Shit date suggestions. Is it my fault?

[Heytheredeliah]

On online dating, I kept getting really bad date suggestions like walks around the park and guys coming over to watch a movie. I have read previous threads on Mumsnet about walk dates and other posters also think they aren't a great first date.

I don't know why I kept getting such bad date suggestions. My friends who also did online dating never got asked on walk dates or coming over to watch a movie. I am sure it must be something to do with me. Could it be something to do with my profile?

I just don't think you need to be willing to spend money to date or be in a relationship.

Bloody hell, I do. You don't need to be buying rubies and dinners at Fat Duck, but how you meet people and sustain relationships without ever dropping a few quid is beyond me.

Luckily I'm happily married, so it's all theoretical for me. But yes, walking round the park in the cold and determined never to spend anything at all isn't my idea of a romantic atmosphere. Sounds utterly miserable.

I agree. You can just tell they’d be the kind of boyfriend/girlfriend who would refuse to eat out saying ‘But we’ve got food at home…’

I also don't really know if this is relevant or not but some of the guys suggesting walking around the park or coming over to watch a movie are in very well paid jobs so I don't really know if it is about not wanting to spend money or not having the money to spend on dates. I think it must be something do with me or my profile

It's about not wanting to spend money. There was a similar thread a while ago. Obviously there were a few people who insisted there was nothing more exciting than tramping around their neighbourhoods with a total stranger and only shallow, materialistic spendthrifts would prefer bunging three quid on a latte in a warm cafe or pub. But in real life accounts, it quickly became clear that these guys are terrified of buying a single coffee (almost everyone said they were very happy to get their own) and not getting anything more.

It's not that they can't afford it but they imbue it with some sort of other value that they can't bear to lose.

Oh, and a lot of them coincidentally end up walking you to their place...

Bloody hell, I do. You don't need to be buying rubies and dinners at Fat Duck, but how you meet people and sustain relationships without ever dropping a few quid is beyond me.

Quite easily, really.

When DH and I first met, pretty much all our activities were free or very cheap as neither of us had much money. We met online and our first date was a walk and a picnic with a £3 meal deal each.

We spent hours at the beach walking and looking in rock pools and talking, or we'd drive somewhere and have a picnic or spend a couple of quid on ice-creams or just sit and talk and watch the sunset.

You really don't need to spend any money to get to know someone and have a good time with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

....walking around the park or coming over to watch a movie are in very well paid jobs so I don't really know if it is about not wanting to spend money or not having the money to spend on dates. I think it must be something do with me or my profile

Walk around the park shows they're too stingy to even pay for a coffee (or two, imagine) - they're almost being stingy/zero cost as a principle. Like - "they're not getting the price of a coffee out of me til I see if I want to see them again/shag them/whatever".

Your lack of full photo might be exacerbating that - because they might suspect you're a "figure" catfish (they're always moaning be about how heavier women using angled, contouring and filters to produce great looking face pics but beware a lack of body pics etc. But they're still wankers so ....

Come over to watch a movie sounds very much "net flix and chill" i.e. hookup/sex.

Those ones are looking for a shag and can't even be arsed hiding it.

They also have apparently zero realistic idea of how any risk averse, safety conscious woman would ever give an essentially total stranger off a dating site her address, let him into her home etc without getting to know him at least a bit first, it's bizarre. Maybe some women do it and take the risk, so they think many would. I think Jamila Jameel wrote a column on how a tinder date came to hers first meeting and had some sort of medical emergency/passed out and it was stressful trying to get this essential stranger medical help. So apparently some women do it, and presumably get away with it without being raped and murdered.

I don't think it's your profile (aside from, as I mentioned, that they might be suspecting figure/weight "cat fishing from the lack of a full length photo); I think old is chock full of men looking for hookups with as little effort and cost as human possible. And they're ruthless about it. They just go on to the next. They e got a scattergun approach and probably hit something sooner or later, so that's what they keep doing.

Oh and maybe those are their real.jobs, but I think a lot of people tend to lie/embroider their roles on old.

Im obviously the exception. I’m married so not looking at OLD. If I was, I would much prefer a walk, with somewhere where you could stop for a coffee if it was going well.

I agree with pp that if it goes well after that you can go for a longer (alcohol encouraged?) date.

Not a film at my house- that is clearly a demand for a shag.

You really don't need to spend any money to get to know someone and have a good time with them.

But you did spend money. You didn't spend a lot, but you did spend something.

And that poster said "I just don't think you need to be willing to spend money to date or be in a relationship." Fair play to her if she's able to meet people and sustain relationships while never buying an ice cream or meal deal. But you didn't and nor could I. I don't live within walking/cycling distance of everything fun in my city either. And I need to buy a new bike...

Well my guess would be that they are married, if they don't want to be seen in public?

Wouldn't walking around the neighbourhood make them more likely to be seen?

Walk dates definitely a bad idea safety wise. As in inviting anyone to your home.

I agree that anyone saying this just wants sex.

What sort of person are you swiping right on? I would only swipe right if they’ve got some actual info in their profile, detailing their own interests etc, and come across well.

Don’t swipe right on any blank profiles, anyone saying “just ask”, or anyone giving a list of what they expect from a partner.

I agree to making sure you have some good, but real and up to date, photos, including one full length.

The guys saying they are in good jobs might not be. Ive met up with people only to find what they said was their job is actually their hobby, and they have a much less interesting sounding 9-5 job.

Just keep your standards high and don’t compromise. Better to not get any dates than crap ones with chancers. Coffee date should be bare minimum- not saying they should pay for you but they should be willing to pay for their own coffee!

Suggest going for a coffee /drink

When I was OLD I generally treated a first meet as a pre date filter and generally opted for a coffee or a no pressure drink after work. Sometimes you got on so well during the first meet it kind of turned into a proper date anyway as we both agreed to go for dinner after the initial drink/coffee. There is an element of truth insofar as frequent dating can get expensive and despite all the "lets go Dutch types" on here there is still a massive expectation for the bloke to pay for a dinner date. If I am going to do that I at least want to actually get on with the person first rather then find out at the dinner table that you have absolutely zero chemistry. I had a few women suggest 'walking dates' which were actually pretty good, I am quite an outdoorsy person and seeing some totally relaxed in 'dress down' gear getting muddy on a tow path or similar was quite attractive, we usually ended up having a post walk drink so it was not just literally walking circles around the local park. Walking dates have their place.

Not sure if you are being serious but the above sounds both epically shit as a date and cheeky fucker behaviour from yourself and your friend.

"Would you like to go out for dinner next Friday?"

"No, but can you paint my kitchen and when you are done with that can you nip around the corner in your car and collect some shit I bough off ebay"

"Erm...sorry, my mistake I am washing my hair on Friday"

Aren't they both code for sex - "a walk" is a quick outdoor shag, "a movie" is a quick indoor shag?

Yeah, but you know they'd do it if they thought they were going to get a shag out of it 😎

But you did spend money. You didn't spend a lot, but you did spend something.

Yes, but we only spent money after we did the free walk part as we got along so well. The plan was a free walk in the park, then as we both enjoyed each other's company, we then decided to spend the extra and stay longer.

And that poster said "I just don't think you need to be willing to spend money to date or be in a relationship." Fair play to her if she's able to meet people and sustain relationships while never buying an ice cream or meal deal.

I'm that poster 😉

But you didn't and nor could I. I don't live within walking/cycling distance of everything fun in my city either. And I need to buy a new bike...

I don't live within walking distance of much either hence the free dates. Plus, even if DH had decided not to get a meal deal or ice cream while out it wouldn't have put me off him or stopped me wanting to see him again.

I don't need to spend money to have a good time with someone or to get to know them. We've been married four years now and still most of our dates are free 😂

I always go for a coffee, that way you can make a sharp exit if it isn't going well.

How would you react if some bloke brought his laundry on a date for you to iron?

If someone I was chatting to on a dating site started suggesting for a first meet a list of chores around her house we would not be chatting for very long. If we met under the impression of having a drink or a coffee and she then springs her 'can you collect some furniture for me' request then I would finish my coffee/beer and walk off. Cheeky f*cker behaviour in the extreme.

I always used to have first dates at the gallery of modern art. Free, something to talk about, security staff on hand just in case and you could have coffee/ cake afterwards.

Anything like that near you?

I was being tongue in cheek.

I was still right though

This could def be true about the "movie in your home" chancers.