Foot in mouth - should I send a message to say sorry?

[NC9876543211]

I just bumped into some friends at the local shop. I am 22 weeks pregnant and today of all days I chucked on an old t-shirt that says 'preggers' on it.

The couple that I bumped into have been trying for a baby for a long long time and sadly it hasn't happened for them. I don't know the full ins and outs.

I haven't announced my pregnancy, mainly due to having to terminate a pregnancy last year at 27 weeks pregnant. I don't want to make a fuss. But I am quite obviously pregnant, and have told people when I've seen them in person.

She asked how I was and I said 'oh I'm fine thanks, shattered and I really don't like being pregnant so, you know, wishing January around very quickly!'. I did follow it up with 'obviously I do know I'm very lucky after what happened last time but still...'

This is the truth - I know that I am lucky to be pregnant and that this baby is healthy (so far, fingers crossed) but it still doesn't mean that I enjoy being pregnant.

But I can't help but feel it was really, really insensitive of me to say it to them when they have so desperately wanted a baby for so long. I can imagine them saying 'well at least you are actually pregnant'... I hate to think I might have hurt their feelings.

Anyway - would you send a quick message to them saying 'sorry, reflecting on what I said and I know it must have seemed really insensitive' or something, or would you leave it?

Having been in her situation, I don't think you should have it was that would make it worse. I'd send something like:

I'm worried I can across as insensitive earlier. I'm really sorry if I caused any hurt to you with my comments. You don't need to reply to this, I just wanted to apologise for not engaging brain before opening mouth. Hope you are well and would be lovely to catch up properly soon xx

Have it was? I don't think you should leave it.

Genuinely think you need some support on this. Not entering into a tit for tat, you’re right, I know nothing of this. But channelling your emotions into laying into other people like this isn’t helpful. I hope this is just anonymous venting and you’ve got good people around you.

I'd send a small message.
You followed up what you said by clarifying so I don't think that's a problem.
But a small message wouldn't hurt in my opinion anyway. I'd rather do that than leave it, just in case I had upset someone by mistake.

I wouldn't make it complicated, I'd just say that I was sorry if what I said was a bit insensitive. And then ask how they are/have a normal conversation/say I hope they are OK.

I don't think it was insensitive, just honest! I certainly wouldn't message them to apologise for what?

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't believe the hard time you're getting on here. There could be nothing worse in life than losing a child.

@threegoodthings thank you I'm struggling a lot just now.❤️

I second that @beachcitygirl so sorry for your loss ❤ I've experienced losses but not the same.

Sorry for your loss. I get you 100%. I would leave it at it.

What about if a mother who had lost a ten year old dismissed the grief of someone who had lost a baby? Where do you stop with this? I'm so very sorry for your loss, but telling others to 'get a grip' is really not okay

You did enough at the time. I'd leave it now because you don't want to unintentionally rub salt in the wound or make it seem like it's a Very Big Deal

We have been trying for 2 years and stating IVF shortly- I would NEVER want any of my friends to apologise for this. It's not insensitive- you're allowed to feel the way you do and your friends will know you mean no harm. Don't worry about it- they will be more grateful you were being "normal" are around them and not pussy footing around! X

^If you really want to say something, you could just text and say, lovely running into you, how is everything

It is a hard line, where does it stop?

This is a situation that can happened in a number of different scenarios and invoke an emotional reaction. You’re compressing your own feelings to save others which also isn’t healthy.

I often see this issue within my friendship group. One example one couple have tried for years got pregnant via IVF, she’s 7 months along in a difficult pregnancy and being given additional hormones. She’s tired, emotional and warn out at given times she does say she can’t wait for December that doesn’t make her any less grateful. Our other friends have been trying for a 18 months had one miscarriage and upset when she says anything that isn’t positive as it personally upsets them. People are aloud to express their own feelings, you’re feelings don’t take away theirs.

No, definitely wouldn’t send a message, if she’s like me she’ll have forgotten about it and then be sitting staring at the message instead.

Please don't feel bad. I had a friend who tried for years to get pregnant. Then had a tough pregnancy with morning sickness, heartburn, aches and pains etc. she moaned the whole time about how she hated pregnancy. I'm glad she was honest and didn't pretend she loved the process of growing a baby just because she desperately wanted the baby at the end of it.

You are allowed to find pregnancy tough. In some ways it might have been harder for her if you had been glowing and clearly enjoying pregnancy.

You don’t need to feel bad, I’d just leave it especially since you quantified it at the time, lots of people don’t enjoy being pregnant, it’s hard work.

Leave it. You had a 27 week loss, and you're pregnant again. You get to feel and say whatever the fuck you want

I don't think you should send a message - it was mildly insensitive at worst, and dropping a message on her out of nowhere that she might feel obliged to respond to seems like compounding the insensitivity, not diminishing it.

However I'd certainly try to check in on her, without mentioning her situation explicitly. Let her know you're thinking of her and maybe suggest something nice to do that might distract her from whatever she's going through.

What would you be apologising for exactly? "Sorry I'm pregnant again and complained to you about it when you aren't pregnant?". Should you have pretended you weren't pregnant (weird)? Or confessed you were obviously pregnant and then gushed about how wonderful it is and how well its going? There's literally nothing you could have done differently so why apologise? It's sad when someone is infertile but doing these bizarre gymnastics to not offend when you are clearly pregnant is silly.

Good luck to you, glad things are going well with this pregnancy and hope January comes round soon for you x

As someone who was desperately trying to get pregnant after suffering a stillbirth then a miscarriage, it really hurt when people hid stuff from me but told everyone else like I was some sort of leper, someone to be avoided. I can see why they thought they were trying to “spare” my feeling, but pregnancy is not something you can hide. And there’s nothing wrong with discussing it factually.

so I’d just leave it

Leave it. You can’t expect the human race to die out/go silent cos some of us can’t breed. Infertility is awful but life throws a lot worse - their feelings don’t get the trump card.

Leave it - they’ll have steeled themselves to innocent comments and won’t be as hurt as you’re imagining. Reminding them surely just amplifies everything

I don't think you've said anything wrong. You have had your own awful loss too and you don't have to pretend to love pregnancy because of others' struggles.

Could you just txt saying how lovely it was to see them today.