To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

[Champagnesupamother]

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

And I think moving forward , I won’t view the friendship the same way.

^ this. She has been a bit of a bitch to screw you over, equally I don’t tell other people about jobs I’m going for - colleagues or friends as they might have a much closer friend that they think this would be perfect for

What this episode tells you is that of it suits her she will screw you over - step back from this friendship & play any interview cards close to your chest in future

I’ve thought about cancelling and explaining I need the weekend to job search but think that’s too petty to do.

I would just phone and say "weekend's off" no explanation no nothing. Her raving on about you and how much you need a job? patronising fucker. Not a friend.

That's no friend

Do cancel the weekend op evidently you’ll not be able to be with her, it’s all too fraught

@RedHelenB You don't go along to an interview to big another candidate up. That's just weird, unrealistic and not real life.

She got the job, she has clearly bigged herself up.

OP, I'd be backing right off from this friendship. Not sure what to do about the weekend away though.

Keep applying for other jobs, good luck.

You are spectacularly missing the point. Of course friends in the same field may find themselves going up against each other for the same job, that's not unexpected, and the best person should win, obviously. However, applying for a job that you only heard about because a friend who doesn't think you're in the same field told you they were excited about and desperate to get, and not telling that friend you had applied for that same job until they found out circuitously and asked you about it, and incidentally deliberately sabotaging them on the way, is NOT an adult way to progress, whatever you may think. It's shitty behaviour however you look at it.

I think you’re naive to think that this move wouldn’t damage or end a friendship, personally. AIBU is good because you get a whole spectrum of opinions and can gauge the reaction as a whole to get a sense check on your judgement. There are all types of people (and relationships) in this world - it’s not one size fits all. I don’t need to convince you that my opinion’s right, it’s an opinion not a fact – it’s personal, and it’s my genuine reaction to the situation presented. The people I’m friends with may not be the type of people you’d like to be friends with and vice versa.

Nope, no one needs to forgo their own progression or happiness for a friend
a friend wouldn’t hold a gripe or grudge and they’d understand your motives

She is not a good a friend as you 5hink she is.

Just focus on your next step and don't share everything with her.

Do you all teach your kids these so called rules, be nice and forgo your wishes for someone else. It’s better to be an acquiescent doormat than be considered rude or a bad friend

No, but you would tell friend whom you knew was applying for the job. Why wouldn't you do that?

It has nothing whatsoever to do with being a 'nice girl', just not being an outright shit.

The thing is @Zone2NorthLondon OP's friend wasn't a uni mate or a colleague - if she was it would be totally normal for them to go for the same job.

The 'friend' was a confidante and was underhand in how she applied for the role.

your still expecting one person to forgo an opportunity to benefit their friend
friendship isn’t a giving things up competition. No one should expect or demand sacrifice from a friend

The people on this thread excusing the friend's behaviour sound like heartless robots, frankly. Where does "it's fair game" end? Gazumping your best friend when she's buying her dream home? Seeing that your friend's parents have divorced and then shagging her dad? I don't trust people who use the word "technically" in an argument - it generally means they know they're doing something dodgy.

The "friend" behaved horribly and I couldn't forgive it. I would cancel the weekend away and I wouldn't bother fibbing or trying to soften the blow for Sneaky Sally; I would tell her, with as little emotion as possible, that I no longer wanted to go away with her because the way she approached the job vacancy has broken my trust.

@Zone2NorthLondon you do understand that it's about the lack of transparency and not being honest with OP that's the issue here?

Of course anyone can apply for any job they see fit, however, you should probably let your best friend know, particularly if they were one who alerted you to the vacancy in the first place

That's a false dichotomy and you know it. There is a cavernous space between "spineless yes-man" and "complete arsehole with no regard for anyone".

I note your hyperbole take on this. Applying for a job that’s openly advertised is not the same as shagging friend dad. I appreciate you’re struggling to bolster a weak argument but the examples you give are more hollyoaks than recruitment

Zone2, I imagine then, as you're so upfront about it, any friends of yours will know that you are willing to be cut-throat and that they should expect no loyalty from you about well, anything.

That's fine. If you're upfront about it as you certainly are here, then there's no problem is there? Any friends that would want to not share opportunities with you would just not tell you about them.

Some friendship. I wouldn't want it but, we are all different. It's definitely a polarising view. I would never go after a friend's ex. Not ever. Some women think that anybody's ex is fair game. They're not but, some women view this differently.

Each to their own. Be clear though with your friends, so that everybody knows what your level is. Better that than find out.

You don't seem to be grasping that the OP's friend only heard about the opportunity because the OP told her.

She didn't find the vacancy herself or even approach the OP to let her know that she was applying too. She actively hid the fact that she had applied, which is sneaky and shite behaviour.

Tbh none of it makes sense.OP says this friend had way less skills and aptitude fir the job than she did yet the friend got it. I think it's a bit of sour grapes from OP that perhaps she's not as good as she thinks she is.

Out of interest do you all advise your daughters to step aside for friends? Forgo own wishes to please someone else. Be a nice girl who doesn't rock the boat,doesn’t put herself forward, prioritises others.

I tell my daughters to treat people with respect. If they were OPs "friend" in this scenario? they, as i would to, say "oh that sounds like a great job, i think i'll apply". And then if there was fallout? I would point out that life is a struggle sometimes, that nobody owns jobs that are advertised, and that the company are completely able to pick their own employees.

In this case? What would signal the end of the friendship for me is a) applying for a job they didn't know about, that they heard about from me and then didn't have the common courtesy to tell me.

But what would put the final nail in the coffin is talking about me at the interview. And i would have pointed that out to the recruiter at the time.

Chin up, OP, there are other jobs out there for you. As for the weekend? If it is really something you want to do, you can go and pay no mind to friend. If she tries to engage with you, noncomittal answer and walk away. But if you're a bit "meh" about it - the fallacy of sunk costs applies. Just ditch it.

Real friends can apply for the same job if both want it and the loser congrats the winner.

Every time I got promoted and/or priased for doing something great I just knew who my real mates were at work and those that were not.

If I did not get a job/promotion and someone else did, I'd say good luck to them and seek feedback and improve on any thing I could have done better

If my child hears about a job he wants one day but decides not to go for it because his friend wants it, I'd tell him not to be so daft. Nobody had a 'claim' to a job. And it's nothing like gazumping, to the poster who foolish tried to compare the two - there had been no job offer made and accepted... not even an interview or application! And if my child got the job and their friend seemed to think they'd somehow been betrayed, I'll tell HIM that his 'friend' wasn't a friend.

Loads of people go for the same jobs all the time. I've gone up against friends before. My colleague has even gone up against her husband for a job before! I'm shocked that people are being so harsh on the OP's friend who just wanted a better job, applied, proved herself to be the best candidate in interview, and got the job.

*Real friends can apply for the same job if both want it and the loser congrats the winner.

Every time I got promoted and/or priased for doing something great I just knew who my real mates were at work and those that were not.*

Exactly!!

Zone2 you're very invested in this thread and by defending the friend you have said a huge amount about your own character and behaviour. You sound very superior but the simple truth is you're in the minority. Accept it. It doesn't make you better. It makes you different.