Foot in mouth - should I send a message to say sorry?

[NC9876543211]

I just bumped into some friends at the local shop. I am 22 weeks pregnant and today of all days I chucked on an old t-shirt that says 'preggers' on it.

The couple that I bumped into have been trying for a baby for a long long time and sadly it hasn't happened for them. I don't know the full ins and outs.

I haven't announced my pregnancy, mainly due to having to terminate a pregnancy last year at 27 weeks pregnant. I don't want to make a fuss. But I am quite obviously pregnant, and have told people when I've seen them in person.

She asked how I was and I said 'oh I'm fine thanks, shattered and I really don't like being pregnant so, you know, wishing January around very quickly!'. I did follow it up with 'obviously I do know I'm very lucky after what happened last time but still...'

This is the truth - I know that I am lucky to be pregnant and that this baby is healthy (so far, fingers crossed) but it still doesn't mean that I enjoy being pregnant.

But I can't help but feel it was really, really insensitive of me to say it to them when they have so desperately wanted a baby for so long. I can imagine them saying 'well at least you are actually pregnant'... I hate to think I might have hurt their feelings.

Anyway - would you send a quick message to them saying 'sorry, reflecting on what I said and I know it must have seemed really insensitive' or something, or would you leave it?

you weren't particularly insensitive so don't worry. I'm sure they were in sympathy after your lost pregnancy, so you were fine in what you said. Say no more. People who cannot have children can't expect expectant mothers to go around almost apologising for a pregnancy. You're allowed to by thankful for your pregnancy.

I'd leave it. I don't think you were insensitive. You are pregnant. There are women all over the place who are pregnant. Your friends' feelings are not your responsibility. You didn't say anything untoward.

Personally I’d leave it, I’ve had 5 miscarriages after 6 ivf transfers and no living children.

I’d be happy it was going well for you. However, by messaging you’d be putting the emotional load back onto me to reassure you it’s ok, and I was fine. Even if I wasn’t I’d still feel I had to pretend I was. Then an interaction I’d have probably just forgotten about becomes a bigger thing and I’d feel more put out and different.

100% I would send a message to apologise. I don't really understand why you wouldn't.

The t-shirt 🤦‍♀️

Yes, very insensitive. However I think it would be worse to apologise as it will just be bringing it up again. Text from the insensitive, pregnant friend in a "preggers" t-shirt saying sorry for moaning about her pregnancy. I'm sure they could do without that.

Feels like it needs saying again:

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING PREGNANT AND HONEST ABOUT IT.

its not insensitive at all. So if these people are infertile for the next ten years? Twenty years? You should avoid all mention of pregnancy, babies and children forever?

The only way it was insensitive is if they had literally just told you about their struggle and you immediately cut them off to moan about your pregnancy.

Also nowt wrong with a preggers tshirt ffs its a bit of humour.

I’m not getting what’s so awful about the T shirt. You did nothing wrong, OP.

Nothing to apologise for. You were out and about, minding your own business, bumped into your friends. You chatted, and what ever you said was not meant to be rude or insulting, it just came out the way it did, but it wasn’t meant in any bad way. And you can wear what you want, don’t throw away that T-shirt.

Hi op. Firstly congrats on your pregnancy! Secondly I think you are being hard on yourself, we've all been guilty of a bit of foot in mouth at times, it sounds like you corrected yourself at the time and you didn't mean to be hurtful. I think if I were in your shoes I would prob leave it tbh but I understand you feeling like you need to say something, think it depends on how well you know the couple and how close ye are. If close maybe a text to say something along the lines of,it was lovely to see you both today, I'm really sorry if I came across insensitive at all hope you are both keeping well,let me know when you are free for a coffee etc. Or words to that affect. But honestly forgive your self please. Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy. X

I have to agree - just leave it alone now. Drawing attention to it will just irritate any existing feelings which they might’ve put aside by now anyway.

I think you’re being harsh on yourself. You corrected yourself as soon as you said it anyway, I’m sure they won’t have been upset.

Having been through a similar situation to you I can only imagine this pregnancy is not easy for you mentally or physically, I would give yourself a break on this one! Some of my friends say things that I find insensitive sometimes (e.g since I’m pregnant again speak to me about giving birth/being pregnant as if I haven’t already experienced it) but I know it’s not meant in a malicious way and I don’t take it to heart after I get over myself.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You are defo BU for owning that t-shirt though😂.

I think what you said, and how you qualified it was fine. I'm not a fan of sugar-coating the realities of motherhood.

I have some experience of infertility/loss and I would have appreciated a kind follow up text.

I couldn’t have DC of my own which was quite difficult to live with, but it was my sadness, and I don’t think you said anything untoward @NC9876543211

To the 87 posters saying you don't need to apologise for being pregnant - of course you don't, but there's a balance, isn't there? If a friend had just lost a leg you might decide to omit telling them how wonderful and amazing it was when you ran the London marathon last week or how alive you felt when you went trekking in the Himalayas.

You can show sensitivity even if you have nothing to apologise for. (FWIW I don't think the OP was massively insensitive.)

You actually counted 😱

😆

You are overthinking it, I don’t think you have nothing to apologise for. I am 52 and childless not through choice. I am very well used to other people having children and I’d be more bothered by them trying to pretend they are not or avoiding talking to me about it.

You bringing it up again, quite unnecessarily, might come across to me as you are feeling sorry for me and I honestly don’t want that and never have. As to your comment about it taking its toll, well at least I can think I never had to put my body through the strain of a pregnancy.

I wouldn’t say anything, you’ve not done anything wrong and it may be hard for them but you should apologise for being pregnant.

Yes, if you must reply, do this.
Don't leave them/her having to respond to your message saying "it's ok, don't worry about it" as well as having had to compose their faces.

I would send a message as you suggest. If they didn't think you were insensitive you don't lose anything.

Mmm, I am them and no OP doesn’t lose anything, but I would end up feeling pretty shit if somebody apologised to me for being pregnant just because I couldn’t manage it. There is no need, it is dragging something out that doesn’t need to be.

I agree, it is.

Leave it. If they’re decent people they’ll know you didn’t mean anything malicious. No point bringing it up again.

I’d leave it, no need to keep probing that scab.

Id also bin the T-shirt and choose my audience very carefully when complaining about being pregnant. There will be many people who will have bitten their tongues similarly when you were experiencing your loss.