To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

[Champagnesupamother]

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

I agree.
There are some things that are off limits when you have a friendship.
You may have your eye on a guy, would be bad form if your friend knew yet swoops in and takes his attention.
If you are buying a house, put in an offer then have your friend come in and put in an offer on the same house.
Same with jobs.
Yes it's a free country but friends are supposed to support you in reaching your goals, not compete with you.

Your friend hasn't done anything wrong, she applied for a job and was offered it.

You also can have whatever feelings you are feeling.

I think you may have been given a bit of a blessing in disguise given how little this company and their recruiters know about principles that are vitally important such as GDPR and DPA.

Unless she was your friend through work so more of a work friend, a normal friend interviewing for a job you’re going for is batshit!! Definitely not your friend and I’d tell her so and cut her off.

This is a big betrayal. I think it’s unforgivable. I could go away for the weekend with her. Cancel with a flimsy excuse and she’ll know the real reason.

*couldn’t!

If the weekend away is a group event, I’d go but just avoid her as much as possible. If she directly mentions the job, you could reply that you found it incredibly hurtful that she went behind your back to apply for the job she only knew of because you’d told her how much you wanted it.

If it’s just the two of you, your suggestion to cancel as you’re job hunting seems perfectly reasonable.

And tbh the interview panel seem pretty clueless if they have genuinely taken on an unqualified candidate because they spoke about another candidate-I suspect your friend may have wanted you to seem desperate, but I would be nervous about working for an employer which doesn’t shut this straight down.

Since it was you her told her about the job and she wouldn't have known about it otherwise, I think that your friend is totally in the wrong here. If you really want to work at the firm, don't let what she did get in the way. It sounds as though she might not even be able to do the job since you mentioned that it's not really related to her previous work experience. Wait it out, join the firm and find better friends.

@Champagnesupamother

Wow. As quite a number of posters have said, that is a really sneaky, underhand thing for your 'friend' to do.

I have worked (and other people I know have worked,) for these kind of 'we're a family' type jobs, where you're expected to work 30% extra hours for no extra pay. You get absolutely no thanks for it. You do have my sympathy for being in that job you're in. This kind of employer is shit.

I must admit I think I would be cancelling next weekend because I would not be able to go away with her after what she's done. As a number of posters have said, that was a really sneaky, underhand thing for your friend to have done.

I mean, like, lesson learned. Don't ever tell anybody else, not even the person you're closest to in the world, that you're applying for a certain job. Or anything else that you're really quite desperate to get. You can't trust anyone really. Not 100%.

I suppose things happen for a reason. And maybe for some reason you weren't meant to get this job. I don't know. But I really wish you good luck and success and happiness, and I hope you find something else soon. Something better than this job would have been.

Also, I must say I find it really very strange and very inappropriate that she was discussing you at her job interview and 'singing your praises' and telling him to give you the job. Yeah. Did she really? Why would she?

And of course you're not 'entitled' at all. Basically, your 'friend' has shit all over you. Some friend! Start giving her a wide berth. She is no friend.

If you hate your job just focus on getting another one ! There’s millions of companies you can’t get hung up on one job at one place.

and guess you’ve learned not to overshare in future

I'd find this hard to forgive too.

I don't get why she would talk about you in the job interview if she wanted the job? Seems strange.

this. Karma will come round!! Xx

The more I read, the more I think you've dodged a bullet with this job actually - for all the reasons already stated. I completely understand why you feel upset but something tells me that in time you will be glad that you got another job elsewhere (which you will).

That's not too take away how angry, hurt and disappointed you must (rightly) feel right now.

I agree with all this.
Sorry, op. I hope another opportunity comes along very soon.

Any HR experts care to comment??

The candidate offered the position should be a good fit with the skills in the Job specification. From what the OP has said, they have selected a candidate who was less suited to the role. Should the recruiter have documentation as proof of how each candidate measures up against the spec? Can the OP question this legally and potentially bring a claim?

OP, I can’t believe people are saying that what your friend did is ok. It’s not. I would cancel the weekend and tell her why. Write down some points in advance of phoning her if you think she will try to derail the conversation.
Then do something lovely for yourself instead.

Learn from this. Don't tell her what jobs you are applying for in the future. Focus on your own life and what you want from it, instead of hers. See it as a lesson or an important life experience.

Also be aware that she's the type of person who won't think about uncutting you if she wants something in the future (she might think nothing of dating one of your exes, for example). Some friends wouldn't have applied so as not to put themselves in the direct position of competing against a friend. All depends on your definition of friendship.

I wouldn't do this to a best friend and its shown her true colours.

I wouldn't go on the weekend away and I'd seriously be reconsidering the friendship.

But it looks like you met through work/made connections through work unless you've been best friends for years and happen to be in the same industry albeit in different jobs.

I think (saying the above) sometime a friend you make that way (e.g. through work) - even though you say she's your best friend, they'll always be trying to get one up on you whether they're painting it in a different light to you/the interviewees.

The interview stuff sounds bizarre. Your friend raving that you needed the job could well have undermined your position.

She didn't miss a beat in applying and taking the job so I wouldn't hesitate to cancel.

Personally, I'd cancel. I'd treat the friendship as pretty much over.

She wasn't job hunting. You were. You found and told her about it as a friend that you were applying for it to get out of your awful situation, and then she did, too. And sounds like she exaggerated her role to get it.

Hard lesson for you, OP. Keep your cards close to your chest when job hunting.

Just seen that it is a group weekend. In that case, go by all means but interact with her as little as possible apart from civilities.

If she tries to talk to you about the job etc then grey rock her. You could, but this is very much a risk take on your half, say "I really wanted this job, you know this but applied, if you feel like not taking it and giving me a shot at getting it, that could be a compromise but you have to understand how betrayed I feel that you've gone for this job, which you'd not have known about had I told you". She might just avoid this. You could also say "please put in a good word for me once you're there".

She then has two opportunities to put this right and it'd only be on this basis that I'd even consider staying friends. Or I'd cut off contact or dial back a lot, the friendship.

OP there is something that doesn’t add up here. If your friend is less qualified for this role, why did they bother to apply for it?

Did they lie to the recruiter about their own skills and experience? Or have they been downplaying their skills and experience to you? These days, most workplaces do not give detailed references. She could have bullshitted herself into the role and is hoping to make it work once she starts.

If an interviewee talked extensively about another candidate, as someone who has been recruiter it would raise a red flag for me.

Yes she can apply for any job she wants but I would never do this to one of my friends.

Another job will come up OP and it will be a bigger and better opportunity, use this to spur you on.

It's also given you an opportunity to see your friend in a different light. I'd get the weekend out of the way with her then start to cool things off.

Thing is - what's the point of the friendship if you're "best friends". what do you share/don't share?

It'd be very different if OP had told her friend, I'm applying for this job, and after some thought her friend had told/asked her "I'm applying for this job too". Then it doesn't seem so underhand. But this way and the other stuff her "bestie" has told the interviewers about OP is really underhand but she's obviously said it to "try and show her friend in a good light", whereas OP's not stupid and knows it isn't said in that way. OP's friend needs to be professional and not try to make herself look good to an interviewer.

She is no friend.

Note she didn't tell you she applied or was even going to apply. You heard it through the recruiter.
Her supposedly bigging you up was in reality subtly undermining you to them.

Cancel or rebook the weekend away. There is no way I'd spend any more time with her. I wouldn't care how much it cost me.

It's a hard lesson to learn but never tell anyone you're applying for anything.

I'm wondering if the friend "borrowed" some of your experience for her application and interview as it's odd they chose the candidate with a less well matched skill set. And the singing your praises might have been a last minute panic that she might be out of her depth if she got the job. Or guilt. Or a contrived way of making sure you wouldn't be too cross with her because she said such loooovely things about you. Or perhaps all three.

Yes it's a free country, technically no reason not to apply. But morally, it's nasty.

Has she shown signs of being jealous of you in other ways? Do you think she feels inferior? Or is she someone who always likes to make sure she's the Queen Bee?

I would cancel the event with her. I dont think I would like to spend a moment with a person like that, I'd probably just cut her out altogether Why was she discussing you with the recruiter anyways? Sounds like she was doing a lot of stuff behind your back. No friend of yours!