Shit date suggestions. Is it my fault?

Heytheredeliah · 2022-09-15T16:05:54+00:00

On online dating, I kept getting really bad date suggestions like walks around the park and guys coming over to watch a movie. I have read previous threads on Mumsnet about walk dates and other posters also think they aren't a great first date. I don't know why I kept getting such bad date suggestions. My friends who also did online dating never got asked on walk dates or coming over to watch a movie. I am sure it must be something to do with me. Could it be something to do with my profile?

iwantasandwich · 15/09/2022 17:07

Most likely you don't fit a 'proper' first date internal profile for those asking you out

Walk dates are for people you're really not sure on imo

PurpleBlis · 15/09/2022 17:10

What makes you class them as bad? Everyone's preference is going to be different.

For some people a walk is a lot less pressured. No need to get dressed up and work out who's paying for what. I think you get to see a bit more of what they are really like than trying to put their best selves out there.

If you get a suggestion that's not your thing do you say no why don't we do XYZ? A suggestion is literally just that an idea.

What do you think it could be about your profile that makes people want to suggest a walk or movie?

LordEmsworth · 15/09/2022 17:11

I mean... can't you suggest something? And/or take the pressure off by not calling it a "date"?

The "movie at yours" isn't a date at all, it's sex.

A walk in the park - I think that's a good idea for meeting someone for the first time personally and wouldn't let other people dictate to me that it's not, but it's your call. Or a coffee, or a drink - personally I wouldn't want to commit more than an hour or so of my time before I've met them. Once I've met them it's easier to go actually do you fancy grabbing some lunch together, when you know you wouldn't gnaw your own arm off to escape them.

Sidge · 15/09/2022 17:13

Walk dates in and between lockdowns were ok and understandable.

No need for them now!

And I certainly wouldn’t entertain having anyone over to mine! Lazy cheapskate hoping for a shag. Fuck that.

I used to go for daytime dates initially - coffee, which could flow into brunch or lunch if it was going well. Easy to switch off if no attraction or common ground.

I learned not to do dinner dates until at least date 2 or 3; you’re trapped and it can get expensive to go Dutch on a meal with someone you don’t even like.

No one got anywhere near my place until I knew it had legs. And never when my children were there.

Stag82 · 15/09/2022 17:16

A walk date sounds like a great date to me. Also happy to do coffee so you can get out quickly if you’re not keen!

someone inviting themselves over for a ‘movie’ is a big no from me. Both on a safety perspective but also sounds like they just want sex after minimum effort!

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 15/09/2022 17:18

I am happy to go for a walk in the park as long as we go for a coffee before or after. When I suggest going for drinks or for a coffee, they either unmatch me straight away or say no to going to a café/bar.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 15/09/2022 17:25

Why could it be?

OP posts:

britneyisfree · 15/09/2022 17:37

They are cheap/ date a lot and can't keep up with the expenses

MsChatterbox · 15/09/2022 17:38

At least the people saying no/unmatching are showing you who they are from the start! What is your profile like? Are there any full length pictures with tight clothes? Cleavage? Are you clear in your bio you're not just looking for fun? I know what we wear shouldn't affect how we are treated but at the end of the day it does. Not saying you are doing these things but if so that might be why!

NovaDeltas · 15/09/2022 17:42

Dating apps contain loser men. They don't want to pay for coffee, they want sex and then to ghost you.

QuizzlyBears · 15/09/2022 17:43

I just married someone I went on a walk date with initially. It was in lockdown and we did get coffee in the middle of it. What are your expectations for a ‘good’ first date suggestion OP?

Levellingdown · 15/09/2022 17:44

Well they just mean can we go and have sex surely

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 15/09/2022 17:49

MsChatterbox · 15/09/2022 17:38

At least the people saying no/unmatching are showing you who they are from the start! What is your profile like? Are there any full length pictures with tight clothes? Cleavage? Are you clear in your bio you're not just looking for fun? I know what we wear shouldn't affect how we are treated but at the end of the day it does. Not saying you are doing these things but if so that might be why!

I didn't have any full length shots on my profile. No cleavage either. I put I am looking for a relationship The profiles are snoozed for now. Felt ground down.

OP posts:

AMessageToYouRuby · 15/09/2022 17:50

Show your profile to some friends, they can advise on how you're coming across.

These are not date suggestions, they are trying to see if they can secure sex doing the bare minimum. I'd expect many of them are just cutting through or aren't even single because it sounds like they don't want to spend the time and money or be seen 'dating' you.

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 15/09/2022 17:50

NovaDeltas · 15/09/2022 17:42

Dating apps contain loser men. They don't want to pay for coffee, they want sex and then to ghost you.

@NovaDeltas If it is true that dating apps contain loser men, why is that?

OP posts:

AMessageToYouRuby · 15/09/2022 17:52

You need at least one full length shot. To be blunt, they probably won't commit to anything date like until they see one.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/09/2022 18:02

The first meet isn’t really a “date”: it’s a making sure you’re both who you say you are, that you aren’t ten years older or three stone heavier than your photographs, and that you actually click and get on in real life. On that basis I wouldn’t have a problem with a walk and a cup of coffee, much easier to be relaxed and talk than feeling pressure to dress up and spend loads of money. The actual first date is then what matters.

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 15/09/2022 18:05

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/09/2022 18:02

The first meet isn’t really a “date”: it’s a making sure you’re both who you say you are, that you aren’t ten years older or three stone heavier than your photographs, and that you actually click and get on in real life. On that basis I wouldn’t have a problem with a walk and a cup of coffee, much easier to be relaxed and talk than feeling pressure to dress up and spend loads of money. The actual first date is then what matters.

I am not saying the date should cost a lot of money. I would be fine with a £3 coffee but they never want to meet at bars of coffee shops

OP posts:

iwantasandwich · 15/09/2022 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nancydroo · 15/09/2022 18:13

Can you just say no walk dates on your profile. Have you said that you like walking as a hobby?

Sidge · 15/09/2022 18:27

The ones who won’t agree to even a coffee are just after sex. Which is fine if that’s all you want, but those looking for something more serious need to weed out the shaggers and suggesting a coffee or drink is a good way of doing that.

If they unmatch or block at that point then forget and move on, they’re not what you’re looking for. Don’t give it too much headspace - it’s not you.

A lot of people online dating are like kids in a sweet shop. Always want instant gratification and keeping one eye open for the next best thing.

OLD is tough, you need a thick skin, a brutal sifting process and hard boundaries.

Royalbloo · 15/09/2022 18:30

I think going for a walk is a perfectly acceptable first date. Coming to mine? No.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2022 18:35

Dating apps contain loser men because the population in general contains loser men.

I love walking first dates. Definitely my preference for a first date But recognise each to their own. No pressure to dress up. Love walking anyway so it's never a waste. No awkward silences. If they're not for you, I find you can just have a pleasant chat, whereas over coffee if you realise straight away you're not for each other, that's awkward.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2022 18:37

I think it's really strange they unmatch you after you suggest a coffee bar - so I'm thinking these types of men would unmatch whatever you suggest, it's not the coffee bar per se - they're not interested in actually meeting anyone. Could be any reason - just want the thrill of the chase/married/shy/anxious

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 15/09/2022 18:38

Anyone saying walk dates are a good first date. They're really not for safety!

I personally never see first dates as dates. More a meet to see if they're who they say they are and if i like them in person. Suggest meeting at a pub for a drink. Means meetup can last one drink if you don't like them or several if you do. Just have an excuse ready. Also safer as people around.