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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

753 replies

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 08:46

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

OP posts:
Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 17/09/2022 18:56

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 18:53

*Sadly I think you are being unreasonable to be upset, though I understand how you feel.

You would not be upset if she had discovered the job on her own. You are annoyed because you told her and then she applied.

But its not reasonable to expect her not to apply, just because you also did.*

@newsaint I fully agree.

And STILL missing the point! Not the fact the "friend" applied to a job they were told about by the OP, who really wanted it, but that the "friend" didn't tell the OP what they'd done until they were "outed" by someone else. That was a betrayal of trust and friendship.The examples you have given up till now were completely different and bear no relationship to the OP's situation.

CakeMonster1 · 17/09/2022 18:57

NettleTea · 17/09/2022 09:32

this is horrible.
whats worse I think is her talking about you in her interview. Telling them that you needed the job - maybe that looked bad on you and made it look as if you were just desperate to leave a family business (which sometimes implies you were not qualified to hold that role in the first time) rather than keen to work for them. It also suggests that you bale rather that deal with problems, which Im sure is not the case.
I really dont understand what she was doing talking about you in her interview anyway. Why spend time allegedly bigging you up, if she wanted the role. I suspect sabotage

This!!!

I echo every word of this above.
Nobody goes into an interview and discusses another candidate, it's odd.

This person is no friend, she has backstabbed you. I would personally cancel the weekend, not sure what joy it can bring you to be honest when you'll be spending it with someone who went behind your back to apply for the job you told her you were so excited to apply for. Who then sat in an interview discussing you....she is NOT a friend.

A real friend would've helped you prep for the interview and cheered you on hoping you'd get the job. Not muscle in there.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 18:57

No point missed. At all. The point and I are as one

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 17/09/2022 18:59

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 18:55

the fake mirth 😂posters use to disguise their provocative goady posts is interesting too

I was actually just thinking that.

Can you answer my question then? Zone2 finds it too complicated

Would you sabotage a friend in an interview to get the job over them, knowing they are more qualified?

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 18:59

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 18:54

the fake mirth 😂posters use to disguise their provocative goady posts is interesting too

Oh it’s not fake - did you not comprehend that either?

Two key elements omitted from the post you quoted there @surreygirl1987

  1. The friend did not tell the OP she had applied for the post too.
  2. The friend told the interviewer that the OP needed the job.

Both completely inappropriate as well as being specific to the OP.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 18:59

And STILL missing the point!

Who is still (sorry, 'STILL') missing the point? Me? Or the poster that I quoted? Or both of us? Or Zone2? Or everyone that doesn't agree with you...?

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 19:01

Missing the point is catch all for how very dare you disagree with me

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 19:02

Missing the point - as in, you two appear to be defending a scenario which isn’t the same as the OP.

SofaLola33 · 17/09/2022 19:03

If I was in your shoes, I’d congratulate her and then walk away from the friendship! As would feel I couldn’t confide in her anymore, so what would be the point in continuing.

it’s very bizarre behaviour from someone who is suppose to be your friend. I could understand, maybe, if she was in the same role and actively looking but under these circumstances, nah! Surely, you expressed to her how much you needed out of current workplace!

Would be interesting to understand what made her more qualified 🧐 But I guess only time will tell on that one!!

Keep your head up and keep looking for a new job… Maybe this will have been a blessing in disguise

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 17/09/2022 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 17/09/2022 19:06

@surreygirl1987 going to answer my question? Or will it ruin your 'point'?

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 17/09/2022 19:06

Royalbloo · 17/09/2022 08:52

It doesn't sound like she did anything wrong. I'd be happy for her and apply for something else somewhere else.

Say congrats and move on if you can.

What??

she applied for a job that she only knew about because the OP told her she'd applied for it!

you just don't shit on your friends like that.

@Champagnesupamother I'm sorry, she's no friend!!

SofaLola33 · 17/09/2022 19:07

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 09:27

I’ve thought about cancelling and explaining I need the weekend to job search but think that’s too petty to do.

I’d be this petty 🤣 with no shame! Especially as you basically had to drag it out of her that she applied!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/09/2022 19:07

"She ended up interviewing before me"

That means they prioritised her above you. Says all you need to know. Stop being so bitter.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 19:08
  1. The friend did not tell the OP she had applied for the post too.
  1. The friend told the interviewer that the OP needed the job.

Point 1 is entirely irrelevant. I don't tell everyone every job I apply for, whether someone else is applying or not. My career and my business.

Point 2 I agree is odd. But the recruitment consultant apparently said her friend had 'raved' about her. And the OP admitted she didn't even know if this was in the interview- she seems to have no idea what had actually gone on. If the OP doesn't know, we certainly don't! IF there was any mention of the OP at any stage, that is certainly unprofessional, but I'd be inclined to blame the recruitment process rather than the friend, without knowing more. We have no idea what the OP's friend's side of this is.

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 19:09

No, it means her interview slot was earlier in the day.

Johnnysgirl · 17/09/2022 19:10

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/09/2022 19:07

"She ended up interviewing before me"

That means they prioritised her above you. Says all you need to know. Stop being so bitter.

I'm more confused than ever now at how the "she talked about how good I was and how badly I needed the job" played out. They hadn't even met you yet, op??
How and why did she wangle another candidate's name into proceedings at all?

Ladyofthelake53 · 17/09/2022 19:12

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/09/2022 19:07

"She ended up interviewing before me"

That means they prioritised her above you. Says all you need to know. Stop being so bitter.

Rubbish.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 19:13

Given the op spectacular over reaction I can see why her friend was circumspect
The friend was under no compulsion to disclose her intentions to op.none whatsoever
op has presumed that her own individual needs,preferences should have stopped friend from applying . Presumed the friend knowing the backstory would step back
she didn’t tell op because

  1. she is not obliged to disclose her application
  2. friend probably predicted op would be cross and exert pressure not to apply
surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 19:13

Would you sabotage a friend in an interview to get the job over them, knowing they are more qualified?

I would certainly never "sabotage" ANYBODY to get a job. But we do not know that that is actually what happened at all, do we, in this circumstance. Someone else applied for the job the OP wanted and she's upset that she didn't get it.

Qualification is irrelevant - I've gone up against people who others believed were more 'qualified' and beaten them. I've also lost out to people who I've felt are less qualified than me (I have a PhD in my field) ... but I've never been bitter and angry with the person who got the job - not their fault they were seen as the better candidate! Actually, research shows that women are more likely to bot apply for jobs because they don't feel qualified enough, whereas men are more likely to apply for jobs they are less qualified for (and end up getting!). I aim high now. If the company see me as qualified enough, that's their choice. If they don't, fair enough.

Johnnysgirl · 17/09/2022 19:14

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 19:13

Given the op spectacular over reaction I can see why her friend was circumspect
The friend was under no compulsion to disclose her intentions to op.none whatsoever
op has presumed that her own individual needs,preferences should have stopped friend from applying . Presumed the friend knowing the backstory would step back
she didn’t tell op because

  1. she is not obliged to disclose her application
  2. friend probably predicted op would be cross and exert pressure not to apply

So why spend the interview time telling the interviewers how great op is?

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 17/09/2022 19:14

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 19:08

  1. The friend did not tell the OP she had applied for the post too.
  1. The friend told the interviewer that the OP needed the job.

Point 1 is entirely irrelevant. I don't tell everyone every job I apply for, whether someone else is applying or not. My career and my business.

Point 2 I agree is odd. But the recruitment consultant apparently said her friend had 'raved' about her. And the OP admitted she didn't even know if this was in the interview- she seems to have no idea what had actually gone on. If the OP doesn't know, we certainly don't! IF there was any mention of the OP at any stage, that is certainly unprofessional, but I'd be inclined to blame the recruitment process rather than the friend, without knowing more. We have no idea what the OP's friend's side of this is.

The op said everyone was raving about her friend, everyone isn't just one person, i.e the recruiter.

So even the interviewers knew what the friend said, saying how great op is.

So would you do that to a friend, sabotage their interview?

SirChenjins · 17/09/2022 19:15

@surreygirl1987
point 1 - if you are saying that you wouldn’t tell your very close friend that you’d applied for the same job she’d applied for even though she’d told you she had them I think that’s a very low way to run a close friendship. There are better ways of behaving.
point 2 - let’s assume that the OP is telling the truth, base our responses on that rather than an reimagination of what the friend might have done, and that the friend did indeed say that to the panel. That’s a shitty, very unprofessional thing to do.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 19:17

Sabotage is a purposeful act of damage and harm to influence an outcome
Applying for a post and being circumspect is not sabotage in the least
Sabotage and legitimate job interview are Two very different constructs

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 17/09/2022 19:17

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 19:13

Would you sabotage a friend in an interview to get the job over them, knowing they are more qualified?

I would certainly never "sabotage" ANYBODY to get a job. But we do not know that that is actually what happened at all, do we, in this circumstance. Someone else applied for the job the OP wanted and she's upset that she didn't get it.

Qualification is irrelevant - I've gone up against people who others believed were more 'qualified' and beaten them. I've also lost out to people who I've felt are less qualified than me (I have a PhD in my field) ... but I've never been bitter and angry with the person who got the job - not their fault they were seen as the better candidate! Actually, research shows that women are more likely to bot apply for jobs because they don't feel qualified enough, whereas men are more likely to apply for jobs they are less qualified for (and end up getting!). I aim high now. If the company see me as qualified enough, that's their choice. If they don't, fair enough.

Then you get our point then, as ops friend did sabotage ops interview. She made her look weak and not reliable. If you agree that that is wrong, then you also agree that what the friend did was wrong.