To be grumpy that my friend got the job?

[Champagnesupamother]

After struggling at my current job for about three years (think toxic ‘we’re a family’, lots of pressure to go above and beyond your contractual employed hours for no reward but everyone does it so it’s expected.. low paid etc).

I finally decided enough was enough and I was super lucky to get an interview at another company that is a small start up, ethical and which had less hours. It would have been a 10k pay rise which meant a significant change to my circumstances. I was really excited and keeping all my toes crossed.
I told my best friend who I share pretty much everything with… and then she also applied too.

She ended up interviewing before me. Her interview ran 15 minutes over and though mine was an hour slot too, they wrapped things up at 45 mins to see the next candidate. Though my feedback was really positive and they will offer me a role, it just won’t be until possibly next year.

Instead my friend was successful. They just said right now she was a better fit, was more qualified. Which doesn’t make sense because I know that she isn’t. Her job is effectively collecting payments and receipts. while it is linked to my role, it isn’t the same as
her job and they will need to spent time training her. My current job and the new job would have been near identical roles. Meaning I could have hit the ground running.

Everyone was singing her praises because it seemed like much of what she said was all about how great I (as in me..) am at the job, and how much I (as in me) needed the job…

I feel really envious and almost like I’ve had the rug swept out from underneath of me and a really good opportunity taken from me. Though I know next year a job may be available, I don’t know if I would now accept it as effectively my friend would be senior to me and managing me.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
How do I handle the friendship from here as I feel so green faced. Is this even the real friendship that I thought it was?

Looking at your other post it's clear that you have your own sort of 'friends' (if you do) and you wouldn't hesitate to step on them.

We're not all the same and, thank fuck for that.

It's probs why repeated studies show that women don't collaborate as well as men and prefer male bosses over being led by another woman

studies? Which studies out of interest

The ones that show it. 🤷‍♀️👍

It’s really not unreasonable or unexpected to progress one own career. It’s not mercenary it’s not rude. It’s what one does to progress. I have genuinely never encountered the notion of stepping aside for a friend regard a job. I would not do it, nor have I been asked to. Wondering what roles or careers some of you are in that you’d forgo progression for a friend and expect them to reciprocate

Care to elaborate? What studies show women prefer to be led by men
HR?Psychology? Business
You must know, given you have readily recalled and are using it to support your position

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3080265-Women-prefer-working-for-male-bosses

Women dislike having a female boss at work even more than men do, a new study has revealed.

Nearly 40 per cent of female workers in America would rather be led by a man, a Gallup survey found.

In contrast, just 26 per cent of men would prefer a male boss.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2797279/women-dislike-having-female-boss-workplace-men-study-finds.html

CBS Local — A survey by MSN found that both men and women prefer to work with men rather than women in the workplace. The survey is believed to be as accurate as a scientific poll. Nearly 500,000 people supplied answers.

MSN found that 20 percent of men and 21 percent of women preferred to work with men, compared to just 6 percent of each men and women preferring to work with women.

minnesota.cbslocal.com/2017/08/04/men-women-work-study/amp/

A study found two women are less likely to cooperate than two men when one is more powerful than the other.

Similarly, two females of different rank are less likely to work together than a man and a woman.

The finding contradicts the widely held belief that women’s nurturing nature makes it natural for them to help each other out, while men are too competitive to have time for each other.

Harvard University researcher Joyce Benenson, one of the study’s authors, said that women’s instinctive distrust of females in power may make it more difficult for them to scale the career ladder.

www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2572235/Women-HATE-office-Females-operate-better-male-bosses-study-finds.html

That's just shitty, I couldn't stay friends.

I'm not one to bear a grudge, but I'd be really fed up with her if I were you. I would not keep her as a friend. It's a really mean thing that she's done.
I think I'd tell her I was disappointed that a 'friend' would betray me like this.
The weekend away's not going to be much fun. I wouldn't go.

What an underhanded, sneaky, mean thing to do. She would no longer be a friend of mine if I were in your shoes.

This happened to me OP but it happened with a family member (my cousin).

I told my cousin that I was going for a grad scheme and she offered to ‘help’ me prep. I did so much research and I spent hours in preparing. As part of the assessment we were told to think of an example case study/ innovative business idea. My idea was very niche.

At no point did my cousin tell me that she had also applied. So imagine my shock when I saw her at the assessment day. Her interview was before mine (surname comes before mine) and I suspect , though I don’t know for sure, she used the same example/idea I had prepared. I suspect this because by the time my interview came about, the recruiter told me that they had already seen this idea by another candidate earlier so it wasn’t innovative or novel anymore so asked me to think of another (I did but it wasn’t fab).

Unsurprisingly I didn’t get to the next round and they said that it was solely because of the lack of innovation of my idea. My cousin did get through to the next round and she had the audacity to actually ask me for help.
Fuck off.

It’s been years but I don’t speak to her anywhere near as much as I used to because I don’t trust her. It’s difficult cus I can’t cut her out because she’s family. But would I ditch the bitch if I could? Hell yeah. Which is what I would recommend to you OP. It’s not worth it.

Do you think they have possibly changed the role slightly after interview? Maybe she has potential and they could pay her less salary whilst they are starting up - then next year they can afford you?
I suspect there is more to the decision than you think, maybe spend the weekend away clearing the air and letting her know she hurt your feelings.

I agree with many other posters in that you have every right to feel the way that you do.

I suspect they your friends bigger you up to the Recruitment Consultant as a way to alleviate their guilt. The Consultant wants to keep the client happy so would be telling your friend that the client loved her, it wasn't your job, she was the best candidate.... etc

There was a similar thread ages ago, whereby someone told their mentor about a role and the mentor applied was got the job. The OP came back a while later and updated that they got a much better job and their ex mentor didn't last long in the company.

Out of interest do you all advise your daughters to step aside for friends? Forgo own wishes to please someone else. Be a nice girl who doesn't rock the boat,doesn’t put herself forward, prioritises others.

Why the actual FUCK did she go and apply for the same job after you’d told her you had applied for it.

Sorry OP but this is NOT normal, and she is NOT a good friend, or indeed even a friend at all.

Massive red flags. She is not someone to trust.

@Champagnesupamother why did you tell her! Isn’t there a rule that you don’t jinx things before they happen.
Depends on how much your friendship means and the history you have, has she ever gone above and beyond? Have you ever done anything shitty to her too that makes this feel less hurtful?
I think if she applied and didn’t tell you I’d cut her off but if she told you then you should have been like ‘hold on I found this, please give me a chance first’’

Because she actual fuck wanted the job too
op didn’t have first dibs and it’s naive to expect anyone to forgo a job for a friendship

Totally it’s completely sly. It’s not about being nice or alleviating guilt, it’s manipulative, calculating and sneaky.

It makes her look more in control in the dynamic between you, it’s condescending - a ploy to shape the interviewer’s perception of you both.

That is terrible, what a sneak and so galling for you! Don’t blame you for wanting to ditch her. Unreal.

Do you have many friends @Zone2NorthLondon ?

In reality who in their right mind applies for a job that their best friend had told them they’ve applied for and is their dream job??
No one, that’s who and theirs a reason for it. She stepped on you to get a leg up!

Wow. Sorry no friend would do that. I’d be ending the friendship as to me your friend doesn’t hold the same values as I do for being a true friend

I would be so fucked off if any friend of mine did that.

Obviously it wasn't 'your job' but equally she knew about your shitty career situation and that you were looking to get out.

For her to apply for the same job after you made her aware of it and her not to be completely transparent about it is just awful behaviour.

I would have to say something to her like
'I am finding it difficult to be happy for you in your new job. You didn't know about the position until I told you. You knew I really hated my current job and wanted to change role. You weren' t transparent and honest with me about applying for the position'

Oh OP I'd be so upset.

So your friend obviously knew you were struggling in current role and were v excited about this new opportunity.......she is a snake. You are not at all entitled. She was v underhanded and just simply untrustworthy and selfish.

Re the weekend away I think you should tell her how upset you are.......that is not about her getting the job per se.....but how she has acted is not how a friend should act....she pulled the rug from under you!
I could simply not enjoy a weekend away with her especially when you are feeling so raw fr the recent experience

Friends? Yup many from uni and via work we have applied for same jobs and courses too. It’s a non issue. Everyone does it.
I have never encountered such whimsy BFF antics as this in actual real life Only on mn are adults forgoing an opportunity for a friend, I wonder if it’s a virtue signalling competition. Honestly,I’d never ever apply for the same job. Ever ever
In actuality a friend would be realistic and understand and accept you both want same career progression