This type of whatsapp behaviour is an aggressive act - AIBU?

[oatmilkicedchai]

(Lighthearted)

It gives me anxiety - instant heart rate spike and all - when I write someone a message, or even a few short messages and they come online and read them instantly and start to reply. Because I don't like the idea of getting caught up messaging back and forth 'in real time' iykwim. Or heaven forbid that they try to call me whilst I am messaging them and they can see my status as online.

I know, I know, I am a bit silly and need to be more comfortable just going offline and setting boundaries 😂.

Can anyone relate to this, though?

I’m the same 😬

Not sure I understand what you are getting at here..

Well maybe it depends on the phone you have then because it 100% works on mine.

No, sorry, you are still incorrect @courgettigreensadwater . I invite you to go back an take a look at the screen shot you posted here, which even shows that you are talking about a different thing altogether. You posted a screenshot which clearly shows you are looking at the settings for 'last seen' because it says that at both the top and bottom of your screen shot.

'Last seen' is a status, and anyone can change the settings on that, yes. That is not what is in dispute. It is the 'online' setting which you cannot alter or change. The settings don't exist and WhatsApp gave an update which was in the news recently and also posted about on here, re how they are going to add this as a feature in the next couple of months.

So no, nothing to do with type of phone.

Are you this stubborn in your ignorance at work too? I would think you are quite hard to manage.

Totally get this. I've got one friend who see's I'm online and will try to call me. I don't answer and then send a msg saying 'I'm doing dinner' etc. I hate taking unexpected calls. Another friend see's me online and sends a 'Hi xxx' msg. I know she will go on and on so I don't reply sometimes. It then gets embarrassing as there will be half a dozen 'Hi xxx' msgs from her. So I then send a 'Hi xxx' msg back at a really odd hour so it doesn't look like I'm totally ignoring her but I know she won't be about to engage me in text convo. Madness!!!

What you’re looking for OP is called E-MAIL. It’s widely available.

I came back to check my comment wasn't totally harsh and you responded so thoughtfully OP, I'm not sure I deserved it! (Can also confirm that friends who have changed it so the two ticks don't go blue still show as "online" when they're looking at whatsapp, I see it at the top of a convo when I'm actually in it - it's at the top by their name.) Don't know whether that means they're actually in that chat reading, or just on the app.

I will sometimes put my phone down mid convo with the app open (my lock button is really stiff because I have a bomb proof case) and wish I could hands-free tell people I'm not really there and not to feel pressure 😆

Whatsapp groups though... I just get added to them without being asked and it is really, really hard to leave a whatsapp group. I've had to do it a couple of times and it is not an action that is easily forgiven! People take it personally even though it's just I hate 17 notifications on my phone every hour!

I just mute WA groups like that. Then they are no bother. Can just have a quick look from time to time if I feel like it.

Yes - I mute all group chats. Much easier.

A bomb proof case! Novel

So you don't just want the people you send messages to not feel obliged to reply straight away, you'd actively prefer it if they didn't reply straight away? And yet if they do reply straight away you feel that you have to reply immediately to them?

Have you thought of just ignoring the ... and yourself instigating a pause, so that it isn't a real-time conversation? You have that option too!

In my experience, it's that second reply back (the first person instantly replying to the second person's instant reply) that turns it into a real-time conversation that it's then hard to leave - not the second person's initial response (which may itself be driven by 'aaargh oatmilk will have seen the tick go blue immediately as she's online because she's only just written her message, so I had better reply or I'll look like I'm ignoring her').

Even if the first reply to you includes a question back, if you decide to pause a bit (even just 10 minutes, or an hour) before replying, then you will have exactly what you want - a non real-time conversation. You can make what you want happen just by doing that.

Also in my experience - I have replied quickly because I happen to be by my phone but have hoped that the other person wouldn't necessarily reply to my reply straight away. Not everyone who replies quickly is trying to start a live conversation.

OP have you seen the recent update that allows you to turn off online status?

Yep, you can definitely turn off your "online" status.

Hello, yes I have seen the update and changed my settings!

it has definitely provided some relief, although I still feel pestered and harassed

:(

Yes - a great recent update!