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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

753 replies

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 08:46

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 20:50

Betrayal is not the act of applying for a job that’s openly advertised for all and has a recruitment agent on board.
The op has somehow thought her preference and wishes should be paramount to extent her friend shouldn’t apply. Op wrongly presumed the job was hers to take and assumed her friend would passively step back for her
Of course the friend was circumspect she knew op would over react,and she has

Yes - her friend was clearly right not to tell her that she was applying, if this is how she reacts!

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 20:52

Why do you refuse to answer the point and my previous questions? Genuinely do you have any friends?

Oh - almost missed this. Um, thanks for asking, but yes, of course I have a great many wonderful friends... I assume you do too?

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 20:55

*@Zone2NorthLondon
Oh my dear zone 2, genuinely these are questions. It's curious that you take them as insults.

I ask if you have friends as you seem not to realise that friendship is a different relationship to peers /colleagues - usually based on deeper trust and respect.*

@pipsquiggle, do you really not think your question to @zone2 (and I think to me too?), asking her whether she has any friends, sounds like an insult?!

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 20:56

Yes Op has wildly over reacted to a legitimate action, understandably the friend didn’t disclose her own plan. She rightly anticipated the outcome
All this girl code etc supposed rules. Made up and spurious What next pinky promise…

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 20:57

Well, everybody has their own idea of morals. If it was a once in a lifetime opportunity I might apply and tell friend I was. But just another job when I could probs find another? No, I'd value my friendship more and would steer clear.

If we'd both applied independently then that'd be different. Not the same as friend telling you they're really excited about a job and you thinking "oh, might try and grab that for myself".

You'd instantly know that by getting it there's no chance your friend would.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 21:02

Agree @TokidokiBarbie esp if you knew your friend had been miserable in her current job for three years. Such an underhand way of behaving on the part of the ‘friend’. Hopefully the job is worth the loss of her very close friendship - a best friend of many years is a hard thing to replicate.

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 21:02

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 20:56

Ok, we know you think it's reasonable that OP's friend went for the job. Do you think it's reasonable that OP distances herself?

I can understand it a bit better if your view is that sometimes you have to do what's best for number one, even if that might actively make things worse for a friend. In this situation it's just tough shit for the loser.

I'd find it harder to fathom if your view was that OP should be completely complacent and in no way frustrated that she'd gifted her friend an opportunity at her own expense by telling her the details.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 21:02

Ok, so asking/ stating do you have any Friends? Of course it’s a pejorative insult
it is meant to unsettle or upset in hope @surreygirl1987 and I don’t post or are less active
its a basic attacking tactic when you have exhausted rational posts or are feeling exasperated
There have been personally attacking posts that were deleted

I see it. It’s obvious.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 21:03

Then you get our point then, as ops friend did sabotage ops interview. She made her look weak and not reliable. If you agree that that is wrong, then you also agree that what the friend did was wrong.

Yes of course I get your point. I'm not 'stupid' as one poster so cleverly called me. However, I do wonder how exactly the friend make the OP look 'weak and unreliable'. Have I missed a post? I can't really be bothered to go back through all the posts tet again, but maybe you can quote the bit where the OP's friend made her look weak and reliable for me? Genuinely curious. All I saw was that apparently a vague, unquantifed and undefined 'everyone' said that the friend was 'raving' about the OP and allegedly said she 'needed' the job, but that the OP hadn't even had her interview by then, and the OP wasn't even sure that this was said in interview (she doesn't sound even sure about all that at all, actually!). If you can quote the friend definitely calling her weak and reliable in an attempt to sabotage her, then of course I will agree that the friend behaved badly and the OP is not unreasonable to be angry. I did not see this in the thread, however...

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 21:05

*Ok, so asking/ stating do you have any Friends? Of course it’s a pejorative insult
it is meant to unsettle or upset in hope @surreygirl1987 and I don’t post or are less active
its a basic attacking tactic when you have exhausted rational posts or are feeling exasperated
There have been personally attacking posts that were deleted

I see it. It’s obvious*

Oh of course it is. It's the kind of playground tactics one sees between schoolchildren. I love the 'not an insult, just a genuine question' bit.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 21:07

The friend got the job on her own merits, she clearly impressed the panel, she wasn’t gifted anything, as the appointment was not in the op gift. The panel score and appoint. They do that autonomously, the op has no leverage. One cannot diminish the friend achievement. It’s how interviews go. Usually Someone is the clear appointable candidate is this case it was the friend

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 21:07

Do you think it's reasonable that OP distances herself?

I think it's entirely upto the OP. If she is as bitter and jealous as she sounds, I doubt continuing the friendship would be good for anyone. I certainly wouldn't want a friend like that if I were the one who got the job. It may well be for the best for the OP to distance herself to be honest, for both their sakes, with such bad feeling on the OP's part.

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 21:09

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 21:07

Do you think it's reasonable that OP distances herself?

And you don't think it's at all a factor that she only heard about the job through the OP?

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 21:10

And with such underhand tactics on the part of the friend it’s probably better if the OP severs ties with her - there are far better ways that the friend could have behaved.

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 21:11

It just feels similar to somebody going and buying the wedding ring their friend had showed them. Its a free market after all, why shouldn't they?

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 21:12

Applying for a job isn’t underhand. It was open to all. Not application by invitation
Expecting a friend to step back is naive to say the least

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 21:12

And you don't think it's at all a factor that she only heard about the job through the OP?

No, that's ridiculous and incredibly childish. The job exists and is open to anyone to apply.

Jeez. I wonder if this is partly why women are so often left behind in careers. I wonder if men would behave like this. I read out bits to my husband earlier, and he couldn't believe that some women wouldn't apply to a job just because a friend told her about it and was applying too. It would be interesting to research these attitudes actually.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 21:13

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 21:12

Applying for a job isn’t underhand. It was open to all. Not application by invitation
Expecting a friend to step back is naive to say the least

Goodness, it’s all just going right over your head.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 21:14

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 21:14

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 21:12

And you don't think it's at all a factor that she only heard about the job through the OP?

No, that's ridiculous and incredibly childish. The job exists and is open to anyone to apply.

Oh well, if a man says it then it must be true.

BadNomad · 17/09/2022 21:15

TokidokiBarbie · 17/09/2022 21:11

It just feels similar to somebody going and buying the wedding ring their friend had showed them. Its a free market after all, why shouldn't they?

No, it's more like your friend showing you her dream house she just put an offer in for, then you go and put an offer in too and they give it to you.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 21:15

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 21:14

Yes.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 21:19

Oh well, if a man says it then it must be true

Oh don't be ridiculous. Of course i didn't say it must be true because he's a man - please don't put words into my mouth. I'm also not trying to pretend that a sample size of 1 has any bearing. I'm just musing the possibility of this being connected to gender attitudes. I'm actually really concerned that so many women on here would sacrifice their career progress in order to not potentially offend a friend (who might not have even got the job anyway, regardless of whether the OP's friend or not!). I'm wondering if it is an attitude shared by females. Would men do this (and by that, I mean the majority of men)? Could this be a reason for women being left behind in the workplace? Would be very interesting to research these attitudes.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 21:20

Again. Emphatically no. I’m not missing the point
and I see you’ve recommenced with the insults. Again
How very predictable

okytdvhuoo · 17/09/2022 21:22

OMG just dipped back into MN 9 hours later and Xone 2 is still arguing with everyone 😂 The OP will definitely move on from this before Zone does

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