This type of whatsapp behaviour is an aggressive act - AIBU?

[oatmilkicedchai]

(Lighthearted)

It gives me anxiety - instant heart rate spike and all - when I write someone a message, or even a few short messages and they come online and read them instantly and start to reply. Because I don't like the idea of getting caught up messaging back and forth 'in real time' iykwim. Or heaven forbid that they try to call me whilst I am messaging them and they can see my status as online.

I know, I know, I am a bit silly and need to be more comfortable just going offline and setting boundaries 😂.

Can anyone relate to this, though?

Yeah this is not normal

Therapy might be a good shout

Can I ask how long you mean (roughly) by a long time? A day? More than a day? A few hours? Depends hugely on the context/person really. Generally if it's a friend and they don't respond same day I might start to fret, unless I sent it in the evening. Then the next morning is OK. If it is a more transactional type message, or someone I'm not that fussed about then it's not an issue.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

When someone texts me I often read the banner on my phone. If obviously important I'll reply straight away.

Otherwise I'll wait until I have the energy for a back and forth as I realise they may want this.

So I guess I do a mixture of both!

For all the reasons on this thread I HATE WhatsApp.

Well the responses show that I am by far the only person that feels this way - so thank you for your polite input but you are wrong @FloofyUni

I feel this

Why use a message app and then complain when other people use it for it's intended purpose which is to chat.

Just ditch Whatapp if it causes you so much stress. I don't think it's normal to not want people to reply to a chat message.

YES! I usually reply with.." I am just going out the door" or "up to my eyes in work here".

You are not silly.

You are right to be caitious, there are wierdos and miss-fits out there amongst the decent and good people.

Most people only have people they know well on Whatsapp.


You do know you can change your setting so people can't see if you are online? You won't be able to see other peoples status's if you do this but it doesn't really matter.

Like this.

Try closing the app fully. I write the message, send it then immediately close down the app. That way I am in control of when I reply without the (in my head) pressure because their reply shows as unseen until I click on it whereas it can just pop up if you click away then click back rather than closing it.

I am fully aware this is ridiculous.

Turn your privacy off, problem solved.

I hate whatsapp. Although strangely I like when I'm having a conversation online with someone. Probably because I only whatsapp people I really, really like.

Whatsapp groups though... I just get added to them without being asked and it is really, really hard to leave a whatsapp group. I've had to do it a couple of times and it is not an action that is easily forgiven! People take it personally even though it's just I hate 17 notifications on my phone every hour!

This is gonna sound harsh. But. I read something ages ago about a character who wrote reams and reams of letters to someone thinking he was obsessed with her, but didn't take in her responses - it was more about him and his thoughts. She told him he treated her like a diary. It might not be what you're doing but it's what came to mind. If you don't want a response, get a diary or a notebook. Write it down, see whether you still want to send it in a while. I know I send messages to people sometimes because my head is buzzing and I need to get something out, and I have to stop myself, get paper and pen, write it down and just make myself stop and take a moment. If you actually want to chat, set time aside. If not, do the offline thing, or ask yourself whether you're messaging because you feel you ought to, maybe, not because you really want to talk to them. I have a great friend who lives across the planet, we message at the start/end of the day (8am for me is 8pm for them) and sometimes we message mid day knowing the other will see it later. Sometimes we don't talk for days, occasionally weeks probably, but if we get chatting and one of us needs to do a thing or go to bed, we just say. We've lived apart for years and they're one of my best friends, because we have mutual respect for boundaries and don't take offense if the other naffs off, as well as getting the same stuff and having good chat. Maybe they suck all the air out of a chat and it's less the rapidity of it, and more that they're not people you really wanna talk to? Dunno. I do get what you mean but I think there's maybe more to it than you've realised.

I know exactly what you mean. I hate getting into a backward and forward on any kind of messaging media. Now, I just read a message and put my phone down then reply when I’m ready. Probably drives people nuts because sometimes it takes days, but I don’t really care.

This is incorrec @courgettigreensadwater t. I don't know how many times I have to say it!

These settings change your last seen on whatsapp, which is a time stamp. At present there is no way to remove the online setting. Everyone / anyone can see when you are online, unfortunately.

This isn't possible @Electriq - there isn't a way to turn off the online status

100% same OP 👍
Or if they're typing and they can see I'm online - I jump off instantly!

@oatmilkicedchai blimey. Calm down. And seriously. It does work.

😂 I am perfectly calm. And no, it doesn't work. But please do keep making a fool of yourself by insisting it does...!

This is the best way, really. I think I just need to stop overthinking it and do as you do!

Agree!

Also - there is a way that you can change the settings so that you cannot be added to a WhatsApp group without your say so. Means the person seeking to add you will need to send you a link instead and then you can just click on it if you would like to join, or not, if you don't wish to join.

I hear you, and definitely some food for thought here. Its not the case that I am venting to them or treating WhatsApp like a sort of journal, as these messages that stress me out tend to be replies - so they (or one particular friend that I have in mine) has messaged first and I find myself just constantly trying to keep up with replying to them and not being able to as its a constant onslaught of communication!

But you are right - I think there probably is more to it and that is something I need to explore and reflect upon.

The friendship you have described with your chum across on the other side of the world sounds like one to be cherished :) Friends like that are actually hard to come by I think