Foot in mouth - should I send a message to say sorry?

[NC9876543211]

I just bumped into some friends at the local shop. I am 22 weeks pregnant and today of all days I chucked on an old t-shirt that says 'preggers' on it.

The couple that I bumped into have been trying for a baby for a long long time and sadly it hasn't happened for them. I don't know the full ins and outs.

I haven't announced my pregnancy, mainly due to having to terminate a pregnancy last year at 27 weeks pregnant. I don't want to make a fuss. But I am quite obviously pregnant, and have told people when I've seen them in person.

She asked how I was and I said 'oh I'm fine thanks, shattered and I really don't like being pregnant so, you know, wishing January around very quickly!'. I did follow it up with 'obviously I do know I'm very lucky after what happened last time but still...'

This is the truth - I know that I am lucky to be pregnant and that this baby is healthy (so far, fingers crossed) but it still doesn't mean that I enjoy being pregnant.

But I can't help but feel it was really, really insensitive of me to say it to them when they have so desperately wanted a baby for so long. I can imagine them saying 'well at least you are actually pregnant'... I hate to think I might have hurt their feelings.

Anyway - would you send a quick message to them saying 'sorry, reflecting on what I said and I know it must have seemed really insensitive' or something, or would you leave it?

Leave it.

I can’t believe you own that t-shirt. You may as well get one that says “fertile” or “I had sex”.

I think you've had a name change fail @NC9876543211

@Antarcticant I have indeed and I've reported it. I noticed as soon as I clicked post!
Thank you :)

Leave it, you didn't say anything wrong.
For what it's worth I think you've been through worse than them anyway.

I'd leave it. But I'd also be kind to yourself, you're allowed to hate being pregnant but be grateful at the same time :)

Personally, I don't think you need to apologise unless their reaction at the time was one of upset and grief. Of course you're sad for them but you've also gone through the mill so it's difficult for you too.

I'd let it go, don't make it a 'thing'.

Congratulations and hurry up January and you holding your much loved baby!

I had a preggars tshirt many moons ago, it was a bit of fun and mainly to signal that I hadn't just turned into an even fatter cow.

Ive been on both sides and would normally say nothing but i think in this case a brief message would be ok, just something like “sorry, hope i didn't come across as insensitive earlier. How are you/the new job/etc etc” so they have the option of replying to the second part of the message and shows you are aware of whats going on in their life.
what you said wasnt that bad, bad is someone saying “oh well youre lucky because you get to go out/kids are a Nightmare/ at least you get a lie in”

Fucking awful comment which I have reported. Grief isn't a competition.

I think you're being too tough on yourself, you sound like a kind and sensitive soul and hopefully the people you were talking to know this about you and will look to the intention of your words - which were not spoken with an intent to hurt. So, no I wouldn't get in touch.

As for the t-shirt, why the heck shouldn't you wear it if you like it!? It sounds like a bit-of-fun t-shirt and people can get over themselves if it upsets them, no one needs to hide a pregnancy to avoid upset and if you wanted to scream it from the rooftops that you're pregnant it's not for anyone to say you shouldn't.
Who cares if someone else thinks its naff or 'wouldn't be seen dead in it' - you do, you OP x

Nah. Leave it. You will make it 10x worse if you bring it back up again!

God, just leave it. And the T-shirt sounds fucking awful, to be brutally honest 😬

@Ethelfromnumber73

Yes i agree, @BritWifeInUSA comment was awful. Grief isnt a competiton thus my comment pulling her up on her "maximum pain possible comment.

@beachcitygirl l have read some nasty stuff on AIBU, it’s a tough crowd. But you take the absolute biscuit!!! It’s not a competition. “I raise you a 6 week cut death versus 20 years of infertility”. It’s all horrendous and terrible. ITS NOT A FUCKING COMPETITION!!!!!

I agree. I don't think it helps anyone to dismiss someone else's totally valid description of emotional pain, especially in such a cutting way. Perhaps losing a baby is worse than infertility - I only have experience of the latter and can testify that it's pretty bloody painful at times - but does it make you feel better to win the grief olympics? I doubt it. However expressing sentiments like that probably loses you people's sympathy.

FWIW I would appreciate someone letting me know they realised they'd been insensitive.

@EL8888

Clearly you have never had a baby die. Its the worst pain - full stop.

Seeing posters talk about maximum pain possible is peurile. They havent a clue.

@beachcitygirl l did write twice in my last post it’s not a competition. But clearly you still think it is. Just because you’re in a lot of pain, doesn’t mean that someone else can’t be as well for something else. For the third time: it’s not a competition

I agree. This is just awful, like grief being used as pawns in one-upmanship. These things should not be weaponised. Unimaginably sad but this isn’t right.
OP, agree with others who say let it settle, don’t compound. Best wishes to you

@Ethelfromnumber73 thanks for reporting it, saved me a job

Honestly I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. You’ve had your own difficulties with pregnancy.

@Mythreefavouritethings

If its never happened to you (and thankfully it will
Have happened to very few of you) how the hell would you know how triggered you would be at someone talking about maximum pain possible.

@BritWifeInUSA was hateful to the Op & tried to weaponise her pain over ALL other pain which is what is actually HORRIFIC

@EL8888

Im not the one who posted "maximum pain ever"
Thus trying to make her pain the worst. Which is utter bullshit.
As you said there is no competition whatsoever.

Steering back to the OP.., if you message you’re doing it to make yourself feel better and it may force her to reply, and depending on her personality may end up minimalising her feelings to make you feel better “oh don’t worry, I’ve knew what you meant etc”.
I wouldn’t message and going forward be a bit more thoughtful when chatting to folk (& ditch the t-shirt!)

I miscarried twice before I had my son. I hated being pregnant the third time. Absolutely hated, both the physical effects of the pregnancy, and the constant fear of losing him. But I still felt so lucky to be pregnant with a healthy baby, and I desperately wanted the pregnancy and birth to turn out okay. You can absolutely have both feelings, and that's okay.

But I feel like you know this, having lost your own baby at 27 weeks during your pregnancy. I think you know and understand perfectly well how complicated and painful both the loss and the infertility is, which is the very reason why you're so unsure of what to do next.

I think whatever you do is fine, honestly. I think you can leave it here, and it won't do more harm. Or you can write your friends a message, and if they know your history, they'll also know your message came from a place of deep sympathy and that you truly do care for their situation.