To say no to this and leave it to DH to sort?

[Peeeko]

Brief background. Me and DH don't share finances as I've never wanted to, I've always wanted access to my own money and we both earn well so never felt it necessary.

We have a joint account that pays for bills and we have a joint account that we save in but the rest goes in personal accounts and we don't question the other on what is spent on what.

We were trying for a child for a long time, I ended up with quite severe depression due to it, we also lost a baby along on the way and it was a really dark time but we eventually managed to have our own child who is now 1. My husband also has a son from a previous relationship who currently lives with us 50:50.

I always wanted to keep my career going but also wanted to spend some time at home. So I ended up dropping a day at work so that I could spend it with our son and just do things with him, spend time with him, get out and about before he starts being tied to school holidays. I do not rely on DH financially due to this and I am still able to provide my half of the bills so felt it was my decision and he was happy for me to do it too. After everything we went through it just seemed like the right thing for me to do.

My husband's ex has recently started a new job and has to work longer hours. Due to this she has asked if we can increase the time my DSC is at ours by one day/night so with us 4 and her 3. We live close by so logistically this wouldn't be a problem.

However, the day falls on my day off and I am now being asked to facilitate it by being available to take and pick up DSS from school, be around generally if he's off like holidays or sick etc..

I've said no and DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I took the drop in hours to spend time with our son, not to look after my step son so my husband's ex could further her career. I love my day with my son and don't want our time being tied to school hours, having to back from wherever if we choose to go out or having to look after DSS too during the school holidays. I know it's just one day but it's important to me.

DH tends to work from home on the days we usually have DSS during the week so nips out to do the school pick ups and drop offs himself but he is required to be in the office the other days so can't do it on this day. I've suggested before and after school club but DSS was upset at the idea as he doesn't like going and DH thinks I'd be mean to make him go when I'm potentially at home or at least off work anyway.

So who's being unreasonable? In my mind this is a problem for DH and his ex to sort and I'm pretty adamant right now that I'm not getting involved.

I haven’t read all the replies only the first page so forgive me if I’ve missed something, but could you possibly do “some” of the extra days, say have DSS for that day every other week, or one in three weeks? So that you still get time with your DS?
I agree that DSS mum shouldn’t have taken the job without sorting childcare, and it shouldn’t be your issue to sort though so if you are completely against this idea then stand your ground!!

Wtf, I have two stepdaughters and I often do pick ups and drop offs for them/have them when I’m at home? You got with this man knowing he has a child.. it’s one day isn’t it where you’d be helping? I agree with a previous poster.

this won’t end up well, things in your marriage will start to unfold and your step child will probably grow up resenting you.. when being part of a blended family you can’t just “pick and choose” which child you want quality time with. Don’t get me wrong if my stepdaughter’s are at there mums I will naturally take the opportunity to have some quality time with my boys and daughter, but if I have them here I make plans that ALL of them can enjoy?

I can understand why your DH thinks your unreasonable, it’s one day which is a blended family especially with you dropping your work hours etc you should be able to accommodate. Let me guess, if he dropped his hours so his child wasn’t stuck in the middle of this you’d probably have something to say wouldn’t you? As another poster said you should obviously both pull together on this one, SC mum is clearly trying to better the income for her child, she should be able to rely on the dad to have SC extra day if she’s working? It’s called coparenting.

which now you are a stepparent especially being married you are now apart of, like it or lump it🤷‍♀️

fair compromise would be to offer picking SC up from school, after all you would have spent the whole day with your son and it would be far nicer for SC to be picked up by you then to have to go to an after school club especially when he’s stated he really doesn’t feel like doing so..

put the shoe on the opposite foot, how would you feel if roles were reversed, because you can’t honestly sit there and say you’d want your long term partner to be someone who clearly doesn’t want to help out in regards to each other’s children?

im part of a blended family and it honestly wouldn’t even cross my mind to let my SC go into an after school club if I was already at home? Makes no sense at all🙄

ultimately that comes out of your joint family budget. Funds which could go on other things for you all

My husband can pay for whatever childcare he likes but no it wouldn't be coming out of the joint budget as we don't share finances and I wouldn't be contributing to DSS's childcare. If he wants to agree to this with his ex and that means sending DSS to wrap around care then DH will need to cover it out of his disposable income. I took the hit for me working one less day a week out of mine, so he can take the hit for having DSS here more financially if he agrees.

I have no issue with DSS being here more in theory as I say. But it would entirely change the dynamic of mine and my son's 'day'. I like to take him out most weeks and don't want to be rushing back for picking up or getting phone calls about needing to collect sick DSS or having to look after him all day in the school holidays etc ... It's not at all why I reduced my hours. I reduced my hours for the benefit of my son, not my step son.

Why wouldn't the step child resent his own parents for not wanting to spend time with him then? Or is this bollocks reserved for step parents only?

I can’t really imagine not approaching this as a team with my DH though.

How is it teamwork? What's he doing?

No I wouldn’t do this. I’d rather go back to work full time than become the default childcare. You’ve sacrificed your wage to spend time with your child, it might seem the obvious solution for DH but that doesn’t mean it is the right solution.
Ultimately it’s not your problem to solve, perhaps DH can start slightly later that morning and do the drop off and he can utilise after school club for one evening.
I’d be pissed off with even being asked to be honest. Now you look the unreasonable one (to him) when he shouldn’t be putting you in this position to start.

Let me guess, if he dropped his hours so his child wasn’t stuck in the middle of this you’d probably have something to say wouldn’t you?

No, if he wanted to do this and took the hit out of his own disposable income that's entirely his business. I wouldn't say anything at all providing he was still contributing fairly to our household, which I am.

wouldn’t even cross my mind to let my SC go into an after school club if I was already at home? Makes no sense at all🙄

I'm often not at home which is entirely the point.

91% of people think YANBU. Why are you arguing with the minute percentage who think you are?

It's your DH issue to sort your time with your son is precious and the time will fly by.

Just answering that PPs questions.

Why wouldn't the step child resent his own parents for not wanting to spend time with him then? Or is this bollocks reserved for step parents only?

maybe because it’s one extra day and clearly the step parent here is only arsed about making sure her own child comes out better off? As a step parent you have to take into account ALL of the child’s feelings, not just one. I’d understand a week, but it’s an extra night/day? Why shouldn’t DH ask if his wife could pick up the child from school🙄.. I really don’t understand people who get into relationships with others with children if this is how there going to act over “one day” of helping! Why bother?

It sounds like you've not spoken to anyone one the course about their version of what happened.

Only the trainer and the written feedback. Please correct me if I'm wrong on this.

Why would you ask on a forum without getting the other side of this first?

YANBU and even if you did agree to have your DSS an extra night what would happen when you want to increase your hours or change your day off with work. You are the only person being impacted here ( aswell as DSS) nice that your DH and ex are discussing how to use your time

Sorry!

He spends half his week with op. Did you miss that? So whys it not just one extra day for her? Why does it have to be not wanting him around?

No, you really don't. As a parent I don't plan my working life around my child's feelings. I'm sure my child would prefer me to do pick up every day but unfortunately I have to pay the bills, so I don't. But this isn't ops child, so she has even more reason to not change her plans.

I really don't understand people who can't understand that their way is not necessarily the right way for everyone else. I'm sure it's domestic bliss for you running round after other people's children, but we don't all feel the same way, and that's fine.

Who looks after the DSS during school holidays at the moment?

I don't think YABU at all. This is a matter for DH and his ex to sort out.

As an aside, i hope dh is paying 2.5 days childcare and you are paying 1.5 as you have dropped a days work to cover one of the childcare days.

Yanbu to say no to regular days school run. It would be nice if you wanted ti but bot unreasonable that you don't. Up to mum and dad to work it out. Wrap around care seems the solution.

I think the difference for me is that it's not just 'one day' in a week of days when I'm off and can do what I want. It's my only day during the week where I'm by myself with DS and it's our opportunity to have some time together just us. That is why I reduced my hours, that's the whole reason I'm working 4 days and not 5. If I knew I'd be having to look after DSS too on this day, id have carried on working full time. It's not like I'm at home the whole week and am refusing to help one day. I work the rest of the week and at weekends am with DH and DSS.

Mix of DH, ex and her parents also take some time off.

Let the ex sort herself out to facilitate the present arrangement, she can't unilaterally decide to change it and expect the OP and her husband to jump through hoops for her.

I agree with you. They need to arrange wrap around care. My kids always enjoyed it he'll be fine. Do not give up your day with your baby, I was lucky enough to work part time when mine were small and those days were my absolute favourite and I look back so fondly.

If it was a one off and potentially just being asked to pick him up from school if he was ill then that is one thing, but you have given up a day of work to spend precious time with your son so they need to sort that out themselves.

The ex started this, she's the one with a bloody cheek.

There are 218 comments, many of which contain questions. You’re clearly not answering all of them (nor would anyone expect you to). You’re justifying yourself to a minority of naysayers.

You can obviously do this if you want to. But I can’t see why you’d bother, tbh.

@AbbieWhelan Your post is superb!

I'll never understand people who create blended families then act surprised when the inevitable happens. Your step son will grow to resent you. It's not 'her' problem to sort. You knew he had a son and that child is a part of your life. I think I got lucky with my step-father because this would have created such a wedge in our family that would have been insurmountable in later years.