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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 16yr old for a day

117 replies

Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:27

My daughter has recently turned 16 and has recently started college. Her dad and I have been invited to an event next Saturday and then to a friends for dinner and drinks, we will be away from around 12pm to 10.30pm. We will be around 25mins away in the next town. My daughter is outraged that we will be leaving her on her own and makes me feel guilty. She has friends at college and some still at school but will rarely meet up with them outside of this although i try to encourage it, so she spends all her weekends, holidays and nights either with me or in the house.
She is confident with us at home but shy and quiet around others, especially other adults. She is desperate for a part time job but finds it difficult to speak to others.
She isn't clingy with her dad, just me and would be quite happy if it was just me and her together all the time.
I try to encourage her to join clubs etc and have even joined a few hobbies with her but she either won't do them or gives them up after a few weeks.
I take her out and spend time with her as much as I can outside of work but she is annoyed when I go to my hobby because I am not doing something with her, even although she refuses to join the hobby with me.
I will leave her dinner which she is perfectly capable of heating up herself but aibu to leave her most of the day. She will have college work to do next weekend so we wouldn't be going out that day anyway.
And how do I get her to be more independent, I feel I've tried everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:55

She's left 9am to 5.30 Monday to Friday in the holidays, this has only started this year as she's refused to go to her grandparents this year although it wasn't a big jump as she started off going to her grandparents a few days and staying at home a few days, now she won't go there at all.
She does seem very anxious outside the home. I'm sure she doesn't have autism though, I used to work with a few children with autism.
I left home at 18 to go to university and she just seems world's away from what I was like at her age and I worry how she'll manage in the real world.

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 18/09/2022 08:57

DS prefers the house without us in it! He is 17 and has been staying overnight on his own since 16 and toddles off camping with his mates fairly regularly. Having said that, I have a friend who's daughter phones constantly if she is out for the evening unable to deal with the idea that her mother is out without her.

So, no your are not unreasonable to want to start getting some independence back, but presumably your DD needs some support. Perhaps she needs to go and stay with a relative (as you mention that friends are not a huge part of her life)? Unless there are unmentioned SEND here, I think I would look at discussing this with her college support team.

cultkid · 18/09/2022 09:00

Yes she sounds very anxious doesn't she
Im very anxious, I used to listen to the radio and panic my parents had died in a car crash when I was a child and early teens
Even now I get very anxious and want to know where they are but I've lived away from home since I had just turned 19
My parents constantly worked and I have attachment problems

Did you work a lot when she was young?

So tough for you xx

Basilandparsleyandmint · 18/09/2022 09:02

I think it’s fine that you go and at her age it’s unusual that she is quite so clingy. It’s not as though you are leaving her over night. You will be home.

I would see if she can have a friend come over.

I think though that it would be worth speaking to a G.P at some point her anxiety level is not normal , especially if she is phoning multiple times during the day.

Believeinyou · 18/09/2022 09:04

I don't think her anxiety is normal - i have 4 teens and there's a variety of social engagement from them. Two out all the time with friends but wouldn't have a problem being home alone ( would prob invite friend over) and my other 2 are abit more homebody types who are at home a lot more and prefer down time in their rooms. But again, neither of them would have a problem being left and my youngest is 14, nearly 15.

There's something else going on here - the calling constantly asking you to come home is unusual - none of mi e have ever done that unless they're 'starving and there's no food in the house' Hmm

neverbeenskiing · 18/09/2022 09:05

She sounds very anxious. Talk to your DD's school, they may have a school counsellor but if there's a long waiting list and you can afford it I would look into private cognitive behavioural therapy for anxiety. This isn't going to resolve itself without intervention and by trying to fill the gaps where a normal, functioning social-life with kids her own age should be you're unintentionally keeping the problem going. It sounds as though this has been going on for a while so you can't suddenly back right off as she won't cope, you need to take gradual steps towards promoting independence with the guidance of a professional who understands anxiety.

KILM · 18/09/2022 09:05

If she's already been left for that long then you dont need to do ANYTHING. Just go and have a lovely time. You dont mention severe panic attacks or anything so im going to assume the worst thing that could happen here is she feels anxious while you are gone. Thats not nice for her, but that is absolutely no reason to curtail your life and continue to pander to her reliance on you. (I also have anxiety, and its shit but the world doesnt revolve around me and neither should it) You sound like a very supportive mum, but anxiety or not she has to make steps towards tackling the things that make her anxious and as she's already been left for this long before this is not a big leap. This is a good, age appropriate step. She will not learn that she can do the things she doesnt like or feels anxious about with no negative consequences if she doesnt actually do them. I'd never advocate chucking her into the deep end, but this seems like a great baby step towards progress for her to try to me.

middleager · 18/09/2022 09:06

Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:55

She's left 9am to 5.30 Monday to Friday in the holidays, this has only started this year as she's refused to go to her grandparents this year although it wasn't a big jump as she started off going to her grandparents a few days and staying at home a few days, now she won't go there at all.
She does seem very anxious outside the home. I'm sure she doesn't have autism though, I used to work with a few children with autism.
I left home at 18 to go to university and she just seems world's away from what I was like at her age and I worry how she'll manage in the real world.

I'd like to correct my original response saying your daughter is being unreasonable. It was thoughtless, sorry, as my response waa based on my own 16 year old boys who often stay together.
Then I read your reply and thought about when one is left on his own, because he does not really have a social life either, or see his friends, and it worries me too. I try to encourage him to mix.
It is difficult for you and her, but I think that you should still go. It's a one off, after all.

Anothernamechangeplease · 18/09/2022 09:06

I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with OP working when she was younger!!Hmm

OP, I really think you need to talk to a GP. There is something going on and she needs help to fix it. And while I totally understand you over-compensating by acting as a replacement "friend", you probably need to take a step back from this to encourage her to do stuff for herself.

Anothernamechangeplease · 18/09/2022 09:08

Good suggestion above about encouraging her to invite a friend over when you go.

dizzygirl1 · 18/09/2022 09:10

Crikey! Ummm no you're not being unreasonable at all, I have dd 15 and ds13 who 1 day last year came home from school on their own (as they do many days) then enjoyed their Friday with domino's and films and I got back at 11.30pm due to a delayed bus. I had suggested their dad come and babysit but the amount of 'weren't babies, it's only a few hours, go and have fun' comments from them both meant I left them.
They were perfectly fine.
During the holidays when I have to be in the office, they are left 8-5 alone. I'm not allowed access to my phone so no phone calls. They've survived pretty well and even cooked dinner some days for me to come home to. Life skills are needed.

neverbeenskiing · 18/09/2022 09:10

Did you work a lot when she was young?

My DM worked full time, long hours from when I was 6 weeks old and my DF worked away a lot but I never minded being alone in the house as a teenager. There is no evidence whatsoever that the children of working Mothers are more likely to be anxious and I have personally worked with plenty of highly anxious DC who had a SAHP. Even if there was some link between her DD's anxiety and OP's working pattern when she was little, there's not a lot she can do about it now is there? Apart from pointlessly beating herself up.

Beelezebub · 18/09/2022 09:11

I think you need to stop ‘fixing’ things and ‘filling the gaps’ yourself and instead look at giving her the skills she needs to do those things herself.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/09/2022 09:13

I was very independent at her age - had a job, holidayed independently with friends etc, but I was still nervous about spending a night alone in the house. Could that be a factor?

cultkid · 18/09/2022 09:14

neverbeenskiing · 18/09/2022 09:10

Did you work a lot when she was young?

My DM worked full time, long hours from when I was 6 weeks old and my DF worked away a lot but I never minded being alone in the house as a teenager. There is no evidence whatsoever that the children of working Mothers are more likely to be anxious and I have personally worked with plenty of highly anxious DC who had a SAHP. Even if there was some link between her DD's anxiety and OP's working pattern when she was little, there's not a lot she can do about it now is there? Apart from pointlessly beating herself up.

I didn't say it was her fault I'm just asking because it affected me a lot! It can be an explanation for her anxiety and then it can be a way to work out a solution you honestly do not need to be so defensive

If it happened to me I know it happened to other children too. I'm not unique.

It affected me so much that I am a sahm to our children as I worry they will be as insecure and anxious at me

I don't mean this in an aggressive way but dismissing my feelings as basically nonsense is hurtful and unfair

Butchyrestingface · 18/09/2022 09:14

Otherwise she will just sit in the house watching TV and phones me multiple times during the day and wanting me to come home.

Umm, yeah. Anxiety or not, this needs to stop.

Good that you're only going to be 25 minutes away, but I'd turn my phone to silent and switch on answerphone so you can screen the inevitable calls.

TooManyMoronsHere · 18/09/2022 09:14

My parents went abroad for a week when I was 16. I actually enjoyed having the freedom during that time. She's being unreasonable!

Butchyrestingface · 18/09/2022 09:16

TooManyMoronsHere · 18/09/2022 09:14

My parents went abroad for a week when I was 16. I actually enjoyed having the freedom during that time. She's being unreasonable!

My ma fucked off on holiday the week after I turned 17 and left me a bunch of money for food. Seem to remember I spent it on crisps, Irn Bru and pot noodles which were so rank I couldn't eat.

I have fond memories of that week.

girlmom21 · 18/09/2022 09:16

A 16 year old is perfectly fine to be left alone for half a day.

Why doesn't she invite a friend round if she doesn't want to go out?

cultkid · 18/09/2022 09:19

I would have had all my friends over and been drinking btw 😂

I would have enjoyed a free house

Anothernamechangeplease · 18/09/2022 09:19

cultkid · 18/09/2022 09:14

I didn't say it was her fault I'm just asking because it affected me a lot! It can be an explanation for her anxiety and then it can be a way to work out a solution you honestly do not need to be so defensive

If it happened to me I know it happened to other children too. I'm not unique.

It affected me so much that I am a sahm to our children as I worry they will be as insecure and anxious at me

I don't mean this in an aggressive way but dismissing my feelings as basically nonsense is hurtful and unfair

Show quote history

It absolutely isn't an explanation of her anxiety, please stop trying to derail the thread with your own agenda.

cultkid · 18/09/2022 09:23

@Anothernamechangeplease

Yes it really is a possibility. The child is very over attached to her mum. Her mum said she doesn't think she is autistic. The child has clearly got some sort of anxiety issues. Being separated from your parents when you are a child affects how some children feel when they are older.

It's nobody's fault, stop dismissing how I feel and also don't dismiss my suggestion because it's not a whacky out of space one. If you think it doesn't affect children that is your opinion. My opinion is that it does affect some children, me being one of them. It also has affected my friends who's parents worked a lot , too.

If you shut down why a child feels bad it makes things worse

It's not my agenda it's my suggestion and question, trying to help the OP. Please don't try to silence me, the OP is engaging with the thread and clearly wants to work out what to do. It's really rude of you to dismiss me and say it's my agenda? What's yours? That her daughter is unreasonable and needs to get on with things? We know the daughters reaction is not normal, she wants some suggestions of things to try.

Working out if it could be because she was working a lot and not at home means her mum can focus on things like reassurance

I would be sad if I was parented by someone who said my feelings were not ok!!

everyone is entitled to their own emotional response. I'm saying what my life experience was. You're saying it doesn't affect children and that's your life experience: don't be mean to me.

PrivateHall · 18/09/2022 09:23

Having read your updates, YABU. There are clearly big issues here and this is too much in one go for her. You need to make this more gradual by cutting back on the phone calls when you are in work. There is a difference between being left during the day and into the evening, this is going to be simply too much. And she will be on the phone the whole time guilt tripping you, you aren't going to enjoy your evening at all. Either insist she goes to the grandparents and don't take her calls, or hold off until you organise counselling. She is clearly distressed being left alone so its just not right to suddenly do this with no preparation. That being said, is there a possibility the grandparents are part of the cause of this? It is odd she is so distressed alone yet refuses to go there.

Something has happened here op and you really do need to get to the bottom of it Sad

DarceyG · 18/09/2022 09:27

Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 08:27

My daughter has recently turned 16 and has recently started college. Her dad and I have been invited to an event next Saturday and then to a friends for dinner and drinks, we will be away from around 12pm to 10.30pm. We will be around 25mins away in the next town. My daughter is outraged that we will be leaving her on her own and makes me feel guilty. She has friends at college and some still at school but will rarely meet up with them outside of this although i try to encourage it, so she spends all her weekends, holidays and nights either with me or in the house.
She is confident with us at home but shy and quiet around others, especially other adults. She is desperate for a part time job but finds it difficult to speak to others.
She isn't clingy with her dad, just me and would be quite happy if it was just me and her together all the time.
I try to encourage her to join clubs etc and have even joined a few hobbies with her but she either won't do them or gives them up after a few weeks.
I take her out and spend time with her as much as I can outside of work but she is annoyed when I go to my hobby because I am not doing something with her, even although she refuses to join the hobby with me.
I will leave her dinner which she is perfectly capable of heating up herself but aibu to leave her most of the day. She will have college work to do next weekend so we wouldn't be going out that day anyway.
And how do I get her to be more independent, I feel I've tried everything.

I was going night clubbing at 16, probably not right I know but how things have changed.

Original poster
Hamandeggs1 · 18/09/2022 09:27

I did work when she was younger, I had her young and she was in nursery full time from 18 months but I though it was good foe her to be interacting with other children. Perhaps I was wrong, but I was doing what I thought was right for our family at the time.

OP posts: