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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shit date suggestions. Is it my fault?

87 replies

Heytheredeliah · 15/09/2022 17:05

On online dating, I kept getting really bad date suggestions like walks around the park and guys coming over to watch a movie. I have read previous threads on Mumsnet about walk dates and other posters also think they aren't a great first date.

I don't know why I kept getting such bad date suggestions. My friends who also did online dating never got asked on walk dates or coming over to watch a movie. I am sure it must be something to do with me. Could it be something to do with my profile?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 20/09/2022 13:29

We're in peak pumpkin spice latte season! The world of leaf kicking, conker collecting etc. Aka the three months of the year when single men pretend to enjoy the outdoors 😂

Grab a hot drink, cuddle it in both hands Boden catalogue style, and sip and stroll ❤️

CousinKrispy · 20/09/2022 13:40

I think walks (around a populated and attractive place with a park cafe) are perfectly fine, but it's down to what you enjoy. If you think walks are shit, then that's that.

I met a perfectly decent man on OLD and we're still together, but I know it's very discouraging as lots of people match or chat and then disappear. Sometimes it feels like no one is willing to take time to get to know you!

I think it's hard to advise without knowing what's in your profile and what kind of guys you're swiping right on, so you need to talk to some IRL friends about it.

mamabear715 · 20/09/2022 14:44

@ReneBumsWombats Not if it's not their neighbourhood..

gogohmm · 20/09/2022 15:00

I met dp for a walk for our first meeting, we went for lunch following the walk then arranged a more exciting second date (we lived a distance apart. Within 6 weeks we were discussing living together. Honestly, walking dates are great

Whammyyammy · 20/09/2022 15:29

Once had a first date at a car auctions. The guy had planned to go as was a car he was after being sold, but then asked me out and forgot about the auction. Treated me to a cup of tea and bag of chips.... washed down with petrol fumes and cigarette smoke from the auction hall. Auction didn't finish til 9.45pm, so we had a drink on the way back.

27 years later my husband and i are still happily married....and have been to many cat auctions since

Lockheart · 20/09/2022 15:45

The asking to come over for a movie is blatant just looking for sex.

The walks, not so much. I think a lot of married / partnered women who will be MNs main population have never really had to use online dating apps to the extent younger single generations have, and so don't really understand the dynamics.

It's not like meeting someone naturally in a bar, or at work, or out and about where you have seen them in person and then at least exchanged a few words face to face, and then you go on a "proper" dinner date.

With online dating you're total strangers who have never met before. Low-effort first dates like walks are sensible in this case; they replace that initial meeting stage at a bar / work / out and about before a first proper date which was more common before apps.

You're also connecting with vastly, vastly more people than you ever would by just going out / at work etc. Unless you're very wealthy then no-one, man or woman, can afford to take someone out to a restaurant every week. A walk is a good, cheap option which easily allows the opportunity to bail if it's not going well or to go for a coffee if it is.

It's also not fair to say only the dregs are on dating apps. Everyone nowadays who wants to date would be silly not to use them as a tool to meet people. That is where everyone (largely under 40, but not exclusively) goes to date nowadays - the good and the bad! It is no longer just a thing for strange lonely men living in their mothers basement.

For better or worse, dating is an entirely different landscape now to what it was even 10 years ago.

Wouldloveanother · 20/09/2022 16:00

@Whammyyammy didnt know they did auctions for cats

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2022 16:07

I think walks (around a populated and attractive place with a park cafe) are perfectly fine, but it's down to what you enjoy. If you think walks are shit, then that's that.

Yes I think this is a bit different to what I envisaged from the OP.

Suprima · 20/09/2022 16:17

Heytheredeliah · 19/09/2022 20:20

I also don't really know if this is relevant or not but some of the guys suggesting walking around the park or coming over to watch a movie are in very well paid jobs so I don't really know if it is about not wanting to spend money or not having the money to spend on dates. I think it must be something do with me or my profile

Because as you can tell from the responses on here- there’s plenty of women who think going for dinner makes them a nasty, spoilt golddigger and walk dates are low pressure and cuteeeee!

And these women will still shag them.

It’s not about not being able to afford it, for men looking for sex or something casual- it’s a case of…why would you spend money if there are women who’ll shag you after sitting with you on a park bench for 4 hours?

They’re hoping you are one of those.

I had lovely proper dates with men, including a man who I eventually married.

I also had men asking to go for a walk at Westfield shopping centre- when I replied ‘no thanks 😂😂😂😂 I have better things to do’ they would either go nuclear or backtrack and try to take me to a restaurant.

Ultimately- I can go for a coffee by myself or with a girlfriend….I can go for a walk with my dog. I was never desperate enough to go out and meet a man I don’t know in a PARK. Plenty are, and that’s what they are looking for.

When I’m dating I want to have fun and set the stage for some sexual chemistry and romance. You don’t find that in green park with a man too cheap to buy you a flat white.

practical advice:

-let your profile showcase your hobbies/profession/style/humour: make it showcase you. You will be someone’s cup of tea and he’ll want to put skin in the game. A basic profile will just put you as a fish in someone’s wide net rather than a catch.

-make sure you have photos obviously taken by other people or at social events, someone who just has selfies looks like they have no friends and are more likely to be one of the said desperados

-if you are asked for a walk, coffee with someone who you want to give a bit of grace to. A ‘a walk? Like as friends? 😵‍💫’ and acting quizzical that they would ask you to do such a bizarre thing gives them a chance to row back. I never did this though

ReneBumsWombats · 20/09/2022 16:25

With online dating you're total strangers who have never met before. Low-effort first dates like walks are sensible in this case; they replace that initial meeting stage at a bar / work / out and about before a first proper date which was more common before apps.

Why do they need to replace meeting at a bar or cafe or just a set place?

I understand you don't want to invest lots of time and money in a total stranger you'll probably never see again, but why can't your first meeting be in a pub or cafe where you have a drink each and just see if you both want to stay for a second? What's to be replaced?

mountainsunsets · 20/09/2022 16:41

ReneBumsWombats · 20/09/2022 16:25

With online dating you're total strangers who have never met before. Low-effort first dates like walks are sensible in this case; they replace that initial meeting stage at a bar / work / out and about before a first proper date which was more common before apps.

Why do they need to replace meeting at a bar or cafe or just a set place?

I understand you don't want to invest lots of time and money in a total stranger you'll probably never see again, but why can't your first meeting be in a pub or cafe where you have a drink each and just see if you both want to stay for a second? What's to be replaced?

I suppose because if you meet someone on a night out, you're already out with your mates anyway so not spending any extra money just to meet that potential date.

So by the time you go "on a date" you've already met in person, know what each other looks like and have probably had some kind of conversation, whereas if you meet online that first "meeting" is basically to see if you like each other before you agree to go on a date and spend any money.

ReneBumsWombats · 20/09/2022 16:47

mountainsunsets · 20/09/2022 16:41

I suppose because if you meet someone on a night out, you're already out with your mates anyway so not spending any extra money just to meet that potential date.

So by the time you go "on a date" you've already met in person, know what each other looks like and have probably had some kind of conversation, whereas if you meet online that first "meeting" is basically to see if you like each other before you agree to go on a date and spend any money.

But back then, nobody then arranged to go for a bloody walk on the first date so that they didn't need to drop two quid! They arranged to go for a drink.

If you're willing to risk wasting a bit of your time on someone you might not see again, I can't see why you wouldn't risk three quid on something you're definitely going to drink!

Dating involves taking small risks with small amounts of time and money. That's how you know you're open to meeting someone. If you're looking for a partner and you're not prepared to drop even a tiny amount on a drink while you meet people, where are your priorities and how emotionally available are you?

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