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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 16yr old for a day

117 replies

Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:27

My daughter has recently turned 16 and has recently started college. Her dad and I have been invited to an event next Saturday and then to a friends for dinner and drinks, we will be away from around 12pm to 10.30pm. We will be around 25mins away in the next town. My daughter is outraged that we will be leaving her on her own and makes me feel guilty. She has friends at college and some still at school but will rarely meet up with them outside of this although i try to encourage it, so she spends all her weekends, holidays and nights either with me or in the house.
She is confident with us at home but shy and quiet around others, especially other adults. She is desperate for a part time job but finds it difficult to speak to others.
She isn't clingy with her dad, just me and would be quite happy if it was just me and her together all the time.
I try to encourage her to join clubs etc and have even joined a few hobbies with her but she either won't do them or gives them up after a few weeks.
I take her out and spend time with her as much as I can outside of work but she is annoyed when I go to my hobby because I am not doing something with her, even although she refuses to join the hobby with me.
I will leave her dinner which she is perfectly capable of heating up herself but aibu to leave her most of the day. She will have college work to do next weekend so we wouldn't be going out that day anyway.
And how do I get her to be more independent, I feel I've tried everything.

OP posts:
Lisad1231981 · 18/09/2022 08:31

That is completely reasonable and might be nice for her to realise you are allowed a life. Only thing I would say, do you have someone closer to home that she could call in emergency?

SavoirFlair · 18/09/2022 08:33

You haven’t tried “everything”. This is now a case of you wanting to go 0-60 in 3 seconds for convenience, when the prep and groundwork for her feeling comfortable with you being away needed to have been done a while back

ans that’s the thing here - there’s two dimensions

  1. will you be ok with her being alone
  2. will she be ok being away from you?

chances are she’ll be fine, she’ll do whatever she does when you’re around but in her own space at home , but only you know OP how she’ll be

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/09/2022 08:36

She is being silly.

Anothernamechangeplease · 18/09/2022 08:37

You are so not being unreasonable to leave her, OP. She is nearly an adult and she needs to learn to manage without you sometimes. I am not sure how you can make it more palatable for her. She might just have to suck it up - can you plan to do something nice with her the next day?

The situation sounds very concerning tbh. At 16, most kids spend a lot of time with friends, and they're becoming much more independent from their parents. It isn't healthy for her to be so emotionally dependent on you. It's very tricky to handle though, and I'm not sure what you can do.

Does she definitely have friends, or is it possible that she is quite isolated for some reason? Extreme social anxiety, maybe? Have you talked to the GP? It sounds like there are probably mental health issues at play here, so it would be worth getting some professional advice.

ScarlettSunset · 18/09/2022 08:37

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about going out like that.
As long as she knows what to do in an emergency surely she can just get on with her college work or watch some TV or something?
She probably feels nervous if she's not been on her own that long before, but it might really boost her confidence to know that she CAN do it.

middleager · 18/09/2022 08:40

I have 2 16-year-olds and you are not being unreadonable. She is.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/09/2022 08:41

You need to do it more OP and hopefully she’ll realise that everything is fine and it will increase her confidence. Sounds a tricky situation.

JustDanceAddict · 18/09/2022 08:41

At 16 that’s fine in theory, but it sounds like she won’t be happy. We def left alone all day at 16, but we also worked up to that stage.
At 17 we started leaving overnight.

Original poster
Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:42

SavoirFlair · 18/09/2022 08:33

You haven’t tried “everything”. This is now a case of you wanting to go 0-60 in 3 seconds for convenience, when the prep and groundwork for her feeling comfortable with you being away needed to have been done a while back

ans that’s the thing here - there’s two dimensions

  1. will you be ok with her being alone
  2. will she be ok being away from you?

chances are she’ll be fine, she’ll do whatever she does when you’re around but in her own space at home , but only you know OP how she’ll be

She does spend time on her own without us at home. School holidays, we work full time. I encourage her to go out and meet her friends but she only did this around 3 times in 6 weeks. Otherwise she will just sit in the house watching TV and phones me multiple times during the day and wanting me to come home.

OP posts:
onlythreenow · 18/09/2022 08:42

Please don't feel guilty OP, your daughter is being ridiculous and it is perfectly reasonable for you to leave her alone. Maybe you need to do it a bit more often, she shouldn't be so dependant on you at 16.

CormoranStrike · 18/09/2022 08:44

she is being ridiculous, unless there’s something going on in her life you need to know about.

waterrat · 18/09/2022 08:45

I think you need a massive focus on her anxiety. This isnt normal and in particular her spending the whole summer constantly calling you to come home rather than sorting her own life out

My daughter is younger but quite like this.

Have you talked to her and explained this is very unusual levels of anxiety and she could seek help?

See it as enabling her to see what life is going to be like as an adult. You will lead a life of your own and you wont be constantly rearranging plans to be with her.

Is she on thr autistic spectrum (my own child is) ?

GiantTortoise · 18/09/2022 08:45

What's the longest she's ever been left? If it's only an hour or two then YABU to go from that to a day all in one jump.

rocketfromthecrypt · 18/09/2022 08:46

She's going to have to learn to manage at some point.

Tumbleweed101 · 18/09/2022 08:46

My 16yo would have no issue with this so long as she knew how to get hold of me. She'd probably enjoy the house to herself!

I think you may need to have a chat with your daughter to work out why she would be so worried by it and why she dislikes being away from you. You are not unreasonable to want to go out when you have what is pretty much a grown up child and she will need to become independent from you soon now as it may influence her choices after college.

Toddlerteaplease · 18/09/2022 08:46

You also need to put a stop to the multiple phone calls during the day. Especially if you are at work. She is old enough to go understand that you shouldn't be disturbed at work.

waterrat · 18/09/2022 08:46

I would put a lot of energy into this now....help her with cbt perhaps and help her find a job. She cant have felt good aboit herself spending six weeks watching tv alone

FlipFlopsAndIceCream · 18/09/2022 08:48

Oh OP I think there's a bigger issue here. A 16 year old shouldn't be phoning their parent all the time asking them to come home. They should t fear or be angry about being away from their parent for a day.

This needs addressing quickly as by 18 she really needs to be ready to move out and manage completely on her own. She is v far from that right now!

Has their been any DV between you and her dad? Any issues between her dad and her? Any bullying at school? There is stuff she's not telling you. You need a good sit down talk with her about what's going on, and then you need gradually introduce more and boundaries around independence and help her get ready for becoming an independent adult.

Original poster
Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:48

She did have problems with bullying years ago but we moved her school and she's been so much happier since with a lovely group of friends, she just won't make the effort to do anything independently. Won't get the bus herself etc. I feel like she's missing out on everything kids her age do. I feel guilty about that so I make it up to her by taking her places, cinema, shopping etc but I feel its things she should be doing with her friends at this age. I feel like she will get kept behind if she doesn't make more of an effort

OP posts:
lanthanum · 18/09/2022 08:51

Mine is the same age, and rarely meets up with friends at weekends, and when she does it's their initiative. However she is quite happy to be left alone - she's a homebird but happy in her own company. One of her friends came round yesterday as her parents were out all afternoon and evening - I think mum probably prompted her to see if any of her friends were about - she stayed for dinner but would have been fine if that hadn't been an option.

I think it's quite reasonable to leave her for that length of time - perhaps suggest inviting a friend over. However if she's like mine, issuing the invite is the hurdle, and they're too old for us to be arranging play dates now! Can you help her find a way to do that?

There is some anxiety there, and it may be worth mentioning to your GP. We did pay out for a bit of counselling for DD at one point, and it did help.

KosherDill · 18/09/2022 08:52

Toddlerteaplease · 18/09/2022 08:46

You also need to put a stop to the multiple phone calls during the day. Especially if you are at work. She is old enough to go understand that you shouldn't be disturbed at work.

This. It sounds as though she needs professional therapy.

FunsizedandFabulous · 18/09/2022 08:52

My DD is 16 but has just started Y11. She's very happy to just get on with things by herself. She even hosted a sleepover by herself (we stayed nearby in case of an emergency)! We are going away soon for two nights and she's been given the option to either stay at a friends house, go to her Grandad's or have her Nan and Grandad pop round to see if she needs anything. She can cook basic things alone but we'll probably leave her food to warm up.

She is a shy girl too but because she's an only we have always encouraged her social life. I was the same at her age, but I had a brother to annoy, so I wasn't as much at risk of loneliness.

I think your evening out will be a good test for your DD to see how she copes. We were amazed how ours coped alone during her sleepover! She's going to have to learn, someday. If she can manage with you being out a few hours, then maybe next time...a weekend away? Smile

cultkid · 18/09/2022 08:53

Wow I'm so sorry she is putting you through this
Is she autistic? It doesn't sound like a normal range of feelings for a 16 year old to be so insecure and attached

I disagree with the 0-60 comment

I think go and leave her to it!

Home life sounds tough for you, you need a break too xx

KosherDill · 18/09/2022 08:54

Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:48

She did have problems with bullying years ago but we moved her school and she's been so much happier since with a lovely group of friends, she just won't make the effort to do anything independently. Won't get the bus herself etc. I feel like she's missing out on everything kids her age do. I feel guilty about that so I make it up to her by taking her places, cinema, shopping etc but I feel its things she should be doing with her friends at this age. I feel like she will get kept behind if she doesn't make more of an effort

It's counterproductive for you to keep stepping in to fill perceived gaps. She needs to get out there.

Job, volunteering, anything that doesn't involve you.

NancyJoan · 18/09/2022 08:55

If she doesn’t like the idea of being in the house for so long by herself, that’s fair enough. If she’s just cross that you are doing something without her, I’m afraid she needs to accept that you cannot be expected to spend all your time with her.

When you suggest she has a friend over, or meets up for a trip to the cinema, what does she say?

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