To leave my 16yr old for a day

[Hamandeggs1]

My daughter has recently turned 16 and has recently started college. Her dad and I have been invited to an event next Saturday and then to a friends for dinner and drinks, we will be away from around 12pm to 10.30pm. We will be around 25mins away in the next town. My daughter is outraged that we will be leaving her on her own and makes me feel guilty. She has friends at college and some still at school but will rarely meet up with them outside of this although i try to encourage it, so she spends all her weekends, holidays and nights either with me or in the house.
She is confident with us at home but shy and quiet around others, especially other adults. She is desperate for a part time job but finds it difficult to speak to others.
She isn't clingy with her dad, just me and would be quite happy if it was just me and her together all the time.
I try to encourage her to join clubs etc and have even joined a few hobbies with her but she either won't do them or gives them up after a few weeks.
I take her out and spend time with her as much as I can outside of work but she is annoyed when I go to my hobby because I am not doing something with her, even although she refuses to join the hobby with me.
I will leave her dinner which she is perfectly capable of heating up herself but aibu to leave her most of the day. She will have college work to do next weekend so we wouldn't be going out that day anyway.
And how do I get her to be more independent, I feel I've tried everything.

Normally yes but it sounds like your 16yo is quite anxious and that's the issue at hand here.

YANBU op but you need to follow through with this

She will never learn to be ok with being alone if she isn't forced to get used to it even when uncomfortable

Just a word of warning, my mum did this for my brother who was anxious being left alone at 16, so she never left him if he was upset. He is now 26 and still calls crying when she is on holiday because he is home alone. She hasn't had a stress free holiday in over a decade.

RIP the plaster off. If she needs help with the anxiety then also tackle this at the same time. Either with medication and/or therapy.

She is lacking essential life skills and you now need to start giving her responsibilities and building her confidence. I would certainly go, she needs to know that your life is not wrapped around hers. Perhaps give her times during the day where you will message to check in, get her to have a friend round. She cannot depend on you forever and you need to step back to let her grow up. In 2 years she might be off to uni or entering the job market and she needs to start building the skills to do this.

I refused to go on a family holiday at 16, so I spent a week at home alone. I enjoyed the independence (and no, I didn't throw any house parties!).

A day is fine.

I think maybe you need to change your own mindset about this, OP.

Right now, you are understandably feeling sorry for your dd because she doesn't seem to have the kind of life that you had at that age, so you're bending over backwards to make up for that in other ways. And you're feeling guilty about the idea of leaving her to fend for herself for an evening.

I think you need to shift that guilt and recognise that, actually, you'll be giving your daughter a valuable opportunity to push outside her comfort zone and learn that she will actually be fine on her own for an evening. Help her to plan it out...buy a dvd that she wants, or something, invite a friend over etc. She needs this opportunity to build up her confidence and it's your job to help her cope with it... not cave into her fears and believe her when she says she can't do it. She needs you to believe that she will be fine... because she will be fine.

I'd be OK with leaving my 12yo for that long.

She's being silly, you need to go and be cruel to be kind otherwise she'll never learn to be independent

I can't believe you even need to ask. Seriously? If no SN, surely you must know all the answers given.

Although it’s lovely you are so close you must be desperate for a break OP.

It is probably because it’s my life every single day (single parent of 3 autistic children)… but something is screaming out to me here with the very limited info I have read. It might be worth speaking to the SEN department at your school about this and any other concerns you have and seeing what they and her teachers think.

A little of both. Clearly shes anxious & that wont be fixed overnight. Is there a compromise ? Could you afford to all make an overnight of it? Hotel room in the town. A premier inn or the like?
She can relax there with a movie & room service & you could maybe nip past for 10
Mins thhroughout the day? At very least you would both feel more comfy being so close? If the event is in a hotel - is there a possibility of a day room there? X

Yanbu for wanting to go
She is nbu for being anxious

Good luck to you both op

While most 16yo's would be absolutely fine, it's clear that your DD suffers from some extreme anxieties and IMO it actually wouldn't be fair to just go ahead and leave her for 10+ hours as things stand.

Her behaviour (calling you constantly when you're out) is extreme - what have you done to address this? She needs to see the doctor and potentially get started on some medication to help her cope with normal life.

When I was 16 I was going to over 18 and 21 nightclubs every weekend. Worked a weekend job and my parents would leave me to go on holiday!

Our dd is a real home body and has lots of friends but isn't that keen on doing much at the weekends.
She has been very anxious in her life from tiny but is in sixth form now and definitely much more independent.
She would have her friends round or adore the house to herself in your dd situation.
It's difficult as the parents of a needy child to step back and allow them to experience things they are not comfortable with as we are almost programmed by the situation to make it easier for them but it's really really important for their self worth and esteem to allow them to get on with it.
It has taken time and patience on our part to get dd to a place of being confident in herself and not needing us - mainly me - constantly.
Don't cave in this instance and have a serious chat with her about why she feels so reliant on you and what she thinks will happen when she's alone ?
Our dd likes us being around but would have no problem with what you are proposing and I would never have thought it possible that next month we are leaving her at home while we go away for a couple of days and she will have her friends over.
It's hard to change the dynamics but you need to be tough and kind and things will improve.

Nothing useful to add.

I was just so struck by some words in a post:

buy a dvd that she wants

and rather felt I’d wandered into some time slip novel - Tom’s Midnight Garden, perhaps!

Lol, so true @Aixellency We were on holiday recently and the rental didn't have Netflix etc, so had a look in the local (giant!) supermarkets to see if they had any cheapie dvds, as we'd forgotten to take any. They just didn't seem to exist anymore! Checked our local Tesco when we got home too, nope, not a sausage!

If there are no SEN then you need to get her some counselling to learn coping strategies for her anxiety.

What hobbies does she do? Something that helps build resilience would be good although it's a bit on the late side possibly look into guides, scouts, cadet groups etc.

What hobbies do you do away from the house? Perhaps you need to start leaving her alone at home regularly, either go to an exercise class or something or you and your DP go to an evening theatre/cinema show or restaurant or even an evening walk.

It sounds like a big jump compared to your usual life/contact. Maybe you need to work towards a whole day. I was left home alone at 16 for a week but had very independent relationship with my parents

Is this a joke? At 17 I lived in my own apartment in a different country. At 17, my DS was in college across the country.
Such babying

I cannot imagine this, it seems very odd at 16 to be so insecure.

My 16 year old dd went off with 4 friends for a night away, at a friends parents holiday home by bus and train this summer, followed by 3 days hopping between other friends near there, again by bus and train, many of her friends went to the reading festival for 3 days, although l would not allow that at 16.

I do think you are not doing her any favours as you are filling the gaps, l would not take calls or respond to texts more than say, twice a day if at work or out.

Is she not in education? Or working if not why not?

My dd is nearly 16 and I often leave her for the day, sometimes looking after her younger db for a couple of hours. But I started the groundwork when she was 11/12, I started by leaving her for 15-20 minutes while I dropped dh at work.

I moved out and rented my own room at 17.
She needs to be comfortable alone in the house

I had to leave my 12 year old from 8am until 4.30pm when I returned to work the day before she went back to school in September.

I think you’ve built the basis for a beautiful long life mother/dd relationship. However, she needs to start building up her independence.

Can she volunteer with animals to start with and hopefully can keep chats to people at a minimum? Can you give her straight suggestions like how about you invite friend X to the cinema today?

I know you say she has friends but it could be that she’s noticed she struggles socially. She might have social anxiety.
I hope you find answers soon

i think it’s fine to leave her if you’ve done so in he holidays

Also don’t be compare your DD’s independence to those who were looking after themselves fully at 16. No one from a happy, secure home would choose that, would they? Your DD feels happy and secure at home. She needs to be able to be confident outside the home now

OP you said her behaviour changed this year - it might be worth considering if anything may have happened to cause this. If you can recall what was going on in her school life/at home just before you noticed the change in behaviour, this might give you a clue. One possibility is that exam stress caused her to change her behaviour, for instance.

You also mention that she no longer wishes to visit her grandparents - perhaps there was some sort of falling out between them?

Hi @Hamandeggs1 I was wondering whether part of your daughter's anxiety comes from going through the Covid lockdown age 14/15 so at an age where she would normally be gaining some independence, going to the pictures or to a coffee shop with her friends, she has gone through a situation where her schooling stopped and she has spent more time at home with her family than she would have done under normal circumstances. I have a couple of friends with teenage daughters a similar age to you and they really struggled , to start with even with returning to school .

I am thinking back to DS at that age (5 years ago) - obviously allowing for different personalities and perhaps a boy/girl difference (I only said perhaps, I don't have girls) but at 16 he and his friends were very much into sleepovers , teen parties, starting to go to music and sports events without supervision.

You most certainly aren't unreasonable to attend the event next weekend but you also need to consider how to help your DD gain confidence to be independent . It may be worth speaking to her college to see whether there is any counselling available through the pastoral team at her college, I'm not thinking heavy involvement like Camhs, just someone to chat to and work out her feelings and what might help her .