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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

753 replies

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 08:46

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

OP posts:
plinkypots · 17/09/2022 11:58

You need to get food poisoning the Thursday before the trip. Like hell would I be going. That friendship is over. Or do the right thing and tell her straight you're hurt and just can't. She's toxic.

InsomniacVampire · 17/09/2022 12:00

@Champagnesupamother ALso dont feel, if oyu end up going with her (which I really woulnt) prtend you'r ehappy for her. She will probbaly go along the lines Im so sorry I knew you wanted the job but blahblahblah, Id just call her out on everything. Do't give her imrpession you're happy for her or whatever else, why give her the satifsaction.

honeylulu · 17/09/2022 12:02

Oh god I've just read @madasawethen comment and I think that is right. She made it sound like you were desperate for the job - not a good look.

I'd keep her well at arm's length from now on. Find a way to get out of the weekend. Look for another (better) job elsewhere so by the time this company offers you a role (supervised by "friend") you can turn your nose up at it. Though if she's really not qualified for it she might not make it through probation and they'll ditch her and offer it to you. Now THAT would be good karma!

PerkingFaintly · 17/09/2022 12:02

Don't tell her anything about your feelings!

You already know she takes things you've said and uses them behind your back to your disadvantage!

Do pull out of the weekend.

It sounds like you won't enjoy it, plus it gives her scope to pick up more material for sly little comments about you (desperate, needy, petty, bad loser , emotional, etc).

I'm rarely an advocate for deception, but in this instance I think you have to protect yourself against her. Either Covid the weekend as PP have suggested, or be breezy and uninformative.

You: "Sorry, can't make this weekend. Something's come up."
Sly friend: "Why, what, how could you, you're being weird about the job aren't you?"
You: "Oh I just got a better offer for that weekend. Maybe another time. Hope you have a lovely one if you go."

Don't be drawn!

And the above has the virtue of being true. Spending the weekend with yourself, is a better offer than spending the weekend with her!

Holidayhavanas · 17/09/2022 12:03

Can you get her a refund on what she’s paid for your trip and un-invite her? You have every right to not want her as a friend and no point going through a painful and fake weekend. She has been completely out of order and you really deserve more than having someone like that in your life.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 12:04

Frankly? The job was open to anyone so she applied because why not?

I agree. There is nothing wrong with applying for the same job, and it sounds like she won it fair and square. You sound petty saying she's not as good a fit as you would have been - she clearly impressed them in interview. A job that is open to anyone to apply for is fair game. In the future, if you don't want other people to apply for the same job as you, don't mention the job to other people in the same industry!! I do think you (and other posters on here) are being harsh to the OP's friend who was told about a job that sounded great and she applied and was successful in her application. The employers made their decision and they chose her over you.

dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwas · 17/09/2022 12:07

That is absolutely outrageous behaviour! You poor thing. I’d be so upset. You should definitely treat yourself to wine / chocolate / a new bath bomb or whatever it is you like.

She is a terrible friend, I’m sure you have much nicer people in your life who wouldn’t so that. Good luck on the next job🤞

JustDanceAddict · 17/09/2022 12:09

Happened to me once years ago but for a summer job. it really pissed me off but we’re still friends. I vowed never to tell friends about jobs unless I wasn’t applying for them myself.

ICanHideButICantRun · 17/09/2022 12:11

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

There is no way she didn't include a "But..." or "It's such a shame that..." if she was singing your praises in an interview. That in itself is a really weird thing to do, so she must have been doing it to say, "You think she's suitable but I know she's not..."

TheKingsInk · 17/09/2022 12:12

Don’t bow to pressure to work extra hours etc
At 5pm (or whatever time your hour is to leave) pack up, say good night and walk out the door and keep doing it and then others will follow and then the expectation to do more and more above your contract will lessen.
Be the leader not the moaner

jays · 17/09/2022 12:19

She’s not your friend. Dump her.

iRun2eatCake · 17/09/2022 12:23

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Sound's like she will be in way over her head.

When she comes crawling for help, show her tge same disregard she has shown you.

She is not a friend and you're relationship will never recover

daretodenim · 17/09/2022 12:24

I think it’s very odd to mention another candidate in interview, whether to sing their praises or anything else. As an interviewer I wouldn’t be hugely impressed with this. Makes me feel unsure about the company if this is truly how things went.

Firstly OP, she's not a friend.

Secondly, the copied text above. It sounds like a) the company don't know what they're doing if they hired someone with her experience/skill set for your role. b) They are apparently inexperienced enough/insufficiently good enough at reading and understanding people that they were comfortable with her talking about you in her interview. It's crazy! Who even does that?!

You've discovered your friend really isn't your friend, which is awful, but you've also seen that this start up has some very unprofessional aspects to it. You're better off not working there OP.

Onwards and upwards.

Oh and bin the weekend. Even if you lose money, wouldn't you rather to pay not to be around her then pay to be in her company?

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 12:24

Not read whole thread as rather long, but I agree it's pretty shitty.

Sure, it's a job in the public domain and not 'yours'. Same as how the fiance your friend split up with last week is single and not 'hers'.

Me and a friend both went for the same job years ago without knowing. I got it and it was pretty awkward despite no enduring hard feelings. But neither of us would go for a job we'd heard about through a friend that was applying.

daretodenim · 17/09/2022 12:26

Also please don't feel pressure to "be nice" and answer any direct questions from her about your job, or to get involved in any conversation about it (from which she'll be gathering info she needs). It's definitely coming. She's shameless.

FirewomanSam · 17/09/2022 12:26

The nature of my industry means that I go up against friends for job interviews all the time. We have to get over it and can’t be precious about it because we all know that’s how it works, there aren’t many jobs/promotions available and we can’t all be successful, and we are always genuinely happy for whoever gets it and know they’ll be the same when it’s our turn.

HOWEVER. I would never, ever apply for a job that a friend had told me about, behind their back. If I decided to apply then I would be telling them, as a courtesy. And in all my many, many interviews when I’ve known friends are going to be interviewed right after me, I have NEVER talked about them in my own interview or gone on about how desperate they are for the job. That is completely out of order and really sly!

wheredidIleavemystyle · 17/09/2022 12:26

I wouldn't go on the weekend. She's just trashed your friendship and the weekend is collateral damage.

What you're feeling is betrayal.

dianthus101 · 17/09/2022 12:27

Your friend has been very underhand and sly. Not only was it very sneaky to apply for the job in the first place (given she only knew about it via you) but I would also be very suspicious about what she said about you in her interview. It was very inappropriate for her to say anything and hard to believe that she did it for your advantage. The posters who think she has done nothing wrong are probably pretty sneaky and underhand themselves.

Upwiththelark76 · 17/09/2022 12:28

That was a really shitty thing to do . I dont think I could get past it in all honesty . However, paint a smile on be the better person for the sake of your trip away then reassess after

Diverseopinions · 17/09/2022 12:28

It doesn't sound friendly of her at all, and it's not surprising that you are upset. You are getting some good advice on this thread, though.

The thing I don't quite understand is how she would be talking about you - somebody they don't have prior knowledge of either - in her job interview? Was she actually speaking about you ......or was she thinking about your profile and describing herself in those terms, and as having all of your attributes? It doesn't sound very professional, and also sounds informal, for an interviewer to have that much scope to digress from the script and to give your friend time to talk about someone else. I'm a bit confused, sorry.

It seems, on the face of it, that £10k more, is quite a big jump up. I wonder if this is a sort of niche or arty role, for which they are setting their own requirements, somewhat out of step with other similar companies in their industry. It seems a bit unusual for your friend to have not really had relevant experience and to get the job, and for you to have been on an unfairly low-paid wage and yet this job is similar to yours, but pays a lot more. I wonder if they are looking for something a bit unique and the situation is more than it sounds at face value.

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 12:30

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 12:04

Frankly? The job was open to anyone so she applied because why not?

I agree. There is nothing wrong with applying for the same job, and it sounds like she won it fair and square. You sound petty saying she's not as good a fit as you would have been - she clearly impressed them in interview. A job that is open to anyone to apply for is fair game. In the future, if you don't want other people to apply for the same job as you, don't mention the job to other people in the same industry!! I do think you (and other posters on here) are being harsh to the OP's friend who was told about a job that sounded great and she applied and was successful in her application. The employers made their decision and they chose her over you.

Out of interest, would you say the same about somebody shagging their mate's ex-fiance who they split up with a week previous?

I mean, they're single and back in the dating arena, right? 🤷‍♀️

OriginalUsername3 · 17/09/2022 12:30

It's really shitty of her!

But you can't alienate her. Otherwise you alienate yourself from the job. She's your door in now so pull up your big girl pants and sing her praises, and let her pull you in.

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 12:33

And no way did she sing your praises in the interview, OP. It would be weird and given that she got the job I can't see it.

Unless they somehow knew you were friends and asked her, at which point she might conceivable say something nice.

I'm actually a bit angry on your behalf.

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 12:35

OriginalUsername3 · 17/09/2022 12:30

It's really shitty of her!

But you can't alienate her. Otherwise you alienate yourself from the job. She's your door in now so pull up your big girl pants and sing her praises, and let her pull you in.

Fuck this. There's no way I'd want to desperately kiss her arse in the hope of being thrown some scraps.

Ladyofthelake53 · 17/09/2022 12:37

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 12:04

Frankly? The job was open to anyone so she applied because why not?

I agree. There is nothing wrong with applying for the same job, and it sounds like she won it fair and square. You sound petty saying she's not as good a fit as you would have been - she clearly impressed them in interview. A job that is open to anyone to apply for is fair game. In the future, if you don't want other people to apply for the same job as you, don't mention the job to other people in the same industry!! I do think you (and other posters on here) are being harsh to the OP's friend who was told about a job that sounded great and she applied and was successful in her application. The employers made their decision and they chose her over you.

Fuck me I'm glad you are not my "friend" ever heard of loyalty.....clearly not