To leave my 16yr old for a day

[Hamandeggs1]

My daughter has recently turned 16 and has recently started college. Her dad and I have been invited to an event next Saturday and then to a friends for dinner and drinks, we will be away from around 12pm to 10.30pm. We will be around 25mins away in the next town. My daughter is outraged that we will be leaving her on her own and makes me feel guilty. She has friends at college and some still at school but will rarely meet up with them outside of this although i try to encourage it, so she spends all her weekends, holidays and nights either with me or in the house.
She is confident with us at home but shy and quiet around others, especially other adults. She is desperate for a part time job but finds it difficult to speak to others.
She isn't clingy with her dad, just me and would be quite happy if it was just me and her together all the time.
I try to encourage her to join clubs etc and have even joined a few hobbies with her but she either won't do them or gives them up after a few weeks.
I take her out and spend time with her as much as I can outside of work but she is annoyed when I go to my hobby because I am not doing something with her, even although she refuses to join the hobby with me.
I will leave her dinner which she is perfectly capable of heating up herself but aibu to leave her most of the day. She will have college work to do next weekend so we wouldn't be going out that day anyway.
And how do I get her to be more independent, I feel I've tried everything.

@Rafferty10 the OP clearly states that her daughter has just started college . @IggyAce @flumposie the OP has already stated that her daughter has been left alone during the day whilst her parents were working .

@dizzygirl1 but you have two DDs who are keeping each other company - so it's not quite the same .

@shinynewapple22 not quite, 1 of each and 13 and 15 so aren't exactly playing together more 'bodies in the same building'. They do spend time alone if that's the way things work
Whether I had 2 or not, it would still be the same answer! But I've got to work so they have to spend time at home without me 🤷‍♀️
Op does your DD do guides/scouts type of clubs? They usually help with building independence and life skills.
I said go my DD about this thread and she said she'd have no problem if I did as the Op and that she'd really love it, to sit and watch a film of her choice on her own, nice and loud.

I leave my 16 year old overnight.

"My daughter is outraged that we will be leaving her on her own"

Why?

She sounds as though she would really benefit from some counselling. I say that in a very kind way, not in a judgemental manner.

I'm with you on this

She adores her mum

I do think it's perfectly fine and healthy to be best friends with your daughter
I just had a baby girl and I'm elated to have a girl and to be able to have that very deep understanding with her
It does feel different to my sons

I also think the daughter has attachment issues which could be any mix of her mum working, covid , being bullied previously

Anyone who keeps saying I have an axe to grind I don't and I don't know why people are so defensive about a mum working? It sets such a good example for girls to see women working but it doesn't delete the fact that the mum wasn't there. Doesn't really matter if she was at a hobby, chose to be out or had to be at work. At 18 months a child is not sophisticated enough to differentiate between the absences.

I am not being goady but can anyone link me to the research that says a mum at work does NOT affect a child?

It's basically early attachment studies surely

This is unusual behaviour and I'd guess this isn't the first time you've spoken about it. She can't have it both ways though, if she's said she's just introverted and doesn't really enjoy mixing but is fine....well let her be fine this weekend. If the thought of several hours without you has freaked her out, nows the time to get her to admit there's a problem and start the ball rolling re getting help.
Tbh a lot of parents would be thinking of staying out and making this event into a nice little escape. You're not even staying out late so it's really odd. This mist be both worrying and suffocating for you.
Do go though, and don't agree to 'catch up calls', possibly a text to say 'should be back in about an hour'.
Could she invite a friend/s round for a film and takeaway?

I had my own flat, worked full time and paid my bills aged 17.

When you say you feel guilty do you actually mean seeing her 'suffering' upsets you and you're not able to bare it even though you know as a parent it's the right thing to do?
You are an enabler OP and you have genuinely 'spoilt' your child by offering her much more pleasing alternative to growing up. I think you know this.
I'd be favouring a short sharp shock approach and say we're going. If she calls get her dad to respond.
There's gonna be a lot of work to come and it's gonna be an uncomfortable time for you all but stick with it. If she has exams though I would offer some easing up.
My family have a motto...Roots to grow, wings to fly. She needs both OP

My brother and I were routinely left alone from six onwards. It's definitely not okay, but sixteen? She will be fine. I was running the whole house at fourteen.

16?! Of course she'll be ok! Anything over 14 is fine, possibly younger depending on the child. Many people have had sex by 16 (not encouraging this, but trying to give some perspective)

Otherwise she will just sit in the house watching TV and phones me multiple times during the day and wanting me to come home.

How does this fit with your job? Why do you tell her that unless there is a medical emergency or emergency with the house or a genuine issue that needs to be addressed that she cannot call you willy nilly like this. If no issue just cut her off and say given it’s an inappropriate call, you’ll talk to her when you get home.

🧟‍♀️

She seems very controlling to an unhealthy extreme. Two things parents can do .. firstly have lots of regular activities and hobbies you attend with and without her, also go out lots with your own friends. This is to role model engagement socially and to build up the time you are apart from her. Secondly help her see friends outside of school. This will be harder and may come later.

is it possible she is autistic? Controlling behaviour as a by product of anxiety is common.

Not sure why people keep resurrecting zombie threads but any 16 old who complains their parents are leaving them on their own for a day is clearly not like most 16 year olds.