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Original poster

To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

753 replies

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 08:46

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

OP posts:
IAmAReader · 17/09/2022 14:58

This is awful, she doesn't sound like a best friend at all. The term I used in my youth 'frenemy' comes to mind, they are literally the worst people to have around you, it's better to have all out enemy than a' frenemy' because the latter will just confuse and gaslight you since you're not really expect them to sabotage you like that.

And sabotage is exactly what she did by not only applying to that job behind your back, but also by talking about you in that way during the interview. She knew full well what she said wouldn't be helpful to the way they saw you, and if she really did want to secure the job for you, she wouldn't have a. applied for it and b. spoke about you during her interview.

I've always had a thing about not disclosing to many people what job I'm applying for, but after reading this I think 'not many' will now be zero. I can't imagine any of my close friends would pull a stunt like this but as PPs have said, it could be they innocently mention it to someone else.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 14:58

I completely agree with @zone2.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 14:59

Oh dear such hyperbole cut throat,expect no loyaltyYou’re not reviewing the apprentice
You're expecting adult adherence to a made up set of BFF rules. That is simply silly
Adults can and do pursue their own needs,ambitions without seeking permission or being deferential and subservient to their friends
An actual friend would not seek or expect sacrifice to put them in an advantageous position
Anyone expecting sacrifice isn’t a friend, they’re an acquaintance

InFiveMins · 17/09/2022 14:59

She's not your friend.

I would cancel the weekend away with her.

okytdvhuoo · 17/09/2022 15:00

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 17/09/2022 14:31

You are spectacularly missing the point. Of course friends in the same field may find themselves going up against each other for the same job, that's not unexpected, and the best person should win, obviously. However, applying for a job that you only heard about because a friend who doesn't think you're in the same field told you they were excited about and desperate to get, and not telling that friend you had applied for that same job until they found out circuitously and asked you about it, and incidentally deliberately sabotaging them on the way, is NOT an adult way to progress, whatever you may think. It's shitty behaviour however you look at it.

Show quote history

Yes I was going to add this – I could imagine a scenario of a competitive industry or organisation, a friend who’s a peer in terms of industry and career (I’m thinking particularly of friends from work and study early on in my career, working in the corporate world and job hopping through big organisations) – you might find yourself competing for a role that’s opened up. Fine.

For various reasons, it doesn’t sound like this sort of scenario in the OP’s post. And if it were, this MO (deceit by omission, slyly patronising the OP in the interview, quietly taking note of the details then applying behind her back, etc.) would not be the way to go about it. Yes, technically it’s not a crime to sneak around either and stitch someone up either but it’s about trust, and these are not the actions of a friend.

Redqueenheart · 17/09/2022 15:04

She is not your friend.

A friend would never have applied for a job she had no knowledge of or interest in until you mentioned the role to her, especially when she knew how much it meant to you to get out of your current work situation.

Ditch the friend as you now know she can't be trusted and find yourself a new job at a different company.

As for those who suggest that the friend did nothing wrong, check your moral compass...

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 15:05

We only have op account that’s it’s all soooo unfair etc
Fact is, the friend was appointed. The op is unable or unwilling to accept it. Inevitably the friendship will diminish.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 15:07

Of course anyone can apply for any job they see fit, however, you should probably let your best friend know, particularly if they were one who alerted you to the vacancy in the first place

I wonder why the friend didn't feel comfortable telling OP she was also applying for the job, and I wonder if it says more about the OP than about the friend.

I once applied to speak at a conference, which I only knew about because a friend had mentioned that he was applying. We were directly competing for a speaker slot. Thankfully we both got accepted, but I didn't tell him I'd applied until this had been announced. If I hadn't got accepted, no good would have come out of having told him, as he is the possessive type who always has to be the best, and gets jealous when anyone does better than him, and I was worried that he would turn on me and make things difficult for me. Just because he was the once who mentioned the conference didn't mean he 'owned' it. I was perfectly free to apply, and got accepted fairly. If I had posted this on mumsnet at the time, I bet the majority of people would have encouraged me to apply.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 15:08

My moral compass is wholly in tact. I don’t abide by a whimsy set of made up BFF rules. Girl code is simply a social construct to control women. Friendship isn’t a giving things up competition. A friend wouldn’t expect a sacrifice, they’d be able to weigh up events, live with a potentially disappointing outcome, like an adult.

MacaroniBaloney · 17/09/2022 15:10

From you last update I can't imagine she's going to last 5 mins the new job. I was an underwriter once and it's a massively different role to a collection role. I can't believe they hired her. She must have embellished her current role and CV hugely.

HCPiss · 17/09/2022 15:12

This is why I don’t say anything about anything until AFTER the event as you know not everyone is genuinely happy for you, especially so-called friends. She has not acted like a true friend. I’d sack her off, she’ll know why.

Summerslam · 17/09/2022 15:13

I work for a toxic "we're all family" company and I appreciate how much you were looking forward to getting away from it. Your friend has done the dirty on you, however she tries to spin it. I would be really hurt and angry. Why couldn't she wait until you had been interviewed and got the job offer, before applying herself?

She's not a friend, let alone a best friend.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 17/09/2022 15:17

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 15:08

My moral compass is wholly in tact. I don’t abide by a whimsy set of made up BFF rules. Girl code is simply a social construct to control women. Friendship isn’t a giving things up competition. A friend wouldn’t expect a sacrifice, they’d be able to weigh up events, live with a potentially disappointing outcome, like an adult.

Still missing the point.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 15:24

No. Point is not missed. I simply disagree, that’s v different
out of interest do you teach your children these friendship rules, that friendship is measured by giving things up. One must be seen to be nice, after all

Sallyh87 · 17/09/2022 15:24

The ‘friend’ sounds horrid, yes by all means anyone can apply for any job but to specifically apply for one that a close friend has informed you about and told you that they really want is very cold. This is not someone that I would want to associate with.

I don’t think is anything to do with ‘girl code’, @Zone2NorthLondon , it’s basic common decency to be expected of any adult.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/09/2022 15:24

Champagnesupamother · 17/09/2022 09:05

The recruitment consultant repeated a few times how much my friend raved on about me, and how I needed the job. So I think possibly she did mention it in the interview but I don’t know for sure. You

"I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me."
I very much doubt she would be managing you. She won the job at interview, but does not appear to have the skills / experience to actually do the job - and hence to keep it. But as for this potential of a job next year - I'm not sure I'd consider that likely. They employ people who don't have the right skills over people who do. Is this 'small ethical startup' likely to still be in business next year? I wouldn't put money on that.

"Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job… "
Apart from the recruitment consultant, who is 'everyone'? You shouldn't have any knowledge of what was said during her interview, that is seriously unprofessional of the recruiter. Even more unprofessional that hiring someone without the requisite skillset over someone with. A shitshow all round.

And why on earth would she be talking about you at her interview? Why would they be listening to her singing your praises and not leading her back to talking about what SHE would bring to the job? This all just makes no sense.

To sum up -

  1. She's not your friend
  2. This small ethical startup sounds like a bunch of amateurs
  3. The recruitment consultant is an arse who breaches confidentiality
Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 15:26

Maybe the op is aggrieved and presenting her a skewed interpretation
Either way, op is not able to maintain the friendship, it’s a lose - lose situation

waffless · 17/09/2022 15:31

Never tell your plans to anyone.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 17/09/2022 15:34

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 15:24

No. Point is not missed. I simply disagree, that’s v different
out of interest do you teach your children these friendship rules, that friendship is measured by giving things up. One must be seen to be nice, after all

My own child has repeatedly gone up against her partner in competition for the same job, as they work in the same field. The difference being that they are both aware of what they are doing and not going behind each other's backs.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 15:34

I'm always suspicious of people who claim that they could do the job way better than the other person. In that case, why was the other person hired? Were they that bad in interview? Is there some other factor (reputation?)? Is it a bad reference? Or do they have an iverinflsted sense of how much better they are in comparison to the other candidate? Whichever way, you both applied and the company chose the other candidate, and you are bitter about it. I would use it as a learning point instead - if you seriously think you were the better candidate by far, find out exactly why you weren't appointed. You mentioned not being the best 'fit' for the company. So find out more about what this entails and how you could improve for the future.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 15:37

The difference being that they are both aware of what they are doing and not going behind each other's backs.

😂 it's not the school playground! I often don't tell friends when I apply for jobs. It would be weird for a SPOUSE not to, but I can't see why friends need to share details of their professional applications with one another, even if they are applying for the same posts. And if the OP's friend HAD told her, I bet the OP would still have been furious, rather than saying 'okay, good luck!' I really don't think that's the core of the issue.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/09/2022 15:38

No one is obliged to reveal if they’re applying for same job as a friend. There is no requirement to disclose your plans to a friend. You don’t need permission so no you don’t need to disclose. Hyperbole about sneaky and behind back adds a conspiratorial dynamic that really isn’t there, probably make an interesting story at best but in RL it’s irrelevant

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 15:39

a really good opportunity taken from me.
No. Nothing was 'taken' from you. You just weren't the successful candidate.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2022 15:40

Hyperbole about sneaky and behind back adds a conspiratorial dynamic that really isn’t there, probably make an interesting story at best but in RL it’s irrelevant
Exactly. So bizarre! I would love to hear the OP's friend's side of the story.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 17/09/2022 15:41

She is no friend. I'm not sure I'd trust her now and I'd probably say you're feeling ill, or just really down and that you can no longer make the trip, then distance yourself from her.

If they do offer you a job next year, don't cut off your nose to spite your face, and in the meantime keep looking!