

This is the truth - I know that I am lucky to be pregnant and that this baby is healthy (so far, fingers crossed) but it still doesn't mean that I enjoy being pregnant.

But I can't help but feel it was really, really insensitive of me to say it to them when they have so desperately wanted a baby for so long. I can imagine them saying 'well at least you are actually pregnant'... I hate to think I might have hurt their feelings.

Anyway - would you send a quick message to them saying 'sorry, reflecting on what I said and I know it must have seemed really insensitive' or something, or would you leave it?

Yes, depending on how you think they’ll take it, I would say something along those lines

No, I would just leave it. They will have known what you meant and raising it again might make it worse.

Please leave it. It will just make it worse if you add anything.

I'd leave it, you'll just compound the issue

Leave it.

Just leave it you’ll make it worse

Agree, leave it. You weren't being unkind, forgive yourself. x

I'd leave it. They know you've had your own issues around pregnancy so should understand it not an easy time for you either. Their issues don't change your feelings.

I think if you meant you were emotionally struggling because you just wanted to get safely to the other side, that’s not insensitive - even to a couple who haven’t been able to conceive. And - wishing you well with that!

If it was grumbling about not liking pregnancy because you’re tired, then yes - it was insensitive.

It’s not really clear to me which of those it was - and even if it was the first whether it would have come across as the second.

I’d reach out, I think.

I would leave it. If you send a message, she will probably feel obliged to respond and that alone might be upsetting.

It sounds like you corrected it at the time so I wouldn't send a message. They're going to feel a bit wounded but a follow up message won't help that. Just chalk it up as a mistake - these things happen and you weren't trying to be mean. Maybe ditch the t-shirt?

Haha - t shirt is never being worn in public again!!

I think I'd say something or send a little message...I've been on both sides of that situation and someone acknowledging that they might have hurt me would have meant a great deal...infertility can be a lonely place. I had a friend who moaned constantly about morning sickness (tbf she was very unwell with it) but I'd just lost another baby, which she knew, and I'd have given anything to spend my day puking...

Leave it. One because you will make it worse and two because as sad as infertility is, thats not your fault they cant get pregnant. You are still allowed to complain and be honest about how you feel you should never feel the need to hide it or pretend otherwise.

I would leave it. Never apologise for being pregnant.
Sad for those who struggle to conceive but can't be avoided!

No, just leave it.

It's fair enough to hate being pregnant as it sounds like you had a rough time before. Just rehearse some set phrases in your head for any future convos. I have to do this.

No - you shouldn’t apologise for being pregnant, which is essentially what you’d be doing.

Sounds like one where 'least said, soonest mended' would apply.

Leave it, up only make it worse by bringing it up again!

This

I'd leave it. You didn't do it to hurt them and they asked how you were.

It probably would have been worse if you'd gushed how much you LOVE being pregnant etc etc
At least you acknowledge it's not all glowing, neat bumps & joy.

Congrats & good luck for January.

Leave it. There's no need.

You just answered a question. And bringing it up again would force them to dwell on it more.

Well, you weren't there, but I can assure you that that is exactly what I said. I don't know why that's so hard to believe, but so be it!

And yes, the t shirt is a bit naff. I was cleaning first thing so chucked on any old top from the wardrobe that I didn't mind cleaning in, and then went to the shop when it opened. No need to be rude though, is there?

I've admitted that I believe I made a potentially hurtful comment. It wasn't intentionally hurtful. I was trying to understand whether I needed to rectify it further or not, and how.

I actually don't know why I'm explaining myself to you. But thanks for your point of view.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Having terminated a pregnancy myself and after many miscarriages with no luck, I would appreciate a message saying "On reflection I think I might have been insensitive". Why on earth would everyone suggest not to say anything and just ignore it? If you think you acted insensitively (not on purpose), you still have the opportunity of making it better for the other person. Just "leaving it" and not acknowledging the pain that could've caused is the worst of both worlds.

Many people who know our journey have said to us a range of stuff, the few that have sent us messages afterwards apologising or acknowledging our pain are the people we've kept very close to us.

Having said that, you are allowed to feel scared, stressed or tired on your journey too and at the same time feel incredibly lucky, they are not mutually exclusive feelings. Be kind to yourself too! All the best.