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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

753 replies

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 08:46

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

OP posts:
TiredbutHappee · 18/09/2022 17:49

I think you’d be a saint not to feel upset about this.

VioletWitchery1 · 18/09/2022 17:51

Quite honestly I think I'd struggle to be a friend with her at all after this. She took advantage of you trusting her enough to tell her about the job and then decided she didn't care enough about you and went for it herself. I'd be absolutely fuming and I think that I'd be closing down that friendship asap. I know other women like this and can never understand them. Cut her off.

IsobelElsie123 · 18/09/2022 17:52

I agree, she got the job on offer not your job. Sounds like you have been promised a role next year. Anyway, start ups are always risky so you may be better hanging on for a few more months.

Katekeeprunning · 18/09/2022 17:52

Whilst of course she can apply for any job, I feel this is very sneaky of her and I wouldn’t be able to move past it

pinkpantherpink · 18/09/2022 17:53

YANBU. I'd be gutted and wonder whether she rated some of your achievements as hers. Sorry. But that happened to a friend od mine. Gutting

Jack80 · 18/09/2022 17:53

I would cancel the trip or see if you can invite someone else so you don’t have to just speak to her. I would’ve trust her again as she would’ve have know about the job unless you had told her. It is envy you have but it’s a mean thing to do especially if she never informed you she was applying.

Rosie22xx · 18/09/2022 17:53

A real friend wouldn't have chosen to compete against you. Agree you cannot trust her. Did she tell you she applied? Did you say you didn't mind? If it was a mutual agreement it's fine, but if she did it behind your back, it's totally not fine. I wouldn't be so close anymore and stop sharing your business, just begin to distance yourself. She knew your circumstance and how bad you wanted out of your job and looking forward to the new one. Its a real messed up situation. And by the sounds of it, they would've gone for you if she never applied. She's basically taken your opportunity away from you.

Damnautocorrect · 18/09/2022 17:54

What a bitch. Why compete for it?

Thinking2022 · 18/09/2022 17:54

reading this made me feel so very sad for you. It must feel so very sad. You can still be friends but remember never ever share information again until you have secured the job you want. Be as gracious as you can as the world is a small place. Your professional paths may cross again so don't expose your anger or anguish to her. Try hard to move on and honestly a better door will open soon

jazzchilli · 18/09/2022 17:54

Why did she need to even mention you in her interview, it's not relevant? The only possible reason would be so she could say something to push you out of the running. Telling them how great you are, then following up with how desperate you are for another job, is next level. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Augustmummy · 18/09/2022 17:55

of all the jobs in the country she could have applied for for and she applied for this one. Sorry but what a nobhead - the job was off limits when you said you were applying. As a friend I don’t see why she did this. Was it an amazing once in a lifetime job? Why did she need to go for it- I’d be livid myself. Bin her. Bin the company. Move on.

Whatsthepointofmosquitos · 18/09/2022 17:55

Yanbu. That’s a very tough situation, I’d be so upset.

I once mentioned a promotion opportunity to a colleague I thought was a friend. I’d already been verbally offered it by the boss. Guess who ran off to soeak to the boss and guess who got the promotion ☹️

I now NEVER tell anyone about professional opportunities.

ExpectMore · 18/09/2022 17:59

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 08:57

I know it wasn’t ‘my’ job - but she wouldn’t have known about the opportunity had I not told her. We didn’t work together, and she doesn’t do this type of job so I didn’t think this would ever happen , it didn’t even cross my mind that my friend would apply too.

It's a tough one.

Did she tell you she was going to apply / once she had? If so that was your opportunity to share your concerns with her. If you did and she proceeded anyway, then it's not great in my books (albeit she's perfectly entitled to). If you didn't then she's less in the wrong (albeit I still wouldn't have personally applied) and you shouldn't be annoyed.

Also, why do you think you were the better candidate if they chose her despite your job roles being more closely aligned and you able to hit the ground running? It might be she's a better fit personality wise which likely means it's a lucky escape for you that you didn't get the role as despite being technically competent for the role, attitude and aptitude pay a big part and if you don't click it's no good for you nor the company (particularly a start-up).

It may also be that given they're a start-up she has skills / they belief she can develop skills that they know they'll need elsewhere / in the near future. Ie she may not have fitted the exact job spec so well but fits the overall needs of the company better

LizzieLoO37 · 18/09/2022 18:00

This exact situation happened to me years ago. Real friends don't do this to you. The trust is gone. Let the friendship die and move on. You wouldn't be happy working there now. Something better will come along. Hugs xxx

Zone2NorthLondon · 18/09/2022 18:03

Augustmummy · 18/09/2022 17:55

of all the jobs in the country she could have applied for for and she applied for this one. Sorry but what a nobhead - the job was off limits when you said you were applying. As a friend I don’t see why she did this. Was it an amazing once in a lifetime job? Why did she need to go for it- I’d be livid myself. Bin her. Bin the company. Move on.

Why is it off limits? Who gets to decide that…the OP? Let’s face it op would not want any competition so she’ll not be fair minded and say of course apply

Dibbydoos · 18/09/2022 18:05

She told them how great you are in her interview and she got the job cos they were reflecting on how supportive of you she is, which is an incredibly unbelievably lovely thing she did. That may be why she'll be your manager, cos the reality is you both landed jobs didn't you?!

I have to admit working for a friend wouldn't work for me, though :( But try it out, it might work out really well for you both. A few months will be up soon. Take a leaf outbof Gen Z attitudes and start working to the terms of your contract in your current job, just cos everyone else is a sap doesn't mean you need to and you can't be forced to do that either....

ConfusedAcademic75 · 18/09/2022 18:05

@Champagnesupamother

So here is my next kicker. We’re actually going away next weekend… I don’t want to cancel as it was my thing that I have invited her too. But I feel like I’m going to have to be super careful over anything I say… and that I’m going to have to feign that I’m happy for her. When I’m just so envious.

I don't understand. Why do you have to feign anything? That sounds like a shallow friendship if you can't share and discuss how you actually feel. I know with my friends a weekend away would be the perfect opportunity to talk it through and put things right, if you value the friendship more than the job that is. It's also possible she may open up and say she made a mistake etc.

Unless it's a meaningless and superficial friendship I would talk it through rather than lose the friendship for what's nothing more than a job (in a start up which may possibly hit difficulties and cease to exist....) at the end of the day

malificent7 · 18/09/2022 18:10

Dump her and tell her why.

2Hot2Handle · 18/09/2022 18:11

I couldn’t go away with a friend who had done this. You sound very lovely to try to be happy for your friend while you’re away, but you shouldn’t have to be.

You’re allowed to feel hurt and angry that a job you could have potentially had, that would have made such a big difference, has been offered to a friend who only knew about it, because you told them that you’d applied for it.

If she was telling people how much you needed the job, then she knew how much it meant to you, so why apply in the first place? Her words were manipulative and could have made you look desperate or undermined you, before you even got into the interview room. Why was she talking about you at all as part of this process?

ExpectMore · 18/09/2022 18:12

@Champagnesupamother

Re. working for your friend, isn't that the ideal scenario? I mean, surely that's much better then someone you don't know that you may end up not getting on with?l?

I've often recruited / been recruited by friends* as I've moved about in my career and I love it as it's worked really well - it's great being able to spend your time at work with your friends and from a professional sense, great knowing you'll not have any relationship issues and knowing "what your buying" in terms of capability etc.

*and many bosses have become friends (that I've subsequently recruited later) and similarly subordinates and vice-versa.

I really don't get the issue of working with / for a friend?

Bellysmackers · 18/09/2022 18:12

Even it it felt like a job I'd love - if it was a position my friend told me she was applying for and was excited about I just wouldn't apply - simply because if I were to get the job I'd feel awful on my friend. To me it's akin to a good friend telling me about a potential guy she's interested in and then me hitting on him and he reciprocates 😕

walkingismedicine · 18/09/2022 18:15

She's not a friend worth having, I wouldn't bother saying anything but just distance myself. I wouldn't bother with the trip and feign illness to cancel.

NattyNatashia · 18/09/2022 18:16

Assuming it was a single job i.e. not taking on a number of people and she only knew about it because you told her, then a true friend doesn't do this.

Bangolads · 18/09/2022 18:19

My friend did this to me in our early twenties and left the job after 6 months. I’ve made peace with it- we were VERY young. However if a friend did this to me now our friendship would be over.

Everyflippingusernameistaken · 18/09/2022 18:21

I'd be upset too if it happened to me. I think it would be difficult to remain friends. What a pity you told her about it.