This type of whatsapp behaviour is an aggressive act - AIBU?

[oatmilkicedchai]

(Lighthearted)

It gives me anxiety - instant heart rate spike and all - when I write someone a message, or even a few short messages and they come online and read them instantly and start to reply. Because I don't like the idea of getting caught up messaging back and forth 'in real time' iykwim. Or heaven forbid that they try to call me whilst I am messaging them and they can see my status as online.

I know, I know, I am a bit silly and need to be more comfortable just going offline and setting boundaries 😂.

Can anyone relate to this, though?

I must be slow of brain and hand too then 😂

Know exactly what you mean about the little scattergun texts

This is literally THE WORST. Sometimes I don't answer and just message them there and then to say I can't pick up because I am doing 'xyz' and basically insert which ever lie feels fitting because it would feel too rude and confronting to say 'I just don have the energy or mental bandwidth to speak to you right now, sorry.'

Yes I relate. Sometimes I'll send the message then quickly double click and exit the app.

I agree OP, it's like I panic at the implied expectation of a real-time conversation and the pressure of having to answer quickly. There's no time to THINK in a RL conversation. I do have them but find I have to pause and gather my thoughts a lot, to the point that people now look at me slightly oddly as I try to regroup.

Gaah. People.

I suppose I should point out I am autistic 😂

I get it but I’m not NT and suffer from anxiety. Put everything in one message then put your phone down and busy yourself for 10 minutes 😂 go the the loo or do the dishes

I’m totally with you on this! You need my daily affirmations

ahahhaha

Well, even worse is when they read it and start typing straightaway, but then don't send it. Arghh... what was it they had been about to say and why did they change their mind...? 😱

I get what you are saying. I’ve turned off all notifications and look when I’m ready. I write a message and then immediately get back out of WhatsApp 😂

Oh god yes! Panic stations followed by wtf?!

I’m currently playing ‘dodge the green dot’ on Facebook, as there’s a guy I’m chatting to on there who I want to say hi to, and hope that he picks it up in the morning, but it’s nearly bedtime and I know it will get saucy if we live chat I keep clicking onto messenger and then swiftly checking out again. He’s probably doing the same!

100% genuine! Your OP made me smile in recognition of my flaky WhatsApp ways!

Haha - I am glad that some people can relate. but also, wish it wasn't the case!

So you don't like it when someone replies to your WA message straight away? That feels aggressive to you? Is text any different?

I'm the opposite. I (usually) really like it when someone replies straight away. I get stressed when someone doesn't reply for a long time and worry that they don't want contact from me etc.

I sometimes wait a bit after receiving a message so I don't look like the sort of person who is very aware of my phone and messsages straight away.

I also sometimes can't decide whether it is better to send a single long WA message (or text) or a series of short ones. Long messages look a bit ponderous and hard to read. Short messsages lead to annoying multiple notifications and someone might reply before I've finished

When I see 'So-and-so is typing ...' I start to panic.

Whereas I get excited! Which is a bit pathetic. But then very disappointed if they they don't actually send anything!!!

I think it depends on the person tbh. Sometimes it is exciting yes - but for me mostly its not 😂

Can I ask how long you mean (roughly) by a long time? A day? More than a day? A few hours?

Agree. Can be tricky

You can't dictate to people when they reply to messages you sent them. If I see a message come in and I'm free, I reply to it. Why should I have to wait till later when I may be busy, to reply? If you don't want to talk to me, don't message me. Send an email or something.

I think if my 'friend' said something like this to me I'd just stop replying altogether and ghost them. It would be hurtful and I just wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is avoiding me for no reason.

The calling while typing yes! Freaks me out i’d rather wait till they have stopped calling to text and ask what they want 😂 or turn my phone off while its ringing, pretend it died. I’ve never worried about typing then someone coming online at that very moment. I usually just say can’t get into this properly right now catch up later, hope ok! Whatsapp has a lot to answer for these days 😂

I get this, OP. It's getting sucked into a conversation when you just wanted to send a quick message. Like when you send someone an email and they ring you straightaway "as easier than emailing" 😩

I answer and throw the phone aside or put it in my bag now.

Yes of course you can't dictate when people respond - I understand that. But clearly, from this thread, there are many of us who are made to feel anxious by people who always instantly come online and start responding the second they see a message. It forces the communication into real time, when perhaps you don't have the headspace or emotional bandwidth to be dealing with that.

Its the instantaneous nature of it all that causes immense pressure. Particularly for people with mental health problems or those who are neurodiverse.

I am surprised you would be so willing to just ghost a friend. Doesn't this speak volumes about your own communication style and perhaps suggest that you are avoidant? Would be far healthier to discuss your upset with them in a calm and straightforward open manner.

Also: you said you would not want to be friends with someone who was avoiding you for no reason, but its not for no reason is it, its because they are overwhelmed or the communication is too intense. That is the reason.

Yes. All of this! I almost never answer a phone call if I am called whilst in the middle of texting that same person. I find it so intrusive. There are some exceptions to this of course.

Strange. It's not compulsory to use What's App.

I find that it can feel almost compulsory in this day and age when there are many WhatsApp groups that are for work purposes / child rearing purposes / friendship group or family group reasons etc. Hobby groups etc.